Fleshbot: straight, the ass

Uniformed Euro-Sluts And Where They're Taking It

Gram Ponante — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:00:00 EST

Here's what we know: These sluts wear uniforms, take it in the ass, and there are six of them. I don't know what else you expected from "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass."

I am loving the Europorn lately because there is a refreshing lack of anyone saying "Muah" in it.

Not only that, but "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass" also really speaks to what I'm thinking now. High-heeled baton-licking prison guard? Recently on my mind. Cowgirl? Check. Nurse? Always.

But Readers, it's not so much the uniforms as the fact they are dispatched with, or at least folds of which parted, to allow access. And not just to the ass, but everywhere.

Again, I can't understand what everyone is saying, but I don't need to now that I know that, somewhere in the world, "6 Sluts in Uniform Take It Up the Ass."

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"OverStuffed 9": What To Do With Your Bat In The Postseason

Gram Ponante — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:30:01 EDT

To call it "charming" would be a stretch (literally) , but the exertions of the women in "Overstuffed 9," as we watch them fit bigger and bigger objects into themselves, is at the very least plucky.

Studio: JM
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Allison Pierce, Kendra Secrets, Anjanette Astoria, Noname Jane, Anita Blue

Review by: Gram Ponante

There is a filter over the opening credits of Jim Powers' Big Things In Small Places movie "Overstuffed 9" that makes it look as if the camera lens is spotted with blood and something brown that we'll call dirt.

But then, you never can tell with Powers movies, because "Overstuffed 9" turns out to be as sunny as it is horrifying, because five bright and cheerful women seem to have a great time stuffing things inside themselves that might divert a mighty Western river.

First is Allison Pierce, who is seen tottering down a Porn Valley road in need of a ride. Luckily Powers and minion Johnny Thrust are right there to help. Pierce stumbles into the back seat, where she finds a pile of oversized sex toys. Eventually, of course, she asks (and is not commanded) to use them, which she does.

The sight of Pierce strenuously vaginally inhaling a window-mounted dildo while San Fernando Valley traffic goes by is glorious.

Then we meet the delicious petit-MILF Noname Jane, basking by the pool. At one point she uses her foot to hammer a dildo into herself. She is an American Original.

In a movie like this one, sometimes a consumer feels a little safer when there is a hint of plot. The next scene features Anita Blue devising a way to "stretch (my) ass out for Big Willie when he comes back from Iraq." Cue a baseball bat in the ass.

Anjanette Astoria and Kendra Secrets fill up the rear (literally), but by that time this reviewer was on his way to Sport Chalet.

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"Puckered Up": Remembrance of Things Assed

Gram Ponante — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:30:01 EDT

"Puckered Up" is an anal game show, but no one goes home empty-assed. In fact, about the only thing that doesn't make its way up the netherest part of Amber Rayne is a $25,000 pyramid.

Puckered Up: The Anal Game Show

Studio: Hustler
Director: Richard de Montfort
Cast: Sasha Grey, Amber Rayne, Trinity Post, Maxi, Michelle Avanti, Missy Stone, Daisy Strong

Review by: Gram Ponante

The setup is simple: five women compete for bragging rights in an anal match game that would even impress Charles Nelson Reilly. So if you like really clinical closeups of anuses that are as well maintained as they are capacitous (sometimes, as you may unfortunately know, the two don't always go hand in hand), this is the movie for you.

For the rest of us, well, any chance to watch Amber Rayne work is worth the effort of not being the biggest fan of graphic studies of the movie's hole of choice. But the scholar appreciates it the way one might not like opera but sure thinks those valkyries are hot.

Rayne performs her party tricks with verve and abandon, setting a standard almost impossible for Michelle Avanti, Trinity Post, and covergirl Sasha Grey to follow. Trinity Post is adorable in her scene, and Grey's greenroom tryst with Daisy Strong is, if not the best work either has done, at least postmodern.

Speaking of postmodern, "Puckered Up" is probably the final movie of the late Richard de Montfort's to be released, though it was shot at various times over the past few years, as we can tell by the presence of Michelle Avanti, who left the adult business last year to become an anti-porn crusader. Her scene with a man whose dick looks like a full bladder is almost painful to watch, as she is clearly on (or off) her meds and because he has the habit of repeating "That's nasty."

"Puckered Up," in terms of its game show theme, is a little scattershot, but for hardcore browneye fans this movie is a goldmine.

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Alexis Texas Is (Still) Buttwoman

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Normally at this time of year, Elegant Angel shocks and awes us all with the announcement of the next porn performer to be crowned with the title of Buttwoman. This year they've decided to forgo the passing of the butt-on.

