Only in Florida: No Sex-A-Near the Mar-A-Lago

April 21, 2017
JACK-BLACKBUSH

Everyone Loves Sex On The Beach... Except the Coast Guard

In my column Only in Florida, I'll be taking you down to the Sunshine State for the latest and greatest sex stories that can only be found in the craziest state in the union.

Much has been made the President's visits to the Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. And when the POTUS comes to town so does a little extra security. That mean delays on the road, more police presences, and since the private club is in Florida, a little more activity from the Coast Guard. So, if you want to avoid the headache and have sex on the beach, it might be wise to do it away from all of this madness.

It would seem that two newer residents to Florida decided to have a little private time on the beach of Bingham Island, which happens to be close to the "Winter White House" where 45 people happened to be for this Easter weekend. While on patrol the Coast Guard spotted Mr. Daniel Dolan and Miss. Chloe Exiner in kind of compromising position.

The arresting officer wrote in the report that Dolan was sitting on the north side of the beach behind a tree while Exiner was sitting on his lap, "bouncing up and down in a lewd and sexual manner."

"Bouncing up and down in a lewd and sexual manner" is a great phrase. Though I am curious to know what bouncing up and down in a non-lewd manner would look like. Even though they both believed they were well hidden behind a tree and Mr. Dolan made a feverish attempt to pull his pants up, the Coast Guard moved in and arrested both of them for indecent exposure.

"Exiner and Dolan were both surprised by my presence and were visibly nervous," the officer wrote. Police said the couple admitted to having sex on the beach, telling the officer that they aren't allowed to have sex at their treatment facilities.

Ahhh yes, the old "let's go have sex on the beach near where the President of the United States is because we can't have sex in our treatment facility" excuse. No sure if I buy that one. But hey, when you got to get it on, there is nothing that can stop you... well, except the Coast Guard. So, next time make sure POTUS isn't in town. You know, do it on a weekday.