Or, you know what, maybe they do. In this vignette from Rodney Moore's "Vampires," Luxx first finds herself in the enviable position of having to service jailhouse alpha female Jamie Tyler, a willowy contrast to Luxx's pneumatic juiciness, and then it turns out that Tyler is a vampire minion of Lee Stone, who shows up and renders Luxx all floppy.

Decidedly low-budget (but at the same time made with evident love), the scene features a split screen blowjob which I found fascinating. I found myself rooting for Luxx to get to the goal first.

Say what you will about profiling of any kind by our nation's police, but it doesn't appear as though Luxx' jailhouse experience left her with any scars save the ones on her throat.

· Rodnievision (rodnievision.com)
· Buy "Rodney Moore's Vampires" (gamelink.com)

Les Vampyres

As you know, the last two horror films set in northern California were John Carpenter's The Fog and Corey Haim's The Lost Boys. So I was half giddy with excitement about James Avalon's AVN-sweeping 2000 movie Les Vampyres.

Castrated men are washing ashore along the scenic Pacific Coast Highway. None of them is John Houseman's Mr. Machen. In the opening scene of Les Vampyres (the only porn movie ever to name-check Peter Ueberroth), we watch as a three-way goes horribly wrong for a poor fellow who finds his junk bitten off by two women he probably thought were his friends

After the credits roll, we meet earnest couple Jenny and Clint (Jewel Valmont and Joel Lawrence), celebrating his job promotion by spending the weekend at a cozy resort. They bump into the uber-creepy Veronika (Syren), Victoria, and Vivian, two-thirds of whom we just saw biting some poor dude's cock off (the poor dude was played by Brick Majors, Brian Surewood's brother). The trio invites the couple to dinner, and they accept.

But back in the room the couple change their minds and decide to order room service instead.

"She had a strange aura about her," Jenny confides. "She made me feel ... different."

Not to worry. Victoria and Vivian are out looking for man-flesh, and boy do they find some, luring a hapless voyeur into some cock-biting.

Veronica has her heart set on Jenny, but Clint, like me, thinks Veronica's loopy.

"But I'm drawn to her," says Jenny. "It's a ... longing."

Meanwhile, now les vampyres have offed a doofus cop who alone was on to their shenanigans. But Clint is also suspicious. Unfortunately, like the other dubious men in the movie, his reservations are not strong enough to resist their temptations, in Clint's case, a sexy vampyre in the shower.

When Veronika finally gets Jenny alone, she informs the quivering blonde of her secret past. And when Jenny is hip to her own supernatural resume, it's curtains for Clint.

Avalon was and is a talented director who makes his stars look their best. While Syren doubtless did the best she could, it is painful to hear her deliver lines. As if anticipating this, a lot of the incidental male parts are just as hokey. Les Vampyres is a very juicy and cable-ready horror porn that holds up well lo these eight years.

Studio: Metro
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Syren, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, Wendi Knight, Brick Majors, Violet Luv, Jack Hammer, Samantha, Brandon Iron, Nick Orleans

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Metro (metrointeractive.com)
· Buy "Les Vampyres" (gamelink.com)

So who do we root for in "Kiss Attack," this comic art/porn/hip hop/rave/drag effort by artist Carlos Batts and his wife, the zaftig April Flores, who plays lead vampire babe Ms. Sangre? Well, in that Sangre's sisters include Sasha Grey, Sara Vandella, and a woman named La Cholita, we vote for the bloodsuckers, stupid.

Batts enlisted the help of New Mexico artist Nathan Carlisle, whose splendid animations fleshed out characters (like Drakul) that budget restrictions prevented from human depiction.

But where "Kiss Attack" really succeeds (as it should) is in its sex scenes, each with its own color palette, such as this one with the pale and lush Sara Vandalla and this vivid (small v) exchange with Sasha Grey.

Do we really learn anything new about vampires in "Kiss Attack"? Er, no. But they're a fuckload sexier than werewolves.

· Carlos Batts (carlosbatts.com)
· Buy "Kiss Attack"@ Amazon (yes, amazon.com)