Foot massagers! Motörhead shirts! Wearable bongs! If these don't say "erotic" to you, you probably still need porn stars for stimulation.

All right. Erotica L.A. had those, too, in its three-day consumer fleshly bazaar at the L.A. Convention Center. But for those of us with more refined libidos, there was also a booth selling Egyptian cotton sheets. And if you need to ask how those are erotic, you've never jerked off to Lemmy Kilmister.

The delightful Ryder Skye has had a cupcake batter-like substance (at least that's what I'd do) dumped on her in an attempt to strike a mold of her frame for the purpose of at-home mounting. As you can see from the photograph, the mixture was lovingly applied; there was probably a soprano saxophonist nearby, blowing slow over dusky rhythms.

Lana Croft, whom last we saw in these virtual pages being mesmerized by Ange Venus and some Asian sirens, is back in a wet and wild adventure from the serene David Aaron Clark, who subtitled his latest movie "Mr. Hentai's Super-Funtime Asian Pool Party." (Never mind that Clark has never been an Asian a day in his life.) We asked what the movie would be about when he was planning it. "There will be a pool there, that's all I know." he said. "Then the magic will happen."

The kids, they grow up so fast these days: it seems like just yesterday that we were attending our very first Rated X Panty Party and watching gaggles of barely legal naked hipsters and assorted celebutantes and hot tranny messes scamper toplessly (and sometimes bottomlessly!) around Don Hill's and various downtown bars. And now here they all are five years later, all grown up and ... uh, still running around Don Hill's without their clothes on and doing all sorts of things they'd never be seen doing in the light of day. (It's OK though; we haven't grown up much in the last five years either.)

Relive the magic all over again for the very first time with an exclusive photogallery of this weekend's festivities by the very debonair Nikola Tamindzic after the jump.

This year's XRCO (X-Rated Critics Organization) Awards were a departure from the genuinely directionless world of porn awards shows in that they started pretty close to when they should have and, halfway through, people were still sitting down to watch.

Of course, being an adult awards show, there was much more going on everywhere but the stage. Still, we made sure to watch now and then, seeing as how we're voters. See our gallery (now fully captioned!) after the gap.

When last we spoke, Hillary Scott was nowhere to be found among the "Not the Bradys" family, having been replaced by Teagan Presley (who had herself been replaced by Stoya as a Digital Playground contract performer, but that's another story). So we looked to the skies to find Hillary Scott ... and there she was, on a roof in downtown Los Angeles freezing her parts off as she filmed her next movie, "Icon."

Exxxotica Miami: The Five-Minute Version

Hanging over the set of "Not the Bradys XXX 2" (yes, if there can be an "Agent Cody Banks 2," there can be a "Not the Bradys XXX 2") was the pregnant question "Where's Marcia, Marcia, Marcia?" You see, back in Ought-7, Hillary Scott originated that role in the first "Not the Bradys XXX." But contractual obligations conspired to take Scott away from the series to replace her with former Digital Playground star Teagan Presley. What? You're saying this means nothing to you and that you're more concerned about who will replace John Travolta in the remake of "Dallas"? Well, Hillary's absence is big news here, anyway. Read more after the gap.

K. Belo Bikinis: Is It Summer Yet?