· Buy "Girlfriend Vignettes #2" (tlavideo.com)

Though she probably wouldn't date Prince (not a hockey player), he captures Faith to a T(yler) when he says, "I never seen such a pretty girl look so tough." As a contract performer for the former Jill Kelly Productions, Faith was glamorous. As a feature dancer - for which she continues to win awards - Faith can surgically remove your twenties with one thigh behind her back (don't ask me how she does it).

But Boston is her home.

Like Aerosmith's late, lamented annual concerts at the Garden, Faith performs regular showcases back in Massachusetts to adoring crowds when she is not easing into MILFier roles here in Porn Valley.

If you see Faith today, invite her to a cookout.

· Tyler Faith at IAFD.com (iafd.com)
· What makes boobs real? (gramponante.com)
· Buy Tyler Faith's movies (gamelink.com)

. . .

The latest of porn's attempts to marry the pageantry of wrestling to the domain of fake internal popshots, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling," like its predecessors bankrolled by Extreme Associates and Sin City in the late '90s and early oughts, has realized that the flimsy high concept storytelling of porn has been used in wrestling for generations.

But unlike its forebears, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" throws a little more sex the audience's way, performed by the likes of Kendra Secrets and Chyanne Jewel, who would be R. Crumb's powerful-legged heroines if he ever switched jobs with Vince McMahon.

How it works is this: actual wrestlers with their standard backstories (stole my belt, slept with my girlfriend, etc.) intersperse "legitimate" matches in a sparsely populated hall with wrestling grudge-related sex scenes between the aforementioned pornstresses and people like Evan Stone and Lee Stone. So, for example, Craig Valentine gets back at wrestling rival Evan Stone by showing a video of himself fucking Kendra Secrets.

"Beat that pussy up," Secrets says.

"Make sure when you kiss her on the lips," Valentine says to Stone, "you say hello to my kids, because they're hanging off her chin."

You get the idea.

This series has promise, but it was inevitable that it did not live up to its hype. I get a couple of press releases every week for this, and to watch the poorly rehearsed and scripted video, where viewers can hear each audience member clapping (there seem to be about ten), seems like kids' exercises in putting on "skits" for the new video camera, circa 1986.

Free of any real direction, the hammiest performers do well. Enter Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy. Stone knows this is a laugh, and we hope he got his day rate. He shows up in armor, for example.

Making the moves on "Vampire Warrior"'s girlfriend, Chyanne, Stone reveals that "on the road, wrestlers talk."

Jeremy, as a color commentator opposite a wrestler named Angelo "A Train," works his ass off like a Poconos comedian in a tough room.

The room itself appears to be a massive Florida strip club, rented for a couple of days.

Staying true to the pro-wrestling format of betrayal and vendetta, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" to its credit fills the disc with several sex scenes and plenty of wrestling, as well as interstitial exposition of why everyone is so mad at each other. Some people are cheap, others introduced their former friends' daughters to porn, etc. Like watching wrestling without sex, it gets confusing to follow the storlyline sometimes.

While Mary Carey and Tyler Faith are in the movie, they do not show up in sex scenes. Those go to Secrets, Keeanie Lei, and Jessica Haze.

As a porn flick, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" could have stood some improvement, but I say with all honesty that if you like professional wrestling, you will like this movie.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Not Rated Pro Wrestling
Studio: New Porn Order
Director: Craig Valentine
Cast: Matt Bateman, Snakemaster Abudadene, Blackheart, Pablo Marquez, Loaded Cash, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, Billy Blade, Annie Social, Buff Bagwell, Misty, Lee Stone, Keeanie Lei, Mary Carey, Doc Rivers, Mr. Montana, Tyler Faith, Jessica Haze, Vampire Warrior, Too Cold Scorpio, Evan Stone, Craig Valentine, Chyanne Jewel, Dick Fitzwell, "Knockout" Nikki, All the Money, Ron Jeremy, A Train

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)
· Buy "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" (gamelink.com)

. . .

This movie does not skimp on the porny MILFiness. In addition to Ms. Faith, we meet Chelsea Zinn ...

... and Payton Leigh.

Then Lisa DeMarco (wife of porn actor Marco Banderas) lets us know "As I get older, I like being in the kitchen more."

But the real treat in this movie is TJ Powers' energetic romp with Nick Manning. "The older you get, the better it gets," she tells the ladies watching (as if). "And the more you get, the more you want."

Powers matches Manning soundbite for soundbite in a throaty, sweaty scene.

"You found it," she growls. "Now pound it!"

Finally, Manning can bear no more. "Droppin' loads!" he screams. "Painting the town red and painting his MILF white!"

Pure pornic enjoyment. Powers has only done a few movies but she seems like a star.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "MILF-O-Maniacs" (gamelink.com)

No, the premise of this movie, starring "MILF"s Tyler Faith and Sandra Romain with "teen" Tiffany Sweet (in addition to other over 25/under 25 combos) is the art of girl/girl, September/May lovemaking, and should not be confused with "MILFs v. Teens", currently on the docket at the Porn Valley Appellate Court.

· "MILFs Vs. Teens" (metrointeractive.com)

The project promises that wannabe Ron Jeremys will learn the long and short of it by way of "never-before-revealed information" straight from several of the industry's top meat slingers. On one disc, Lawrence is interviewed by Fleshbot crush object Tyler Faith; he recommends that aspiring porn studs start shaving their testicles, a grooming must-do he says is easier than it sounds. (Word to the wise; says Tyler, "Nobody wants to put hairy balls in their mouth.")

On disc two, Lawrence performs with starlets Regan Anthony and Holly West. Known in the industry as an expert muff-diver, Lawrence also demonstrates his anal skills and different positioning techniques — but perhaps his most impressive trick is the ability to talk straight through the tutorial scenes (when his mouth isn't full, that is).
 
The set also includes interviews with Tommy Gunn, Kurt Lockwood and Marcus London ... and is endorsed by the Hedgehog himself. And for those that make it to the end? You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll look at a four-hour boner as a business opportunity! - JG

· "Breaking Into Porn" (DVD and download info @ breakingintoporn.com; see more previews @ YouTube)
· Jack Lawrence XXX (jacklawrencexxx.com)
· Tyler Faith (tylerfaith.com)

But, Reader, it is our nation's greatest celebrity sex tape. Read our review after the gap.

Amy Fisher Caught on Tape

Studio: Red Light District
Director: Lou Bellera
Cast: Amy Fisher, Loe Bellera, The Spirit of Long Island

Review by: Gram Ponante

Amy Fisher: Caught on Tape is the greatest celebrity sex tape ever made. It's like an Adam & Eve MILF movie because Fisher is actually a mom and her partner in several scenes, Bellera, is a gray-haired dude in his late fifties, which is central casting fodder for guys in instructional videos. A less sensational title would be "How to Use Viagra And Porn Language to Stimulate Your Ex-Con Trophy Wife".

Fisher is, without a doubt, a porn star. I am still sorting whether she is suing distributor Red Light District for copyright infringement in releasing the video (I bet everything is perfectly legal and that spectral lawsuits make the movie sell faster), but she knew the camera was on, posed, and performed several mainstream porn-worthy scenes regardless of whether she knew how the tape would be distributed.

Because she knew the tape would be distributed.

Who Is Amy Fisher?

Amy Fisher was a 16-year-old high school student when she met married mechanic Joey Buttafuoco in 1991. They began a sexual affair soon after she brought her car to Buttafuoco's Long Island garage and, more than a year later, Fisher shot his wife, Mary Jo, in the face as retaliation for Joey not leaving her for Fisher. Fisher served seven years in prison for this, Mary Jo was disfigured but recovered, and Joey did four months for statutory rape. Later, he and Mary Jo divorced.

Bellera is sometimes credited as a TV producer but I cannot find his name on various TV databases. Regardless, he clearly did his porn homework. Fisher does several porn-standard scenes, including solo, B/G, and light fetish. Whether or not she was a prostitute, she performs like a champ.

Bellera is not the best cameraman or dialogue partner, preferring stationary shots, but he can't be blamed because it's just the two of them and a tripod. But Fisher is clearly the better porn raconteur:

BELLERA: Yeah, baby. Wow! You are so hot. Unbelievable.

Better to just say nothing, Lou. But Fisher has the patter down:

FISHER: I want you to come fuck me. I want your hot come all over my tits.

Sold me. The only way this movie could have been better is if a bonus scene featured Boston's Tyler Faith and Fisher in a porn version of the Red Sox/Mets 1986 World Series.

The next few weeks will reveal whatever sordid or useless stories there are of how the tape came to light, but as a porn movie, Amy Fisher, Caught on Tape is leagues better than the efforts of Screech, Paris, Colin Farrell, Your Mom, Pam Anderson I & II, and Kim Kardashian. It's just delightful that it's not disappointing. I feel like things are finally becoming right again.

See more snaps from "Entering Nautica Thorn" after the gap.

In an interlude with Pride of Saugus Tyler Faith, we can imagine that each morning Thorn stops by her baby grand, plucks a flower from the vase atop it, and sticks one in her hair. That's living off the porn grid!

Because it's her house and her movie, Thorn is not chastised by Kelly Wells for intruding on her private and wholesome strivings with a camera. (Note: Alec Knight is, in fact, alive under there.)

Kimberly Kane drops by, but where is her other hand?

Finally, the always vocal Nick Manning joins Jay Lasseter to render Thorn momentarily speechless.

The canny Thorn named this movie after her website, in much the same way we named our porn movie "Fleshbot Presents CNN.com." Smart!

· Nautica Thorn (enternautica.com)
· Buy "Entering Nautica Thorn" (gamelink.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Photoplay Archive

... In which we prowled restlessly through strip clubs and Koreatown apartments, finally coming to rest in a curvier Tron world where we finally just went to sleep. First up: Tampa's own Regan Anthony ate my $20 without opening her mouth.!

Join us after the gap for more pictures of pornstars not how the world sees them but as they actually are. - GP

- - -

Ruby Luxe didn't complain when we asked her to try some boots on. She didn't protest, "But it's 90 degrees out!" She didn't pout that she'd just taken them off 15 minutes ago. She just put them on. We hope she becomes a big star.

I'm sure it's a simple Photoshop project that sucks the substance out of photographs to leave the viewer with nought but furniture outlines, but until I learn it myself, I prefer to think that Tyler Faith is actually Wonder Woman.

Here's Ryder Skye again. I take my job seriously and want to present as much nudity as possible, but that sure is a nice dress.

Previously: Popshots Archive

Somehow this picture of Pride of Saugus Tyler Faith, despite the graphic nature of what she is inviting me, personally, to do, seems wholesome because it appears she's in a cartoon. (That also happens to be my cigarette marketing strategy.) Faith debuts tomorrow night on upstart web-TV station Prime Time Uncensored with partner and internet provocateur Wankus.

I asked Faith what happened to her furniture. "Less work making a bed when it's just a bunch of lines," she said. - GP

· Prime Time Uncensored (primetimeuncensored.com)
· Tyler Faith (tylerfaith.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive