Fleshbot: straight, heroes

Naked G.I. Joe Babes: Knowing Is Half The Battle

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 12:48:40 EST

Since "Transformers" was such a cinematic tour de force certain to win upwards of 15 or 16 Academy Awards for awesomeness, it's only natural that Hollywood would take more of our precious childhood memories and exploit them: we just learned that G.I. Joe, he of the tribe of little plastic guys we used to bury in the sandbox and catapult across the driveway with firecrackers, is being turned into a live action movie. If that didn't make us ~~sad~~ psyched enough, imagine our glee at finding out that the evil temptress, The Baroness, is being played by the nippletastic Sienna Miller.

It may seem like an odd casting choice, but given Sienna's recent track record and the fact that Baroness was responsible for some of our first pre-adolescent "funny feelings," there's a pretty solid chance that this PG adventure could become a R-rated skinflick. Inspired by this news, we decided to seek out what we assumed would be a wealth of G.I. Joe babe fan art and hardcore fantasy fiction, except ... there isn't any. We know the mythology is a little dude heavy, but you're going to tell us that no one on the web has ever thought to dramatize a Scarlett-on-Snake Eyes-on-Destro threeway? Yet, outside of those silly "remixes" and this study of Joe's anatomically incorrect behind, there ain't much there.

We'll still share what little we found, but come on, folks! We'd expect this lack of ambition from fans of M.A.S.K. but not the Real American Hero! We just hope that this outtake of Flint and Lady Jaye double-teaming Baroness in a pool of butterscotch pudding doesn't end up on the cutting room floor.

· Flint and Baroness (YouTube)
· The Women of G.I. Joe Naked! (shesocrazy.com)
· Baroness Doing Cobra Commander's Laundry (myconfinedspace.com)
· G.I.J.O.E.????? (alistairbooya.blogspot.com)
· GI Joe? No! GI T.S.O.! (3-116thsniper.blogspot.com)

Sports Blogger Explains The Birds And Bees

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 16:27:05 EST

There's been a lot of media talk the last couple days about that research paper claiming that teenagers who have consensual sex are less likely to be become juvenile delinquents. Of course, not satisfied with the opinions of child psychologists and criminal justice experts, the fine folks at Fox News' Red Eye could only turn to the one true authority on deviant teenage behavior, Deadspin Editor and noted sexologist Dr. Will Leitch. Our only question: Is becoming a successful Gawker Media blogger an argument for or against holding on to your virginity?

· Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld (foxnews.com)

Meet the guy who supplies Ireland with nearly...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 11:15:12 EDT

Meet the guy who supplies Ireland with nearly all its sex toys and porn. They say no man is an island, but this guy comes pretty close. (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)

Pole Dancing For America

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 13:31:58 EDT

The longest-running feud in adult entertainment is between feminists who believe that prostitution, stripping and porn degrades women and keeps them subjugated to the male-dominated hierarchy ... and the other feminists who believe that taking control of your sexual agency is emotionally and financially empowering. (Everyone else just wants to see boobies.) You can probably figure out which side of the line uber-American Stephen Colbert is on after watching this salute to a true hero of the movement: pole dance instructor Johnna Mink. We realize this has been floating around the web for a week now, but we believe that when a heartwarming story like this comes along, you should run it up as many poles as you can and see who salutes.

- - -

· Difference Makers: Johnna Mink (comedycentral.com)

Keeley Hazell: Eco-Warrior!

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:55:45 EST

Obviously, we've been crushing on Keeley Hazell pretty hard for a while now (maybe you noticed?), but after hearing this latest news about our favorite Page Three girl of all time we think we just might be in love for real: not only is she beautiful and buxom and has that adorable accent, she is singlehandedly going to save the planet! If you don't believe us, just ask UK Conservative Party leader David Cameron, who recently named Keeley one of his top 10 "environment heroes"—alongside such notables as Sir David Attenborough, Prince Charles, and Mr. Global Warming himself, Al Gore—thanks to her brave stand on energy consumption that was published in The Sun (next to one of her trademark topless photo, natch) last fall. She's also traded in her car for a high-mileage scooter, buys only organic food, and lights her apartment exclusively with energy-saving bulbs when not enforcing her nighttime "candlelight-only" policy. (Rowr!) Her boobs aren't just spectacular to look at, they're a force for good—and we know that as long as the planet is clutched tightly to Keeley's caring breast, then Mother Earth is well protected indeed.

· "Page Three Girl becomes face of green movement" (independent.co.uk - thanks Ian)
· Green Week: Keeley Hazell's ten green tips (thesun.co.uk, 10/06)

Previously: How To Buy A Green Sex Toy, More Fucking for Forest, pFARM: Biotech Fetish Farming, Happy Earth Day, Fleshbot's Exhaustive Keeley Hazell Coverage