A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe even a ram dildo to beat him with (in an unpleasant way, of course). Hey, sheep are people too! (freep.com, thumbnail by yuridojc @ flickr.com)

Naked Clown Calendar Is Like A Pie In The Face

We've long expressed concerns that the cottage industry of naked fundraising calendars had gotten a bit out of hand. Now we see that this international nightmare has reached its logical but frightening conclusion: naked clowns. The students of San Francisco's Clown Conservatory Class (yes, it's a real place) have put together a nude 2009 calendar to raise money for multiple sclerosis research. We like naked calendars and, sure, we appreciate a good clown porn setup. And we can certainly support such a worthy cause. But somehow naked clown students with facepaint intact has reignited our childhood fear of the circus. Maybe some naked juggling would help calm us down? More »

"Hey There Vagina": Singing Pussy Is No Laughing Matter

Some might look at "Hey There Vagina" — a parody of Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" that's been making the video sharing rounds lately — and merely giggle and shrug in a "those crazy kids!" kind of way. But when you're as cracked out on chocolate dick hats and pussy gravy as we are, it becomes a perfect storm of a whole new kind of vulva-tastic Goatse goodness. Because when we're all alone at night wandering the darkened halls of Fleshbot Central, singing about monkey pussy is one thing ... but having visions of vaginal football excretions performed to lo-fi acoustic songs about cooters reaches a new level of porn-flavored hell. You've been warned. More »

Police in Quebec are investigating the death of a woman who had a heart attack during some "out of the ordinary" sexual activity. One woman's "ordinary" is another woman's "freak fest", but we'll just leave it as a reminder to always play safe. (cbc.ca - thanks J)

Is the world ready for a porn flick directed by David Beckham and Snoop Dogg? And could such an endeavor possibly top "Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style"? (Could anything?) (nme.com, amazon.com)

OK, so many of you might not find this clip as sexy as a lot of the stuff we usually post ... but if someone sent you a link to something they described as a "Maury look-a-like sex video", tell us you wouldn't be at least a little curious to check it out. (And look at it this way, it could have been a lot worse: at least it's not a Geraldo lookalike sex video we're inflicting on you.) (Megarotic - thanks [?] Blakeley)

A man in England had to be rescued by firefighters who had to remove a metal ring from his penis with a ... um ... er ... mini hand grinder. A moment of silence, please. (bbc.co.uk)

By the way, threatening to cut off your husband's penis is grounds for divorce in Taiwan. But it's still considered very polite to give him fair warning anyway. (int.iol.co.za)

Add another pitfall to the list of complications that arise from having a threesome with a girlfriend and co-worker—stabbing that co-worker in the back (literally) when you can't get it up. At least try the Viagra before resorting to murder. (thesun.co.uk)

A new Russian youth movement is encouraging kids to bone like crazy in order to solve the country's dwindling population problem/build a new fascist Red Army. Good, because we were just thinking the other day about how much fun the Cold War used to be. (dailymail.co.uk, via Jezebel)

Pity poor Tara Reid, who's not only had her saggy stomach captured by the paparazzi but immortalized in art as well. Remember those days when everyone was only laughing at the scary-looking boob falling out of her dress? (egotastic.com + prettyontheoutside.typepad.com)

Having an affair is always a risky proposition, but it gets much riskier when your wife is also a forensic scientist with the means and the know-how to run DNA tests on your underwear. Don't these people watch CSI? (detnews.com)

Morning Wood: Wish You Were Here

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Vortex Vibrations: Vacuuming Your Way To A Better Orgasm

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