Fleshbot: straight, scary

A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized...

Violet Blue — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 10:40:28 EDT

A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe even a ram dildo to beat him with (in an unpleasant way, of course). Hey, sheep are people too! (freep.com, thumbnail by yuridojc @ flickr.com)

Naked Clown Calendar Is Like A Pie In The Face

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 12:20:09 EDT

We've long expressed concerns that the cottage industry of naked fundraising calendars had gotten a bit out of hand. Now we see that this international nightmare has reached its logical but frightening conclusion: naked clowns. The students of San Francisco's Clown Conservatory Class (yes, it's a real place) have put together a nude 2009 calendar to raise money for multiple sclerosis research. We like naked calendars and, sure, we appreciate a good clown porn setup. And we can certainly support such a worthy cause. But somehow naked clown students with facepaint intact has reignited our childhood fear of the circus. Maybe some naked juggling would help calm us down?

· The Naked Clown Calendar (nakedclowncalendar.com)
· "Naked clown calendar — now that's scary" (contracostatimes.com)

"Hey There Vagina": Singing Pussy Is No Laughing Matter

Violet Blue — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 10:46:46 EDT

Some might look at "Hey There Vagina" — a parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" that's been making the video sharing rounds lately — and merely giggle and shrug in a "those crazy kids!" kind of way. But when you're as cracked out on chocolate dick hats and pussy gravy as we are, it becomes a perfect storm of a whole new kind of vulva-tastic Goatse goodness. Because when we're all alone at night wandering the darkened halls of Fleshbot Central, singing about monkey pussy is one thing ... but having visions of vaginal football excretions performed to lo-fi acoustic songs about cooters reaches a new level of porn-flavored hell. You've been warned.

. . .

· Hey There Vagina (Monkey Version @ youporn.com - thanks Eddie!)
· Hey There Vagina (slideshow version @ youporn.com)
· Hey There Vagina (original parody/non-explicit version @ youtube.com)

Police in Quebec are investigating the death...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 10:28:17 EST

Police in Quebec are investigating the death of a woman who had a heart attack during some "out of the ordinary" sexual activity. One woman's "ordinary" is another woman's "freak fest", but we'll just leave it as a reminder to always play safe. (cbc.ca - thanks J)

Is the world ready for a porn flick directed...

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:59:36 EST

Is the world ready for a porn flick directed by David Beckham and Snoop Dogg? And could such an endeavor possibly top "Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style"? (Could anything?) (nme.com, amazon.com)

Calling Dr. Love (To Please Euthanize Us): The "Gene Simmons Sex Tape"

Gram Ponante — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:20:23 EST

Maybe we and Terry Gross are not the ideal demographic for the just-now released "Gene Simmons Sex Tape", featuring a man who appears to be the KISS bassist atop an Austrian energy drink spokesmodel. But as personally repellant as many find Simmons, we can't help but thank him for leaving his goddamn shirt on.

· "Alleged Gene Simmons Sex Tape Released" (avn.com)
· "Rock Icon Gene Simmons Stars in Sex Tape?" (xbiz.com)

Update: After the jump, view some clips from the ten minute video: in one, Alleged Gene Simmons puts on a condom before entering his lady friend, who then refuses to kiss him. The reader may draw his or her own conclusions as to what that all means.

. . .

See also:
· Gene's Secret (genesecret.com)
· Gene Simmons and Terry Gross Interview (NPR transcript @ rof.net)

OK, so many of you might not find this clip...

Jonnobot — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 12:26:04 EST

OK, so many of you might not find this clip as sexy as a lot of the stuff we usually post ... but if someone sent you a link to something they described as a "Maury look-a-like sex video", tell us you wouldn't be at least a little curious to check it out. (And look at it this way, it could have been a lot worse: at least it's not a Geraldo lookalike sex video we're inflicting on you.) (Megarotic - thanks [?] Blakeley)

A man in England had to be rescued by firefighters...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 13:02:08 EST

A man in England had to be rescued by firefighters who had to remove a metal ring from his penis with a ... um ... er ... mini hand grinder. A moment of silence, please. (bbc.co.uk)

By the way, threatening to cut off your husband's...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 12:09:29 EDT

By the way, threatening to cut off your husband's penis is grounds for divorce in Taiwan. But it's still considered very polite to give him fair warning anyway. (int.iol.co.za)

Add another pitfall to the list of complications...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 18:28:30 EDT

Add another pitfall to the list of complications that arise from having a threesome with a girlfriend and co-worker—stabbing that co-worker in the back (literally) when you can't get it up. At least try the Viagra before resorting to murder. (thesun.co.uk)

A new Russian youth movement is encouraging...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:02:08 EDT

A new Russian youth movement is encouraging kids to bone like crazy in order to solve the country's dwindling population problem/build a new fascist Red Army. Good, because we were just thinking the other day about how much fun the Cold War used to be. (dailymail.co.uk, via Jezebel)

Pity poor Tara Reid, who's not only had...

Fleshbot — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 14:30:25 EDT

Pity poor Tara Reid, who's not only had her saggy stomach captured by the paparazzi but immortalized in art as well. Remember those days when everyone was only laughing at the scary-looking boob falling out of her dress? (egotastic.com + prettyontheoutside.typepad.com)

Having an affair is always a risky proposition,...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 10:55:44 EDT

Having an affair is always a risky proposition, but it gets much riskier when your wife is also a forensic scientist with the means and the know-how to run DNA tests on your underwear. Don't these people watch CSI? (detnews.com)

Morning Wood: Wish You Were Here

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 24 May 2007 11:45:17 EDT

· We had a dream last night that we went to the beach and Lucy Pinder, Sophie Howard and Michelle Marsh were all just hanging out in their bikinis. Too bad that could never happen in real life. (latenightpictures.com)

· Finally, the weather is warm enough that college students can hold their weekly sweatshop protests in the nude. No, we don't miss college at all. Why do you ask? (kcbs.com)

· Want to learn more about cougars, the MILF's sexy single sister? Too bad reading about them in a local newspaper kinda lowers the naughtiness factor. (fortwayne.com)

· If Seattle allows nude runs and nude bike rides, they should make provisions for nude swims at the public pool as well. How else are you supposed to train for your nude triathlon? (komotv.com)

· Once that's taken care of Seattle will finally be able to focus on the greatest threat to the city's welfare: freak dancing at high school proms. (No, we don't miss high school either.) (seattleweekly.com)

· Microsoft is working on technology that can identify your name, age, gender and location just by looking at your web browsing history—which doesn't really worry us too much since ours is already beyond all hope of redemption anyway, (newscientisttech.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Vortex Vibrations: Vacuuming Your Way To A Better Orgasm

Fleshbot — Thu, 03 May 2007 14:27:54 EDT

Your daily (or in our case, bimonthly) housecleaning ritual just got a whole lot more interesting with the advent of the Vortex Vibrations, a patent-pending clitoral stimulator that plugs into your vacuum cleaner and promises to bring you to the kind of "faster, better, longer orgasms" than the type you'd get from just getting all the gunk out from underneath your bed or from between your sofa cushions. But don't break out your heavy-duty Oreck XL Pro just yet, ladies: according to the manufacturer, "A small hand held vacuum of 600 watt or less is more than adequate for most women. An 800 watt vacuum has proven satisfying for some, but has been too much suction for other women. A 1200 watt vacuum has been unpleasant to all testers", and may cause your clitoris to disappear into the land of dust bunnies and bread crumbs, never to return. (OK, we added that last part ourselves. Still, you can't be too careful.) Don't miss the short video clip of the device in action, in which a wee balloon is used to stand in for an actual clitoris "in the interest of good taste". Because if there's one thing we'd expect in our $59.99 vacuum cleaner sex toy attachment, it's discretion.

· Vortex Vibrations (vortexvibrations.com - thanks VB)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen: HER Perfect Fit Waterproof, OhMiBod's BodiTalk: Reach Out And Fuck Someone, When Dildos Attack!, Marital Aid Test Kitchen: My First G-Spot Kit, How To: Recycle Your Sex Toys, The NUE: Masturbating Your Way To A Better Tomorrow