Unlike her predecessors, Kim's not hyping Carl's burgers, though. No, this video is all about the sex appeal of salad...and if you ask us, eating greens has never looked sexier.

· Kim Kardashian - New Grilled Chicken Salads at Carl's Jr. (youtube.com)

Not surprisingly, most of the women who landed on the list have, at one time or another, posed in some state of undress (that's how we know they're hot!). You'll have to buy Penthouse if you want to actually see their tribute to these WAGs...but we still managed to dig up some pretty sexy photos of the ladies who made the list. Take a gander below—and let us know who you're glad to see on the list (and who was unfairly left off).

1. Vida Guerra (Jeremy Shockey, TE, New Orleans Saint)

2. Carmella DeCesare (Jeff Garcia, QB, Oakland Raiders )

3. Kim Kardashian (Reggie Bush, RB, New Orleans Saint)

4. Brande Roderick (Cade McNown, QB, Chicago Bears)

5. Heather Kozar (Tim Couch, QB, Cleveland Browns)

6. Jennifer Walcott (Adam Archuleta, S, St. Louis Rams)

7. Kendra Wilkinson (Hank Baskett, WR, Philadelphia Eagles)

8. Jessica Simpson (Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys)

9. Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots)

10. Mercedes Lindsay (Jason Campbell, QB, Washington Redskins)

· Penthouse (penthouse.com)
· List via Nudography (nudography.com)

Did you keep that straight? Good, because now there's a lawsuit in the mix, too. Apparently, Ms. Kardashian is none too pleased with Hustler making a pornmockery of her popular reality show—and the folks at E! aren't too pleased either. (See people? This is why you should only make porn spoofs about shows that are long past dead.)

Only time will tell how all this legal whatnot will turn out, but at least there's one thing we can be certain of: "Keeping It Up For The KardASSians" will, without a doubt, be leaps and bounds better than "Kim Kardashian, Superstar." Not that that's high praise—we've seen nature films that were more sexy than Kim's brief turn in the adult industry.

· "KardASSians" Porno Rubs Kim the Wrong Way (tmz.com)

Say what you will about her reality show or her skills as her porn performer, but you can't deny that the girl has one amazing ass. And for that alone, we will always, always love her.

· Mine and Reggie's first photo shoot together in GQ! (kimkardashian.celebuzz.com)
· Pics, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush Almost Naked for GQ (aceshowbiz.com)

. . .

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

. . .

Kim Kardashian

Claire Danes

Paulina Rubio

Rosario Dawson

Helen Mirren

Britney Spears

Ashley Tisdale

Cora Skinner

Laura Vandervoort

Audrina Patridge

. . .

But the dusky beauty has more spirit, and we couldn't help thinking about Kim Kardashian and her own sex tape when viewing this vastly superior film. In fact, filmmakers (coincidentally) delivered a product more akin to the Kim Kardashian TV show than her sex tape. Bonus: a "That's Hot"-spouting Nikki Benz. (Come to think of it, this picture looks more like a porn ripoff of "Gia".)

· Venom VOD (venomvod.com)
· Buy "Getting it Up with the KardASSians" (tlavideo.com)

Check out some of the moments that kept our jobs interesting this year after the jump.

. . .

10

Not Meg White
Sometimes the best sex scandals are the ones that aren't true. Did White Stripes rhythm section Meg White really bang some college student in his dorm and let him film it? Does it even matter?

9

Britney's Downward Spiral, Stage 3
So ... um ... yeah ... that happened. Moving on ...

8

Hayden's Barely Legal Year
Another hot young babe had her "it's no longer creepy" party, to be followed next year by her "whatever happened to?" fiesta (i.e., her 19th birthday).

7

Everybody's Preggers!
Salma. Christina. Halle. Jessica. J-Love. Jaime-Lynn? (No comment on that one.) Everyone seems to have forgone the sexy on-camera Hollywood screwing for the private, baby-making kind. On the plus side, bigger boobs are always nice.

6

Anything Sienna Miller Does. Ever.
Seriously, we're not sure if this gal even owns a shirt, much less knows how to wear one, but we're just glad that her dedication to the cause of the celebrity nudity is so strong and vital.

5

Amy Fisher Understands A Good Press Event
Step aside, all you amateur scandalebrities: let a real tabloid veteran show you how it's done!

4

Natalie Portman's Ass
Better in theory than in iPod-quality practice, but any chance to see Ms. Portman sans culottes is a chance we're never going to pass up.

3

Kim Kardashian: Superstar?
The Paris Hilton "famous for being famous while having sex" phenomenon comes full circle, as her former sidekick parlays her fame by association into a TV show, a Playboy shoot and the worst Vivid video of all time. But at least she's not shy.

2

Vanessa Hudgens' Graduation Gift
Even gay men agree: don't send your high school musical boyfriend full-frontal nudie pics unless you're absolutely sure he can be trusted to not share them with all his friends Planet Earth. (P.S. You can't.)

1

Vanessa and Nick's Excellent Adventure
While they are not the biggest names on this list, the Mexican hot tub dance between pseudo-celebrities Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo was quite possibly our biggest story of the year. We hope that had more to do with the revelation of Vanessa's generous bush than Nick's pained o-face, but the moral, as always, is that watching famous people do dirty things is a terrific way to pass the time.

* * * * *

Honorable Mention: Sharon Stone's Outrageous Cameltoe, Marisa Tomei Wakes The Dead, and Mr. Skin's Top 20 Nude Scenes Of 2007

Read our review after the gap.

- - -

Stood Up

Studio: Vivid
Director: B Skow
Cast: Savanna Samson, Bob Levy, Lanny Barby, Moni Michaels, Kimberly Kane, Penny Flame, Kimberly Franklin, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Lee Stone

Review by Gram Ponante

This pornolized account of comedian "Reverend" Bob Levy's rise to semi-stardom is a searing documentary about the bitterness of the standup road warrior masquerading as a porn movie.

Told in flashbacks to a fan, Stood Up is probably the movie Howard Stern would like to have made about him, but Levy had the idea first.

Levy plays himself as the narrator, but in flashback scenes, such as the one in which a younger Levy meets his agent, played by Savanna Samson, Tommy Gunn takes over Levy duties. Samson and Gunn fuck in the green room after a gig. She looks fantastic, and the production doesn't skimp on giving Gunn a little time in front of the microphone at a dingy club.

Levy tells his fan that the agent went on to get him a series of crappy gigs, including a bachelor party at which he is assaulted by a brute named Andy (Lee Stone) who horns in on Levy's strippers, but not before confiscating a bag containing Levy's act, which consists of "a bunch of nursey rhymes".

We are meant to believe that this was Andrew Dice Clay, and Stone does a good job impersonating him. Then he fucks Lanny Barby. Breasts like Barby's didn't exist in 1982, but who cares?

At a Long Island Jewish wedding reception in 1985, Jerry the waiter (James Deen) sneaks a look at the script Levy has written, a sitcom pilot "about nothing". Levy is onstage telling the guests how cheap they are. Meanwhile Jerry takes advantage of the JAPpy Penny Flame in a very hot scene. Even if the rest of the movie is not to be believed, we can at least feel that Deen and Flame really like each other.

I'll say it again: Penny Flame in a yellow summer dress is awesome. The "Jewish" ad-libbing of the wedding guests, however, about money, diamonds, real estate, and lawyers, seemed like jokes from another time (Oh yeah - it was supposed to be 1985). But a mainstream movie would not allow this sort of humor. Not because porn is the last bastion of free speech, but because the jokes were old.

Despite what appears to be ten years of bad bookings, Levy still retains his manager until a disastrous 1992 show in a Georgia roadhouse, where his "You know you're a hillbilly" routine is copied by someone who looks like Jeff Foxworthy. Levy and Samson get into it backstage.

