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Sandy Kane: The World's Worst Singing Stripper

People like to do crazy things to get attention—like competitive eating or growing a handlebar mustache or, ahem ... blogging. Or they can take their clothes off while singing their own made up novelty songs about hookers and blowjobs. Sandy Kane is sort of like a cross between Belle Starr, "Weird Al" Yankovic and that "Chocolate Rain" guy on YouTube. She's old (not that there's anything wrong with that), she has an awful voice, and she's possibly a racist ... but try watching this video of her version of "Gloria" without finding yourself mesmerized. We can't really judge her stripping abilities based on this, but the singing is definitely not going to help with the tips. More »

12:47 PM on Fri Jul 18 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
2,171 views, 1 comment

Latest by n/a: She's so awful. Every time O&A have her on their show, I die a little inside. She claims to have been raped by Phil Spector and has started doing the whole "naked cowboy" thing with a guitar on the street. more »

Best Of Craigslist "Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it?" Then is the insanely elaborate Craiglist sex fantasy post for you! (craigslist.org, via nerve.com)

4 comments

Recognizing that legal prostitution makes sex workers safer from violence, rape and STDs, South Africa has decided to lift the ban on the sex industry in their country ... but only for one month, during the 2010 World Cup. Don't worry, after all the hooligans tourists are gone they'll go right back to making it dangerous and illegal. (bbc.co.uk, via Deadspin)

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(Fake) Sex Advice Question Of The Day "I admired their soft slippery skin. It was just so exotic; I had never felt that way before. Looking at those soft underbellies and long slender fins was like seeing the face of God. I came out of my dolphin-induced trance and wiped the sweat from my brow. It was then that I realized that I had an aching erection." Couldn't invent a normal sounding fake problem like, "My penis is too big"? You just had to push it and go with the dolphin erection story, didn't you? (salon.com)

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It's Like Millions Of Tiny Lavender Sachets, On Your Nuts Remember how Amazon used to sell CDs and books and not much else? Now they sell everything under the sun, like clothes and baby strollers and luggage and powder for your balls: "Balla Powder for Men is the ideal anti-chafing and anti-wetness solution for clammy sacks ... A fabulous post-workout treatment, Balla Powder for Men can also be used between your cheeks, as well as on fetid feet and aromatic armpits." Which all sounds (and smells!) pretty sweet, but what the hell is "bat wing" syndrome? (amazon.com, via BoingBoing)

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Liberté, Egalité, And Confused Looking European People Having Sex In Fancy Costumes: Happy Bastille Day! We tried to find you some hot French Revolution porn to help celebrate Bastille Day today; we came up with this assortment of very odd 18th century "mature" cosplay smut instead. Hey, at least we tried. If you close your eyes, you can pretend they're at least speaking French if you want to—in fact, closing your eyes might be the best way to deal with this stuff anyway. (TGP/preview galleries @ retromature.com, via Ask Jolene)

1 comment

Forget the pump: Penis Enlargement Pants will stretch your wang so far, you'll need new pants! They're only available on eBay, but that quality German engineering means you can feel good wrapping them around your privates. Well, sort of good. (ebay.com, via random-good-stuff.com)

1 comment

amateur

The Ballad Of Crystal And Jack, Or "The Longest Amateur Sex Tape Ever"

Ah, youth! The only problem with it, as they say, is that it's wasted on young horny people with nothing better to do than hang out around the house all day drinking, smoking and having sex. Take Crystal and Jack, or "Baby" and "Baby" as they usually refer to each other. They're just two crazy kids in love, and you will get to know more about them than you could have ever possibly hoped to in this 11-part video epic. Watch them cook dinner! Watch them drive around in their car! Listen to them talk! (Oh boy, do they talk.) And occasionally—in between long soliloquies about "the Houdini" and "skull dragging," whatever those things mean—they also have sex. It may not sound like it's worth sitting through a couple hours of footage for just a few amateur sex scenes, but these two chatterboxes are oddly compelling. Hypnotic, even. (Or maybe we're just entranced by Crystal's frequently exposed breasts, which you don't even have to turn up the volume for to appreciate.) More »

1:20 PM on Fri Jul 11 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
43,919 views, 5 comments

Latest by DontFearTheReaper: Wow, What a concept!! Real normal people fucking and actually enjoying it and just living life. more »

This Week In Digitally Altered Amateur Smut When one of our lovely readers was kind enough to send us a link to some fairly hot but pretty standard amateur porn stills yesterday, we couldn't quite figure out what was so special about them to merit an email. And then we noticed the disturbing bit of Photoshoppery going on in that first pic, and we had to smile. (Then we called our dermatologist, because after that last round of Botox we shouldn't be able to smile.) Depending how you feel about petite redheads, naked fat guys, and various combinations thereof, you might find it amusing too. (pix.jj.am - thanks R.)

4 comments

Meet Mr. Testis, the mascot of the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, Spain. (You know, the one where all the people get trampled by wild animals in the streets.) Thanks to some excess baggage he's carrying, however, at least this is one bull you'll be able to outrun. (Click for video.)

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If the positions on that new Vivid-Ed disc are too complicated for you—especially if it's because you lack certain vital equipment ... like a partner—maybe you should start with these beginner positions for singles. Practice makes perfect! (photonet.org.uk, via sex-and-blogs.com)

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Things That Suck: Or, How Not To Spend Time In The Toolshed We already know that boredom is a leading factor in people making homemade jerkoff videos. We also know that many of you happen to be bored. (Welcome to the club!) However, under no circumstances should that give anyone license to take out your sexual frustrations—or your penis—on an innocent shop vac. Sure, they can be hot and wet under the right circumstances, and yes, they're made for sucking down wood and screws. But we don't advise anyone to take life so literally. That said, check out one enterprising (and presumably bored) do-it-yourselfer's home improvement project after the jump.

9 comments

video

Pussy Calligraphy Proves The Benefits Of Regular Kegel Exercises

Have you been doing your Kegel exercises regularly? We've noted before that it's sometimes difficult to fit them into your busy schedule, so maybe all you need is a little inspiration. Like this gal, for instance, whose PC muscles are so strong she can actually write calligraphy with them. Keep at your exercises, and one day this could be you! (Trust us: having this skill definitely comes in handy on those days when you need to write some checks while calling your mom and reading your email at the same time. Who needs a third hand when you have a vagina?) More »

12:45 PM on Wed Jul 9 2008
By Lux Nightmare
5,768 views, 1 comment

Latest by MalzyWheels: Wahhhh. The video has been removed. more »

While we appreciate the great strides that condom advertising has made over the past several years, we have to say that the image of a pig splooging suntan lotion all over a woman's bikini-clad back isn't exactly making us rush out to stock up on Trojans anytime soon. It is, however, reminding us that we haven't been to nearly enough beach bukkake parties this summer as we usually go to, so maybe it's not a total wash. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

1 comment

America Loves Busty Heart! Much of America outside of a certain subset of Boston Celtics fans might have gotten their first eyeful of Busty Heart via recent episodes of "America's Got Talent", but the fact is that the plucky and prodigiously endowed performer has been flopping her ginormous boobs around things like tin cans and beer kegs for years now. All of which amusing enough to watch, of course, even if her knack for self-promotion is really the talent we should all be paying attention to. (bustyheart.com et al.)

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fleshbot poetry corner

The Ignominious Return Of Porn Review Haikus: International MILF Edition

"Slutty fuck toys give in to their dripping wet desires and take a deep dicking that is nothing short of spectacular. Cock crazed cuties get a pussy pounding that leaves their steamy slits red and raw," reads the Grammy-winning liner notes of "Mommy, Granny & Me"—which tells us nothing about the three generations of compounded shame within. Hence this haiku:

For nine Thanksgivings
Granny just basted herself
It's why Grandpa died.

More versification after the jump.

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1:20 AM on Wed Jul 2 2008
By Gram Ponante
5,554 views, 3 comments

video

XTube Roundup: Performance Art Or Crazy People Masturbating? You Decide!

Has this ever happened to you? You're slung up on the interweb getting your jack on when you stumble across a nice hot vid of some other guy doing the same thing. Everything is hunky-dory, and since you've got a meeting in like ten minutes you've really gotta wrap it up, and you're almost there ... and then all of a sudden, the guy in the video pops a load on his cat or pulls a bottle of hairspray out of his ass, and you're all like, "Whoa, didn't see that coming," and the moment is pretty much gone? Well, that's exactly what happened to us with each of videos in today's roundup. (Not that it stopped us from, uh, continuing to pursue our goal—or missing the meeting, for that matter—but then we're trained professionals where these things are concerned.) See why amateur porn and surprises don't mix after the jump.

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11:40 AM on Fri Jun 27 2008
By sturtle
18,962 views, 9 comments

Latest by n/a: I'm not taking any chances: I gave my stuffed flamingo to Goodwill today. The devil won't make me do it. more »

this week in press releases

"Midget Cum #4": Because Midget Porn Is Forever

You would be forgiven for thinking that Incredible Digital’s "Midget Cum #4" was one of those opportunistic porn releases designed to capitalize on current events, seeing how the press release arrived in our inbox on the very same day we heard about a certain high-profile celebrity sex tape involving a certain low-profile celebrity. But in one of those spooky yet delightful coincidences that make life worth living, it seems that the two are completely unrelated: after all, the Verne Troyer thing pretty much came out of nowhere, and the venerable "Midget Cum" series is already on its fourth installment. And although we won't be sure of his credentials until we get our screener, we have no reason to doubt that Baby Gangster is in fact every inch the "larger-than-life midget superstar" the press release tells us he is. So if Mr. Troyer is intending to compete with him for the title, maybe he should watch this first to see how it's done. (Full press release after the jump.) More »

10:35 AM on Fri Jun 27 2008
By Fleshbot
6,429 views, 2 comments

Latest by Elvisisdead: Baby Gangster. He might pop a wee cap in your ass. more »

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