Fem Slave 2

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Aiden Starr, Sasha Knox

Review by: Gram Ponante

Director Mike Ramone, my former editor at AVN, has carved an interesting niche as the director of the "Slave" series, a high-concept day in the life of a group of Masters and slaves, Dommes, Dominants, and submissives that collectively provide the grimmest porn version of this highly ritualized, rule-based lifestyle.

In "Fem Slave 02," we follow evil pixie (she is 4'11") Aiden Starr through her dungeon as she takes fleshy, pink, and vulnerable Sasha Knox through her paces.

Rarely on Planet Earth is there a D/s pairing so attractive as Starr and Knox, and credibility slips a notch further with the relentless gloominess, updated Village People costuming (Starr is both a bottomless nun and a bottomless cop), and Cenobite-friendly soundtrack, but Ramone and Co., once we've suspended our disbelief as expertly as Starr does Knox, deliver an exquisite film about two delicious women playing at power exchange.

Knox spends her nights naked and enclosed in what looks like a giant hanging tea ball. In previous segments of the "Slave" series, audiences got a very intimate view of the proceedings, with just two people on screen. In "Fem Slave 2," the picture is opened up, so we catch glimpses of Starr's support personnel and, occasionally, the flailing feet of another hapless subbie.

One such leather-masked assistant lowers Knox in the teaball for the night's activities, such as getting fucked with a huge black dildo, performing analingus, getting tied up and hung up, penetrated with various objects, and repeatedly reaffirming her worthlessness.

Harsh stuff, and relentless in emphasizing the dynamic over the sex, but the world of the movie (and others in the "Slave" series) is pure and uncomplicated, which is just what those people need.

Starr is a dominatrix when she is not moonlighting in porn or watching SyFy, and Knox recently came out of porn retirement after her stint on "My Bare Lady" and the lonely world of clerical temping. Office work has made her vulnerable, and she, also, is perfectly cast.

While Ramone's days as an editor are over, however, I must take issue with his misspelling of "wont" in the title cards. In the rulebound world of lifestyle BDSM, bitches get slapped for typos.

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"Ejacula 2" is just as inscrutable as the first, but damn did porn have money back then. Shot in Europe with an all-star cast including the young Rocco Siffredi and the even-then-only-allowed-to-work-with-his-shirt-on Ron Jeremy, "Ejacula 2" follows the uneven acting of several careless guests, a couple of vampire hunters, Lynn LeMay, and a coven of vampires on one wild weekend featuring, as the boxcover says, "an outdoor BJ" and "ass eating."

This movie symbolizes porn excess in that no one cared if the acting or story or camera work was good as long as the women became naked. Since the women do (in a 14-person orgy scene, no less), to find fault with what is now a cultural artifact seems like elder abuse.

Tonisha Mills and Lynn LeMay look lovely as always, and Ron Jeremy overacts to perfection.

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Ava Rose and girlfriends go on a birthday adventure to Raven Castle, whispered to have been the home of a legendary vampiress. In flashbacks, we see dark, lush beauty Audrey Bitoni working her evil. Back in the present day, however, the party girls are having visions and finding clues hinting at the castle's bloodthirsty former inhabitants.

The reason "Vampiress" is worth watching is because the sex is candlelit and bodice-rippy, performed by dusky hippy beauties like Rose, Bitoni, Gianna Lynn, Raveness, and Amber Rayne (with the blonde Alexis Texas thrown in as a ringer).

But it is almost Eon McKai-level bad with mind-numbing dialogue and cougar vampire Raveness (from 1472, no less), bouncing between bad period dialogue and lines like "Work that fuckin' pussy, baby." The nail in the coffin is when we get to hear director Marcus London's stage directions ("Ava, turn your head this way"). In a way, "Vampiress" is comforting in that porn can still look the way people who've never seen porn think it does, based on everything they've heard.

Sadly, I did not see the boom mic.

I have had this movie on my To Do list since last year's Halloween Week collection, and am surprised it is still available for purchase. Like a vampiress, "Vampiress" should only be seen at night.

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Black Devil Doll

Studio: Lowest Common Denominator
Director: Shawn Lewis
Cast: Heather Murphy, Natasha Talonz, Precious Cox, Erika Branich, Christina Svendesn, Martin Boone

I first wrote about "Black Devil Doll" about 35 years ago when the relentlessly marketed neo-blaxploitation flick was but a trailer. Now that it has escaped an All White Jury for release in its full glory, I'm here to say that "Black Devil Doll" is a very special film that offers only happiness.

Re-animated in puppet form the moment of his state-sponsored electrocution, Cracker bitch fucking/murdering Mubia Abul-Jama (yes, I know) falls in love with sassy Heather Honeydew Boone.

But their post-mortem honeymoon can't last. "I'm a man, bitch," says Black Devil Doll. "I need to get into some Strange."

Heather goes off to McDonald's after inviting her four sassy girlfriends over. Mubia deals with each according to his needs.

Mubia's joy in doing what he does and the game giddiness with which each of the cast members plays her part in this perfect period piece made me wish I was 14 and watching this Russ Meyer-meets-Tom Savini intimate ass-and-splatter epic for the first time.

Porn parodists can learn a lot from this movie. It was made on a small budget with a limited cast, yet there is a clear story and an actual ending (sort of). In the meantime it is the most deliciously scatalogical, violent, misogynist, racist, and titillating movie you will see this year or, probably, ever.

What might Andrea Dworkin or Ossie Davis have to say about this movie? One shudders to think. It's hard to encourage someone not inclined to do so to take something like this in a spirit of fun. But "Black Devil Doll" is silly above all things, and it was a muthafuckin' joy to watch, bitch.

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The Devil in Miss Jones

Studio: VCX
Director: Gerard Damiano
Cast: Georgina Spelvin, Claire Lumiere, Erica Haven, John Clemens, Harry Reams, Gerard Damiano (As Albert Gork)

Review by: Gram Ponante

This deluxe edition contains two versions of the film plus a lengthy interview with star Georgina Spelvin. Having never seen the movie (nor have I seen "Deep Throat," "Behind the Green Door," or "Debbie Does Dallas"), I also knew nothing about it, and was impressed by Spelvin's acting as well as the story.

But not the sex. I watched the hardcore version (because life is short) and can't imagine how the softcore version could be softer.

Plain Jane Justine Jones, a spinster, is a suicide. She takes one last look from her apartment window onto the New York City of 1973, retires to a bathtub, and slashes her wrists.

She finds herself in the office of Mr. Abaca, who fumblingly tells her that, since her "accident," she is no longer a candidate for heaven, where her otherwise pristine and virginal life would have sent her - had she not committed suicide.

"I've done nothing to warrant this," she says. "If I could do it again, I would live a life filled, engulfed, consumed with lust."

Mr. Abaca, in the middle of a slow day, gives her her wish.

Justine meets The Teacher (Harry Reams) who must strip her of her inhibitions prior to her return to the mortal world. After inserting an eensy plug into her anus (it was a simpler time), she gives him a blowjob and then, demonstrating a passive aggressiveness that would make me send her to Hell if I ran things, asks that he fuck her but then gets squeamish about how big he is.

"Will you - be gentle?" she asks.

"No," The Teacher says.

So Miss Jones learns the ways of the flesh with the Teacher, who sends her a few other partners to round out her education.

The idea that Jones must earn Hell through a series of acts that today's average porn actress performs once an afternoon is daunting, and by contemporary standards we look at what she's doing as pretty wholesome, sex positive, and liberated.

I expected that Jones, shown how her frigidity kept her from living a worthwhile life, would be sent back to New York to be a sex blogger or something. But she really is only granted a small reprieve from her eternal destination, and when she finally gets there she meets what might very well be the male version of her mortal self, played by Gerard Damiano.

This movie holds up well. We believe Miss Jones and we regret that a little anal sex with Harry Reams dooms her for eternity. Had she just not committed suicide, Miss Jones would have been assured buttloads of anal sex in heaven.

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Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes 3

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Ashley Blue, Tobey Pacific, Armani St. James, Missy Stone, Dirty Harry, Melissa Juliana, Missy Monroe, Kylie Ireland, dozens more

Review by: Gram Ponante

"She had the intellect of a seagull," Powers says of Armani St. James, one of several women who endured a porn scene—which she was informed about and which she signed off on—but who nevertheless had every embarrassing instance of self-doubt immortalized and repackaged for this DVD.

No amount of sweeps week special reports, Showtime documentaries, "Pornutopia"s, or "Real Sex"es convey an aspect of the porn world's inner workings better than a single slipshod Behind the Scenes featurette on a Jim Powers video. A seemingly calm eye of the storm, Powers nevertheless attracts and exploits such volatile elements for his movies, including the "American Bukkake," "White Trash Whore," and "The Violation Of..." series, that there is more than enough fodder for the hypnotizing trainwreck that are his "Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes" movies.

Though this episode could have used some pruning, Powers still proves an excellent Master of Ceremonies for backstage fights, attacks of nerves and, in one horrifying sequence, spraylets of diarrhea.

"Is it too much to ask to not eat a Whopper before a scene?" he asks.

You may think that Powers and crew are misanthropes preying on the drug-abusing and poorly-educated short-timers in the adult business, those upon whom every stereotype is based. And that could be true. But it is also true that Powers is working in porn and isn't in control of your mortgage. That should help you sleep better.

There is also the Powers take on why performers do what they do and why they are who they are. On tattoos:

"I feel that tattoos cheapen the whore. When a girl gets tattoos on herself, you can no longer suspend disbelief and believe this little slut is an innocent little girl. Instead, she looks like a Philadelphia biker slag."

Unless you get off on uncomfortable situations (like, say, if you masturbate to Larry David), you will not find this collection sexy, though there is plenty of nudity, fluids, and the old in-out.

You will instead find in one convenient package a real understanding—with thoughtful narration—about why porn might not be for everyone and how, at the end of a harrowing scene, the tears and vomit of a performer might be the very things that market the movie.

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Sammy leans back on the scummy bed, ready for the camera man's onslaught.

"How old are you?" he asks.

"How old do you want me to be?" she asks.

They repeat this like nine times. Finally he says:

"Are you 25?" (we sure hope not).

"Something like that," she says.

Horrible things ensue and then, as he's driving her back to her corner, she says, "You don't even know about freaky shit."

And it's true. We don't.

This is an amazing video that takes me back to a time when adults were scary. From Sammy we go to Brandi and from there it just gets worse. But I couldn't stop watching. And what is usually a let-down in POV videos, the voice of the camera operator, is here the only lifeline to sanity.

He deftly interviews these women while they're blowing him and thereby gets all the squalid details. It is less a sex tape than a series of transactions. I suppose it could be viewed as sad, but there are so many other things going on than anyone's happiness that I couldn't be sure.

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Slave 01

At first, all we hear above the Blackness is the dragging of a chain, as if Marley's Ghost has returned to the attic of the Cenobites. We are filled with unease. Master Eric wakes at 8 a.m. in his Porn Valley home and, without pausing to dress, wash, or gargle, pads downstairs to the hall closet, whip in hand, where a bound Moxxie has been placed for safekeeping.

This is "Slave 01," a feel-good snapshot of suburban domination and submission, using easy-to-find household products.

Maddron would look good no matter what she was wearing or not wearing, but here she is dolled up in bondage drag with eye mask, hoop earrings, and handcuffs. Eric relaxes some of these restraints so that she may give him a percussive blowjob in the downstairs bathroom.

"There's a good fucking little whore," says Eric.

Already director Ramone, a former editor of adult trade industry magazine AVN, is subverting our idea of the D/s relationship: Who would've imagined carpeting?

Then Eric bids Maddron lick the toilet. If this is what happens before 9 a.m., we can imagine what will happen by suppertime.

And indeed the day is broken into time-stamped title cards. At noon is a dildo session on the granite countertop, and at 4 we are told that "slave" (always in minuscule) will get the privilege of feasting on Master's asshole. Unfortunately, 4 p.m. is naptime for us, so we skipped that part.

We return at 7 to see that slave is to offer her "filthy, smelly pussy" to Master and are further told that it is irrelevant if she gets any pleasure from it. Yet there she is stimulating herself as he fucks her. Sneaky slave! No sequel for you!

Something happens at 10 p.m. that will make you reconsider what the Lions Club was cooking the hot dogs in at that Motocross event last summer.

Finally, at midnight, slave is placed back in her closet. We wonder what she ate or if she voided her bowels or returned e-mails at all during the day. It is not ours to know.

If the depredations visited upon Maddron in "Slave 01" are not your style, if you do not like the "filthy whore" school of pornography, then this movie is not for you. There is nothing lighthearted about it. But if you find the idea of lifestyle BDSM, with its rules, rigging, and rigidity the slightest bit compelling, then this movie is a straightforward, thoughtful, and rulebound effort.

(For example, we don't see Swiss' face until the end, and the camera always lingers on Maddron after every interlude as Swiss leaves her alone, perhaps to reflect on how good she's got it.)

And if not compelling, then at the least campy. The title cards could have used some editing, but Ramone is a director now and can't cater to the whims of reviewers. The bits of interstitial text seem like great alternate directions for a bachelorette party or Easter Egg Hunt.

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Eric Swiss, Moxxie Maddron

Review by: Gram Ponante

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Or, you know what, maybe they do. In this vignette from Rodney Moore's "Vampires," Luxx first finds herself in the enviable position of having to service jailhouse alpha female Jamie Tyler, a willowy contrast to Luxx's pneumatic juiciness, and then it turns out that Tyler is a vampire minion of Lee Stone, who shows up and renders Luxx all floppy.

Decidedly low-budget (but at the same time made with evident love), the scene features a split screen blowjob which I found fascinating. I found myself rooting for Luxx to get to the goal first.

Say what you will about profiling of any kind by our nation's police, but it doesn't appear as though Luxx' jailhouse experience left her with any scars save the ones on her throat.

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Les Vampyres

As you know, the last two horror films set in northern California were John Carpenter's The Fog and Corey Haim's The Lost Boys. So I was half giddy with excitement about James Avalon's AVN-sweeping 2000 movie Les Vampyres.

Castrated men are washing ashore along the scenic Pacific Coast Highway. None of them is John Houseman's Mr. Machen. In the opening scene of Les Vampyres (the only porn movie ever to name-check Peter Ueberroth), we watch as a three-way goes horribly wrong for a poor fellow who finds his junk bitten off by two women he probably thought were his friends

After the credits roll, we meet earnest couple Jenny and Clint (Jewel Valmont and Joel Lawrence), celebrating his job promotion by spending the weekend at a cozy resort. They bump into the uber-creepy Veronika (Syren), Victoria, and Vivian, two-thirds of whom we just saw biting some poor dude's cock off (the poor dude was played by Brick Majors, Brian Surewood's brother). The trio invites the couple to dinner, and they accept.

But back in the room the couple change their minds and decide to order room service instead.

"She had a strange aura about her," Jenny confides. "She made me feel ... different."

Not to worry. Victoria and Vivian are out looking for man-flesh, and boy do they find some, luring a hapless voyeur into some cock-biting.

Veronica has her heart set on Jenny, but Clint, like me, thinks Veronica's loopy.

"But I'm drawn to her," says Jenny. "It's a ... longing."

Meanwhile, now les vampyres have offed a doofus cop who alone was on to their shenanigans. But Clint is also suspicious. Unfortunately, like the other dubious men in the movie, his reservations are not strong enough to resist their temptations, in Clint's case, a sexy vampyre in the shower.

When Veronika finally gets Jenny alone, she informs the quivering blonde of her secret past. And when Jenny is hip to her own supernatural resume, it's curtains for Clint.

Avalon was and is a talented director who makes his stars look their best. While Syren doubtless did the best she could, it is painful to hear her deliver lines. As if anticipating this, a lot of the incidental male parts are just as hokey. Les Vampyres is a very juicy and cable-ready horror porn that holds up well lo these eight years.

Studio: Metro
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Syren, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, Wendi Knight, Brick Majors, Violet Luv, Jack Hammer, Samantha, Brandon Iron, Nick Orleans

Review by: Gram Ponante

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Asia Noir 6: Evil Sex Trap!

Trent (Mr. Marcus) wakes up in his own body, uncertain of who he is. He sees only the slick suit, the police badge, and the sidearm. He's in a bad part of Los Angeles, the kind where dreams don't come true, and he's getting drunk-dialed by a mostly incoherent Oriental Black Widow (Ange Venus), who beckons the amnesiac into her evil sex trap warehouse.

Her evil sex trap warehouse, I add, where things aren't as they seem. Sex is happening there. Black men on Asian women sex (Dick James and Lana Violet). And does Mr. Marcus start having flashbacks? Does he know, now, why he's here?

Asia Noir 6, like the best low-budget porn movies, succeeds because it follows certain rules and does not stray from its own economy. For example, most of the important dialogue is in voiceover, which Marcus delivers convincingly, a late-night DJ mixed with a dude you don't want to mess with.

The noir aspect is also not overwhelming. Director David Aaron Clark realizes that the audience has to see (please tell this to Wicked Pictures), so the noir is more in the mood and the skin tone of the performers than in the lighting.

In the evil sex trap warehouse, Marcus stumbles on a sexual encounter. His LAPD instincts returning, he mostly watches. But when it looks as if things will get ugly for the Destiny, he acts. But the girl disappears, and now Marcus has murdered Dick James.

Meanwhile, Ange Venus continues her cryptic phone calls. Myself, I would have fled, but Marcus is dogged and patient. He continues patrolling the evil sex trap warehouse until he finds Coco Velvett, who is a secretary "down the hall." Spookily, Velvett's hair is down on one floor and up on the next. Ange Venus' dialogue coach must have been handling the continuity.

Velvett fills Marcus in on what goes on in the building. There's an Import/Export business on this floor and a porn studio, Velvett whispers, in the basement. Marcus gets himself down there fast, where he meets Myla Montez, who doesn't have to try too hard to seduce him.

I am not making excuses here, but the awkward readings of heightened dialogue by some of the actresses gently nudges the overall creepiness of the movie. It is rare that bad line readings in a serious porn movie actually work. But here they serve to increase Marcus' -pardon the pun- disorientation. When working with a limited budget, any tool in the shed is helpful.

Upstairs, a frightened Velvett has dreams about Marcus, even as he works on Montez below (so "below" is Marcus' work on Montez that she doesn't take her shirt off). But girls keep disappearing after they've been serviced by black men in this movie, and Montez vanishes.

Marcus gets dressed and finds Velvett being throttled by Destiny, a strap-on succubus. He's not a very good cop. Must call William Bratton and tell him that there's a homicide detective in L.A. letting nice girls get strapped by ghosts.

Destiny, Montez, and Venus are, you see, an evil ghostly trinity bent on vengeance for a crime Trent committed in the conscious world.

When Trent finally figures it out, things have gone irretrievably creepy, and it is too late. He discovers the part he has played, and why he is at least partly responsible for the events. Of course, the vindictive spirits might have forgiven him, but vengeance is a bitch.

Studio: Metro
Director: David Aaron Clark
Cast: Ange Venus, Mr. Marcus, Coco Velvett, Destiny, Lana Violet, Myla Montez, Dick James

Review by: Gram Ponante

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On the Hustler list are such notable titles as "Vampirass," "Ghouls Gone Wild," "Ejacula," "Ejacula 2" (for those who didn't get enough the first time), "Blood Lake," and—for an extra thrill!— "This Ain't The Munsters." All fine selections, indeed—but in case you're going for a weekend long pornathon, here are some other flicks to throw in to your collection:

Re-Penetrator: Joanna Angel stars as a reanimated hooker who just can't get enough cock. Zombiecore, anyone?

Porn of the Dead: Directed by Rob Rotten, this feature (also in the zombiecore genre) features Hillary Scott, Sierra Sinn, and an all death metal soundtrack. Because it's not Halloween without zombies and death metal.

The XXXorcist: Another horror gem from the Burning Angel crew. Horny priests, inappropriately placed crucifixes, and, of course, a naked Joanna Angel. Need we say more?

Slaughter Disc: A horror film first and a porno film second, this feature delves into the darker side of adult entertainment. Perhaps best saved for after you've gotten off.

Night of the Giving Head: This feature wins on title alone. And because it features Caroline Pierce, Rucca Page, Kylee Reese, Claire Dames, Nikki Rhodes, Samantha Sin, and Amber Rayne.

Have we forgotten any of your favorites? Add them to the list!

· Top Five Halloween Pornos (hustlerworld.com)
· Thumbnail star Elle (punkgalleries.com)

The Taunting

Slutty goth and/or emo college students with no respect for the dead break into a monastery and its adjacent cemetery, stirring up a creepy naked ghost. But is it a good creepy naked ghost or a bad creepy naked ghost?

Director/co-writer Zenova Braeden and producer/co-writer Bob Johnson put together an atmospheric and at times genuinely spooky movie that has no lack of fleshy, fetishy sex throughout. One of the best things that can be said about a movie is, "Well I suppose it's plausible..." And this one is!

As the interlopers make their way through the building, they are tailed by Lystra, channeling every recent Japanese horror spirit in her erratic movements, uncombed hair, and her tendency to pop up in unexpected places.

Lystra as "The Ghost" seems to infect her prey with visions of all manner of BDSM sex until the couple, too, fall prey to it. It isn't made entirely clear why the ghost has this mission, but ours is not to question a good thing. So Yes, Gilligan, she is a good, good ghost.

Studio: Spice Studios
Director: Zenova Braeden
Cast: Amanda Emino, Regan Reese, Daphne Rosen, Krissy Kage, Cassidy Blue, Katja Kassin, Pia Kaamos, Anna Mills, Nikki Vega, Kaiya Lynn, Gianna, Kitty, Lystra

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Spice Studios (spicestudios.com)
· Buy "The Taunting" (gamelink.com)

Ejacula

Shot in a castle somewhere in Europe with a German and Italian crew, Ejacula details the exploits Ejacula (Patricia Kennedy) and her consort (Rocco Siffredi) and their faithful hunchback as they have sex parties, chow down on delightful, fleshy Tonisha Mills, and somehow move through the sunlight without burning to a crisp.

The plot doesn't make too much sense but it also doesn't get in the way, and Method Man Ron Jeremy acts up a storm.

The real discovery for this smitten viewer is Mills, who suddenly de-Springerized the name "Tonisha" for me.

Studio: VCA
Director: Max Bellocchio
Cast: Tonisha Mills, Lynn Lemay, Patricia Kennedy, Caroline Monroe, Lois Ayers, Beatrice Sall, Vivian, Elizabeth, Allesandra, Ron Jeremy, Rocco Siffredi

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Ejacula" (tlavideo.com)

Vampirass

With a title like Vampirass, I was surprised Suspiriass didn't show up a week later. But what do I know?

I decided to transcribe Rick Blaine's script:

Darkness

SFX: Single wolf HOWL over RAINDROPS

CUT TO:

INT. RICHMAN REAL ESTATE OFFICE

NIKKI RICHMAN is on the phone.

NIKKI
I don't care. I want that listing. Got it?

NIKKI hangs up and immediately begins masturbating. When she is done, the phone rings

SFX: Phone RINGS

NIKKI
Yes, I am the agent for the Delmonico Estate. What a coincidence. I was just thinking about the former owners.

CUT TO:

INT. Delmonico Estate

This video (shot in 1993, it's actually a video on DVD) is filled with pleasant associations. Bright VHS-style lighting, pubic hair, the type of dialogue and editing that will forever be associated with porn movies, and - something I haven't seen before - a sequence where the camera cuts to a guy's face as he says "Ahhh! Lick it off your lips!" and then cuts to the woman's face and holds for two seconds before he comes. It was as if his dialogue actually came later but was inserted before the cumshot by mistake. Fun!

Vampirass is really, really bad. But you know how things have devolved to the point that people say, "It's not 'so bad it's good' bad but actually bad"? Well, this movie fits into that Can't Stop the Music category of So Bad It's Good. I have a feeling that everyone who made the movie (and everyone who subsequently watched it lo these past 15 years) was high.

Especially a woman named Madison, who plays a witch in one of the few flashbacks that actually pertains to the plot (the rest are just excuses for sex). Madison can't seem to get the ants off herself. It shouldn't be funny. It is probably tragic. But everything was funny if it happened a decade and a half ago. Remember the L.A. riots? ROFL!

Turns out the woman who once owned the house was Vanessa (Teddi Austin), who abandoned the home under mysterious circumstances (we see in a flashback what those were). Now her old friend Nikki (Gail Force) has the home listing ("It's the least I could do for Vanessa" she says - ?) and is showing it to a third old friend (Ashley Dunn), who explains that she got $30 million in a divorce, as well as a mulleted bodyguard.

After touring the home, which includes a visit to a room where "Vanessa did rituals" ("This place gives me the creep," Dunn says) Nikki and Dunn go to work on the bodyguard, as the same wolf sound effect repeats in the background. Always be closing, Nikki!

The girls figure out a way to bring back Vanessa from limbo, but crazy Madison has ripped out a page from the spellbook and Vanessa comes back bearing bad news. Since the ritual wasn't followed to the letter, everyone is a vampire!!!!!!!LOL!

SFX: Wolf howls

INT. BASEMENT DUNGEON

The women look up at the camera and they now have vampire teeth.

FREEZE FRAME

CAPTION: We'll be back

Of course they never were. Vampirass is a fantastically awful movie.

Studio: VCA
Director: Michael Black
Cast: Madison, Gail Force, Ashley Dunn, Teddi Austin, Brandi Blaxxx, Tom Chapman, Ted Wilson, Don Fernando, Cameo

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Vampirassto" (gamelink.com)

Night of the Giving Head

A security guard (Christian) responds to a call at a hilltop house. Getting no response to his knock, he enters and looks around. No one appears home. Suddenly, a dozen topless female zombies (led by Zombie Queen Caroline Pierce) appear and rip off his clothes, shouting "More come! More cock!"

I really don't know why this is supposed to be scary, because I can't recall anything more wonderful.

According to scientists, sperma-rays from a passing comet have infected women to the point that they will sap a man of his most precious bodily fluid, and the only way to neutralize the sperm zombies is to squirt whipped cream in their mouths.

"Let's go fuck them up," says a quartet of zombie hunters sequestered in another part of the house.

This is a ridiculous and delightful porn movie that is light on effects and plot but heavy (sometimes especially heavy) on game women unafraid to walk around like zombies bellowing "More coooooock." It is like the movie every eighth grader wants to make.

Why are all these juicy women shuffling around the house and how did they get there? It just doesn't matter, because once the sperm zombies are dosed with whipped cream, they become very affectionate toward each other. Symbiosis.

As the credits rolled on what I thought was a blissfully short movie, I noticed some names, like Amber Rayne's, in the credits that I hadn't seen in the movie. I realized I had a faulty DVD. Tinkering with it yielded the first half of the movie which now acted as a prequel to the part I'd already seen.

In the beginning, we see Rayne as the sperm disease's Patient Zero, and her post=blowjob shuffle across the hills of Chatsworth screaming "More Come! More Cock!" ranks as one of the most vividly realized performances in this awards season.

With a fun surfbilly soundtrack, Night of the Giving Head is great background fare for any over-18 Halloween party.

Studio: Rodney Moore
Director: Rodney Moore
Cast: Caroline Pierce, Rucca Page, Kylee Reese, Claire Dames, Nikki Rhodes, Samantha Sin, Amber Rayne, Rodney Moore, Christian

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Rodney Moore (rodneymoore.com)
· Buy "Night of the Giving Head" (gamelink.com)

This week's WWFRD entry is such a title. Your job today is to view the actual title and creatively soften it (the first step is to remove the too-easy "#2") for consumption by people who think the original might have gone too far. And you are further challenged to do it with one entry, much as we were wowed by last week's winner.(Though feel free to tell your friends about it.)

· Hush Hush Entertainment (hush-hushentertainment.com)
· See the Real Title (if you dare) (gamelink.com)