"Hack!" Samson says.

"Cum Bucket," Levy responds. "I should knock you the fuck out."

Levy himself is knocked out by hillbilly Evan Stone, who proceeds to entice girlfriend Kimberly Kane and Savanna back to his motor home. This leads to another funny scene, this time about Stone's "girth".

This is a movie you should watch so I won't give away the ending; I'll just say that bad things keep happening to Levy.

Stood Up is Vivid firing on all cylinders. It is just the type of stuff they should be doing, and that they do well. Everybody looks good in it.

Except for Levy. While Levy is made to look like the victim throughout the movie, his banter and short routines are all of that late 80's/early 90's abusive standup style, which makes the parts of the movie Levy is not in classier than the parts he is. Obviously a talented guy, it is sad that he is upstaged in his own movie. But how could he not be? Penny Flame in a yellow dress, and then out of it, beats cheap Jew jokes every time.

As far as celebrity porn movies, though, Levy puts on a better show than Snoop did.

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Stood Up" (gamelink.com)

Join us after the gap for a harrowing look at porn hype vs. movie sales.

- - -

I talked with representatives of several online DVD and VOD retailers, as well as clerks from three L.A. area video stores. None was comfortable giving her/his name because of the complex business relationships their companies have with studios.

"A lot of the smaller movies that come out, the ones that have a lot of pre-release hype in the adult press, don't sell shit," said a store clerk from downtown L.A. "The adult industry is a bubble and (it's) disconnected from the consumers."

He said walk-in customers tend to buy a lot of edgy Anabolic videos, Evil Angel's "The Fashionistas" ("but not the second one") and Digital Playground's "Pirates".

"We sold two copies of 'Britney Rears'," he said, "but AVN said that it was 'Hustler's highest-grossing film.'"

"We didn't sell many copies of that at all," agreed an east coast e-tailer. "The press would have you think differently."

An employee at a California e-tailer says, "You know who sells? Tera Patrick and Belladonna. And they will sell for years. The movies they're in almost don't matter. Consumers respond to the personality."

She added that porn stars are so accessible on MySpace and their own websites that their movies are almost an afterthought.

Belladonna recently told me that, more often than not, people comment on her Behind-the-Scenes featurettes rather than her movies.

"The movies might not be who I am," she said, "but the BTS stuff usually is."

Jenna Jameson is another person consumers think they know, and who industry wags think they know better.

"You read that she's too skinny, she's getting vaginoplasty, her business is falling apart," said the manager of a store in North Hollywood. "Let me tell you something: Jenna is doing fine. The people who buy her videos aren't the ones reading the websites that attack her."

I subscribe to the belief that actual porn consumers - the people who buy DVDs - don't make it a habit to read "adult insider" blogs.

I forwarded to a store clerk a press release I'd received for the upcoming "Britney Rears" spinoff, "J-Ho", which detailed star Renae Cruz' non-existent trip to the White House.

"We had to show our permits and insurance paperwork multiple times for every location here in D.C., and if it wasn't an officer in a golf cart it was somebody riding up on a horse but the Secret Service at the White House knew everything about us as soon as we arrived including some personal information which showed they certainly did their homework", stated (director) Ryder (who also wrote the press release).

The east coast portion of the production took place in and around various Washington, D.C. national landmarks but was highlighted by J-Ho's visit 'to meet the president' in what could be one of the wildest and wackiest porn movies ever produced.

"One of the Secret Service Agents at the White House wanted to know when he could see video clips and pictures from the movie on the internet. I think he wanted to see me totally naked right there because he asked if he could take me on a personal one-on-one tour", Cruz remarked. "He was really cute but unfortunately he ended up being totally professional".

"Would you buy that?" I asked the store clerk.

"Yawn," she said. "Only if it has Jesse Jane in it."

* * * * *

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive