BigMuscle(Bears): A Consumer Guide

For the fourth and final installment of his Stalker's Consumer Guide to the best and beefiest on BigMuscle, we gave guest columnist Joe Clark free rein to explore his particular area of expertise: "It’s not enough to be queer, limiting you to a steady 3% of the population and an unreliable subset of Italianate construction laborers with wedding bands hidden in their coverall pockets. Of course you must also desperately hanker for the rarest phenotype save for albinism, the redhead."

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Consumer Guide to BigMuscle(Bears): Episode 4
(Superspecial Ginger Edition!)
by Joe Clark

It’s not enough to be queer, limiting you to a steady 3% of the population and an unreliable subset of Italianate construction laborers with wedding bands hidden in their coverall pockets. Of course you must also desperately hanker for the rarest phenotype save for albinism, the redhead. (It could be worse: You could fancy the black redhead, giving you a de facto fetish for Malcolm X [Denzel Washington, shurely?!].)

Anyway, as the author of the conversation-piece Web page documenting the Redhead Cluster Phenomenon, it goes without saying that I maintain an inventory of BigMuscleGingers. (By the way, the Phenomenon isn’t mystical; it can be explained by a Poisson or a quadratic distribution, but none of the mathematicians or physicists I’ve polled has been able to explain it understandably. Fleshbot readers with Ph.D.s in applicable fields are hereby recruited for that job.)

I present, then, a firecrotch hit parade. If homosexualism-plus-redheadedness weren’t already a cruel Venn diagram of overlapping circles, consider that, for mutual satisfaction, any redhead I deal with pretty much has to be an hair fetishist. Needless to say, not a lot of those saunter up to me at the Steamworks. This is my tragedy.

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Redinbear44

He’s not joking when he says he’s “not a very good photographer,” and like many bears and chasers, his weight visibly varies. Still, you’ve got a compact, stocky Englishman who’s nearly covered in orange fur. To paraphrase Joe Orton in Prick Up Your Ears, what are you waiting for – a singing telegram?

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SexyRedhead

Jeez, man, get out of the sun! (You are evolutionarily unpredisposed. Do you want to end up like a tangerine Karl Lagerfeld or something?) This ivory-tinkling bartender (alternate ad) gives the aficionado lots to look at, with his vulnerable pinkish skin and insanely low bodyfat for a guy in his mid-40s. I don’t know what the hell else one would really need, except maybe a foreskin and an attentive dermatologist just in case.

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RedVikingNYC

A challenging and even disturbing specimen. Since there are few scenarios more drool-inducing than a strapping ginger giant forcefully reciting the sagas by heart in ancient (also modern) Icelandic, any use of the word “Viking” commands instant attention. Sadly, the term is used merely aspirationally here. You need to consult his other profile to find proof that the curves in his hereditary Photoshop have indeed been boosted. I don’t know if I could keep up with him. Probably not, actually.

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BigFoge

A fit, broad-shouldered, handsome man with red hair and freckles. A dime a dozen, you say, if only in some parts of Ireland and Scotland? Well, in three mere lines of ad copy he seems to suggest he’s trouble: “Living and working in Nashville... [w]orking on getting back home to San Francisco.... Any help is greatly appreciated!” What’s really going on here?

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Goldenlocks & HairyRedhd

Gingers are already statistical anomalies, but even the outliers have outliers. We prefer not to talk about the subgenre known as the funny-looking redhead. (If you need a mental image, think of the ice-bowl-brandishing dance instructor in Showgirls.) We prefer to envision a more pleasant kind of exceptional case. Redheads can be so glabrous and alabastery they look vampiric – e.g., Goldenlocks. Also, hairs in the genital region can be so fiery orange that they’re actually shocking – and HairyRedhd seems to know it.

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Farmboy23

How do you ask for a refill of your water glass at a restaurant in L.A.? Hold up your finger and call “Actor/model/waiter! Actor/model/waiter!” Or, in Joshua Paul’s case, “Actor/performer/model/trainer!” Personally, I like the tough/rugged/Irish look. I really do like it. So sue me, and let me peel off that sweaty rugby shirt for you.

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Pick hit:

SFHairyMuscle & RustyWheeler

It writes itself, really: BigMuscle(Bears)’s double-ginger power couple. Why are they not doing their own porn? (Well, with their plethora of personal ads, I guess they are.) We’d be worried for, or excited over, their alien ginger offspring, were it biologically possible. (Red-headed stepchildren, perhaps?) These men knew of me by reputation from the Redhead Cluster Phenomenon. I met them on the patio of the Black Eagle; they were curiously guarded, but I can confirm, from an arm’s-length distance, the duo’s overweening interest in “[r]ipe sweaty pits.”

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Thus brings to a conclusion a gruelling month of trawling through profiles on the gay Web sites with the worst HTML in the world – all to unearth diamonds (and, this week, topazes) for you, dear reader. If I may quote “the Canadian minister of movies” in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, “Thanks for having me, buddy.” (To end, a factoid: We do not have an ad on BigMuscle[Bears], being none of those morphemes save perhaps for the plural.)

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Previously: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

See also: Gay Porn Redheads, Red Headed Men