Why Yes, We Think That Is A Good Look For The Military

Ulorin Vex (sexoteric.com)

In The Army Girl Now

It's a jungle out there—and by "there" we mean "the living room." Yes, camouflage has its benefits even in suburban environments, but the trick is that you have to keep the fatigues on your body. Once you start hiking up your skirt, it makes it much easier for predators to see you and then, well ... you know the rest. More »

Loose Lips Sink Ships

We were reminded today—by North Korea of all places—of one the biggest truths that all real military geniuses understand: Women make the best soldiers. Why is that? They're smart, resourceful, and can take a lot more pain that most men. Also, unlike men, they don't spill all of their nation's vital security secrets the moment someone unzips their pants. Training or no training, most guys don't last long under this level of interrogation. Maybe dudes do a little better when it comes to blowing stuff up, but for on-the-ground intelligence, the best man for the job is usually not a man at all. More »

Hey there, Zabrina Aamir. We try not to get too crass around these parts, but we just have to tell you what nice bazookas you have. (Oh, and that heavy weapon you're toting is pretty impressive too.) (gallery @ dachix.com)

How can we bring troops home from Iraq faster? Apparently, we just need to send them all porn, because that will get them kicked out of the country. Seems like an unusual strategy, but it's just crazy enough to work. (bostonmagazine.com)

Flesh Flicks: You're In The Anal Now

We have never understood the army's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. If someone in your unit were having forbidden sex—gay, straight, or otherwise—wouldn't you want to know all the details? After all, everyone loves a man or woman in uniform—and putting all those sexy soldiers together on one base is just begging for trouble. The stories some of those drill sergeants could tell must be legendary. But sometimes it's probably just easier to just record the moment, upload it to the internet, and hope that someone stumbles across it. That way, you don't have to say anything. More »

Flesh Flicks: Army Fatigue

OK, enough of this girly stuff—it's time to butch this place up! Maybe some nice combat porn will make us feel tough and manly again? No more droning on about relationships or feelings or fruity sissy drinks will be permitted on this site for the rest of the day. (Well, maybe one frozen daiquiri would be nice ... but only if the ice is hard.) And remember: no smiling during the sex scenes, either. That should teach everyone who wears the pants around here. (Er, not that anyone was asking. But still!) More »

Australians are scandalized that London-based Australian Bollywood actress (how does that work?) Tania Zaetta may have cheered up Aussie troops in Afghanistan by boning a few of them when she visited their base. (She probably didn't, but it makes for good gossip.) Didn't they get the "support the troops" memo? (afp.google.com)

U.S. soldiers are mounting protests to fight the proposed ban on Playboy, Penthouse, and other girlie mags at base stores. Since they're also fighting to give the rest of us the right to stay at home and jerk off, don't you think we should return the favor? (stripes.com, via avn.com)

Behind The Iron Smut Curtain: A Peek At East Germany's Military Porn

We ordered you to bring us footage from the vaults of the East German military's secret porn stash ... and fortunately a good and loyal citizen who is not afraid to inform on fellow internet residents has obeyed our wishes. We will be sure to mention this in our report to the commandant. The rest of you should think about your commitment to our glorious state more closely as you check out this Dutch* Danish news report with selected outtakes from the Stasi porn files we mentioned last week. We can't understand a word that's being said (translations are welcome in the comments), but we have learned two things. 1) these films are much better than anything created by a communist-funded propaganda arm should be and 2) Dutch* Danish news programs are way cooler than ours are. More »

East Germany's Military Porn Factory Had Ways Of Making You Fap

Researchers combing through the Cold War era files of the East German secret police in Berlin have uncovered a startling new secret about the military powerhouse that struck fear into the hearts of Western Europeans for decades—they loved their porn. In fact, they didn't just watch it ... they made it! Lots of it. Even though porn was officially outlawed under the Communist regime, in the 1980s an army base in Biesdorf became a de facto porn studio with over 160 East German soldiers and officers directing, shooting and even starring in hardcore porn films that were shown at parties for the Army's top brass. But now their dirty secret is out, and German TV has even broadcast a few scenes (clips please, German readers!) proving that the German Democratic Republic (which was neither Democratic nor a Republic; discuss) was better at spying on its people than fucking them. But was it better than "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS?" We're going to need more double agents to know for sure. More »

In what sounds like the setup of a bad porn flick, combat pilots in the Israeli air force may soon be taking Viagra to improve their performance ... in the air. We'd make a joke about the Mile High Club, but that's too easy. (An "Assraelis" joke, on the other hand ...) (afp.google.com)

Flesh Flicks: Unconventional Warfare

Why is this soldier running away from his enemy (and choosing to hide in someone's basement rec room?) Not only does he make himself incredibly easy to find, he has no choice but to give in to his pursuer once cornered. On the other hand, she is clearly not interested in gunning him down and even upon capture, her interrogation/torture techniques are downright civilized. If these procedures for dealing with enemy combatants aren't protected by the Geneva Convention, they definitely should be. More »

Flesh Flicks: Crash And Burn

No, that's not a Sleestak—that's a fighter pilot who has crash landed into someone's living room tent fortress with a trusted wingwoman. As you know, standard Air Force protocol in such stranded situations is to pretend you're on a picnic and start fucking, lest any enemy combatants discover your position and think that you're trying to do something else with their airspace. On another note, this video is totally refutes the long held theory that Top Gun is really about gay pilots who are secretly in love with each other. Or does it? More »

Officials from the Royal Australian Navy are being called in to answer questions about their policy of taxpayer-funded breast enlargements for female sailors. We have some questions of our own and most of them can be answered with a few choice photographs. (telegraph.co.uk)

Make Porn Love, Not War

Leave it to the Italians to turn a war zone into an over-the-top fashion shoot ... or is it vice versa? The latest issue of Vogue Italia features a spread from photographer Steven Meisel that is part art project, part political protest, and all high-end designer advertising. (And a reminder of why European fashion mags are better than ours.) It's also sort of like a historical experiment, because it seems like a pretty accurate representation of what would happen if a bunch of Eurobabe models moved into a U.S. Army barracks and shunned the olive drab uniforms for couture dresses—or nothing at all, as the case may be. No matter what you think of our current foreign policy "situation," it would probably be much more pleasant for the soldiers to spend their days lounging in the dirt with leggy babes than dodging bullets. Or do you hate our troops? More »

Some conservative anti-porn groups are a little miffed that the Defense Department still allows nudie mags to be sold on Army bases. Why do Focus on the Family and the spookily-named Alliance Defense Fund hate our troops? (citizenlink.org)

Arabs and Jews may have finally discovered the common ground that could unite their cultures and end the conflict in the Middle East—Israeli female soldier porn. Blessed are the peacemakers. (ynetnews.com)

Defending Israel's Honor ... With Hot Chicks

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Wet Spots: Your Wish Is Not Granted

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