Fleshbot: straight, retro

Learn The Feminine Mystique From "Not The Brady Bunch XXX: Pussy Power"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:00 EST

Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of "Not The Bradys," young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows up at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in Jan's bed, which somehow introduces her to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia's success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of "being good at something" lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol' Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B's bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan's violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven't delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; "much more than a hunch" indeed.

Internet Archaeology Unearths Ancient Adult Advertising

Ottimo Massimo — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 18:00:00 EST

The brilliant scholars of Internet Archaeology put together a collection of pornographic images from the early days of the world wide web. Let's boot up the modem, double-click Netscape Navigator, and wait an hour for the porn to load!

While the collection does contain a few legit porn pics from the early days, most of the files are graphic advertisements, both gif and jpeg. So instead of looking at some late 1990s beaver shots, we thought it'd be a hoot to reminisce about the flashy, alluring, and often disturbing pre-Y2K ads. We have to admit it, we definitely got tricked into clicking some of these.

· XXX Collection (internetarchaeology.org)

Mädchen Amick Is Our "Dream Lover"

Ottimo Massimo — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 10:30:01 EST

So, our Twin Peaks obsession is still going strong. This time, we have footage of Mädchen Amick, who played everyone's favorite waitress, Shelly. And now she's 100% naked. They just don't make movies like this anymore...

In "Dream Lover," Amick plays a manipulative seductress who has her husband committed to a mental hospital. That's not really our scene. Still, we will cherish this moment, and will pretend it's Shelly asking us to take a long shower with her. It doesn't really matter who she's supposed to be, because Mädchen Amick is hot and naked.

· "Dream Lover" (1993) (imdb.com)
· Mädchen Amick :: Dream Lover (deepatseavideos.blogspot.com)

Did Marilyn Jess Make "The Arrangement" For Incest?

Ottimo Massimo — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 18:00:00 EST

Sex with apples, vacuum cleaners, and magnifying glasses: cool. Possible incest with dad: not cool.

The Arrangement

Studio: Cal Vista Classic
Director: Gene Knowland
Cast: Marilyn Jess, Jean-Pierre, Ann Hoover, Jane Baker, Sophie Duflot, Chris Kennedy, Randy Damon

As freaky as we are at Fleshbot, there are some things we're just not down with, and this 1981 French flick definitely approaches some uncomfortable areas. In a vein similar to the "Taboo" series, "The Arrangement" deals with the revenge-cum-Electra complex of Elisa (Marilyn Jess), a young spoiled model who resents her father's girlfriend/maid. She concocts a scheme to prevent her father from marrying the girl, but first she needs help.

With the assistance of Colette, her best friend and look-alike, Elisa sleeps with photographers and bodybuilders, and plans a swinger's party at some fancy pad. The father, the girlfriend, and the secretary (who is also banging dad) all show up to the party and fool around with each other, until a mysterious woman in an afro and sunglasses appears and fucks everyone. The photographer blows her cover saying "No, Elisa! Don't do that to your father!" and the girl runs away. Later, we see Elisa talking to Colette about how everything was ruined, but it's still unclear who seduced daddy.

So how is incest supposed to derail a relationship? Besides the obvious taboo, we can't really tell. Dad's girlfriend doesn't seem to know, as she was missing from the crucial scene of enlightenment. Maybe Elisa was using the situation at home to justify her unnatural lust, or maybe she's an ineffective prankster.

If potential/suggested incest isn't your thing, don't worry, there's plenty of legit vanilla sex in "The Arrangement." It's just as raunchy, dubbed, and full of pubes as you'd expect from VHS porn. My personal favorite scene involves the maid and the dad and a vacuum cleaner. They probably shouldn't use a vortex of plastic to imitate oral sex, but they do anyway. A magnifying glass, apple core, and pool raft also make guest appearances in the list of impromptu sex toys.

This movie offers much, but doesn't fully deliver. If you're looking for a straightforward fuck, you'll find your arousal mired in complicated plot. If you're looking for something to generate incest fantasies (because we're not here to judge), you'll probably be disappointed. Watch "The Arrangement" if you have a thing for Marilyn Jess and bizarre retrofap.

Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar

Ottimo Massimo — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:00:00 EST

Julie Newmar, via Things That Excite Me (thingsthatexciteme.tumblr.com)

For Real? Unpublished Marilyn Monroe Nudie Pics?

Ottimo Massimo — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:30:01 EST

We have our doubts about these supposedly unused "Playboy Pics," but let's just pretend it really is her. It's refreshing to see Marilyn look a little more Norma Jeane, but still be naked.

As much as we'd like to do more research into these photographs, we'd prefer to just believe in the magic of Monroe. It's like our version of the Monroe Doctrine. Except instead of preventing European expansionist ideals from tampering with the Americas, we're preventing reality from disrupting a good, ol' timey wank.

· Marilyn Monroe Unpublished Playboy Pics / Die unveröffentlichten Playboyfotos (nacktfotoparadies.blogspot.com)

Vintage (That Is, Young) Kelly Nichols In "The Toolbox Murders"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:00:00 EST

Thirty-one years before she became a Seasoned Player, Kelly Nichols was feeling herself up for some silly "horror movie." This is one seriously dedicated actress.

Luckily, it does resemble porn in some important ways. For one: she's naked. Also: she's masturbating in a deliciously bubbly tub. As a matter of fact (spoiler alert!), she gets nailed in the following scene. But not in the good way. Someone busts in with a nailgun. It's a slasher film.

· "The Toolbox Murders" (1978) (imdb.com)
· The Toolbox Murders (celebcap.net)

Sherilyn Fenn's Twin Peaks In "Two Moon Junction"

Ottimo Massimo — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:30:01 EST

We were watching "Twin Peaks" the other day, and it rekindled our raging crush on Sherilyn Fenn. Luckily, she was kind enough to star in softcore porn back in 1988. Isn't she generous?

This clip does nothing to satisfy our fantasies about Special Agent Dale Cooper handcuffing her to the bed. But that doesn't matter. All that matters is Sherilyn Fenn, her gorgeous breasts, and the not-so-subtle reference to "Porky's" in this scene.

· "Two Moon Junction (1988)" (imdb.com)
· Clip via Celebcap.net (celebcap.net)

RetroNudity: Neda Arneric In "Shaft In Africa"

Ottimo Massimo — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:30:01 EDT

Once again, Shaft shows us that sticking it to the man is best done by sticking it to the woman.

Also, Neda Arneric's work is impressive in its own way. How many girls are down to be a hostage on the condition that their captor first has sex with them? They'll have to change Stockholm Syndrome to Shaft Syndrome.

· "Shaft In Africa (1973)" (imdb.com)
· Clip via Celebcap.net (celebcap.net)

The Real Sex Bombs of the "Mad Men" Era Gallery

Ottimo Massimo — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:30:01 EDT

Ginger Young, Miss May 1960
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Dianne Danford, Miss November 1961
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Jan Roberts, Miss August 1962
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Judi Monterey, Miss January 1963
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
China Lee, Miss August 1964
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Hedy Scott, Miss June 1965
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Dolly Read, Miss May 1966
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Fran Gerard, Miss March 1967
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era
Dru Hart, Miss September 1968
freeweb.hu

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Jean Bell, Miss October 1969
freeweb.hu

Back to The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era

The Real Sex Bombs Of The "Mad Men" Era

Ottimo Massimo — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:30:01 EDT

Our former comrade/forever hero Violet Blue recently reminded us that one of the reasons "Mad Men" is so fun to watch is because it chronicles the emergence of American sexual independence. Who doesn't love that?

In the process, she also posted some classic (read: before pubic hair showed up) Playboy centerfolds and reminded us of all the good retrofap floating around on the internet. So instead of pawing through your father's garage in search of his nudie stash, why don't you check out what Violet has to offer?

Of course, we also have a few classic nudes that'd give your old man's collection a run for his money. (Did you know that the first Playboy cost 50 cents?) And if you don't feel like roaming for your next meal, we've got some vintage cheesecake right here.

· the real sexbombs of the Mad Men era (tinynibbles.com)
· Thumbnail Star: Hedy Scott, Miss June 1965 (freeweb.hu)

Peeling It Off For The Wallpaper Project

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 10:46:57 EDT

On paper, the idea of standing 75 different women in front of 75 different wallpaper designs created in 75 different years sounds completely silly and maybe even a bit pointless. Once you see the finished product, however, you might say, "Now, I get it! That's neato!" It's still a little bizarre and random, but as an art project it's pretty nifty. Of course, that may just be the part of us that likes seeing 75 women go topless talking, but that part of us always did have a good eye for art.

· The Wallpaper Project (Flickr, via Blography; more @ ruediger-schestag.com)

Savannah (Suze Classics)

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:25:00 EDT

. . .

* * * * *

Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

Pervart: Art Made For, By and Of The Pervs

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:10:48 EDT

If you like art but are bored by paint-by-numbers flower vases and bowls of fruit and pretty pictures of pastures, then maybe you need something a little more, uh ... unique. (And preferably more dirty.) In that case, a blog called Pervart seems like a good place to start. That's how we found this Flickr gallery of remixed porno pictures made super adorable with the addition of things like Space Invaders and our little friend Gizmo. There's more fantastic finds after the jump, even if the site is in need of an update. Man (and woman) cannot live on porno pancakes alone.

. . .

SexBjayjay by GApe Art

Stag Party by Rachel Bradley (rachebradley.net)HO T s YRUP by mickyotooledoodles

· Pervart (pervart.net)
Previously: Design & Cum On Flickr

"Swingtown": Primetime Television Now Overrun With Sexy Bikini-Clad Swingers

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:50:34 EDT

Have you watched the "hit" new show "Swingtown"? It's about how everyone in the 1970s used to do nothing but fuck each other on shag carpeting (and not about the music our grandparents used to listen to during WW2 as we were previously led to believe). Groovy! We didn't see it because we were too busy hooking up a disco ball to our lava lamp, but if the video below is to be trusted, the only costumes available to female members were bikinis. Don't worry though: since it airs on CBS, you can always call your grandmother to see what you missed since she was probably tuned in. If she wasn't listening to big band music at the time, that is.

. . . . .

· Swingtown (cbs.com)
· See also: "Is Swingtown Sexy or Staid?" (Gawker)

Desiree Cousteau In "Randy The Electric Lady": The Original Orgasm Addict?

Jonnobot — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:45:33 EDT

We've been huge fans of porn legend Desiree Cousteau and her appearance as the hapless victim of evil orgasmic research in 1980's "Randy The Electric Lady" ever since ... uh, yesterday when our diode-twiddling colleagues at io9 rescued her from porn obscurity and bought her to our attention. (Hey, can we help it if we were still getting hooked on phonics when the movie was originally released?) In this bonus excerpt from the film, watch in amazement as Desiree-as-Randy is subject to the relentless probings of a proto-FuckingMachine-like device while the divine Juliet "Aunt Peg" Anderson cackles maniacally in the background. It's almost enough for us to track down the torrent file ourselves for the unavailable-on-DVD movie so we can see how the whole thing turns out! (Unless someone out there has a Betamax copy they'd like to lend us?)

. . .

· "Randy" (1980) aka "Randy The Electric Lady" (imdb.com)
· Desiree Cousteau DVDs @ Adult DVD Empire (adultdvdempire.com)
· "The Orgasm That Blew Up A Computer [Very NSFW]" (io9.com)

Blonde Zombies Will Eat Your (Sexy) Brains Out

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:15:53 EDT

It's important to keep a sense of humor in a job like this. Watching people do dirty things day after day after day can get pretty exhausting if you can't find new ways to make it fun and interesting—and "interesting" is certainly one way to describe Blonde Zombies. While not a adult site per se, this kooky blog collects bizarre magazine covers, pulp novels, were-woman comics, Japanese manga, and anything else that's just generally weird or sexy or (preferably) both. ("Betty and Gay" anyone?) Plus, it's written in a language that we don't understand, which just adds to the fun and confusion. Don't ask us to explain much more than that, because if what we've told you doesn't pique your interest even a little bit then maybe you're already too far gone to care.

· Blonde Zombies (blondezombies.com)

Amber Lynn: When Cougars Attack

Jonnobot — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 11:03:26 EST

If the new definition of "cougar" is something along the lines of a MILF who wants to fuck you back, consider veteran pornstress Amber Lynn ready to sharpen her claws and jump back on the pole. Guys that were still zygotes when Lynn was starring out in titles like "Dangerous When Wet" and "Let's Get It On With Amber Lynn" back in 1986 are now considered prey for this 40-something feline. Lynn will kick off her return to the live stage next week at Gold Club Centerfolds in Rancho Cordova. CA. She also has three new DVD titles in the pipe, including Wicked's "The Housewives of Amber Lane" and Tom Byron's "Seasoned Players 4: MILF Superstars" where she's featured with fellow legend Ginger Lynn (no relation).

One busy kitty, Lynn took a moment to stretch out, arch her back and tell Fleshbot, "Being a cougar is perfect for me. I was a cougar the day I set foot in this business." Then she demanded a big dish of milk and wanted us to rub her tummy. - JC

· Clubgirl.net (Amber's booking company @ clubgirl.net)
· Gold Club Centerfolds (goldclubcenterfold.com)
· Amber Lynn Videography (Adult DVD Empire)

Never ones to overlook a marketing opportunity,...

Violet Blue — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 19:08:44 EST

Never ones to overlook a marketing opportunity, there are always minions of (some flavor of) Jesus ready to smack pornstars upside the head with Bibles at the AVN Expo ... and this year is no exception. Here's hoping our dedicated Fleshbot contingent gets all their boobs signed by the fresh-off-the-bus faces from Hookers for Jesus! (vegasblog.latimes.com)

Naked G.I. Joe Babes: Knowing Is Half The Battle

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 12:48:40 EST

Since "Transformers" was such a cinematic tour de force certain to win upwards of 15 or 16 Academy Awards for awesomeness, it's only natural that Hollywood would take more of our precious childhood memories and exploit them: we just learned that G.I. Joe, he of the tribe of little plastic guys we used to bury in the sandbox and catapult across the driveway with firecrackers, is being turned into a live action movie. If that didn't make us ~~sad~~ psyched enough, imagine our glee at finding out that the evil temptress, The Baroness, is being played by the nippletastic Sienna Miller.

It may seem like an odd casting choice, but given Sienna's recent track record and the fact that Baroness was responsible for some of our first pre-adolescent "funny feelings," there's a pretty solid chance that this PG adventure could become a R-rated skinflick. Inspired by this news, we decided to seek out what we assumed would be a wealth of G.I. Joe babe fan art and hardcore fantasy fiction, except ... there isn't any. We know the mythology is a little dude heavy, but you're going to tell us that no one on the web has ever thought to dramatize a Scarlett-on-Snake Eyes-on-Destro threeway? Yet, outside of those silly "remixes" and this study of Joe's anatomically incorrect behind, there ain't much there.

We'll still share what little we found, but come on, folks! We'd expect this lack of ambition from fans of M.A.S.K. but not the Real American Hero! We just hope that this outtake of Flint and Lady Jaye double-teaming Baroness in a pool of butterscotch pudding doesn't end up on the cutting room floor.

· Flint and Baroness (YouTube)
· The Women of G.I. Joe Naked! (shesocrazy.com)
· Baroness Doing Cobra Commander's Laundry (myconfinedspace.com)
· G.I.J.O.E.????? (alistairbooya.blogspot.com)
· GI Joe? No! GI T.S.O.! (3-116thsniper.blogspot.com)