Fleshbot: straight, porntitles

2008's Top Ten Porn Parodies: Life Imitates Art?

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:05:05 EDT

While some porno titles are clearly the products of divine inspiration ("Cum Fart Tsunami," anyone?), others rely on more mundane sources of inspiration. giving us "The Eliot Splitz-her Story" and any number of "Sex and the City" clones. In a tip of the hat to the latter mode of pornspiration, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey teamed up during the MTV Movie Awards to offer us the "Top Ten Porno Names Based On Hit Movies Of 2008." Any idea how long it'll take for the porno studios to actually make these into real stroke flicks? Cause we're dying to see "The Suck-It List."

Join in the hi-larity as the lads at Cracked...

Jonnobot — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:43:12 EST

Join in the hi-larity as the lads at Cracked chuckle over the 15 Most Sexually Unappealing Porn Titles Of All Time. We think they may be missing the point of "Crack Whores Of The Tenderloin", though it's nice to know that we're not the only ones who have been confused by the allure of "Dirt Pipe Milkshakes" this whole time. (cracked.com - thanks Blakeley)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Auld Lang Syne Edition

Gram Ponante — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 22:45:22 EST

Max Hardcore and Ange Venus are, as you well know, America's Sweethearts ... and a reason to love again after the tragic events of November 1963. Don't they deserve a better title for their movie than the one the Warren Commission gave them?

Sure they do. And since this is the final WWFRD of the year and because we always listen to a little Dan Fogelberg when watching Max's movies, please rename this film with the Bard of Maine in mind and see what runs through your instrument, just like Cloudcarrier did with last week's jubilant and strenuous winning effort.

· See the real title (jerkoffzoone.com)

Previously: WWFRD Archive

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Sleigh Balls Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 23:38:33 EST

It is so important that you accept the inevitability of the real title of this movie that it almost seems wrong to suggest another one.

Still, we were so impressed with Darkewne's Dada-meets-outsourced-call-center naming skillz from last time (with a near- Jezebel-load of reader interaction, we might add) that we have taken heart. Can you top the name that G-d presented this week's entry? Would you?

· See the real title (gamelink.com)

Previously: WWFRD Archive

This Week In Porn Titles: "Shorty Iz Fucking Yo' Mama #2"

Fleshbot — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 12:57:45 EST

You might think that naming porn movies is a simple enough affair, but take a moment to consider all the care, finesse, and economy of restraint that went into the title of this latest release from Black Market: just five words manage to convey the video's potential appeal to the MILF, interracial, and "urban" porn fan demographics. (But not the fact that it somehow stars Kylie Ireland is the titular matriarch; for that, you'll have to check out the box cover where she's seemigly terrorized by a set of outsized, disembodied male genitalia of color. Let's not forget that the art departments of porn studios deserve as much credit as their marketing people do.)

· Black Market Entertainment (blackmarketxxx.com)
· "Shorty Iz Fucking Yo' Mama #2" (adult.dvdempire.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? Pat Benatar Edition

Gram Ponante — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 22:49:09 EDT

Despite your promises in the dark, providing alternative titles to porn films is a real tough cookie (with a long history). So we'll make this (love is a) battlefield easier to navigate: Hold both 80's pop queen Pat Benatar and the most likely title for this movie in your head at the same time, then provide a name that reflects both in the comments below ... with extra points going to anyone who incorporates Ava Rose.

See if you can top America's Sweetheart CloudCarrier's winning entry from last time. Put up your dukes; let's get down to it. Then hit the highway.

· Metro (metrointeractive.com)
· (See the real title) (gamelink.com)

Previously: WWFRD Archive

Title/Content Disagreement: "Cum Scene Investigations"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 21:12:29 EDT

While there is no better title than "Malabimba - The Malicious Whore", we were nevertheless delighted to receive "Cum Scene Investigations", starring the always-intriguing Gen Padova, because we expected it to pay lip service (no pun intended), at the very least, to the similar-sounding drama starring The Sinise.

Well it didn't. There was a scene on a boat, a scene in a doctor's office. Some other stuff. But no sleuthing, no black lights, and no tricky dialogue. For the 25th anniversary re-release in 2032, Pink Visual, you should name this movie "There was a scene on a boat, a scene in a doctor's office. Some other stuff." Or maybe just "Malabimboat".

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Cum Scene Investigations" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn of the Moment Archive

We'll let you decide what your own definition...

Fleshbot — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 14:15:33 EDT

We'll let you decide what your own definition of "Anal Hell" is, but in the meantime we don't have a problem with that comma in "Look, I'm Hairy 6". Attention to grammar in porn titles is unusual enough to always make us grateful, no matter how misguided it may be. (flauntingit.com)

This Week In Porn Titles: "Rim My Gape 3"

Fleshbot — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 12:08:22 EDT

This weekend saw the delivery of the latest installment of one of our favorite "X My Y"-titled porn series to the Fleshbot compound, even if its title presents something of a conundrum: judging from all those yawning orifices on the box cover, one isn't so much invited to skirt around the edges of the holes in question as they are compelled to dive right in. Still, as far as sequels go, it presents less of a challenge than, say, trying to jump into the middle of the "Harry Potter" franchise without seeing each film sequentially from the beginning of the series. So even if you've somehow managed to miss "Rim My Gape" nos. 1 and 2, we promise you won't have any problems figuring out what's going on.

· "Rim My Gape 3" (DVD info @ cduniverse.com)
· Sineplex (sineplex.com)
· "Rim My Gape 3" Trailer (tnaflix.com)

What Would Fleshbot Readers Do? (We'll Give You A Hint: It Has To Do With Breasts)

Gram Ponante — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 21:21:21 EDT

There are those who say that the adoration of fantastically huge breasts indicates a lack of psychosexual development, a Freudian oral fixation, or the shameful need to feel smothered. Then there are others who say, "There goes Science again, telling me how to love." All we need from you, Dear Reader, is a better title than the unfortunate one this movie was born with.

As regards last week's winner, congratulations to Hoebie, who suggested "Bunghole Fungos", sagely implying that the fly-ball-to-oneself maneuver is as masturbatory as porn is.

· See the Original Title @ Pure Play Media

Previously: WWFRD Archive

We could probably tell you more about director...

Fleshbot — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 11:44:43 EDT

We could probably tell you more about director Ken Master's debut effort for Platinum Blue productions, but honestly—with a title like "OMG, I Fucked A Tranny!", what else do you need to know? (avn.com; more @ platinumblueproductions.com)

Poetic Porn of the Moment: "MILF Filth"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 23:06:20 EDT

Sure, the adult business is full of alliteration (Jenna Jameson, Jesse Jane, Hannah Harper) and even assonance (Layla Jade, Jayden James). But in Hustler's "MILF Filth" we encounter consonance in the repetition of consonant sounds in places not restricted to the front of the word. I think I just came a little.

The movie stars the lyrical Phylisha Anne, who will make you forget that you probably won't be able to say the title she's starring in five times fast. - GP

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "MILF Filth" (for your library or school district) (hustlerhollywood.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive

Porn of the Moment: "Black Girl Next Door #10"

Gram Ponante — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 22:45:27 EDT

Don't get us wrong (or do get us wrong, we mean; we're not your father), but it seemed logical that this movie would be about white guys who couldn't believe their luck that a black girl had arrived in the neighborhood. The movie, it turns out, is an all-black film, which makes us wonder why the other 90 percent of the porn titles out there, which feature all-Caucasian casts, aren't just called "More White Girls".

Regardless, Shi Reeves here needs to borrow a cup of sugar for her morning coffee. Once she makes it into this dude's loft, though, she changes her story. "This is all the sugar I'll need," she says, taking one lump in the girlyparts^TM. When the so-called white woman asks me for sugar, why can't she be as duplicitous? - GP

· Afro-Centric Productions (afro-centric.com)
· Buy "Black Girl Next Door #10" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive

Porn of the Moment: "Internal Eruptions"

Gram Ponante — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 23:00:45 EDT

Meeting Jayden James (the porn star, not the Federline-Spears offspring of the same name) in person is just a little more delightful than seeing her picture. But it is important for the porn unaware that an internal eruption is not some kind of condition that requires hospitalization, but instead a wholesome re-enactment of the way people who love each other very much make babies. In other words, that is not a brave smile on James' face—she is in fact saying that she is not going to have to worry about toweling sperm from it later. - GP

· "Internal Eruptions" (Adult DVD Empire)
· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)
· Jayden James on MySpace (myspace.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Porn of the Moment: The Budding Sexuality Of Our Nation's Junior Colleges

Gram Ponante — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 14:30:06 EDT

Of the many delights promised by VCA's new four-hour compilation "Junior College Cock Crammin'" (i.e., the participants were culled from several different movies, none of which necessarily had a college theme) are Hillary Scott, the patriotic Jennifer Steele, and Nicki Hunter. The random star on the box cover indicates that, indeed, these junior college temptresses might not have been graded by a full professor. Still—wait for it—they get an A for effort! (Note to self: return degree.)

In searching for a way for you to view this film, I instead came across this one. Note the exact same rah-rah state school font and the presence of someone named Nautica Binx. - GP

· "Junior College Cock Crammin'" (box cover @ vcapictures.com)

Porn of the Moment: "Super Size My Snatch 3"

Gram Ponante — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 15:40:28 EST

This title is a mystery, but all the clues are there to solve it.

We are with you in the assumption that Lea Jaye's, er, snatch, had been so supersized by the time this photo was taken that that was the reason she is showing each of her girlyparts^TM except the one mentioned in the title.

Furthermore, the tableau director Stoney Curtis creates with Jaye's unorthodox positioning indicates that there is someone downstage right of Jaye, perhaps the very person responsible for her supersizing. Questions of blame aside, what we really wonder is if what Jaye is bracing herself on is a chair or a table. - GP

· Lethal Hardcore (lethalhardcore.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Porn of the Moment: "Big Brazilian Boobs"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 17:32:57 EST

Like you, I always think "trannies" and then "ducts" when someone mentions Brazil. Hustler nicely upends our sensibilities by releasing "Big Brazilian Boobs", a tender and moving tribute to South America's largest country and the only nation on that continent to receive independence without first being involved in a violent revolution.

This doesn't explain why Brazilians are still so into the Scorpions.

Strangely, though, the boxcover advertises this boobtastic title as "all anal", leading us to wonder why those stuck-up large-breasted Brazilians are keeping their bucetas from us? - GP

· Hustler (hustler.com)
· Buy "Hustler's Busty Beauties - Big Brazilian Boobs" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive