Porn Review Haikus: Niche Edition

Since we're mixing things up on Fleshbot this week by featuring a guest editor, we thought we'd let our resident porno poet Gram Ponante flex his creative muscles and write about niche porn sites instead of his usual selection of DVDs from the flood that crosses his inbox on a daily basis. (Actually, we didn't have a choice: this is what he sent us this week in lieu of his usual offerings. You know those creative types—so whimsical!)

Everything you wanted to know about Japanese pedal pumpers, smoking Latina teens, and the white-hot mummification fetish scene—in seventeen syllables—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus: Niche Edition
by Gram Ponante

A reader writes, "Dear Gram, with all the porn you view, produce, and inspire daily, it must require a jackhammer to the prostate to get you off."

Well, you
re half right, U.N Security Council, it does take something very special to pique my interest. But I need to remind you that the biggest erogenous zone is not the prostate, but the Internet (until it is shut down). That is why this week's Porn Review Haikus take place on the WWW (where W stands for "wide-on") and niche sites catering to more rarefied tastes.

. . .

Asian Pedal Pumpers
(www.asianpedalpumpers.com)

Hit the gas, Yoko—
Let the clutch out! My Nikon
Smells like espadrilles.

For centuries, the feet of Asian women were cruelly bound to maintain a standard of femininity that often resulted in disfigurement. Now the pedal pumping phenomenon gives these feet a voice, and that voice says, "I will drive this Internet pornographer's Corolla back and forth down his mother's driveway very slowly, anjin-san."

Whether the models are in stockings, sandals, or go shoeless, Asian pedal ppumpers, as you can imagine, are but a niche of a niche. We have also found sites for black pedal pumpers, teen pedal pumpers, and MILF pedal pumpers.

. . .

Latina Teen Smoking

My mother told me
"Gram, no one likes a smoker."
She was so stupid.

Another niche within several niches, this one, if you were applying for a scholarship, would allow you to check Latinas, teens, and smoking.

I wouldn't be surprised if the big scandal of our age turned out to be that Brown & Williamson created the Sexy Smoking niche and populated dozens of sites with shots of women blowing smoke rings, exhaling through their noses, manipulating holders, and performing the art of the "multiple drag" as displayed in the above site, because the one thing going through my head as I vomited up my first cigar at age 12 was, "This isn't sexy."

. . .

Mummees!
(Mummification-Sex.com)

Tutankhamen's tomb
Was found by Howard Carter.
That's so fucking hot!

The mummee movement seems still to be evolving, not knowing if it should go the shinygirl route (latex) or declare itself a plushies/furries derivative. There also seems to be something vaguely Satanist going on in some of the photos.

So my advice to mummeephiles would be: define yourselves and target your audience! Choose Saran Wrap or some other universal clingfilm! Latex? Electrical tape? Gas mask/no gas mask? Are you, in fact, in league with the devil?

Nothing kills the mood more than uncertainty—so you'd better tell me now if I need to whip up some papier-mache for my plaster encasement or just go with bandages.

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive