Jake Cruise Does It Again (With Mike Roberts)

My Dinner With Ass: "Asseaters Unanimous 16"

Breaking: Dessarae Bradford Is Not A Hooker

"Ladies Of The Night": What Does Gene Simmons Know About Whoring?

When we read the press release today announcing that Digital Playground had signed the adorable Riley Steele&trade — yes, she's trademarked already despite the fact that as far as we can tell only one photo of her exists — as the "newest and youngest addition to the studio's elite roster of world-renowned talent", we somehow couldn't help thinking about that part in "Showgirls" where a bedridden Gina Gershon, having been literally and metaphorically crippled by Elizabeth Berkley's overweening ambition, tells her former protegé "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs behind you." Whether this will translate to a knock-down, drag-out catfight between Riley&trade and the formerly newest DP addition Stoya&trade or veteran contract superstar Jesse Jane&trade remains to be seen, but in the meantime we're told we'll have to wait until the release of the eagerly awaited sequel to "Pirates" this fall to see Riley&trade make her onscreen debut. (Note to Digital Playground: We'd totally pay to see Riley™ in some hot catfight action with Stoya&trade and/or Jesse&trade before then, though. We're just saying.)

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

Consolation Prizes: Love Is On The Menu

The self-perpetuating press release engine that is porn becomes even more spirited and terrifying following the AVN Awards, and we have a little game that involves nuking every single press release as soon as it hits our inbox for two weeks following the show, knowing that they will contain things everyone already knows. It's fun. (We call it Deletey™.) But we couldn't but reward perennial Worst Press Release of the Week winner All Media Play for the good-humored Best DVD Menu announcement for its "Not the Bradys XXX".

We followed the august standard set by adult trade magazines to run the unexpurgated version after the gap.

If we remember anything from our own quiñceanera, by the time ladies like Lorena Sanchez reach "Barely Legal" age everything is old hat. Still, to paraphrase Larry Flynt at last Saturday's AVN Awards, Porn Will Out. That is why our hearts leap up to resuscitate our very occasional Press Release of the Week feature, this time from the scribes at Saint Larry's own company, as they find the upside down exclamation point key on their typewriters that has proven so elusive to us (otherwise I, for one, would use it ¡all the time!) to flog "Barely Legal Latinas". Lee Ud. mas post el gapo.

Now that former GQ editor Mark Healy has retooled Penthouse magazine as a more upscale and savvy version of its former self, it should probably come as no surprise that the venerable title will soon be branching out into other forms of media as well (all the better to create a lifestyle brand, you know): the company announced today that it has partnered with adult media powerhouse New Frontier Media in a $10 million deal that will bring Penthouse TV to a small screen near you within the next two years. While the teasers on the new preview website don't make the content look much different from what you can already find on, say, the Spice Channel, we're looking forward to seeing a programming schedule chock full of the new Penthouse's inimitable sense of style. A cooking show hosted by Heather Vandeven, mayhaps? "Sasha Grey's Guide To Porn Star Style"? Here's hoping!

· Penthouse TV (penthousetv.com)

Press release (for those of you who are into that sort of thing) after the jump.

Like most of you (we hope), we sort of don't give a rat's ass about the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour this December. We are interested, however, in all the ways the adult industry will be responding to the pop culture hype in the months ahead—and the juggernaut has already begun with Private's annoucement today that they will be releasing Euro production team Moire Candy's "The Spiced Up Girls":

The six scene movie gives a new meaning to the catchphrase Girl Power! Entitled 'Pussy Power!' the movie will see Private's versions of Posh, Ginger, Scary & Sporty but these girls can do a lot more than sing. Baby Spice will be played by Private's brand new contract girl Rose ... 'The Spiced-Up Girls' will be great pastiches of the girls, not only will they sing, 'The Spiced Up Girls' will also do anal! We feel that this concept is a sure fire winner for sales as we generate noise not only around our beautiful five some, but also the movie and the pop song in a way that only Private can produce."

· Moire Candy Blog @ Private Media (private.com)