Fleshbot: this week in porn titles

"Intimate Temptations": When Bad Porn Titles Happen To Good People

Gram Ponante — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:00:00 EST

Perhaps taking a strategy from the Playboy/Cinemax playbook, Australian all-girl outfit Abby Winters (not a real person) has been issuing a stream of more and more generic-sounding titles. And what's worse—the dingo-inducing hijinks inside are delightful and undeserving of the bland signage. It is like meeting your dream date at the "Encounters" lounge at Howard Johnson's. And Howard Johnson was a real person.

Natural curves blend with natural light in these nine scenes, none of which involves temptation but each of which is decidedly intimate. Healthy Aussies masturbate themselves or each other for as long as it takes to get the job done. After all, "Abby Winters" guarantees real orgasms - or she'll refund your money herself!

Each of the scenes is a highlight for fans of low-key, no-nonsense porn from people who look content to be there, but standouts are the Meg White-lookalike covergirl Krystin, two scenes of Lou-Ellyn (one of which features her masturbating to a Nick Cave poster), and a split screen phone sex interlude between Ren and Shaminee.

I know that naming porn movies is difficult, and that "Dirtpipe Milkshakes" is already taken, but I'd even take "Gulpilil's Private Stash" over "Intimate Temptations."

. . .

· Abby Winters (abbywinters.com)
· Buy "Intimate Temptations" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Being For The Benefit Of Gina Lynn's Ass

Gram Ponante — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 12:48:04 EDT

First off, we were so impressed with last week's efforts that we are moving to Philadelphia to fondle the left ball of Duncan Doughnut and perform an Ass Meld on our sneeze reflex. But it's a new week in a litigious world, and Zero Tolerance has clearly forgotten about a certain lawsuit-happy Cupertino company in naming its latest "Apple Bottomz." After all, one look at Gina Lynn and it's an easy jump to "How many USB devices can I daisy chain from her ass? Like, 128?" Your job this week, then, is to rename this movie as if it were either a Beatles lyric or a computer product. Having trouble? Your mother should know.

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Apple Bottomz" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Getting A Handle on Kristie Creame

Gram Ponante — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:55:22 EDT

As you consider what's happening to Kristie Creame, be thankful that the title of this movie has nothing to do with the fact that a black man is doing it. But see, also, that he has his left hand on her right cheek, as if trying to reconcile the sides of his brain that deal with the maths and the ass.

If you are successful like last week's winner, you will tell us (one entry per person, please) what this dude is doing with his right hand.

· Evasive Angles (evasiveangles.com)
· See the real title (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Brownout Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:25:44 EDT

We're an enlightened group of people here, right? Remember when your wife sat on my lap at the dinner party and you were uncomfortable but we all got over it? That's what I mean. But now and then there is a porn title even we First Amendment Patriots quail at.

This week's WWFRD entry is such a title. Your job today is to view the actual title and creatively soften it (the first step is to remove the too-easy "#2") for consumption by people who think the original might have gone too far. And you are further challenged to do it with one entry, much as we were wowed by last week's winner.(Though feel free to tell your friends about it.)

· Hush Hush Entertainment (hush-hushentertainment.com)
· See the Real Title (if you dare) (gamelink.com)

"Interracial Booty Patrol 5": When Too Much Passion Is Not Enough

Gram Ponante — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:05:05 EDT

Regular readers of this web endeavor know that the porn industry isn't all glamor and dazzle. In fact, some people get downright bored when getting downright bored. But that doesn't mean you have to choose that image for your box cover.

The face "Interracial Booty Patrol 5" presents to the world features a woman named Envy who is photographed as one part of her watches her little brother playing Rock Band 2 and the other part ... well, see what happens after the gap.

. . .

I mean, at the very least you'd expect her to balance a bowl of chips on her back for the poor guy.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Interracial Booty Patrol 5" (jadedvideo.com)

"The Sex Offenders": Teravision Movies No Longer Allowed Within 50 Feet Of Schools

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:15:00 EDT

We all know that nobody does clever puns—or capitalizes on the day's biggest headlines—better than porn companies, and Tera Patrick's production company does both with its latest release, "The Sex Offenders". Starring a possibly younger and somewhat alien-looking version of Stoya, it's the heartwarming tale of people who have sex just because they can. It really is a perfect title, too, because not only does it play on the media's obsession with criminal rehabilitation, it also evokes the appropriate level of fear and shame that you should feel whenever you buy a filthy hardcore porn movie. It's a good thing DVD stores don't exist anymore, because if you walked into your local retailer and asked for this one you'd probably end up on a list somewhere yourself.

. . .

• "The Sex Offenders" (Teravision) (adultdvdempire.com)
• Tera Trailers (teratrailers.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Grinders, Gyros, And Hoagies Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:15:57 EDT

"I would like to grind your cock into a fine paste," Brea Bennett did not say at a news conference announcing her "Cock Grinder" movie. "Or maybe a meal from which I can make my family's tortillas." As head-scratchingly bad a title something implying that, should your penis pass through Bennett's folds, it will be ground is, I'm sure you can imagine a much, much more horrifying title.

Go, as they say, nuts because, like the subject of last week's winner josereyes, you're "smart! Not like everybody says!"

· Club Jenna (clubjenna.com)
· Buy "Brea Bennett: Cock Grinder" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Catatonia Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:15:49 EDT

Submitted for your approval: There is something not quite sentient about the woman on the left, being disrobed for your delectation in this Earl Miller movie. Now I get glazed looks like this all day, running as I do the Dunkin' Donuts concession inside Bogue Chitto High. But I don't know if these ladies are inviting me in or asking me to step outside while the formaldehyde tops off.

Two lines of dialogue from these women is all we ask you to provide if you want to join Zipper in the winners' circle.

· Earl Miller (earlmiller.com)
· Buy "Earl Miller's Naughty Girls" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Gold Medal Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 21:40:23 EDT

This publication seems to be in love with the word "fap" as much as the nation is in love with Michael Phelps. So why not combine them? At least for the duration of this post, substitute "Phelps" for "fap" and consider the onomatopoetic implications (I imagine the L sound coming from a punch to the throat when it's done).

Anyway, if you were running the Beijing Olympics, what sexy sport—and we're talking medal sports, not demonstration sports—would you like to see your country's porn performers competing in? Be like last week's winners and don't keep switching between the Olympics and a pledge drive version of "Celtic Thunder."

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Private Gold #100 - Pornolympics The Anal Games" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? MILF Accessories Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 23:35:45 EDT

What kind of woman forgets to take out her curlers before allowing herself to be reamed by the local blind, distractingly hairy-legged newsboy? Well, a MILF, apparently. In some circles a MILF is a mom, in others a cougar, and in this someone who just doesn't care. Why not a housecoat, too? Two weeks ago we asked for the optimal teen porn accessory—and you, bless your heart, said a big wheel. Now, if you can suggest the best porn accessory for a MILF, you will join last week's laureate in the winner's circle.

· Hush Hush Entertainment (hush-hushentertainment.com)
· Buy "Ramonator 2" (gamelink.com)

Fleshbot OMG: What Lies Beneath

Gram Ponante — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:00:21 EDT

I can't say whether or not this will be a regular feature, but out of the hundreds of porn titles I receive each week at Fleshbot West few if any inspire a vocal reaction. Fewer still require my showing this to te proprietors of every Korean travel agency along the hallway. You've probably already guessed (because you're brilliant) but I found myself understanding how Civil War General Ben Butler felt when he said that the look of things in the north did not prepare him for conditions in the south.

This DVD is in our possession and we promise to document all the wild goings on therein. We will figure out what the deal is with the dude on the right and see why ur covergirl looks eerily like Tera Patrick on the back cover.

· Cine X Latino (cinexlatino.com)
· Watch "Out Of Control Travestis 2" (adultemart.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Tender Discoveries Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 20:05:49 EDT

Let's do the math: an average of five scenes per movie times seven movies. That means that at least 35 people have not had black cock before. In this day and age. I remember when we graduated we all went out and got one, and that's hard to do in Middlebury. So what people are watching in "My First Black Cock #7" is a tender right of passage rather than the bumpy journey mainstream media would have you believe it is. So be like last week's winner, fleshbotpdh, and come up with the next Best First Thing for porn—with extra points granted for something that can be done on a big wheel.

· Devils Film (devilsfilm.com)
· Buy "My First Black Cock 7" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Mother And Lollipop Reunion Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:30:19 EDT

Sadly, none of the pairings in this movie are of actual mothers and daughters; in fact, one participant revealed to me that "even if I had a daughter, I wouldn't have sex near her". But that is why porn is all about fantasy.

