If you answered yes to all of the above, boy, have we found the Craigslist posting for you:

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "FUCK ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate you again. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "HARDER" no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will fuck you as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop".

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together. See you soon!

We wish all the best to the gentleman who posted the ad. If it doesn't prove fruitful, may we offer up this as consolation?

(And yes, we know this could easily be a fake ad. But you know what? We're happier believing that it's true—so please, leave us alone with our fantasy.)

· Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w - 29 (craigslist.ca)
· Thumbnail star: GND Cali (gamerfetish.com)

A kind tipster sent us in the direction of Raz's not-so-private AdultSpace page. Despite asserting that he's "[[t]rying to be a little private on here" and would like us to "[p]ls keep this private!", he happily uses the name RazB as his handle, gives out his Yahoo ID, and has his photos watermarked with his email address. Not so smart, there.

Of course, it is possible that this is all one nasty cruel joke that someone's playing on the boy—after all, though there are penis shots and face shots, they don't occur in the same shot. And would anyone really be that stupid?

But hey, if it is him... well, RazB, we definitely like what we see. Consider this our way of sliding you a message.

· RazB (adultspace.com)

Okay, so it turns out this isn't actually a real personals site, but instead a brilliant ruse developed by Girlfriend Films to help market their upcoming porno flick "Mother Daughter Exchange Club." (We believe this is what's known as "viral marketing.") We're sorta disappointed that we won't get the chance to go on a big ol' lesbian double date with our mom — but hey, at least we can always watch a porn about it!

· Mother Daughter Exchange Club (motherdaughterexchangeclub.net, via avn.com)
· Buy Mother Daughter Exchange Club (girlfriendsfilms.com)

· Bunny Tail Cleaner (bunnytailcleaner.tumblr.com)
· Thumbnail via CFNM Porn (cfnmporn.net)

· The Great Strap-On Experiment (thegreatstraponexperiment.tumblr.com; also seen at Daily Bedpost)
· Thumbnail via Ladies Fuck Gents (ladiesfuckgents.com, via Ask Jolene)

· Boobik? (boobik.com)

Previously: Why Does Digg Hate Porn?, Stumble Porn: Fall Into Smut, Social Porn Is Exactly What You Think It Is, Xpodium: Be A Porn Model (Or Just Look At Some)

It's that time of the month again: time to see what our anonymous, horny, lonely, depressed, happy, horny, angry, frustrated, confused, and horny friends are up to in the personals section at Craigslist. Did we mention horny? That's to be expected though, because when you consider all their myriad personal problems—old age, blue balls, misogyny, excess flatulence, the Atlantic Ocean—it's a wonder anyone ever gets laid. It's gotten so bad even turtles are turning to the internet for help now. Go ahead and look ... you know you want to.

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The Best of the "Best of Craigslist"

· I'm Done With Ya, Bitches (Boston)

Blowjobs & handjobs

should be sloppy, noisy, and willing to finish the job. Not this "suck suck, oh my jaw" crap. I made sure to learn how to give good head. I give DAMN good head. I'm not afraid of your bodily fluids. I dive in and grab a snorkel if I need air. Let go of this bullshit femenist rhetoric and learn to worship the cock or become a lesbian.

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· RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex! (Chicago)

Well ladies, the shoe is on the other foot and guess what? I'm tired!!! I'm tired from sheer exhaustion of chasing your cock teasing ass for the last 25 years!!!! Constantly, going home with "blue balls" and "whacking off" because you want me to "respect you in the morning"!!!! Well guess what years of cock abuse has done to my sex drive?!!!!

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· I quit Cold turkey (Portland)

I quit masturbating last week, and I'm not Mormon.


Soak that in a second.

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· So Here's The Situation (Toronto)

It wasn't until we went to a bathroom stall to makeout that my secret slipped out. There he was one hand on my breast, and the other on my left ass cheek, and I let out this unbelievably loud fart, and he opened his eyes, stepped back, and passed out. My farting can interfere with sex too. I mean think about it, there you are taking me from behind, when all of a sudden, you hear this Tuba-like sound coming out of my ass, and there it is for you, the Chili we had at dinner.

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· 143 Reasons That I Will Be The Best Girlfrie0nd You've Ever Had (San Francisco)

57. I'm not opposed to having a hump-session anytime anywhere.

58. I don't want you to spoon me everynight

59. I like you to poke me in the butt in the morning

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· My Turtle Needs A Booty Call (Boston)

So I guess we're kind of talking about casual sex here but I promise that my turtle could give your turtle more respect and pleasure than the average "special friend."

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· Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work... (Philadelphia)

Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn't that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

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The Rest of Craigslist (These posts expire after one week, though we try to preserve the entire message for posterity.)

· to that special girl from Germany that i cant have - m4w (Washington, DC)

all i know is that i want to touch your whole body! if you ever read this i will be embaraced............ oh and i dont care about your boyfriend in germany, and i hope you dont mind my recent past. seriously if i cant have you thats fine, but i still have my memories.

that was all so long ago............................ lets do it in the car in the rain again! every night with you in paris was enjoyable to the extreme, it was perfect enough for anything and there you went between these fingers. i should have made you mine on the new year!

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· Lookin' to sniff out sweaty pits, balls and feet (Washington, DC)

masc bi dude that gets turned on by a dudes musky sweaty pits, balls and feet of suit & tie types and big plus are blue collar dudes that wear construction boots and sweaty socks. You need to be in-shape, n/s and d/df...masc discreet only (str8/bi) and discretion a must.

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· RE: Anyone Know where I can get my penis tattooed (New York)

If you have a nice sized cock come over to my place, I have a killer set of crayola markers and I majored in Art....like horses???

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· RE: Anyone Know where I can get my penis tattooed

email me after you have it done!

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Previously: Best of Craigslist Archive

Once again it's time to swim through the churning sea of humanity known as Craigslist to learn what sort of sexual tempests our brothers and sisters have been caught up in lately. Looking deep into the soul of mankind is never easy ... but it's often hilarious. This month: a young man pleads for his life, a lesbian changes teams, playas get hated, the unfortunately-named Paco gets into some hot water ... and we finish it off with the kind of personals ad that Craigslist was made for. (Shout if you love to EAT ASS!) Catch 'em before they disappear!

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The Best of the "Best of Craigslist"

· No more sex. Please. (San Francisco)

The first 2 days just about killed me, but for the first time in my life I was satisfied. Given my sex drive I thought that maybe I had had a stroke somewhere in the 40 hrs of damn near continuous sex. But I'm a gentleman, so I gave you another 20. But now that we're working on 4 days here I'm starting to panic. It's like I'm being taught some kind of horrible lesson, but I can only pray that I'm dreaming.

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· 10 Reasons to Date a Lesbian (San Diego)

5. I don't call myself bisexual. Bi chicks have a reputation for cheating on their husbands and being incapable of sustaining meaningful relationships with women. It may be a generalization, but I've met enough of them to know that I don't ever want to date one or to be called one. It's just not my style.

6. You never have to wonder if I slept with that other guy. I didn't.

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· You Might Be Fucking My Roommate, but... (Milwaukee)

Fucking in our common areas. The only reason I know this shit goes on is because I've found the condom wrappers in very odd locations. There's nothing I can do about this, but it creeps me out to think about where either your or her ass has been. If I knew you were both clean and conscious individuals, this might be an area of negotiation, but I know her habits. I've seen glimpses into yours. Do what you want in the shower. Otherwise, stay in her room, I beg you.

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The Rest of Craigslist (These posts expire after one week, though we try to preserve the entire message for posterity.)

· Rant No Dick for Me Tomorrow AM (Northern Virginia)

Hmm so one of my favorite tricks who up and got married contacted me yesterday and he wanted some head and ass action. We made plans to meet tomorrow AM at my place before work and he had to cancel. Seems his new nosey wife installed tracking software on their home computer and busted him. Hmm missing that dick......

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· RANT: I can't stop fantasizing about my boss (Boston)

I really can't stop fantasizing about my bosss...it's a fun little fantasy, but really inappropriate! He's not my direct boss, rather he's the CEO, so I guess he's my bosses boss (they're just about equals, though). I generally don't have a thing for older men, but he is really handsome and a nice guy. He always has a big smile and a hello for me...the other day he told me that he wishes the company were filled with more of me because he likes how I get things done...yeah, that lent itself to about a half an hour of me closing my office door and getting all wet...Trying not to think about it is just not working. I'm a happily involved girl, but I suppose indulging in a little fantasy to keep boredom away never hurt anyone...

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· Re : RANT Now I understand.....the oral sex thing (San Franciso - East Bay)

My wife and I have been arguing about this for the last three days now. I want her to give me head and she says "I'm not even interested in being interested in giving you head". Yes, you read that correctly. She said "Im not even interested in being interested"!

That really hurt my feelings. I am very clean and smell good and it really kills me to see women on this forum who talk about men who are in it for themselves. I will eat my wife and send her straight to heaven anytime she wants, but God forbid that I want to get head once or twice a month !

I'm even starting to think that maybe I should get a divorce, after 11 years of marriage. I feel like I cant take being deprived much more. Two of the most important things to me are getting head, and secondly, her cooking for me. I do most of the cooking, but it would be nice if she would take interest. I dont think that my wife gives a shit about pleasing her man, but then she gives me two pages of shit that she is expecting from me.

This is SO unfair! I believe that I am a good man and I deserve to get some head ! I give much, and I should get much back.

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· why do fat chicks like it anal? cuz it's tight? (New York)

Why do fat chicks always pretend they are virgins in the ass department and then I slam my meat into them and they just beg for more and to do it harder and harder.

It is major work to please a fat chick and one that loves the anal ca bob.

so question: Do fat chicks take it up the butt in a disproportionate amount and does this have anything to do with their support of Hillary Clinton?

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· To the players out there: what's the point of fucking all these women? (Los Angeles)

So I am a guy, 28, serial monogamist, I like falling in love with a woman, becoming close to her, becoming comfortable enough with her to be myself, sharing experiences, learning a new take on things, just hanging out together like best friends who are also tender with each other. I guess that makes me a bit of a pussy, but I'm with a girl now, she's in the same profession, she's my best friend, and we will be getting married in the next few years. Even if this doesn't work, I'll porbably just go out and find another companion.

I have had a few one night stands, and some short fucking relationships as well, but I just found them unsatisfying. There's the thrill of victory, but everything else is subpar - you have to wear condoms, it's a bit awkward, you don't really enjoy each other as people so all the time spent outside of sex isn't that great, you have to watch what you say or else you forfeit the sex, in short, you're playing the game, not being yourself, and it's tiresome and uncomfortable.

So what's the big thrill of nailing one chick after another and moving on? I mean, they all have the same holes, don't they? How different can it be after the 100th one? You're just going through the same motions, or with slight variation, on each date, each pick up. Is there much variety in bed? Do you get to do everything you want?

What's the attraction? Is it just the ego boost that comes from knowing that you can get into their pants? But this isn't even that much of a victory anymore, they are as horny as we are, so who's fucking who? It seems so strange and obligatory, to perform this sexual act with every stranger you can, like a ritual of some kind.

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· Ladies, just because I get you off.....multiple times..... (Seattle)

Doesn't mean I love you or are in love with you. It just means I care about getting you off. I care because I have heard too many times "that hasn't happened in a really long time" and "Nobody has ever done that before". It breaks my heart and kills me to hear things like this.

Guys WTF? you're making us look bad. Not to mention makes it hard for guys like me to just have a little fun.....they always get so clingy when you get them off. Personally I like it. Making a woman climax is almost as good as climaxing myself.

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· Warning! Ladies if you slep with PACO (Los Angeles)

If any lady here slep with PACO in the last 2 years, you better get tested.

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· Re: Warning! Ladies if you slep with PACO (Los Angeles)

Uh, seriously, who would be dumb enough to sleep with anyone by such a stupid name as Paco?

Who would also be stupid enough to have unprotected sex, especially with a dork named Paco?

If you're dumb enough to sleep with someone by such a stupid name, sans condom, you deserve your diseases.

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· LOVES TO EAT FEMALE ASS!!! - m4w (Toronto - with pictures!)

THIS AD IS VERY SIMPLE AND TO THE POINT!!! I LOVE TO EAT FEAMLE ASS!!!! FOR THOSE WHO LOVE IT BEING DONE TO THEM, THIS AD IS FOR YOU!! TOO ASHAMED TO SAY ANYTHING?....BOYFRIEND OR HUBBY WON'T DO IT!!! HERE I AM!! ATTRACTIVE, LIGHT SKINNED BKACK MALE FOR YOUR PLEASURE...NO $$$...WOMEN ONLY...JUST LIE BACK AND ENJOY!!! REPLY WITH PICS IF POSSIBLE.

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Previously: Best of Craigslist Archive