The Gramorous Life

After careful consideration—and several calls to his parole officer—we decided to free Fleshbot correspondent Gram Ponante from his poetic shackles and let him loose on the Porn Valley party scene for a weekly(-ish) report on all the glamorous adult industry events we weren't invited to ourselves. (Actually, this week he wound up sucking down some Kinky Sex in Hollywood ... which isn't in Porn Valley, but you get the idea.)

Experience the sights, the sounds, the smells and the silicone of The Gramorous Life after the jump.

* * * * *

The Gramorous Life
by Gram Ponante

Avast and awhore, plucky American strumpeteers! This is Gram Ponante with the first edition of The Gramorous Life, your Sheila E-ticket to the fabulous events in which the beautiful people of America's Porn Belt frolic and preen in the self-policing, medically-cleared, and financially ethical wonderland of the San Fernando Valley!

Hollywood! Already we're breaking with tradition, my friends, because once one travels south over the 405 from Van Nuys to the exotic fleshpots and voluptuarios of the former Hollywoodland, anything can happen—maybe even something kinky!

Simon Wolf Productions, purveyor of hard-edged couples' porn to America's hotel rooms, threw a to-do at Tommy Lee's Rokbar for the release of its new film, "Kinky Sex" ... and I can assure you I was there in the teeming, turgid thick of it!

The fellatio was flying faster than hexes at Hogsmeade when I walked in, unfrisked and unmolested due to my all-access pass. None of the attendees had met anyone with prescription glasses before, and they were impressed and aroused!

Like delightfully shaved and watermelon-scented bricks in a sexy game of Tetris, porn starlets will, unassisted, naturally fall into poses like this one, even if there are no cameras around. Luckily there were! "Would you like some Kinky Sex, Gram?" they shouted. "Is that where I concentrate on someone other than myself?" I archly replied. Everyone laughed and laughed. Later I found out that Kinky Sex was a drink!

Here's former bodybuilder Bad Ass Frank with Bad Ass Models' contract girl Tricia Oaks. Sources say her unavoidable clavicular butterfly tattoo lights up whenever animals are being endangered! Look for the lovely Miss Oaks in Bad Ass Girls' Club, coming soon!

And who's this? None other than The Tommy Gunns enjoying a cuddle in one of Rokbar's little boothlets! That's Rita Faltoyano on the right ... and I can assure you that through no "falt"-oyano of my own did I express my hopeless crush on her. (I know, she's married!)

Veteran director "The Real" Roy Karch whispered secrets and pleasantries to the Amazonian Corey. "Who is she, Roy?" I asked, fascinated and suspicious about possible silhouetted third-reel reveals. "I have no idea," he replied. "She's not in our industry. People do this to me all the time!"

Upstairs in a tasteful mirrored hideaway gamboled Nikki Hil(l)ton and Tyla Wynn, and later Trina Michaels showed up! It's hard to concentrate on Trina's beautiful blue eyes when there are so many other distractions ... like my drink order! (And it's difficult to focus with an erection ... but this time I used my automatic viewfinder!)

One of the best things about meeting porn stars in person and subsequently having deep, meaningful relationships with them, as I always do, is that they are physically very small. The stunning Lori Alexia actually fits into my pocket—all the time! I asked the former Miss Nude World to tell me something scintillating. Said Miss North Carolina 2003 (yes, they're the same person), "Can you call me later? I need to drink!"

As I walked back to my car on Hollywood Boulevard, over the plaques of Yma Sumac, Jim Nabors, and Battlestar Galactica's Lew Ayres, I thought, "Wow, I really did see all the stars tonight" ... and isn't that what Hollywood is all about?

* * * * *