We were happy to see that the title was not "Fuck My Mommy and Me," but we wish producers had respected us enough to choose some other prop than a goddamn lollipop to denote youth. Couldn't she be texting, or filling out college applications, or working at McDonald's? If you succeed like last week's winner I.M.B.Y., you will have given us the new porn youth totem that will replace pigtails, lollipops, and plaid skirts. Hop to it! Your nation needs you. And so does Mommy.

· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)
· Buy "Fuck My Mom And Me 4" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Mentor Lesbians Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:40:11 EDT

Back in my day (I am now 23), lesbians didn't look like this—or at least the mainstream media, softball-playing, Melissa Etheridge-listening, workmen's comp-seeking, Seneca Falls enpilgrimaging ones didn't. So seeing this lesbian MILF movie, even after a steady diet of porn lesbians, is still a shock.

What you must needs do to win this week's contest in as spectacular a fashion as last time's winner slyty did is to tell us what you would say to ripe Bree Olson to lure her into your experienced Sapphic boudoir. Not that she looks like she needs much convincing.

· Girlfriends Films (girlfriendsfilms.com)
· Buy "Lesbian Seductions 15: Older/Younger" (gamelink.com)

Ripped (Off) From Basic Cable: "Dawg The Black Booty Hunter"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:30:32 EDT

The A&E show "Dog the Bounty Hunter" has no porn elements in it whatsoever—yet viewers would probably not be surprised if each and every one of its characters had a porn career, so similar is the demographic. That is why "Dawg the Black Booty Hunter" (and, really, do we ever hear of white booty?) is the most apt porn crossover we have yet to actually see. Now all we need for our double-digit channel flipping is "Ass Road Truckers."

· BNew Porn Order" (newpornorder.com)

· "Dawg" tease on YouTube (youtube.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Penal Reform Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:45:12 EDT

We know. "We're evolved enough as porn consumers to not expect a literal interpretation of the title on the boxcover, hence why these harlots are outside and not actually in detention," you might say. But that wasn't the point we were going to make. Instead, dazzle us like last week's winner did and come up with a Motown girl group name for the flashing harlots on the bench.

· Gazzman (gazzman.com)
· Buy "Young Harlots - In Detention" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? It's Not A Tumor Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:10:04 EDT

You might as well face it: Rocco Siffredi is—and rightfully so—the world's most popular male porn star. But that does not mean his "Puppet Master" DVD doesn't look terrifying, what with the head of that Robert Palmer video girl growing like an abscess out of that crawly girl. And what does that picture have to do with puppets?

Please rename this porn movie in a fashion that fits with the box photo and you shall be praised on high next week in the same way that last week's winner was: in these five hyperlinked words.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Puppet Master" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Ladies Of Leisure Edition

Gram Ponante — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 12:30:08 EDT

I suppose Fleshbot management keeps me around for my boilermakers and Daddy's money, because now and then I look at the angular and spavined pinups my colleagues choose and feel out of the loop. "It's Father's Day," I'll say. "These women can't accommodate my seed."

Here, on the other hand, are a couple of pneumatic lovelies lounging about the set, just daring you to feed them some Father's Day kabobs. Sure "Waist Watchers" is a great title for 1976—but can you be like last week's winner paraffinshot and this time find a more sensual and aromatic title for this movie than the one G-d gave it? Thank you.

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Waist Watchers 3" (gamelink.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Unsightly Spills Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:25:20 EDT

Not that Fleshbot readers aren't anything but swinging bachelors and (maybe two, at most three) bachelorettes, but they are also well-read. So they should know, at least anecdotally, that the word "blowout" strikes fear in anyone who has ever changed a diaper.

For this reason, as well as an equally legitimate need to not compare something that happens to Lorena Sanchez with a weekly sale at a mattress store, the word "blowout" needs to be excised from this title. So friends, be like last week's winner Tits McGee and find a more suitable title for this movie. And because we are benevolent, you can keep the "Creampie."

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Cream Pie Blowout 3" (gamelink.com)

2008's Top Ten Porn Parodies: Life Imitates Art?

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:05:05 EDT

While some porno titles are clearly the products of divine inspiration ("Cum Fart Tsunami," anyone?), others rely on more mundane sources of inspiration. giving us "The Eliot Splitz-her Story" and any number of "Sex and the City" clones. In a tip of the hat to the latter mode of pornspiration, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey teamed up during the MTV Movie Awards to offer us the "Top Ten Porno Names Based On Hit Movies Of 2008." Any idea how long it'll take for the porno studios to actually make these into real stroke flicks? Cause we're dying to see "The Suck-It List."