Yes, following in the footsteps of Tianna, Alexis Texas will serve as Buttwoman for a full two years, starring in this fall's "Buttwoman Returns"—a feature focusing entirely on Alexis and her posterial charms. We wish her well...and look forward to celebrating her reign for yet another year.

· Elegant Angel (elegantangel.com)

"Donkey Booty": Not To Be Confused With "Don Quixote"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:30:01 EDT

Boy, I'll never make that mistake again. But it got me to wondering: why would a woman appreciate having her ass be compared to a sterile odd-toed ungulate? I needed to watch the movie to define the term in context.

But it didn't happen. Apparently a donkey booty is a big one that you oil and then stick your face in. It could possibly be related to a badonkadonk, upon which the same processes are performed, but I just don't know.

One day porn movies will be delivered to me with a glossary, but the dire times prevent such extravagances.

I'll bust out "Nice donkey booty" on someone tonight and will let you know what happens.

Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Ass Rod Anal Training Kit

Gram Ponante — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:30:01 EDT

When this collection of anus wideners arrived here at Fleshbot West, we didn't know whether to stick them up our collectives asses or mount our stage production of "2001: An Anal Odyssey of Ass."

The smallest of these monolithic and semi-hard "ass rods" (which also happens to be what we call L.A.'s Parking Enforcement personnel) is 5.5" long and 2.5" around. The folks at Rascal are not messing around. That the largest of the three is almost twice that size scared the shit out of us (good thing, too, because we needed the room).

The SensaFirm material is spongy, turgid, and heavy, yielding just enough to provide both entrant and penetrated a real sense of accomplishment, probably like John Holmes did in his flaccid years.

Because there were no instructions provided with the items, we wondered what the recommended time frame of graduation from the smallest rod to the 9.5" x 4.75" brickbat was. Until Christmas? The year 2525? We have already petitioned our Member of Congress to declare that day Gaping Day.

The rods are waterproof (though that should be the least of your worries) and would also make excellent upgrades for the foam bats at your next couples' counseling session.

As this video will make clear, my bid to become the Ass Rod spokesmodel was rejected.

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Her Ass Belongs To Igor

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 11:45:00 EDT

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"Evil Anal 8" Is Truly, Deeply Good

Gram Ponante — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 11:30:01 EDT

Fresh-faced and bubbly Maya Hills seems so corn-fed and wholesome that the things happening in her very back yard are difficult to comprehend.

The dashing Manuel Ferrara likes them all: skinny ones, thick ones, Czech ones, scary ones. But in his "Evil Anal 8" he seems to go for the juicy Hills while leaving the rest to other dudes.

But couldn't there be another adjective to modify "Anal" to make it less judgmental and exclusionary? Connoisseurs and aficionados of anal sex need to get out of their ghetto and accept that what they are doing is not only easy and fun but noble, beautiful, and a way to maintain virginity.

Sorry to mix metaphors, but I place the blame for the demonization of the anus squarely on the shoulders of the pro-Vagina lobby.

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Evil Angel Invites Us To Get Caught In Their Newest "Ass Trap"

DCypher — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:00:00 EST

Evil Angel stable director John Leslie brings the sweet, curvy, cockhungry bottoms of Corina Jayden, Asa Akira, Faith Leon, Jayden Jaymes, and Mika all the heat they need in this blistering sequel to "Ass Trap."

Not too shabby for a snowed in, working from home, the economy is in the toilet Monday, is it?

Leslie takes his asscentric series up several notches, exploring a minutia of minor details that pump life into the fetish. The movie features tag teams, ferocious double penetrations, and ball scorching one-on-one sex, all filed under the label "bootylicious," and kept true to the genre by playing it all close to the source of the buzz, with junk in the trunk shots abounding, and clever angles that showcase the gloriously jiggling heart shaped rump.

There's a lot of delicious teasing as well: long intros that you can skip through or linger in, depending on your mood, and tons and tons of crazy hard sex. Faith Leon—who we'd been dearly missing—is certainly welcome addition to the cast. Her scene is, as always, fuck poetry in motion. Still, it's Jayden James who takes the title with her ample cheeks mesmerizing and charming the fluids joyously out of us.

"Ass Trap 2" releases this week from Evil Angel.

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What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? I See A Darkness Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:30:01 EST

"We have looked into the anus, and it is us," someone once said. While the font of Evil Angel's "Deep Anal Abyss 2" doesn't impart the despair Adrianna Nicole must be feeling, I'd Camus her.

Fleshbot Readers, your answers to last week's contest were so thoughtful that we thought we'd resurrect another chestnut from sophomore year in high school that re-emerged meaning something totally different freshman year in college: "The Stranger."

While all porn (aside from "Naked Happy Girls") reveals a darkness, please create for this week a porn title that would make a Galois-smoking, coffee-rank, beturtlenecked and Algiers-lounging existentialist proud.

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What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Put The Needle On The Record Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 12:30:01 EST

While prefixing anything with the word "cyber-" makes us giggle like when our granddad warned about "smoking drugs," this movie inspires nostalgia for the days when we would suffix fortune cookie aphorisms with ".com."

"Cyber Sluts," you see, are sluts who have an Internet presence.

Hasn't an Internet presence been one of the three defining qualities of a slut since at least 2001, along with a bar tab and a pubococcygeal tattoo?

Regardless, your task this week is to strain every last sinew like last week's winner by coming up with a title that might have seemed hip in 1996 but which now makes viewers think you're offering something delightfully retro but aren't, actually. Maybe Lenny Kravitz will finally win one this week!

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And One From Behind

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 13:15:00 EST

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Lily Allen Hits Us With Her Ass Shot

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 10:30:00 EST

First there were Lily Allen's boobs, now we've got her bum. Soon we'll be able to construct an entire naked Lily Allen... in our minds. (Or maybe even with computers! They can do that, right?)

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Shake That Ass!

Lux Alptraum — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 15:00:00 EST

The world has taken so much from us: our youth, our health, our optimistic outlook—but they'll never take young girls shaking their asses on YouTube. (And if they try, we've got a gun.).

Fleshbot Birthday Babes(TM): Alexis Texas

pweasels — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:30:01 EST

We tried to find an event that happened on this date in Lone Star State history that would be funny to pair with Alexis Texas’ birthday, which is today, but nothing presented itself.

On January 28, 1754, Horace Walpole coined the term serendipity, which means finding something you’re not looking for but which you nonetheless need. Whenever you go looking for Alexis Texas, though, you get exactly what you were looking for.

Also, the first locomotive ran from the Atlantic to the Pacific on the Panama Railway on this day in 1855. But its caboose was nowhere near as impressive.

Bio data courtesy of the Internet Adult Film Database

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Your Moment Of Bliss With Alexis Texas

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:00:00 EST

We often find ourselves less than impressed with tube site clips' titles (particularly when they're laden with spelling errors)—but whoever went with "Doesn't Get Much Better Than Alexis Texas' Perfect Ass" was spot on.

Really, we could try to add to that by telling you that seeing Alexis engaged in coitus is pretty awesome, too; or that Alexis with a cum-covered face is quite a pretty picture—but you know what? It really doesn't get much better than Alexis Texas' perfect ass. And we're just going to have to go with that.

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Afterburn

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:45:00 EST

Photo by Christine Kessler (myfetishdiary.com, via ponyxpress.wordpress.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Sleight of Ass Edition

Gram Ponante — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 12:30:01 EST

We meet at a quickie trade paperback celebrity book-signing ("Dana Plato's Posthumous Carb Diary"), you ask if I'd like to give you a creampie, then you show me your ass. I think: Amateur.

Everybody—even Conrad Bain—knows that a creampie is vaginal by default unless it is specifically labeled an anal creampie. Why Jenavieve Jolie invites all comers to deposit a creampie by showing her (all right, it's adorable) ass is a mystery.

Fleshbot readers, your job this week is to Bend It like Bento by giving us a true story of being offered one thing but shown another in a case of sexual three-card-monte.

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Marital Aid Test Kitchen: TitanMen Wreckd’em Butt Plug

Gram Ponante — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 13:30:01 EST

Like a feel-good underdog sports team movie filled with plucky go-getters who dream big, the anus is resilient. Still, you don't want to throw the TitanMen Wreckd’em Butt Plug in there too fast.

This device is so thick that Doc (not a real doctor) Johnson couldn't send Hi Res images, lest our mail program shed a single tear before saying "This Inbox is Exit Only."

“The Last Word in Anal Authority,” the Wreckd’em™ is a seven-inch anal probe with a ribbed shaft of varying circumference – seven inches on the peaks and five-and-a-half inches in the valleys.

These circumferential variances resulted in a spew of New Testament shout outs for our test subject, who cried "Jesus CHRIST" at the peaks and "(johnthebaptist)" in the valleys.

Either way, after you're done with this butt plug, there's no turning the other cheek.

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What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Ass-perger's Edition

Gram Ponante — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:00:00 EST

This movie dutifully answers the question "How many nurses take it up the ass?" But my question for you, Dear Readers, is "Must we go through that forward ass to get to the remaining five?"

Actually that isn't my question, but I do like the idea of what Brahe called "the portal ass."

No, my question has to do with the admirable specificity of the title, an autistoid need to make clear that there are six of them, this is how they're dressed, and this is what happens to them.

So your task is to rise to the occasion like the final winner of 2008 and supply a fourth element to the formula: what happens after they take it up the ass? Be ridiculously specific.

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