Fleshbot: straight, parody

Learn The Feminine Mystique From "Not The Brady Bunch XXX: Pussy Power"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:00 EST

Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of "Not The Bradys," young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows up at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in Jan's bed, which somehow introduces her to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia's success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of "being good at something" lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol' Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B's bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan's violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven't delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; "much more than a hunch" indeed.

Nerve Picks The Top Porn Parodies Of 2009 (Mostly)

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:15:00 EST

Nerve's got their picks for top ten porn parodies of 2009. It's a pretty solid list...provided you can overlook the fact that almost half the titles came out before this year. (nerve.com)

How Business Gets Done In Hollywood

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:00:00 EST

"Entourage" may have given us all a bit of insight into how the world of Hollywood works—but it's "Entourage XXX" that really delves deeply, exploring the backroom (and in office) action that really seals those deals.

If only all deals were decided this way...why, we'd be halfway to securing that job of President of Earth by now.

· Buy "Entourage - A XXX Parody" (gamelink.com)

Hustler Breathes New Life Into "90210" With Porn Parody

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:30:01 EST

You may not agree, but we, for one, found the recent reboot of "90210" a bit disappointing. True, Shenae Grimes was stunning...but where's the hardcore sex? The orgy at the Peach Pit? The hardcore sex?

Fortunately, Hustler's happy to provide all the things the CW denied us: enter "This Ain't 90210 XXX," a sexier spin on the lives of those crazy kids from Beverly Hills. Now if they could just manage to include AnnaLynne McCord's nipple...we'd be all set.

· The Peach Pit Gang Is BACK! (hustlerworld.com)

"Dancing With The Stars" Spawns Not One, But Two Porn Titles

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:45:00 EST

Apparently this "Dancing with the Stars" thing is bigger than we realized. First we had Sin City's "Dancing with Porn Stars," and now Hustler has announced production on "This Ain't Dancing with the Stars XXX." Heaven help us. (hustlerworld.com)

Sin City Invites You To Go "Dancing With Porn Stars"

DCypher — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:00:00 EST

Slowly but surely, director Sammy Slater has been climbing to the top of porn parody mountain. This week he adds one more peak to his belt on that Everest climb, as Kagney Linn Karter plays his Tenzing Norgay.

It may come as no surprise that "Dancing with the Stars" is a worldwide franchise with spin-off's in different parts of the globe—but it was a hell of a shock to us. In fact, America has one of the lowest-rated versions of the show. Argentina, Austria, Belgium, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Brazil, Bulgaria, Chile, China, Croatia, The Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Germany, India, Israel, Italy, Japan, Latvia, The Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, Romania, Russia, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, and even Sweden have their own versions of the BBC owned show. Kinda puts it all into perspective, doesn't it? Not really? Okay, then.

Sin City decided to jump in to the porn parody pile with both feet...but wanted to add a little twist. That's where Sammy came in with more questions than Glenn Beck. What if they decided to cast pornstars in the series instead of C-List celebrities, rappers, and Playboy models that were once listed on Nikki's escort site?

Next, he cast the lovely and talented Kagney Linn Karter to play his lead role, Play Bunny Model from the Mansion Next Door, and the rest, well, was history. Kagney rides hard cock with a sexy little whine, stuffing her tight little pink fuck hole while her blonde hair sways back and forth. You had us at Kagney. It's easy to see why she's booked every day.

Then Sammy threw in a fresh dose of babes, including Madison James, Lana Violet, Shawna Lenee, Riley Evans, and MILF Ariella Ferrera. You know better than anyone how we all feel about sexy little Penthouse Pet Shawna Lenee. Newcomer Seth Gamble cracks open her perennially tight, bubble gum pink twat and gets the hottest chick in porn squirting and screaming his name in no time at all. Nice work, Seth.

Slater takes cracks at Twilight, Jack Ass, the judges, and the network itself, with better than average results. The show is both sexy and funny, a rare combination that's hard to pull off.

