Consider the best porn movies which are, let's say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation's open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at RealTouch.com, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch's North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black's mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori's hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

"I just stood there," one test subject said. "It really did all the work for me."

One drawback of the RealTouch is that it is not yet Mac compatible. So I farmed out the job of testing the device and its web interface to three PC users. Top of the list of my review criteria was not to tell me how weird it was.

"Look," I said. "We know it's weird."

Initial web setup and login to the RealTouch account were simple, followed by a Windows Media-based software download that was considerably less difficult than a WordPress install. Our review model made a whirring sound and one subject was tentative about making a penile approach to it.

"I didn't know if I'd come back," he said.

But they were Heroes, and each on different occasions tried videos with Tera Patrick, Ashlynn Brooke, Tori Black, Bree Olson, and Jenna Jameson, noting that Bree used up a lot of lube.

The belts work in conjunction with heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a simple adjustably tight seal (but haptics don't care how big you are). Is one hole different from the other? The belts squeeze tighter and the coils heat hotter when you're in Bree's ass.

Cleaning, refilling, and transporting this machine require, as you'd imagine, a commitment, but not one our test subjects, each either happily married or otherwise partnered, minded ("but watch out for leaks," one said).

What I find fascinating about the RealTouch is that someone in Charlotte was focusing as intently on Jenna Jameson or Lisa Ann (or dozens of other actresses) as you would be, dropping coder's keystrokes in anticipation of your eventual loads.

So, even though masturbation is a personal experience, the RealTouch proves that it takes a village to jerk you off.

· RealTouch (realtouch.com)

And we mean dog in the most literal sense: think "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" gone XXX. "Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie" (currently in post-production) is billing itself as a "mass-market hardcore dog movie;" the tale of a young Labrador who goes into heat for the first time, then runs away to the city to avoid getting spayed (sexual adventures—including dog girl-on-girl—ensue).

And Marilyn's not the only big name included in the cast—Dustin Diamond, Tera Patrick, Evan Seinfeld, and (of course) Ron Jeremy all lend their talents to this tale of a dog fuck dog world.

We're not really sure when (or where) this movie will be screening, but if it happens to appear at a theater near you, please go see it and let us know what you think. We'll be sure to do the same.

· "Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie" (porndogsthemovie.com)
· "Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie" (imdb.com)
· Porndogs: A Preview (avn.com)
· Thumbnail: Marilyn Chambers with canine counterpart Sadie (avn.com)

Why, nothing short of Andrew Blake's "5 Stars," a breathtaking collection of some of Blake's most memorable scenes, starring some of the most memorable women ever to fuck on film. Aria Giovanni, Janine Lindemulder, Sasha Grey, Tera Patrick, and Dita Von Teese are the "five stars" in question: and in case that collection of leading ladies isn't enough to put you in a stupor, the cast of co-stars includes Anita Blond, Regina Hall, Justine Joli, Dahlia Grey, Nina Kornikova, Kelle Marie, Kim Wilde, Faith Leon, Temptress, Sierra, Victoria, Julia Ann, Claire Adams and Paula Price.

We don't know about you, but we think we'll be calling in sick the minute we get our hands on a copy of this masterpiece.

· Andrew Blake (andrewblake.com)

At least, that's what we assume she'll be doing. In the DVD—distributed by Watch It Now Entertainment, the people who brought you "Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease"—Tera combines "yoga, Pilates and Kama Sutra to create the perfect fitness program for a sound body and revved-up sex drive." It's being billed as part workout tape, part sex positions guide—but we have a sad suspicion that it's all clothed. Doesn't Tera know that naked yoga is what gets us in the mood?

· Fit 4 Sex Workout with Tera Patrick (metacafe.com)
· Tera Gets 'Fit 4 Sex' with Carmen Electra Vid-Makers (avn.com)
· Thumbnail: Sex Goddess Tera Patrick (sxx.com)

In the spirit of hope, and change, and biraciality, we're celebrating the dawn of 2009 the best way we know how: with a slew of multiracial pornstars. As women who come from complicated heritages, they're perfectly poised to lead us into the future and—who knows?—maybe even change the face of porn.

. . .

Courtney Page (18yearsold.com)

Roxy Jezel

Velvet Rose (wannawatch.com)

Alexis Silver

Maya Hills

Mei Kasahara

Katsuni

Jayna Oso

Tera Patrick

*****

Previously: Fleshbot Requests Archive

Sure, they might have the best name for their music group—how can you beat Pajamaband?—but other naked pioneers have paved the way for them, including:

Savanna Samson: The pornstar cum vintner also recorded an album. Who knew you could pack so much talent into one person?

Clara Morgane: The best part of Clara Morgane's music career? She was also her very own video vixen.

Tera Patrick: Okay, it was more a one-off gig than an actual singing career, but when Tera Patrick does anything, we sit up and take notice.

Keeley Hazell: The lad mag model has already conquered our hearts, minds, and, uh, other parts, so it only makes sense that she attempted to conquer the music world as well.

Joanna Angel: And, last but most certainly not least, our very own Supreme Commandress recorded a little ditty called "Rock 'n Roll In My Butthole," which was featured on the soundtrack of a porn epic of the same name.

· Porno Babes Form A Band! (hustlerworld.com)
· Thumbnail star: Rockin' Lana Lopez (penthouse.com, via Ask Jolene)

10. Taylor Rain

9. Sunny Leone

8. Belladonna

7. Brittney Skye

6. Eva Angelina

5. Mary Carey

4. Briana Banks

3. Jesse Jane

2. Jenna Haze

1. Tera Patrick

· Fame Registry (fameregistry.com)

If our extensive experience in this area has taught us one thing, it's that we can't bring this many lascivious porn stars together without them eventually fucking each other senseless. And, as we'd expect, Tera Patrick, Daisy Marie, Daisy Dukes, Madison Scott, Kayla Paige, Angie Savage, Mya Luanna, Charmane Star, Lexi Belle, Maya Gates, Shawna Lenee, and several of their friends do exactly that, stripping out of their bikinis and lapping away at each other like kittens enjoying seventeen fresh bowls of cream. The results are disturbingly good, making us feel as immoral and decadent as an AIG executive with a golden parachute after the bail out. Move over, Hef—Tera wants to show you what the grotto should look like every single day of the week.

If anything, Tera's given us hope in a way that even our President Elect can only allude to. While most of us will have to tighten our belts this holiday season, finding pleasure in the simple joys of life, we can always look forward to history repeating itself. Our eyes are glassy after watching these lovely ladies work themselves into a frenzy, dreaming of a time when we will once again be able to blaze up our medical grade hydroponic with freshly minted hundred dollar bills. In fact, with ideas this good, we're thinking Tera for Prez 2012. You with us?

"Tera Patrick’s Pool Party" is available this week.

· Teravision (teravision.com)

Tera Patrick and her rockstar pimp husband Spyder get down and grungy together, but they also have scenes with other people—which, we must say, are pretty great. Some of the highlights: Tera gets drilled by Tommy Gunn while Spyder Jones services his model perfect blond friend; sapphic sweetheart Angie Savage takes a wild ride on the stiff prick of her rocker ex-hubby (a rare treat to catch given her aversion to boy-girl scenes); Sasha Grey turns out another amazing performance (as always), as do Nikki Benz, Jayna Oso, Paola Rey, Tiffany Taylor, Ava Lauren, Katrina Kat, Selena Draagon, Lexie Marie, Regan Reese, and Bobbie Eden (we're tired just typing that!).

Our only complaint, if we're going to be totally honest, is that there isn’t enough Tera in it for us. Seriously, if you’re going call something "Tera Patrick Superstar," shouldn’t she star in more than two scenes? Still, we'll take what we can get—and eagerly wait for whatever our favorite porn Queen offers up next.

Tera Patrick Superstar releases this week from Teravision.

· Teravision (teravision.com)

Actually. we’re not sure exactly what Ed contributes to "Tera Goes Gonzo"; we were too bust watching Tera and her costars to analyze things too much. But one thing is clear: with a supporting cast that includes Nautica Thorn, Daisy Marie, Roxy DeVille, Gianna Lynn, Kelle Marie, and Stefani Morgan, we’re more than willing to endure whatever other support staff Tera decided to hire to get things done.

In other news, we hear that TeraVision has also leased out the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Geneva and will harness its awesome power to travel back to 1982 and make a real proto-gonzo video. In the meantime, however, "Tera Goes Gonzo" hits the shelves later this month..

• Tera Patrick (all things Tera @ terapatrick.com)
• Order: "Tera Goes Gonzo" (adultdvdempire.com)

. . .

• "The Sex Offenders" (Teravision) (adultdvdempire.com)
• Tera Trailers (teratrailers.com)

. . .

· Evan Seinfeld Tera Patrick RTA PSA (youtube.com)
· "Tera Patrick, Evan Seinfeld Featured in New RTA Public Service Announcement" (avn.com)

· Chickipedia (chickipedia.com, via buzzfeed.com)

· Rock Star Pimp (rockstarpimp.com, via Naked City)

In case WeTV isn't in your cable package, catch some excerpts —including Gina's take on living in a pornstar household with husband and fellow performer Travis Knight; another about the rise of Teravision; Nicki's amazing porn comeback after a bout with leukemia; and Buck's story on making waves in the porn industry as its first FTM transsexual performer—after the jump.

.- - -

Gina and Travis in Bed

. . .

The Birth of Teravision

. . .

Nicki Hunter Back at Work

. . .

Buck Angel on Buck Angel

- - -

· Watch for the show in reruns on WeTV: "Secret Lives of Women: Pornstars" (wetv.com)