The amount of times I was referred to as "Joe," "G.I. Joe," "Joe College," and "America's Beloved Porn Journalist" on my trip to Bangkok made me comfortable with the idea that "Suckee Fuckee" is not some pat slur but instead an earnest invitation to connect via fellatio and fornication with tiny natives.

"I'll take some Murray Head," I said, but they did not understand.

The women in this collection have a very omnisexual, predatory look, as if only a well-considered business decision kept them from becoming trannies. I, for one, applaud this decision.

Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)
Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
Buy "Bangkok Suckee Fuckee 7" (gamelink.com)

And "fantasy" is the right word, because none of "Fresh Off The Boat 2" was filmed in the United States. Furthermore, there is some evidence to suggest that these prostitutes and/or AV Girls from Japan, Thailand, Colombia, and Brazil have never set a stilettoed heel on a boat.

Grams, you might say, does this mean that producers of this event are lying, that we don't get to sample the naive immigrant experience?

No, Grasshopper. It means that these postmodernist auteurs have turned the FOtB paradign on its head.

So it is you, the viewer, that is himself (let's face it, your girlfriend shouldn't know) fresh off the boat (2) in this situation, padding through unfamiliar terrain in search of women who have never heard of Tera Patrick (or Biohazard), don't know Chatsworth's zip code, and couldn't care less who was at the FAME Awards.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Fresh Off the Boat 2" (gamelink.com)

True, Thailand may not be the first country that comes to mind when you think of hot and heavy amateur fucking... but we think this video will help to change that perception. It's certainly gotten us wondering what other international amateur action we're missing out on. Getting kinky in Kabul? Doing it in Delhi? Eating out in Ethiopia? We know you're out there... and we're ready to see what you've got to offer.

· Thai couple fucking (xtube.com)

So what kind of photos would put the Thai police force on high alert? After the jump, a gallery of some of Xiao Yun's saucier photos. (OK, so they're nothing we'd happen to consider calling out the authorities for. But then, we're not living in Thailand, are we?

. . .

· "Thai police keep a close eye on nude Chinese fundraiser" (earthtimes.org - thanks AJ)

· The Third Sex (blog @ third-sex.org)
· Interview: Captain Outrageous, Ladyboy Photographer (seymourtotti.com)
· Captain Outrageous (paysite @ captain-outrageous.com)

- - -

· Love Me Long Time - Sex Tourism in Thailand (Google Video)

* * * * *

Previously: An Ode To Thailand's Sexual Past (And Present)

No finer an expert than Christoph Carl Fernberger von Egenberg (you remember him) declared that the women of the region were "excessively lewd" all the way back in the 1600s. Ever since then, horny sailors and soldiers have never lacked for a friendly brothel while in port—even the pandas know how to have fun. Of course, the porn industry has never had trouble playing up this slatternly attitude either, so here's our little mini-tribute to the not-so-mysterious allure of this great nation. Just don't call us for bail money when your next vacation hits a little "snag."

- - -

Thai Models/Pornstars:

· Lily Koh (lilykoh.org)

- - -

· Lily Thai (nsgalleries.com)

- - -

· Luci Thai (video gallery @ porn-sky.com)
· Rosy Rocket (rosyrocket.com)

Thai-Themed Websites:

· Fuck My Thai Pussy (fuckmythaipussy.com)

- - -

· ONLY THAI TEENS ( onlythaiteens.com)

· Thailand TravelSexGuide (travelsexguide.tv)

- - -

· "History's wanton women" (nationmultimedia.com, via asiansexgazette.com)
· Thai Porn is not what you think it means (conanstevens.com)
Thumbnail via Club Thaichix (paysite preview @ thaichix.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Popshots of the Week: Tokyo And Bangkok Edition, See Lai, Meet Sai-Tai Tiger

- - -

TWM's models tend to be just a little pornier than models we usually encounter from these countries, which helps us get over the culture shock a little. We just wish there were some tentacles.

- - -

This woman's coccyx is facing Bangkok. Go ahead: Google that sentence.

- - -

At Fleshbot West, we have named this woman Circa-2003 Belladonna Without The Gap Between Her Front Teeth (C3BWTGBHT or "Mandy" for short). The sumi-e brushstrokes are a lot less unwieldy than the English translation is.

- - -

Finally, this is Isabella. "What part of Thailand is Isabella from?" I asked.

"No," I was told, "We also shoot a line in Brazil."

"Is she a tranny?"/"She's not a tranny."

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Popshots Archive

We have no idea whether Mercury is in retrograde this month, but we do know that Tera Patrick and Lucy Lee, who is a former contract performer for Tera's company Teravision, got in a spat so close to the famous corner of Hollywood and Vine last week prior to the XRCO Awards that it is a wonder both weren't scooped up by passing Hollywood talent scouts and made major stars.

Meanwhile, halfway across the world in Thailand, porn director John T. Bone and associates were busted by police for having instruments of pornography and the intent to use them.

Read more about the porn world seeming sordid all of a sudden after the gap. - GP

- - -

Lee and Patrick, former friends who fell out, resulting in Lee's dismissal from the company, encountered each other outside Hollywood's Forbidden City night club, where Tera was about to host an awards show.

Lee claims Patrick's company still owes her money, and that her non-compete agreement prohibited her from working. Non-compete agreements in any industry are terrifically difficult to enforce, but the porn world is strange, and it is possible that Tera's reputation alone was enough to keep Lee from working. In the wake of the scrape, performer Nikki Benz also said Tera treated her poorly.

Lee and Patrick had a shouting match which led to a mutual tossing of drinks, which may or may not be copyright infringement. Sources say Lee was the first to toss a drink.

Teravision issued a statement today denying wrongdoing.

We disagree with the allegations that Ms. Lee is owed money, and we certainly disagree with her fabrications as to what took place at the awards show. If Ms. Lee believes she is owned money, the proper way to address that would be to call our offices. She has never raised any such issues in the past- it is interesting, and questionable that she chooses to do so now in the press, on the heels of Ms. Benz's unfounded allegations. It is unfortunate that these two have seemingly "paired up" to try and spread a negative smear campaign- we are not sure what their motivation may be, but we have no doubt that soon we will learn where their intentions are.

Meanwhile, in Thailand, John Bowen, aka porn director John T. Bone, was arrested along with Kyle Mark Micgram, a director for Hustler, in Pattaya City. The pair had set up a studio in an apartment where police found images of the Buddha in every corner, which they allege would be seen "in every frame" of porn movies the pair would make.

The police further allege that Bone and Micgram used prostitutes and "katueys" (transvestites or transsexuals) in the creation of the films and an accompanying website.

Bowen argued that he was not the only person in Thailand doing what he was arrested for, but the police didn't consider that sufficient reason to let him go. Bowen's website says that "rumors of my incarceration are are (sic) greatly exaggerated".

· Tera Patrick (clubtera.com)
· John T. Bone (johntbone.com)
· Lucy Lee on MySpace (myspace.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

· These pictures of Gisele Bundchen are a bit dated, but are honestly about as hot as she's ever looked. Is it actually possible to underestimate a supermodel? (mannysbabes.blogspot.com)

· Here's another completely fascinating useless and made up porn statistic: "Every second, approximately 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography." We can't be the only ones who think that's shockingly low. (cnn.com)

· Slate takes a tour of Bangkok's more, uh ... adventurous entertainments. Like ping pong acts that don't involve a net. (Or even ping pong balls, apparently.) (slate.com)

· "Real" newspapers discover Joanna Angel and try to wrap their heads around altporn. Aren't they cute? (Gawker)

· A pregnant woman is accused of selling herself online for sex, with the husband serving as her pimp. "I have not heard of this before," says a police spokeswoman, who must be new around here. (canada.com)

· France's wackiest politician says kids should not get free condoms in school—they should masturbate instead. That's not the worst piece of advice ever, but let's try to think outside the box, okay? (news.com.au)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Middle-aged suburban moms discover pole dancing and millions of teen-aged and twenty-something children try to pretend they didn't hear that. (nytimes.com)

· Pink is looking pretty healthy in her bikini and if you don't agree, she will absolutely kick the shit out of you. (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Cameron Diaz loves Drew Barrymore too much to let her dance around in the surf all by herself. They're like, totally BFFL, you know. (toxicmagazine.com)

· More on the Icelandic porn convention that wasn't. How can porn be illegal in a place where you can't go outside nine months out of the year? (icelandreview.com)

· Apparently, being a sex worker in Thailand is not as glamorous and exciting as all those American sex tourists would have you believe. (sundaytimes.lk)

· Meanwhile, sex workers in India would like to be known as "entertainment workers." Fine, but only if we can call ourselves entertainment bloggers. (expressindia.com)

· Woe to the teacher whose students discover that she bears a striking resemblance to a porn star. She'd probably get more respect from them, if she actually was a porn star. (dailyrecord.co.uk)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Does this dress look scandalous to you? Maybe you've been hanging out in the wrong part of Thailand recently.
(crazyass13.com)

· Vanessa Williams will take her clothes off for a national magazine again, more than 20 years after the scandal that ruined her career/made her an international star. Funny how that worked out. (nypost.com)

· Will a not-really-naked photo scandal bring down an American Idol contestant? Or will it pretty much guarantee that she makes the final round? It is American Idol, after all. (bastardly.com + newsday.com)

· Some parents think it's a scandal that their kids can get R-rated movies at their local library. Fortunately, most kids are afraid to go in because they might accidentally read something. (kcrg.com)

· Nude water skiers scandalize the cruisegoers on the Queen Mary 2 as it arrives in Australia. Hey, it's not called a luxury liner for nothing. (smh.com.au)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· OK, Michelle Marsh—we already conceded that you and your countrywomen like Jana Defi have huge boobs. No need to rub it in. (On second thought, a little more rubbing would be nice.) (the-feeding-tube.com)

· Valentine's Day is a great day to lose your virginity—unless you're a teenager in Thailand, in which case you should probably just go to the movies. (reuters.co.uk)

· Have you heard of these things called "blogs," where people write about intimate, personal details and then put them on this thing called the internets where anyone can read them? Please, tell us more! (stuff.co.nz)

· Anna Nicole Smith is not the first former Playboy Playmate to die tragically at a young age, although we're not sure Pat Sheehan's heart attack at age 74 makes her exactly "cursed." (foxnews.com + thesun.co.uk)

· Women deserve the best things in life, so why do they settle for second-rate sex? If you have to settle for anything it shouldn't be orgasms. (msnbc.msn.com)

· We're not sure if you should take this romantic "advice" from the mad geniuses of history. Just because a guy figures out relativity doesn't make him an Einstein in the sack. (mentalfloss.com)

· Finally, just a reminder that pornography is a "poison" that is "left in your brain forever"! We guess we should have told you that before we showed you the boobs, huh? (byu.edu)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Is hip-hop hanger-oner and Paris Hilton playmate Kim Kardashian the latest celebrity to be the subject of a leaked sex tape? You can bet as soon as we find out anything you'll read about it here first. (As soon as we figure out why Kim Kardashian is a celebrity to begin with.) (idontlikeyouinthatway.com)

· Meanwhile, godmother of the sex tape Pamela Anderson is always on top of the latest celebrity trends. Step 1: Get a divorce. Step 2: Upskirt photos. She forget Step 1a—take your panties off—but we've all seen her crotch enough times to know what it looks like. (egotastic.com)

· If you can explain why a brand new Zune might have videos of male group sex on it, you could win a free t-shirt. If you can also explain why anyone would buy one of those doodads in the first place, you'll have our admiration as well. (crunchgear.com)

· Thailand cracks down on "Coyote Girls," the legion of sexy dancers inspired by the movie "Coyote Ugly." If only someone had cracked down on the filmmakers before we spent $7 to see that stinker. (mercurynews.com)

· Why do some strip clubs have the dreaded "three-foot" rule? Believe it or not, it isn't because the whole world is out to get you. (timesargus.com)

* * * * *
Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Did you know that Thai ladyboys are on average three to five centimeters taller than non-ladyboy Thai males? This means that in addition to becoming entertainers and sex workers, many ladyboys also play volleyball, which is a fun fact to remember the next time you face one of those slightly awkward silent moments at a holiday office party or family gathering. While most of the work in German editorial photographer Frank Rothe's portfolio rates higher in interestingness than wankability, it's still more than worth your while to check out—especially his "Lady Boys" series and "China Naked" series, the latter featuring (what else) nude studies shot in Beijing and Shanghai artfully juxtaposed with urban landscapes. And then there's the volleyball thing, which we'll have to take Rothe's word for since we have no way of verifying it: all the ladyboys around our office wear heels all the time, so it's hard to tell how tall they really are really.

· Frank Rothe Photography (frankrothe.com)

Previously: Asian Princess Artifacts, Sexy Japanese Idols, Chinese Adult Expo, Asia Diva

Just a few weeks ago we were waxing rhapsodic about Japanese-German model action; now we find out that the Thai-German crossover thing ain't such a bad thing either. By way of evidence, see Sai-Tai Tiger—a pouty-faced, tattooed hottie porning it up in Germany with equal measures of artsy glamour sensibility and smutty sass. Like chocolate and peanut butter (if not sauerkraut and mee krob), she's two great tastes that taste great together.

· Sai Tai Tiger (sai-tai-tiger.de)

Previously: Meet Asia Suki, Asian Princess Artifacts, Asia Diva

· In case you were wondering, the naked babe who is not Elin "Mrs. Tiger Woods" Nordegren but who's still causing a bunch of fuss this week is actually Playboy model Kim Hiott. She also really needs to fire her press agent. (tabloidbaby.blogspot.com + tabloidrabies.blogspot.com)

· Not that we can read a lick of Portuguese, but apparently according to this article Daniela Cicarelli is going to sue the pants off everyone who published that sexy beach footage we posted about yesterday. Hey, don't look at us—we're just "reporting". (oglobo.globo.com - thanks TM)

· That military coup in Bangkok this week has shaken Thailand to its very core ... except for the sex industry, which couldn't care less. (yahoo.com)

· A new show is about to debut in the UK called "Masturbation for Girls," featuring an " orgasm coach" who teaches ladies how to take care of themselves. Somebody gets us a plane ticket or a really big satellite dish! (dailymail.co.uk)

· Resident Fleshbot gal Friday Violet Blue gets pwned at a series of San Francisco bus stops by way of some guerilla promotion for her SFGate.com sex column debut. We thought those photos looked familiar ... (tinynibbles.com)

· First it was the alphabet, now it's naughty nursery rhymes. We never though we'd say this, but won't someone stop thinking of the children! (boston.com)

· A man in Seattle gets $500,000 after the city denied him the permits to open a strip club. So what will he spend the money on? Strippers, of course. (seattletimes.nwsource.com, via avn.com)

· We talk a lot about how porn is all mainstream and everything, but honestly, we don't see Peter North doing a TV ad for Doritos anytime soon. (cineblog.it)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives