It remains to be seen whether Red Light District can carry off a porn parody with the style and grace of, say, X-Play or new Sensations—but even if the film's a totally flop, we're glad to see Mary Carey back in action again (we missed you, Mary!).

(Though she might want to steer away from mocking Dr. Drew in the future. Not that we're superstitious or anything, but it seems rather coincidental that Penny Flame starred in this feature...and then signed up for "Celebrity Rehab" and retired from performing in porn. Clearly, the man has some sort of supernatural powers.)

· Mary Carey Pokes Fun at VH1 in 'Celebrity Pornhab With Dr. Screw' (avn.com)
· Dr. Drew Gets Screwed in 'Celebrity Pornhab' (tmz.com)
· Thumbnail via KellyFind (kellyfind.com)

Daniels, who is making a stangely not altogether quixotic run for the U.S. Senate, could have used her porn superstar status to call the movie "Stormented" but she is humble, so she did not.

She and Starr donned getups reminiscent of Tom Petty videos and Mad Hatter's (played by Austrian Mick Blue) Tea Parties for this segment, which serves as a fever dream Stormy's character has while in the Crazy Hospital.

Daniels is herself petite, but Starr looked microscopic by comparison.

"You look like a trial size," Stormy said.

The Wicked Pictures set in North Hollywood was festooned with storybook props, all of which were solid and unyielding. Hard to fuck on, in other words.

But the woman who might some day be known in Senate parlance as The Lady from Louisiana took it in stride. "I'm pretty tough," she said.

Yes, you are. We have a feeling you'll go a lot farther in politics than Mary Carey did.

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)

10. Taylor Rain

9. Sunny Leone

8. Belladonna

7. Brittney Skye

6. Eva Angelina

5. Mary Carey

4. Briana Banks

3. Jesse Jane

2. Jenna Haze

1. Tera Patrick

· Fame Registry (fameregistry.com)

. . .

The latest of porn's attempts to marry the pageantry of wrestling to the domain of fake internal popshots, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling," like its predecessors bankrolled by Extreme Associates and Sin City in the late '90s and early oughts, has realized that the flimsy high concept storytelling of porn has been used in wrestling for generations.

But unlike its forebears, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" throws a little more sex the audience's way, performed by the likes of Kendra Secrets and Chyanne Jewel, who would be R. Crumb's powerful-legged heroines if he ever switched jobs with Vince McMahon.

How it works is this: actual wrestlers with their standard backstories (stole my belt, slept with my girlfriend, etc.) intersperse "legitimate" matches in a sparsely populated hall with wrestling grudge-related sex scenes between the aforementioned pornstresses and people like Evan Stone and Lee Stone. So, for example, Craig Valentine gets back at wrestling rival Evan Stone by showing a video of himself fucking Kendra Secrets.

"Beat that pussy up," Secrets says.

"Make sure when you kiss her on the lips," Valentine says to Stone, "you say hello to my kids, because they're hanging off her chin."

You get the idea.

This series has promise, but it was inevitable that it did not live up to its hype. I get a couple of press releases every week for this, and to watch the poorly rehearsed and scripted video, where viewers can hear each audience member clapping (there seem to be about ten), seems like kids' exercises in putting on "skits" for the new video camera, circa 1986.

Free of any real direction, the hammiest performers do well. Enter Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy. Stone knows this is a laugh, and we hope he got his day rate. He shows up in armor, for example.

Making the moves on "Vampire Warrior"'s girlfriend, Chyanne, Stone reveals that "on the road, wrestlers talk."

Jeremy, as a color commentator opposite a wrestler named Angelo "A Train," works his ass off like a Poconos comedian in a tough room.

The room itself appears to be a massive Florida strip club, rented for a couple of days.

Staying true to the pro-wrestling format of betrayal and vendetta, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" to its credit fills the disc with several sex scenes and plenty of wrestling, as well as interstitial exposition of why everyone is so mad at each other. Some people are cheap, others introduced their former friends' daughters to porn, etc. Like watching wrestling without sex, it gets confusing to follow the storlyline sometimes.

While Mary Carey and Tyler Faith are in the movie, they do not show up in sex scenes. Those go to Secrets, Keeanie Lei, and Jessica Haze.

As a porn flick, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" could have stood some improvement, but I say with all honesty that if you like professional wrestling, you will like this movie.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Not Rated Pro Wrestling
Studio: New Porn Order
Director: Craig Valentine
Cast: Matt Bateman, Snakemaster Abudadene, Blackheart, Pablo Marquez, Loaded Cash, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, Billy Blade, Annie Social, Buff Bagwell, Misty, Lee Stone, Keeanie Lei, Mary Carey, Doc Rivers, Mr. Montana, Tyler Faith, Jessica Haze, Vampire Warrior, Too Cold Scorpio, Evan Stone, Craig Valentine, Chyanne Jewel, Dick Fitzwell, "Knockout" Nikki, All the Money, Ron Jeremy, A Train

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)
· Buy "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" (gamelink.com)

The NRPW also stages live events —with all the sweat but none of the penetration—for the public.

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)

. . .

· "Mary Carey" (Megarotic)

* * * * *

Previously: Flesh Flicks Archives

All right, Mary, but why?

"... Because my grandmother had breast cancer," Carey told noted gentlemen's magazine Reuters. Just so you don't think Carey has pulled a Jenna Jameson, the former California gubernatorial candidate just replaced the smaller models with 36DDD ones.

· "Porn star politician auctions breast implants" (reuters.co)
· Buy Mary Carey's breast implants (ebay.com)

Previously: Good Deeds Archive