"Dancing with Porn Stars" streets this week from Sin City Films and Sammy Slater. Check out the exclusive gallery we got (because you absolutely cannot see it anywhere else) then cruise on over here and see the trailer.

If You've Ever Wondered: "WKRP in Cincinati"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:30:01 EST

Supertramp. Jan Smithers. Loni Anderson before Burt Reynolds. Could there be a richer lode of porn gold than "WKRP in Cincinnati"? (Of course there could, but how often do we get the chance to write about Supertramp and Smithers?)

WKRP in Cincinnati: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Starring: Ashlynn Brooke, Evan Stone, Ryan McLane, Holly Heart, Scott Lyons, Ralph Long, Tee Reel, Rod Fontana, Kagney Linn Karter, Andy San Dimas, Jackie Daniels, Faye Reagan

Review by: Gram Ponante

New Sensations' latest (as of 2 this afternoon, check back in 15 minutes) porn parody faithfully recreates and pornifies the beloved 80's show that made a bombshell out of Loni Anderson, a star out of Howard Hesseman, and a Trivial Pursuit question of Gary Sandy.

Supertramp is in town and WKRP finally has a chance to show a profit by running a contest for front row tickets. But the tickets get lost! In the meantime, dissolute DJ Dr. Johnny Fever (Evan Stone) must keep some enthusiastic 'tramp fans at bay (I call them 'tramp), while the two unlikeliest pairings of anyone in the cast (Ashlynn Brooke's Jennifer with Ralph Long's Herb/Holly Heart's Bailey with Scott Lyons' Les) make for a parody that fans of the original show will appreciate for its attention to detail while reconsidering the necessity of parodying the show in the first place.

All ends well as Jennifer calls up Supertramp's lead singer—a personal friend—to replace the tickets.

New Sensations scores by getting Rick Davies' name right as well as correctly spelling Cincinnati. Had the company not released gems like "The Sex Files," this might be all we could hope for from a porn world that thinks only dummies buy its movies. But in the end, a suspect laugh track and a cast that likely contained only two people (Rod Fontana as Mr. Carlson and Evan Stone) who remembered the original show, leave me feeling a little Les-Nessman-than enthusiastic about this parody. Supertramp and I are looking forward to "True Blood"y Well Right.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "WKRP in Cincinnati: A XXX Parody" (gamelink.com)

Hustler Explores The Unknown In "This Ain't Ghost Hunters XXX"

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:30:01 EST

Before you go asking why, exactly, Hustler went with "This Ain't Ghost Hunters XXX" and not something more clever—like, say, "Ghost Cunters"—we'd like to remind you that Burning Angel Has dibs on that title.

That said, Hustler's dive into the erotic paranormal (or paranormally erotic?) does look compelling...we can only hope that someone ends up doing it with ghost somewhere along the line. (Think we'll get our wish?

· Sneak Peek: "This Ain't Ghost Hunters XXX" (hustlerworld.com)

Private Dicks (And Pussies): "Criminal Sex Investigation"

Gram Ponante — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:00:00 EST

Had enough of porn parodies? Not yet, Comrade. Imagine, if you will, an Eastern European porn adaptation of "CSI: Las Vegas" and you get the Private's porntastically unfathomable "Criminal Sex Investigation."

Criminal Sex Investigation

Studio: Private
Director: Antonio Adamo
Cast: Regina Moon, Viva Style, Alexa Bold, Carla Cox, Leah Lush, Denis Marti, Cristian David, Marco Nero, Mike Angelo

Review by: Gram Ponante

We have seen many of these beautiful (the women) and comically noirish (the guys) characters before in other Private movies, but what is fantastic about this outing (in addition to the hot Eurosex spawned by five weeks of vacation each year) is the stock footage of Vegas interpolated with both Eastern bloc interiors and performers, none of whom speaks English in a recognizable way.

You may say, "Oh, Grams, I'm not looking to have these performers anchor my high school speech and debate club; I just want to jack/jill off to them."

Well you do that.

We watch through flashbacks the last hours of a beautiful escort's life and follow a tough LVPD dick (Denis Marti) as he visits local haunts to solve her hot, fetishy Euro-murder.

Our detective is not above engaging in a double penetration to get the data he needs. Just so you know.

Nor is the movie afraid to tap into the 90's craze for techno treatments of Gregorian chants for background music, either.

While every death is a tragedy, "Criminal Sex Investigation" teaches us that the greatest purpose of life is to fuck a lot and leave a sexy corpse.

I'm going to get started right now!

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "Criminal Sex Investigation" (gamelink.com)

Popshots of the Week!

Gram Ponante — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:00:59 EDT

Pornish things happened all across California this week and I bore witness to them, from exhibitionists in cow palaces to rabbit holes to Porn's version of the bloodsucking bayou. We start with Noname Jane onstage in San Francisco.

Jane was just about to squirt chocolate on herself, at which point my camera was jostled by ravening lesbians who proceeded to lick it off her.

The event was the Exotic Erotic Ball, a hit or miss affair with heart and soul and plenty of local color. Like this protester's sign, however, the Ball tried to cater to as diverse a group as possible but didn't have its act together. Still, the friendliness of the crowd inside was a very welcome and opposite counterpoint to the real hatred of this group of protesters.

Down south, delightful pixie Aiden Starr auditions for Erica McLean and Carlos Batts' upcoming "Alice in Wonderland" porn adaptation (which will be at least the third this year and, if she gets the role, Starr's second foray through the looking glass).

April Flores, of course, plays the Red Queen. I think that will be awesome.

Across Porn Valley, Ashlynn Brooke plays Sookie in New Sensations' adaptation of "True Blood," scripted by Brooke herself. She is so unbelievably pretty I forgot her clothes were on.

The chameleonic Misty Stone plays Tara (she just found out Lafayette was dead) and Evan Stone plays Evan Stone playing a guy from the show. In the background we see Ralph Long, pulling double duty as a boom operator (we last saw Long as Screech in "This Ain't Saved by the Bell" as well as in "The Sex Files").

Finally we managed to get inside, to Silverlake's Bigfoot Lodge (this reporter's local bar), where at 10 in the morning Misty Stone inspired more wood within the woody surroundings.

"Batman XXX - A Porn Parody" Vs. "Batman": A Comparison

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:00:00 EDT

Vivid Entertainment is a bit late to capitalize on The Dark Knight. That said, it's never too late to parody the campy 1960s Batman with Adam West.

When you think about the kinds of villains that show used to have (The Clock King, The Black Widow, Nora Clavicle, someone named Fingers), it's kind of surprising how un-sexual the original show was. Though we're reluctant to admit it, maybe this is one parody that was meant to happen. Anyhow, we have the cast list, so only one question remains: how does the porny compare to the corny?

Batman
1960s Batman: Adam West
XXX Batman: Nick Manning

Robin
1960s Batman: Burt Ward
XXX Batman: Kris Slater

The Riddler
1960s Batman: Frank Gorshin
XXX Batman: Evan Stone

The Joker
1960s Batman: Cesar Romero
XXX Batman: Randy Spears

Batgirl
1960s Batman: Yvonne Craig
XXX Batman: Nicole Ray

Catwoman
1960s Batman: Julie Newmar
XXX Batman: Tori Black

· Vivid Entertainment (vivid.com)
· Axel Braun Completes Casting Vivid's 'Batman XXX' (business.avn.com)
· Dynamic Duo via Ass Titans (sexandcash.com)

Pornstars In Polyester: "'70s Show: A XXX Parody"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Quick word of advice: jizz will not wash out of polyester. Trust us.

'70s Show: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: Brooke Banner, Ashlynn Brooke, Missy Stone, Rachel Love, Kaci Starr, Patrick J. Knight, Anthony Rosano, Ralph Long, Justin Magnum, Bo Banner, Ethan Cage, Steve Smith, Pike Nelson

When we first announced "'70s Show" on this site, there was quite a hubbub about casting choices, hair color, and overall attention to the original. In response to the commotion:
Yes, Brooke Banner makes an excellent Donna. And Rachel Love does an outstanding Kitty Foreman.
No, the wigs aren't perfect, but the hair color is pretty accurate.
Yes, Bob and Midge really should've been in this.

Honestly, the one thing that tweaked my obsessive side was the pubic hair. It was (a FOX network tribute to) the '70s! As a young lad, I totally had a crush on Donna, but would've gladly gone out with Jackie, and was down to fool around with Laurie. Naturally, a critical part of the whole four-way fantasy was pubic hair: big, scruffy, retro bushes. Do you think I got retro bushes? Of course not. Next thing I know, someone will tell me Charlie's Angels were all shaved, too.

Gripes aside, "'70s Show" offers genuine giggles. The story revolves around a Led Zeppelin concert the whole gang attends. Eric (Patrick J. Knight) and Donna try to go backstage to see the band, but only Donna is allowed in. Sadly, it's all a trick. Donna thinks she's blowing three security guards so she can meet Robert Plant, but really she's just slobbing on the cleaning crew. Meanwhile, Fez (Pike Nelson) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano) dress up like rock stars in order to trick groupies into sleeping with them. For no reason, Eric's sister Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) shows up to do laundry and fuck Kelso.

Although Missy Stone may not look exactly like Mila Kunis, she has the voice down perfectly. Better yet, she throws out brilliant one-liners during her scene with Ralph Long (as the sideburned Hyde): "I can't believe I'm messing up my hair for you!" Best of all, she's Missy Stone, and she's unbelievably hot. No surprises there.

Being attracted to Rachel Love as Kitty? That was a surprise. There's something magical about watching Red's Korean War veteran angst come bubbling to the surface as he fucks his wife with a grimace. Like any man would, he comes early and walks off to grab a sandwich. While he's gone, Hyde comes in, shrugs, and helps Kitty finish.

When the funny is on, it's really on, and it blurs the line between accuracy and arousal. Hyde is a notorious mooch, so it seems natural for him to swoop up the sloppy seconds that Red leaves lying on the couch. When the gang is smoking pot in the basement, the camera pans from stoned face to gaping jaw. There's even a theme song that bears a striking resemblance to the original! Lee Roy Myers nailed it. The attention to detail warms the heart of the most nitpicky fan. Even I'm willing to forgive their trespasses against pubic hair.

Hustler Continues Untrue Rampage By Targeting Jessica Simpson

DCypher — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:00:00 EDT

Porn director of yore Stuart Canterbury makes a plucky comeback with "Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories - Jessica Simpson" starring Jessica Lynn, Gracie Glam, Kiera King, Melissa Jacobs, and Rachel Roxxx. Are you ready for the inside references?

Truth be told (or not), there's a whole lot to know about this broad and you don't want to miss a single moment of the goodness. And that's what we're here for: to help you break it down!

Ever since she famously asked whether Chicken of the Sea was tuna or chicken on her MTV reality show with her boy toy husband, American's have had an appetite for all things Jessica Simpson that simply cannot be satisfied. Since then, real life Simpson has regaled us with her amazing personal life, dating "creepy" John Mayer, sports hero Tony Romo, and possibly even Gerald Butler. She's also wowed us with her acting ability, which pretty much consists of her looking scorching hot in a pair of cut off jeans and then packing on an unhealthy amount of weight only to suspiciously shed it a few months later when the media made fun or her. Oh, and Eminem keeps picking on her, which means you must be famous (cough—one trick pony!).

The point is that week after precious week of our human lives, as we inch closer towards the grave, we find comfort, solace, and fascination in the sexual exploits of this once bright shining star. Whether it be outright attraction or simply morbid curiousity we can't help but wonder about her luscious genitals. The truth is, without a sex tape we will probably never know what her delightful pink butterfly looks like or is really up to, except when we use the power of our wonderful imaginations to dream the unknowable!

Or we can just buy this movie that our super cool Uncle Larry Flynt had made that pretty much covers all of that and more. While we don't want to give too much away we can pretty much tell you flat out that it is awesome. That is a direct quote.

"Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories - Jessica Simpson" comes out next week, but you can check a free sample of the goods here right now and see if it's your thing. We're pretty sure John Mayer will—and we hope he writes about it in his famously tedious blog. (Just kidding, John!)

Tori Black Fucks Her Little Heart Out In "Entourage – A XXX Parody"

DCypher — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

What better way to get even with the studio that's keeping you from blockbuster roles than to make a porn parody? It almost sounds like an actual episode of a series that has clearly jumped the shark.

Such is the clever twist that guides the loose plot of New Sensations' newest self aware porn parody "Entourage – A XXX Parody." Directed by Lee Roy Myers, the spoof covers all our favorite players, including Eric, Vince, Turtle, Drama, Ari, and Lloyd.

Myers's pornified version picks up somewhere between seasons two and three, after Vince's latest film flops, when Turtle decides to upload a celebrity sex tape of Vince and everyone's favorite super-starlet-next-door, Mandy Moorehead. From there it's so spot on that Marky Mark and the Writer's Guild should get a cut of the residuals from this thing.

Ultimately, fans of the show will love it. The players actually kinda look like the real actors on the show, and great attention to detail is paid. But, while the real show's pull is not only its cast of plucky characters but the allure of Hollywood itself (replete with every single saccharin stereotype non-Angelino's insist on perpetuating) the porn parody must be based on hot sex, no matter how closely the movie apes the object of it's adoration. Luckily it stars sexy Ashlynn Brooke, Penthouse Pet Tori Black, Priya Rai, Jayden James, and Eva Ellington, all fine young women far more interested in servicing huge cocks than taking cold reading classes off Laurel Canyon.

While we have always loved Ashlynn's, um, work, we were particularly thrilled with the effort young Miss Black puts forward. She takes an amazing fucking, so much so that it distracts us from the plot. We owe you one there, babycakes.

"Entourage – A XXX Parody" comes out today. The hardcore trailer is available here—or view the soft trailer on YouTube. And, of course, be sure to check out the goodness in our exclusive gallery below.

Tori Black and Anthony Rosano
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Tori Black
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Tori Black and Anthony Rosano
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Ashlynn Brooke
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Ashlynn Brooke
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Ashlynn Brooke
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Priya Rai
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Priya Rai
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Jayden James
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Jayden James
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Eva Ellington
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Eva Ellington
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)
Eva Ellington
"Entourage - A XXX Parody" (entouragexxx.com)

"Flight Attendants" Crashes Despite Ample Buoyancy

Gram Ponante — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Global Air's ridership has taken a nosedive since one of its planes did. And rival Trans Con won't let Global forget it! So Global's flight attendants decide to grow their customer base the only way they know how.

Flight Attendants

Studio: X-Play/Adam & Eve
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Kayden Kross, Evan Stone, Hillary Scott, Teagan Presley, Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Misty Stone, Shyla Stylez, Kacey Jordan, Lexi Love, Michelle Maylene, Randy Spears, James Bartholet, Eric John, Jack Lawrence, Eric Swiss, Thomas Ward, Brad Hardy, Kenzi Marie, Chastity Lynn, Farrah Foxx, Dino Bravo, Barry Scott

Review by: Gram Ponante

X-Play's newest film (following last week's "Monday Night Football") continues the company's diversification into porn comedies that aren't based on a particular show. This one draws broadly from "Airplane!" with a healthy dose of Jim Holliday's ensemble pornos of the 90's (Holliday gets namechecked in the movie) as well as Digital Playground's recent successes in occupational porn, "Cheerleaders," "Babysitters," "Nurses," and "Teachers."

A co-production with Adam & Eve like last year's Zero Tolerance/A&E matchup "Rollerdollz," "Flight Attendants" tries so hard to please that it collapses with the effort. Such a large cast means not enough room for everyone to shine, and the story is so needlessly convoluted that you will actually become stupider while watching it.

