The Weekly Mindfuck: The Paradox of Choice

In a lot of ways, it's a great time to be alive. People are getting married later, having kids later, embracing singlehood, casual sex, and multiple partners. It's also a far more sexually liberating era than we've had so far - more kink inclusion, LGBTQ rights, open dialogue, and platforms with which to find sexual or romantic partners (and even communities).

And that's a good thing, of course. Being able to choose an authentic lifestyle is one of the most important parts of happiness and self-actualization. Like psychologist Barry Schwartz says in his TED Talk, having choices is a good thing. Having too many, though, can do much more harm than good. Let me explain: 

Think about your partner, if you have one. Do you ever wonder if you made the right choice by being with them, instead of holding out and perusing more of your options - even though they are amazing and supportive and enrich your life? That seems like the norm, right? How can you ever really know you've selected the best possible choice or spent time perusing the upper echelon? Where are the boundaries? 

The same thing goes for sex. Let's say you have a good sex life - sex is frequent enough for your liking, and you feel significant pleasure when you're having it. Do you ever feel that despite your general satisfaction, you could be more satisfied if you tried more positions, new kinks, new partners, or new toys? That seems pretty normal, too; in fact, sex therapists will generally encourage exploration to help with lifelong sexual satisfaction.

But what about when worrying about all these different options - and if we've really selected the best partners, the best experiences - detracts from how much we enjoy the ones we really have? And would that kind of "the grass is maybe greener" thinking ever end if there's no blinking red "This is the best option!!!!" sign? 

Barry's argument that yes, having too many choices to select from can make you less satisfied no matter which one you've chosen resonates with me on a deep level, though I never knew quite how to explain it. It's a strange phenomenon - not only does the pervasive, unending pool of options make us confused and slow-moving, but it also makes us perceive our current choices as far less awesome than we would otherwise. He has a simple equation to illustrate it: 

Choice - opportunity cost = net satisfaction

If we're talking partners (in a sexual or nonsexual context), that might look more like: 

Joys of partner - potential joys of other partners = net satisfaction with partner

One person's good qualities might not literally detract from your partner's, but it will certainly feel that way. According to Barry, it's because the way we see value in based in comparison - and in a digital, connected world, those comparisons are endless. 

In some sense, decision-making is exhausting. It requires energy and willpower, and faced with too daunting a decision-making task, we will prolong it. (Raise your hand if you've stood in the cereal aisle, examining all 50 boxes for more than 10 minutes.) In some sense, we can't help but imagine a different choice would have been better. It also means that instead of accepting good, quality partners or sex lives we demand perfect ones. 

But perhaps most notably, it takes our presence and appreciation away from what we have. Here's a cartoon from Barry's TED Talk: 

Barry says that the secret to happiness is having low expectations. And perhaps we should strive to never settle - to always choose partners we deserve, to always expand our minds and try new things, to always grow - but perhaps we could learn a lesson from this. Seeking a great sex life and a great partner is an important part of fulfillment and living life to the fullest. But agonizing over finding the best one? 

That's just a waste of time.