Only in Florida: Dream. Dream Big.

Medical License? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Medical License!

In my column Only in Florida, I'll be taking you down to the Sunshine State for the latest and greatest sex stories that can only be found in the craziest state in the union.

We all have dreams and we will do whatever it takes to make those dreams become a reality. If you want to play a sport, you practice everyday and workout to be peak physical health. You want to write the great novels, you go to school and write all the time. And if you want to become a doctor, you spend years in medical school and interning until that day you can finally put on that white coat. Or in the case of Florida woman Nery Carvajal Gonzalez, you just start doing penis enhancements.

Not a doctor or nurse or someone with any kind of medical training, Gonzalez was giving an unidentified man facials and then somehow the conversation went from clear skin to enlarging the penis. One really does wonder how that conversation started and who was the first to bring it up. Gonzalez injected something into the man's buttocks and then she used "chin fill" to beef up his member. Not surprisingly, neither worked.

One month later, Gonzalez performed the penis enhancement on the man. He suffered extreme pain and “the inability to have an erection.”

Out of “fear and embarrassment,” the man continued to get treatment from Gonzalez for the next year in an “attempt to repair the damaged penis.”

In an attempt to set things straight (pun intended) Gonzalez looked for help from plastic surgeon Mark Schreiber, who was also arrested for doing medical procedures out of his home, in order to preform surgery on the man's penis. Shock of shocks, the procedure failed. 

“The victim’s penis looked mutilated and was missing skin and was raw and swollen,” according to court documents. “The penis also had retracted in size and was very small.”

According to prosecutors, Schreiber’s remedy was to tell the man to tie two popsicle sticks his penis to keep it straight while it healed.

Facing up to 35 years in prison, Gonzalez worked out a deal and will spend 40 months in jail. And sadly, illegal cosmetic surgery isn't all that rare in the great starte of Florida. Botched injections and terrible surgeries are just the tip (pun intended) of the iceberg.

Most infamously, a Miami Gardens transgender woman named Oneal Ron Morris garnered worldwide headlines for injecting cash-strapped women with a concoction of Fix-a-Flat tire sealant, cement, silicone, mineral oil, and super glue.

Never get a tattoo from someone in a van, never eat at a restaurant that used to be a funeral home, and never ever ever get penis enhancement surgery in a warehouse. Hopefully none of us will have to learn a lesson like this the hard way (pun intended).