Flight Attendants

Studio: X-Play/Adam & Eve
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Kayden Kross, Evan Stone, Hillary Scott, Teagan Presley, Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Misty Stone, Shyla Stylez, Kacey Jordan, Lexi Love, Michelle Maylene, Randy Spears, James Bartholet, Eric John, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Thomas Ward, Brad Hardy, Kenzi Marie, Chastity Lynn, Farrah Foxx, Dino Bravo, Barry Scott

Review by: Gram Ponante

X-Play's newest film (following last week's "Monday Night Football") continues the company's diversification into porn comedies that aren't based on a particular show. This one draws broadly from "Airplane!" with a healthy dose of Jim Holliday's ensemble pornos of the 90's (Holliday gets namechecked in the movie) as well as Digital Playground's recent successes in occupational porn, "Cheerleaders," "Babysitters," "Nurses," and "Teachers."

A co-production with Adam & Eve like last year's Zero Tolerance/A&E matchup "Rollerdollz," "Flight Attendants" tries so hard to please that it collapses with the effort. Such a large cast means not enough room for everyone to shine, and the story is so needlessly convoluted that you will actually become stupider while watching it.

Q. But Grams, surely you're not saying that you would fault a porn movie for a poorly-executed story. Isn't sex all that matters?
A. While sex is all that matters, at least at this point in our lives, you should probably just buy ten copies of "Flight Attendants," watch each one, and feel your IQ drop by ten points each time. Then you will be this movie's target audience, and will support X-Play's future filmic endeavors.

Multiple uses of flashbacks and dream sequences are neither effective nor funny, the theme song is grating, and the numerous gay and black/urban poor jokes made by and at the expense of performer James Bartholet and openly black performer Misty Stone try too hard to be outrageous and fall flat. It was often amazing how "Flight Attendants" made two subjects that are normally hilarious - race and sexual orientation - unfunny while trying to be "broad."

Speaking of broad, let's talk about the sex.

X-Play has assembled an all-star cast and we slog through way too much plot before any cast members commence to fucking. While there are standout scenes between Shyla Stylez and Randy Spears, the newly-returned Hillary Scott and Barry Scott (no relation), and Kayden Kross and Evan Stone, we don't see nearly enough of Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Teagan Presley, or Lexi Love. And, in an industry where people don't need much of an excuse to have sex, "Flight Attendants" manages to strain credulity.

I think X-Play in particular and parodies in general need to take a vacation.

We know the recent difficulty of making money in porn, and part of the current marketing strategy involves having numerous products on the shelves. X-Play is also playing two sides of the field by releasing movies through distributors Adam & Eve as well as Hustler. But it seems that a company that can make such note-perfect parodies like "Not Married with Children" and "Not the Cosby Show" may have extended its reach this time; "Flight Attendants" did not need to be bad.

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Though all the girls featured in "Deviance" put forth excellent performances, it's very clear that Eva Angelina is the real star of the show (as well she should be). Appearing in four of the six scenes, Eva takes on Mr. Marcus (in all three holes!), joins Lexi Belle in a threeway with Tommy Gunn, gets doubled teamed (and DPed) by Ben English and Marco Banderas, and heads up an all-girl free for all with Teagan Presley, Sunny Leone, and Alexis Texas. We're exhausted just writing that up—we can't imagine what it must have been like for Eva to actually do it.

The two non-Eva scenes are also quite strong, with Kagney Linn Karter and James Deen enjoying each other in what appear to be the hallway of an abandoned warehouse and Shawna Lenee going after Mick Blue and Jerry (at the same time!). But really, we gotta say...its Eva who steals our heart.

Difficult as it was to wait for Eva during her months away from porn, "Deviance" is proof positive that the wait was worth it. And if this is Eva getting her feet wet, well...we can't wait for "Evalutionary."

Eva Angelina
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina and Mr. Marcus
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Shawna Lenee
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Shawna Lenee, Mick Blue, and Jerry
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Lexi Belle
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Lexi Belle, Eva Angelina, and Tommy Gunn
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Sunny Leone
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Alexis Texas
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Teagan Presley
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina and Teagan Presley
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Sunny Leone and Teagan Presley
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina, Alexis Texas, Teagan Presley, and Sunny Leone
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Alexis Texas, Teagan Presley, Eva Angelina, and Sunny Leone
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina, Ben English, and Marco Banderas
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Kagney Linn Karter
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Kagney Linn Karter and James Deen
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)
Eva Angelina, Alexis Texas, Sunny Leone, and Teagan Presley
"Deviance" (deviancexxx.com)

He's gone and taken the five hottest scenes he's ever shot of these girls and put them in one volume of his Handheld Pictures for Digital Playground, pitting them against each other in a head on collision of sticky goodness—winner fucks all style.

An epic battle of these proportions is too much for a single human mind to comprehend. It's bigger than Godzilla versus King Kong, bigger than Bear versus Shark, bigger than AVN versus XBIZ.

How can we be expected to choose between two of our favorite pint sized starlets when we just about lose our minds every time we see either of them hard at work? Both girls easily win our hearts over the minute they slink out of their clothes and onto a throbbing prick. Teagan is a dream with a juicy cock in her tiny mouth and pixie porn princess Jenna Haze leaves us with a longing ache bent over and crammed full of a cock meat. If anything the girls are like two sides of a sexy coin, both equally sexy, both equally capable of blowing our minds.

Luckily for us (and you) we don't have to pick one.

"Teagan vs Jenna" comes out next week from Handheld Pictures and Digital Playground. Consider us your pornographic Switzerland.

All images courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
All images courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
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All images courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
All images courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

Eva has just signed an exclusive contract with skinworXXX, her comeback film, "Deviance: Eva Angelina," will feature her first boy-girl scenes since her hiatus. But wait, there's more: Eva's not just a skinworXXX contract star, she's also an executive producer and co-owner, along with fellow contract star Teagan Presley (who, yes, is still only doing girl-girl scenes).

In celebration of this momentous occasion, skinworXXX is giving you—yes, you—free porn. Specifically, a thirty minute clip of Eva and Teagan going at it (it's called "Cumbacks: Eva Angelina and Teagan Presley," cause, you know, they're clever like that). The streaming clip is available at SunGoddessXXX.com and DevianceXXX.com—though, fair warning, when we tried to see it, it took forever to load.

· Teagan Presley, Eva Angelina Sign Exclusive Deals With skinworXXX (xbiz.com)
· DevianceXXX (deviancexxx.com)
· SunGoddessXXX (sungoddessxxx.com)
· Thumbnail via Premium Pass (premiumpass.com, via Ask Jolene)

Belladonna collects awards at these events like people think she's going to return to the Mother Ship any minute, so that Belladonna (or Belladonna-related products, like "Pirates II" and "Girltrain") picked up five awards last night is not surprising.

It is simply that she landed both "Orgasmic Oralist" and "Orgasmic Analist," two awards that are themselves particular to the XRCO and which signify that Belladonna has 'em coming and going (and not to be confused with the porn practice of "Ass to Mouth").

The XRCO is the most democratic of the adult awards shows and, I am sad to say, my vote was not cajoled out of me by Sasha Grey (Mainstream Media Darling), Bobbi Starr (Superslut), Belladonna, Teagan (Cumback), or Julia Ann (MILF of the Year). Maybe next year...

Had there been an "Orgasmic Nasalist" award, we are certain she would have won that, too. Belladonna is just that good.

· XRCO (xrco.com)

"Not The Bradys XXX" really hit the jackpot when they decided to cast Teagan Presley as Marcia in their sequel, "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia." Not only that, the fact that this was the last film in which Teagan shot boy-girl scenes practically makes it a collector's item. Never again will we see another cock pass through those lovely lips while some stud hangs onto her long silky blond ponytail. But what a send-off! Evan Stone as a rock star in royal blue polyester. It kinda doesn't get any better than that. We're wiping a tear off our collective cheek.

· Buy "Not The Bradys XXX: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" (thebradysxxx.com)

*****

Previously: The Second Time's A Charm: "Not The Bradys: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

Not that we're surprised that they went above and beyond. Since when is enough ever really enough for these geniuses? Clearly, never. Ever. Period.

Which is why this title starts out with two of the sexiest bitches the adult industry has ever seen just flat out going at each other. Jenna Haze looks so amazing we can barely sit still while looking at our monitor, especially when you put her right next to luscious young Teagan... with both of their asses and nectar-glistened slits pouting out at us ever so temptingly. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but these shots are worth a million glazed eyes, dumbfounded and looking on in speechless wonder.

Saucy Teagan takes the sweetest fucking next. Why do all these shots leave us feeling like we were there with this sexy girl next door, convincing her to get dirty when there really just isn't time in the day for it? Every shot screams afternoon delight.

When it comes to man meat, Brianna Love and Gianna like double servings. Both ladies ski slalom with perfect balance, allowing several of their holes to simultaneously give and receive unimaginable pleasure to the happy man whores servicing them. Gianna's hefty jugs jog freely around as she slobbers lovingly on a rigid man pole, her partner uttering convincing moans of satisfaction—and again, we wish we were next up.

And how many times can we say it? We will never, ever, ever get tired of watching young Jenny Hendrix take a hard cock in any hole she pleases. Her curvy ass and petulant pout only make us want to grudge fuck her into next year.

"Teagan Video Nasty" releases next week from Digital Playground. Odds are you'll soon own a copy—but for now check out this great sneak peek gallery. Just remember your copyright laws and behave.

· All images courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

And, of course, just because she's not doing boy-girl anymore, that doesn't mean she's left us entirely. What else is Teagan up to these days? Take a listen and find out.

Somewhat fittingly, AdultBluReview leaps into the world of girl-girl with a recap of "Roller Dollz"—and with Gianna Lynn and Teagan Presley reenacting some of the saucy bits (and having their first kiss!).

We like the direction that these porny porn reviews are going... maybe the reviews themselves will eventually turn into full-fledged porn movies, which can then be reviewed by Teagan and Gianna, which can then be reviewed by Teagan and Gianna, which can then—well, you get the idea.

· Roller Dollz (adultblureview.com)

Straight from the red carpet of the AVN Awards, here our some of our favorite (and not so favorite) fashion choices. We'll let you decide which is which.

· AVN Awards (avnawards.com)

XCritic adored the parody plot and the luscious Teagan Presley, Buckton and Morgan were less than impressed. But at least there's one thing we can all agree on: a lot of ladies get their eyes came on... and there ain't nothin' wrong with that.

· New This Week: Not The Bradys XXX: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! (X-PLAY/HUSTLER) (popporn.com)

Scouring the nation for the best and brightest of all the promiscuous young girls this fair land has to offer, Digital Playground once again settles for a handful of horny gals right in their own backyard—including several contract girls—in their impending release, "Jack's Teen America 22." Still, since the aforementioned sexpots happen to include Jenny Hendrix, Annette Schwartz, Sasha Grey, Teagan Presley, and Adriana Lynn, you won't hear us complaining much.

Although, for teenagers, they sure know a lot about sex. We've got to be honest.

So, maybe the casting selection for "Teen America" is a little rigged. So what? Watching delicious and low calorie Jenny Hendrix's gorgeous ass raised high and gaping is like hearing a klaxon ring out freedom's desperate cry. Her nether regions are that beautiful. Add to that the very succulent Sasha Gray, irresistible Teagan taking the A train straight to our hearts, and anything (and we mean anything) Adriana Lynn, and you have another exceptional volume in this tried and true series.

"Jack's Teen America 22" drops this week from Digital Playground. All images courtesy of Digital Playground so please behave.

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.cm)

Despite some casting changes (most notably, Teagan Presley replacing Hillary Scott as Marcia), "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" manages to hold on to much of what made the first "Not The Bradys" work so well: it is, quite literally, like watching an episode of "The Brady Bunch," only with a whole lot of sex. Campy humor and silly puns abound, the kids get into various scrapes, Marcia idolizes a rock star, and the whole family comes together to sing in a contest. Oh, and there are many, many sex scenes, almost all of which manage to be tied into the "plot," if somewhat tenuously.

Attentive Fleshbot readers may remember that, back in July, Teagan Presley retired from boy-girl hardcore scenes. "Not The Bradys XXX:" was shot mere months before that announcement, making it among Teagan's last boy-girl scenes. So there you have it: not only is this good porn, it's also a significant piece of pornorabilia. Like you need more reason to buy it?

· Not The Bradys XXX (bradysxxx.com)

We hope Katsuni knows that deep down, she is not the only Sexual Freak. Seriously, look around—Teagan is a Sexual Freak. Shay Jordan is a Sexual Freak, Sophia Santi is a Sexual Freak. Stoya, Audrey Bitoni, Lacie Heart—all Sexual Freaks. Wouldn’t it be nice if they could all get together and just feel normal? Can’t you imagine Digital Playground’s new line of films, starting with "Jesse Jane(TM): Well-Adjusted Secure Girl" (a celeste punt)?

· Digital Playground (www.DigitalPlayground.com)
· Buy "Sexual Freak 10 - Katsuni" (gamelink.com)

. . .

· AdultBluReview.com (adultblureview.com)

The biggest American adult industry event prior to January's AVN Expo, the "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge" premiere attracted most of the movie's stars including Jesse Jane, Katsuni, Stoya, the sylphlike Riley Steele, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, and David Aaron Clark, seen here with Jandi Lin, whose process in his pivotal whore-negotiating scene involved eating two turkey legs.

"I was there for two days of shooting," he said.

The premiere marks the midpoint of "Pirates"-related marketing and publicity, coming more than three years after the debut of its predecessor's first press release and three years before the collected weight of all its publicity efforts will sink the Pacific Rim (which, considering the analingus involved in this movie, would have made a good subtitle).

The only porn stars to arrive dressed like pirates were the swashbuckling Nicki Hunter and Tommy Gunn, the Stagnetti of the title, who wore his evil glass eye.

"I wasn't in the movie much," he said. "But I'm hoping for a Supporting Actor nomination," Gunn said.

"But you were the title character," we observed. Hollywood is so unfair.

Former Digital Playground contract performer Teagan prowled the red carpet for XBiz which, like rival AVN, now features video interviews. If only Sophia Santi and Janine had been there, it would have been a "Pirates" reunion.

Other porn luminaries in attendance were publicity magnet Kayden Kross, Aiden Starr, Bobbi Starr (no relation), Ringo Starr (not actually there), Satine Phoenix, Jenna Haze, and Sasha Grey, who came dressed as Sasha Grey.

As usual, Ange Venus, who plays the inscrutable Katsuni's henchwoman in the movie, attracted most of the attention on the red carpet, wearing almost nothing but her hair. Katsuni by comparison dressed very elegantly. It was as if Venus was going to the MTV Awards and Katsuni to the Golden Globes.

This reporter spent so much time outside that he did not get in on the free bar in the lobby, but by then the movie was starting. The crowd cheered as the first popshot broke over Shay Jordan's prow. We'll give you a review of the movie, that may or may not include the blurb Belladonna is salad tosseriffic!, soon.

- Photos by DCypher



• "Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge" (official site @ piratesthemovie.com)
• Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
• Order: "Pirates II: Stagnett's Revenge" (Adult DVD Empire)

Join us after the gap for more Popshots, in which we show porn stars not as the world sees them but how they really are.

. . .

Elson and Sascha—America's hardest-working male German porn performer!—discuss an issue common to every couple: Whither creampie?

Across town, tiny Destiny dons a kabuki mask and a strap-on (read my article in September's Atlantic Monthly: Rejected Kiss Army Accessories) for David Aaron Clark's "Asia Noir 6."

The striking Coco Velvett slowly melted into that couch for the next 45 minutes as Destiny turned into a demon.

In posh Bel-Air, bite-sized Teagan modeled her new breasts for photographer Holly Randall. "They actually bunce when I run," said Teagan.

Meanwhile, Roxy DeVille says, "Hello, Fleshbot Readers!"

"People would tell me about your ass, Teagan, " said the towering DeVille, "but I really had to see it to believe it. Oh My Fucking God."