Porn Review Haikus

Did you know that over 98.4% of porn DVD purchases and rentals are based on a split-second observation of the box cover and title? (Of course you didn't, because we just made that figure up.) Still, every little bit of information helps when you're making the all-important decision whether "Cream-Filled Ass Pies" or "Butt Cream Pies" are going to be on the menu for the evening. But since we know you don't always have time to read detailed, in-depth reviews of films you'll end up fast forwarding through most of anyway (which is another way of saying that we're too lazy to write them ourselves), we're happy to welcome porn visionary Gram Ponante on board for a weekly smut review roundup ... in convenient haiku form, with additional commentary where appropriate. After all, do you really need to read more than seventeen syllables about a title like "Up Your Ass 23" or "10 Man Cum Slam 9"? Exactly.

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Porn Review Haikus
by Gram Ponante

I am one of the haijin: English-speaking haiku poets. In my dual role as America
s Only Porn Journalist I often employ the descriptive brevity of haiku in reviewing adult films. As both the haiku form and an intense interest in poo originated in Japan, it is best to start this Porn Valley boxcover commentary with a nugget from the mysterious East:

Yuki and Mika
Are really Japanese but
Jayna Oso
s Not.

VCA director Jon Dough uses Photoshop
s stroke function on the cover to relegate 60 percent of the cast to second-class status. This is because only Mika Tan and newcomer Yuki are from the Empire of the Sun. Jayna Oso is Malaysian/Irish, Shai Lee is Korean/Hawaiian, and Ayena Lee played Apache Chief on Superfriends.

As red is the color of good luck in Japan, we can only assume the handheld camera required for this P.O.V. film did not fall into the manko.

. . .

I fast-forward through
Cum squirting from your asshole
Does that make me gay?

Keri Sable, who became a contract girl for Wicked soon after doing this movie, tells us by her body language that no one will get within creaming distance of her ass. Her deadly heels make access all but impossible unless the pie agent is shaped the way a chess knight moves.

But if anyone can solve a cream-filled ass pie problem, it is Jon Dough. Dough has directed the Ass Cream Pie series for Anabolic, the Butt Cream Pie line for Devil
s Films, and Cream Pie Initiations for his own company. So Cream-Filled Ass Pies should be a piece of cake. And with that Munsters font that's used on the cover, we
re sure you
re Gwynne to like it!
. . .

See? When I released
'Black Wife White Cock', everyone
Called me a racist.

Smash Pictures continues to keep its finger on the pulse of race relations in America. The company
s recent Six in Me featured the tender story of a black soccer team sharing with Malysian/Irish Jayna Oso what it means to be gangbanged by a black soccer team—if you
re Jayna Oso.

And White Wife Black Cock #5 looks like it
s going to answer the questions left unaddressed in WWBC numbers one through four, particularly
Why do we let our women dress this way? Of course my wife Missy Monroe is going to end up sleeping with my law partner Tyrell—what was I thinking, leaving the house with her dressed like that with those men from the Nation of Islam just three doors down 'selling incense'?"

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