The Weekly Mindfuck: Giving Yourself an Orgasm During Sex

It's a long-lamented fact that women have a harder time orgasming than men - at least from sex - and until recently, it hasn't seemed like there were any positives. There's that whole "multiple orgasms" thing, but when it's hard enough to score your first O, the promised land seems like it's just a mirage. 

What's the use of having a sex drive that's contingent on so, so many factors, many hormonal and out of your control? What's the point of a clit that has twice the nerve endings of a penis but needs just the right pressure in just the right places for an extended amount of time before you can come? Why do men and women need such vastly different things in bed to get off?

Most of the women I know (save for the rare, always orgasmic ones) have just accepted it as the status quo. It's hard to come, won't always happen, won't happen without tons of foreplay, and requires a lot of direction. It is what it is. 

Unless... unless, of course, it's not. What if there are pros to having to work so hard for good sex? And what if becoming orgasmic from penetration teaching your body to feel more - to feel faster, to be more turned on - is possible? It's something I've been exploring, and the more I explore, the more I find within both myself and the female body. 

Consider this: All orgasms stem from the brain, and the brain is a very malleable place. We condition ourselves in countless ways as we grow up and come into our sexuality, but it takes no more than practice and patience to wire ourselves differently. 

Sex is a lot like yoga: It's the union of mind and body, and if you believe in it, spirit, too. Yogis practice, usually daily, to get good at this. They learn how to tune into their bodies and focus on physical sensation, casting off interrupting thoughts and worries with increasing ease. The more they do this, the more they strengthen and tone their nerve networks, allowing them to feel even more. They lower their stress hormones regularly and purposefully, try out new poses and positions like a child at play, and they spend a whole lot of time looking at inwardly at who they are and what they enjoy. 

So stay with me here - what if we treated our sex lives, our integral sexualities, like a practice? What if we incorporated mindfulness (known for boosting sexual desire, sexual arousal, and lubrication) daily and made sure to temper our stress? What if we set aside time for ourselves every day to really experience it, through sex or masturbation or both? What if we practiced focusing on sensation during sex, learning to detach from an expected outcome (like an orgasm itself, which can be a bit of a catch 22)? 

We could also think about the ways we train our bodies when we have sex with ourselves. Layla Martin is an advocate of masturbating a little more with penetration and a little less with clit-only play if you want to respond to penetrative sex, and I've found a lot of clarity when I masturbate toy-free, just so I can get a better idea of how, exactly, I need to be touched.  

And perhaps most importantly, there's learning to cultivate your self-knowledge. Do you really know what turns you on? What gets you wet, and when do you feel a little, well, dry? Does anxiety keep you from orgasming? Do you feel guilty asking for what you want in bed, like some subconscious part of your brain thinks that you're burdening your partner? When do you feel turned off, and how do you feel about your body? 

Yes, it's all a lot of work - any practice is. But I wholeheartedly believe that it leads to far better sex than the kind that just having an easy orgasm and never really digging deep can yield.