Luckily, it does resemble porn in some important ways. For one: she's naked. Also: she's masturbating in a deliciously bubbly tub. As a matter of fact (spoiler alert!), she gets nailed in the following scene. But not in the good way. Someone busts in with a nailgun. It's a slasher film.

· "The Toolbox Murders" (1978) (imdb.com)
· The Toolbox Murders (celebcap.net)

Wearing glasses doesn't make you a nerd. What, we're supposed to believe that you got that way from reading books? Or playing video games? Ridiculous. You know what makes people go blind? Masturbation. People with glasses may or may not be nerds, it's about a 50-50 chance. However, there's a good chance that a person with glasses is a chronic masturbator.

· Sexy Nerd, Hot Orgasm! (xtube.com)

Not sure what we're talking about? Never you fear: we've arranged for a special tutorial with the help of our lovely friend. Give her a minute, and she'll make it all perfectly clear.

· water orgasm in bathtub (xtube.com)

(And if you haven't done your own daily salute to this greatest of all states...may we suggest you join Dakoda in her devotionals?)

· Buy "Masturbation Nation #2" (gamelink.com)

In fact, the combination is so potent, we're a bit surprised it's even legal. Though if anyone ever decides to outlaw this simple pleasure, well—that's the day we move to Canada, damn it.

· dirty nasty ginger teen fucks herself with a toothbrush (xtube.com)

Jenna doesn't even need a costar to have onscreen chemistry—even by herself, she knows how to make the magic happen. And we, her loyal fans, are left solely to melt at her feet, babbling in overstimulated, erotic confusion.

· Buy "Nymphetamine: Solamente 2" (adultdvdtalk.com)

Our latest objet d'amour is Lilith; and it seems we aren't the only ones taken with her charms. Adam happens to love her too (and, thankfully, he loves to share). With her coy smile, cute tattoos and lingerie Lilith had our heart at, "This is my first video." We're betting it won't take long for her to win you over, too.

· Adam loves Lilith (xtube.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

Yes, leaving behind the hustle and bustle would be great if we could have Peach by our side (especially if she wore outfits like this one all the time).

· Buy "Screen Dreams 3" (gamelink.com)

Forget what the song says about diamonds—fruits and vegetables are way more helpful for a girl in need. Just ask our new friend right here: we doubt a diamond ring would make her anywhere near this happy.

· hot blonde masturbates with a banana (xtube.com)

We're pretty sure we don't have to try too hard to convince you all of the inherent truth of that statement. But just in case you need a refresher, or would like to spend some quality time with some girls and their best friends, we've rounded up a few of our favorite amateurs—and their favorite toys—to put on a little show. Enjoy, and remember: friends don't let friends go to bed without coming.

Caroline's pink vibrator (xtube.com)

I love eating pussy! (xtube.com)

Hot vibrator fucking (megaporn.com)

Hot Couple with Vibrators, toys, licking and fucking (xtube.com)

Lesbians new toy (megaporn.com)

Doin' It on the Balcony in My Bikini (yuvutu.com)

Japanese Contortionist (megaporn.com)

erotic couple (yuvutu.com)

waterbed fun (xtube.com)

Anal Masturbation to Orgasm (xtube.com)

*****

Previously: Top Ten Video Archive

Of course, no confession is complete without some sort of followup, right? Since Capri's looking so cute, we think we'll skip the Hail Marys and the Our Fathers, and go straight to the heavy duty devotionals. Capri, we'd like to see you do a complete series of Hail Hitachis, followed up by a round of Our Squirtings. Think you can handle it?

Of course you can.

And if you, the people, are feeling like doing a little "confessing" yourselves, click the Little Mutt link below and learn all about Capri (and get some extra special bonus photos of her, to boot!).

· "Confessions" (littlemutt.com)

Given that fisting is already a varsity level sex act, and that giving one's self the old reach around requires an intense amount of flexibility (or at least really good positioning)... well, this girl deserves a gold medal. Or a blue ribbon. Or at least an extensive amount of praise and video views. Who's with us?

· Self fisting blondie (pornhub.com)

Natural curves blend with natural light in these nine scenes, none of which involves temptation but each of which is decidedly intimate. Healthy Aussies masturbate themselves or each other for as long as it takes to get the job done. After all, "Abby Winters" guarantees real orgasms - or she'll refund your money herself!

Each of the scenes is a highlight for fans of low-key, no-nonsense porn from people who look content to be there, but standouts are the Meg White-lookalike covergirl Krystin, two scenes of Lou-Ellyn (one of which features her masturbating to a Nick Cave poster), and a split screen phone sex interlude between Ren and Shaminee.

I know that naming porn movies is difficult, and that "Dirtpipe Milkshakes" is already taken, but I'd even take "Gulpilil's Private Stash" over "Intimate Temptations."

. . .

· Abby Winters (abbywinters.com)
· Buy "Intimate Temptations" (gamelink.com)

. . .

Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

A collection of vignettes previously released on the web, "Extreme Holly Goes Solo" is an interesting document of solo porn culture, the type of low-overhead material shot in areas of the country (Arizona, Nevada, Florida) where the condos are redolent of tanning spray and the talent all have strong legs (they are dancers) and vocal fry from hustling lap dances. It occupies a venerated place in my heart, because I think: when I was in college, people like Extreme Sophia would have had her hands full slinging dollar beers but today she has a duplex and expensive boobs.

With chapter titles like "Fucking a Sponge," the movie isn't Belladonna/Bridgette Kerkove-level extreme. Instead, Sophia is reminiscent of Memphis Monroe and Kayden Kross in her blonde and well-proportioned wholesomeness. Of course she's only fucking a sponge. Similarly she fucks a hairbrush and a Barbie knockoff. Would that she'd also fuck my Griffin iCurve! Now that would be extreme. Especially if I was using it at the time...

After a distracting hair-color change (the movie's scenes were shot over a few months), Sophia inserts plastic cutlery into herself. Still not so extreme that she wouldn't be welcome at the GawkerMedia family picnic, which is good, because I'd be uncomfortable if she was the attention-seeking type.

Anyway, it turns out the duplex was not the same as the one in which I'd met Kiara Marie. The walls were different, as were the railings. I guess I'd become engrossed with the carpeting.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Extreme Sophia Goes Solo" (gamelink.com)

To that end, the site is populated with "thuggish urban hoochies, reprobate young bar girls" and "eager college cupcakes," so while Treynor wants to seduce you with words, he's hedging his online buffet with exotic take-out from Brad Koerner's AsianXXXContent catalog, monthly titles from Hustler's "Asian Fever" line. and four Asian niche VOD theatres operated by AEBN ... plus his own exclusive spicy content starring theexclusive model Mai and all the interactive bells and whistles you could hope for. Don't say we didn't warn you, though, if you just end up being hungry again an hour later. - JC

· Lavender Tabby (membership previews @ lavendertabby.com)

· "homemade blonde masturbates" (Megarotic)

* * * * *

Previously: Flesh Flicks Archives

· D A Photography (daportraits.com)