Q. But Grams, surely you're not saying that you would fault a porn movie for a poorly-executed story. Isn't sex all that matters?
A. While sex is all that matters, at least at this point in our lives, you should probably just buy ten copies of "Flight Attendants," watch each one, and feel your IQ drop by ten points each time. Then you will be this movie's target audience, and will support X-Play's future filmic endeavors.

Multiple uses of flashbacks and dream sequences are neither effective nor funny, the theme song is grating, and the numerous gay and black/urban poor jokes made by and at the expense of performer James Bartholet and openly black performer Misty Stone try too hard to be outrageous and fall flat. It was often amazing how "Flight Attendants" made two subjects that are normally hilarious - race and sexual orientation - unfunny while trying to be "broad."

Speaking of broad, let's talk about the sex.

X-Play has assembled an all-star cast and we slog through way too much plot before any cast members commence to fucking. While there are standout scenes between Shyla Stylez and Randy Spears, the newly-returned Hillary Scott and Barry Scott (no relation), and Kayden Kross and Evan Stone, we don't see nearly enough of Sunny Lane, Eva Angelina, Teagan Presley, or Lexi Love. And, in an industry where people don't need much of an excuse to have sex, "Flight Attendants" manages to strain credulity.

I think X-Play in particular and parodies in general need to take a vacation.

We know the recent difficulty of making money in porn, and part of the current marketing strategy involves having numerous products on the shelves. X-Play is also playing two sides of the field by releasing movies through distributors Adam & Eve as well as Hustler. But it seems that a company that can make such note-perfect parodies like "Not Married with Children" and "Not the Cosby Show" may have extended its reach this time; "Flight Attendants" did not need to be bad.

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John Madden’s Penis Delightfully Absent From “Not Monday Night Football XXX”

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Perhaps XPlay was concerned about offending fans? We personally would've been stoked to finally see Howard Cosell's little monkey.

Not Monday Night Football XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Angelina Armani, Lela Star, Sarah Vandella, Layla Rivera, Jaelyn Fox, Jessica Bangkok, Britney Stevens, Ashlyn Rae, Alyssa Reece, Topanga Fox, Ally Ann, Yurizan Beltran, Amia Miley, Tatum Pierce, Delila Darling, Cindy Jones, Mai Ly, Sophie Dee, Laci Laine, Rick Madrid, Billy Goodrich, Lee Bang, Evan Stone, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons, Eric John, Kris Slater

It's one thing to parody a sitcom, but parodying an American institution like Monday Night Football requires both a solid sense of humor as well as serious focus on fucking. The challenge for XPlay is even greater with this parody because there are no protagonists to ground the plot, and no classic conflicts to spice up with sex. As a result, "Not Monday Night Football XXX" features an amalgamation of sportscasting legends doing what makes them memorable.

Rick Madrid plays the staccato-voiced Howard Cosell, who commands the preview show that the film is based around. He is joined by John Madden, played by Billy Goodrich, who spends time with fans, draws on the telestrator, and pimps tough-actin' Tinactin.

True to life, celebrities stop by to plug their latest projects/remind us of their scandals. OJ Simpson has his future read (keep in mind this is the 80s OJ), causing the fortune teller to flee the scene. Bill Cosby (manned by the same Thomas Ward who starred in "Not The Cosbys XXX") shows up as well, followed by a furious Laci Laine who demands Cosby leave his wife for her.

Although these allusions provide amusing intermissions from sex, they feel more like piecemeal potshots and less like parodies of the events they reference. Poking fun at the gimmicky, self-serving habits of a major network is clever, but without a strong, over-arching plot to center the jokes, the parody becomes a gimmick itself.

And like most parody porn, there's a clear distinction between the amusing and the arousing. There was one instance of Madden using the telestrator to discuss his favorite things about Angelina Armani (boobs, eyes, long, flowing hair), but it would've been doubly as funny to see him narrate an instant replay, telestrating the path of Eric John's cock as four cheerleaders tackle him in the locker room. Perhaps a "BAM!" or two would've been appropriate.

But there really isn't much to complain about. The simple fact that seventeen girls cram into five separate scenes is a daunting feat. With such an enormous cast, one might wonder how parody prince Will Ryder manages to coach this dreamteam to glory.

The answer? Teamwork: four gals for every gent, and no one hits the sidelines when the action is on. There's no showboating, no ball hogging, and the fans go wild for every play (seriously, there's non-stop cheering). Also, since every sex scene features a POV moment, viewers at home get to feel like they're part of the team! The sportsmanship is simply awe-inspiring.

Of course, there are a few star players. Evan Stone and Angelina Armani have the only one-on-one scene as the legendary quarterback Manhattan Joe and some floozy. He helps her get her foot in the door as a sideline reporter, so she helps him get his cock in her mouth.

"Well if I'm gonna taste your cock," she says, "I want you to taste my pussy." See? Teamwork.

Also exciting is the fact that Yurizan Beltran has her first non-solo scene. Yurizan, Lela Star, Mai Ly, and Alyssa Reece get bored watching the game at home, so they decide to ditch the remote and grab the vibrators. Even though it's her first time, Yurizan gives it 110% and really goes deep. I sincerely hope she continues this sociable trend.

The general mindset for parody pornographers seems to be "What if this show had hardcore sex in it?" Unfortunately, the finished product presents the question "What if this hardcore sex had jokes near it?" And while it's smart to unite the eternally homosocial institutions of pornography and sports, it's important to make sure they play together well. Perhaps "Not Monday Night Football XXX" could've used a couple more scrimmages before hitting the field.

And now I'm out of football puns.

"The Sex Files" Helps Us Believe Again

Gram Ponante — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 11:30:01 EDT

Porn doesn't fly off the shelves anymore (unless it's HAUNTED), so parodies must stand on their own (if you can be expected to). We wanted to believe Kimberly Kane and Anthony Rosano in "The Sex Files," and we did.

The Sex Files

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Sam Hain
Cast: Kimberly Kane, Anthony Rosano, Ashlynn Brooke, Audrey Bitoni, Rod Fontana, Tyler Knight, Aurora Snow, Gracie Glam, Jackie Daniels, Tory Lane, Taylor Vixen, Angelica Raven, Evan Stone

Review by: Gram Ponante

Writer/director Sam Hain had a grand vision for this "dark" parody (which was, thankfully, not as dark as most Wicked movies).

"I wanted it to fit into a plot hole in 'The X Files' that lots of fans were talking about," he said. "We see Scully (played in the original show by dour, buttoned-down saucypants Gillian Anderson) leaving a room as she's adjusting her clothes, and inside we see Mulder ('The Rapture''s David Duchovny) on the bed."

Well, a season later, Scully was pregnant and the show that coincided with the birth of chatroom culture had a cliffhanger every bit as potent as "Who Shot J.R.?"

So Hain wrote this movie as a bit of geekery, plugging the plot hole as neatly as reams of fan fiction had Mulder and Scully plugging each other in space, in Navajo boxcars, ghost ships, and under the watchful eye of the Chupacabra.

"But I tried to make it organic to the original show," Hain said.

All right, Mr. Hain. We are convinced of your earnestness. But is there room in today's crowded marketplace for earnest porn?

"The Sex Files" (New Sensations received a cease and desist letter from Fox, breaking the porn studio's graceful string of parody titles unburdened by either "Not the" or "This Ain't") cold-opens with sultry pixie Ashlynn Brooke astride a grateful but nervous older man (Guy DaSilva, who is also getting some work as porn's "Barrack Obama"). She reassures him that he was just fine, but now she wants to try something kinky. The camera tactfully pans away as she rips him to shreds with her mouth.

Next we meet Mulder and Scully (Kimberly Kane and Anthony Rosano), two FBI agents inhabiting a dimly lit D.C. basement. They are sent to Los Angeles to investigate some grisly serial killings, but Mulder balks. It has little to do with his job description, working on cases that deal in the kooky and paranormal.

If you've seen "The X Files," you are already satisfied that Kane and Rosano are expertly cast, clothed, and coiffed, and Rod Fontana as their boss, Skinner, is also an apt substitute for Mitch Pileggi. In fact, Fontana/Skinner gets to do what Pileggi/Skinner didn't: fuck his secretary, Aurora Snow.

"It's getting hot in here," she says, removing some layers.

"Federal buildings' air conditioning," Fontana syas.

The triumph of this pornification of "The X Files" is that Hain gets the silence right as well as many of the details. Much of how long-term partners Scully and Mulder communicate is non-verbal. But the occasional flareups of wordy exposition, also characteristic of the original show, is handled just about deftly by the actors, who obviously had much more of a dialogue workout on this film than any other in their careers.

But the time this movie takes to reveal what other porn flicks feel behooved to get out of the way ASAP makes Kane's first nude scene (the lonely Mulder catches her coming out of the shower) electric.

"Sorry," stammers Mulder, averting his eyes. "Good night, Scully."

It turns out that Ashlynn Brooke is Lilith, an apocryphal Hebrew succubus summoned back to life (and Pasadena) by creepy sex magick practitioner Andrew Barsons (Ralph Long). As Mulder and Scully track Barsons' movements, Lilith devours leather-clad swingers Evan Stone and Audrey Bitoni.

She even eats Stone's balls.

You should boycott "The Sex Files" on principle if it did not feature a sex scene between Mulder and Scully, so luckily for everyone it does. And their climactic tryst doesn't arrive by some device like a dream sequence. We actually sense their longing for each other throughout the movie. It's, well, earnest.

Another selling point of this movie is how good it looks. Shot on the red digital camera, "The Sex Files" looks rich. And the color palette provided by a series of lush brunettes and the languid Kane give the movie a real beauty. Furthermore, Stone and Rosano provide plenty of eye candy for female and gay audiences, and the gore is all off-camera.

Kane and Rosano carry this movie, which was very carefully directed by Hain to allow for beats and stillness. Director of Photography Eddie Powell throws in a special effect that has never before been seen in porn, and we are left in the end with a real feeling of hope that bad shit will never again befall Mulder and Scully.

I wish for everyone involved that this movie could have been sold on those alt.xfiles BBS pages of yore and made ten times its budget back, but this movie is going up against some heavy hitters as we move into AVN nomination season.

Still, if you Trust No One other than me, you really should see "The Sex Files." You'll believe - in your pants!!!!

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AVN Adds Best Parody Category To Awards List

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 13:30:01 EDT

In a sign that porn parodies are here to stay, AVN has added a "Best Parody" category to their list of awards. Coming soon: awards for Best Parody Series, Best Parody Website, and Best MILF Parody. (avn.com, thumbnail)

Class Is In Session: "This Ain't Saved By The Bell XXX"

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:30:01 EDT

Summer's done, and school's back in session—and come October 6, the kids of Bayside High will be back for some very naughty adventures, courtesy of Hustler's "This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX."

Though the trailer doesn't give away much of the plot, we've heard rumors that Jessie Spano seduces a nerdy cohort through a lecture on saving the dolphins that segues into a lecture on proper cunnlingus technique. Yeah, that totally could have happened on the original show.

· Go Back to School with This Ain't Saved by the Bell XXX (hustlerworld.com)

"The Sex Files" Approaches...And We Can't Wait To Watch It

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:30:01 EDT

In just over a week, the wait will be over: "The Sex Files" (formerly known as "The X-Files: A XXX Parody") will be in stores, and all our Gillian Anderson fantasies will finally be realized (or so we assume).

How can we be so confident? Well, you might just say we've seen the trailer. And with a little ingenuity (and some clicking) on your part, you, too, can be on the fast track to sci-fi porno insiderdom. (Trailer above.)

· "The Sex Files - A Dark XXX Parody" (thesexfilesmovie.com)