Other than that, well, the Enspiral Vibrating Love Glove was a disappointment.

What you're supposed to do is insert your (erect? not erect? it didn't say) self into the glove, pump the attached blood pressure-style inflation ball, and oscillate the vibration control up and down.

Not a fan of employing a device that would add steps to a familiar process, I still gamely thought, "Hey: Leatherface," found two AA batteries from that useless HD-DVD player remote, and slipped some of me into the glove.

I quickly realized I had one fewer hand than necessary to pump, oscillate, and keep the contraption from falling off.

I noticed, too, that the glove was kind of small. Does it roll down further? I wondered.

Nope, it falls off and you have to reattach it to the base.

And what about the pump? The air tube comes in two parts and constantly detached. When it was held in place with a fourth hand, it failed to pump.

Trying to use this thing was more frustrating, I'd think, than the reason one would seek to use this thing. Maybe that's the idea? To help lonely men feel better about their loneliness? I don't know how single people do it.

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)

Introduced in 2006 (I guess it got lost in the mail), the Talking Head is your standard-issue rotating beads/clit rabbit/simulo-penis vibrator with a secret: it's got a 32 MB hard drive and a speaker so that one can play REO Speedwagon's "Take It on the Run" whilst diddling oneself or a loved one.

Not only that, but Heathcliff can also record a special message for Cathy on the vibrator and then go walking on the windy moors - he doesn't even have to be in the same farmhouse with her.

The Talking Head comes with a rather tinny external speaker as well as a set of earbuds. When plugged into the headphone jack at the base of the vibrator, the sound is as good as an iPod.

In fact, the Talking Head is an excellent jogging mp3 player, considering the iPod is not easy to carry but everyone knows how to hold on to a cock. Am I right??

To listen to my special message to young lovers everywhere, click here.

· Talking Head Vibrator (erosboutique.com)

Allanah Starr is truly America's Transsexual and fully deserving of this massive Cyberskin fauxjob mouth. But what, other than the fact that this is no dainty little mouth on a stalk, identifies it as a transsexual mouth?

I think the traditional tranny story, passed down through the ages, goes something like this: Man meets hot prospect at a bar, they go back to his place, date asks for anal, Man happily complies, dawn reveals date has morning wood. Yes, it is a delightful bit of Americana, first revealed in an early draft of Lincoln's second inaugural speech. But can the same thing happen to someone like me, rifling through his cabinets looking for Bree Olson's mouth and then - but only after - realizing the shocking tranny truth?

And you thought you knew all there was to know about the crying game.

Allanah Starr's Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker is a substantial piece of work, proud, and impossible to conceal in a little Hello Kitty backpack. The package comes with lube and a delicious sense of foreboding.

· Buy Allanah Starr's Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker (69adulttoys.com)
· Allanah Starr will try anything once (gramponante.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

By now you've learned how Cyberskin feels and the strangely pleasant blub-blub sound Cyberskin toys make when you squeeze, slap, or fuck them. But not until this moment could you see your own parts smushed within their recesses. You might even become mesmerized by your own skills and forget to ejaculate while waiting for the subway.

Not some mold of a starlet's vagina (unless that vagina is the Brain Bug from "Starship Troopers"), the Cyberskin Ice Action-View Pussy Stroker is entirely what you make of it - not to mention in it.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy the Cyberskin Ice Action-View Pussy Stroker (tlavideo.com)

· Evasive Angles (evasiveangles.com)
· Buy "Mama Turned Me Out 3" (gamelink.com)

"It looks like what they do with a cell phone tower when they try to make it look like a palm tree," said an interested observer of the floppy rubber sleeve ending with a more turgid penis facsimile. "You can tell something's not right but you're not sure what."

The feeling of tightness was not unpleasant, but it soon became clear that the Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension would require some handling if the sensation weren't to be like trying to write with a broken pencil.

I will not include a picture of myself sporting this thing, as my job is to write about sex, not inspire it.

So, holding on tight to the space between where I ended and the Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension began, I guided the vessel into the interested observer and she sort of dug it, my being suddenly mixed-race and all. I felt like I was reversing the Bradley Effect every moment I was in there. But it was more work for me despite her enjoyment and - full but reluctant disclosure - the pudendum addendum, while longer, was not actually thicker. So it was like I was poking her with San Francisco's Transamerica Building.

The overall effect was like jerking off in a sleeve while where I wanted to be was four inches away, which was very porny.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy "Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension" (gamelink.com)

· Digital Playground Releases Cover Art for "Pirates II" (digitalplayground.com)

Florida's Nightmoves Magazine, a respected stripper publication, and performer Courtney Cummz are teaming up with Tampa lawyer Brandon Kolb for the first-ever seminar, which promises to address the casting couch as well as "the legalities from experienced adult entertainment Attorneys."

Participants will actually shoot a porn scene with Cummz' guidance by the end of the seminar. Talent will be provided by a local casting agency, TandA Management.

We were concerned that no one from the number listed on the website answered our calls during business hours and that there was no mention of what the seminar would cost, but we reassured ourselves that porn really is about promise rather than delivery.

In any case, it's got to be better than Kate Capshaw's "SpaceCamp."

· Porn Camp Seminars (porncampseminars.com)
· Courtney Cummz (courtneycummz.com)

* * * * *

Previously: "Breaking Into Porn": You Think It's Easy Banging Hot Chicks For A Living?

Read more after the gap.

We would be turning this five-year-old web enterprise into an awkwardly-coded php Fibfest if we said we actually found someone to test this thing. But rest assured we will spend the rest of our lives trying, and will provide you with pictures.

But for now let's imagine the possibilities of this device, which couldn't even fit in the cabinet that we lock our unmentionables in so that the cleaning staff won't know what we do for a living. You can use the Doubleteamer to:

• Stir large drinks
• Attach an Obama or McCain placard
• Mutually masturbate - with a vengeance - two girlfriends
• Use as a pestle in the world's sexiest pharmacy
• Sit next to you at Thanksgiving dinner to ensure an uninterrupted meal

While we are sure there are other, larger double dongs out there (they're called trees), none is so imperfectly frank as the black and white models of the Doubleteamer, nor are any as easily confused with an instrument of God's wrath. Put that in your vagina^TM.

· Rascal Doubleteamer (channel1releasing.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

You know how many scenes are shot in Porn Valley every day? 10 million scenes. That documentation of this particular pairing has been around for (now almost) four years, compiled and recompiled from its original appearance in "Ass Slaves 2" to releases like "X Rated" and now "Anal Bandits 5" is a testament to the enduring legacy of 2004. In fact, this scene has outlived the house with the mirrored floor it was shot in (as well it should have).

This is probably the best picture ever.

I guess this wasn't really necessary, or ever a nice touch, but - well, yeah. That about sums it up: it wasn't really necessary.

Vespoli puts her hand on her ass so you don't have to. But we want to.

· Metro (metrointeractive.com)
· Buy "X Rated" (gamelink.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Photoplay Archive

Learn more about working on a sex farm after the jump.

Huntington Beach's Extreme Restraints carries a lot of things folk have adapted for bedroom shenanigans that are now in use in other disciplines, including ranching, such as the Large Shock Prod.

The company buys the zapper from veterinary supply outlets as the Magic Shock Prod.

"So the actual name of this product sounds pornier than te one you've given to it?" I asked the warehouse manager.

"Yes."

"And you haven't gussied it up with cyberskin and pretty ribbons?" I probed.

"Nope. There's someone using one of those on a farm right now."

The $86 prod takes four "C" batteries (included!) and delivers a jolt that really gets one moving - at sex time or any time!^TM

"What might also go in the gift set?" I asked.

"Well, the Humbler is good for that," he said, explaining the Dark Ages-vintage ball-squeezing device. "You get someone in the Humbler, he doesn't get up fast, so you have more of an opportunity to zap him."

· Extreme Restraints (extremerestraints.com; buy the Large Shock Prod here)
· Large Animal Health (thestockmarketcountrystore.com)

* * * * *

Previously: MATK Archive

"I fought with the studio to give the audience credit to figure out the Espanol by themselves," director/star Depth did not say when we didn't interview him, "but they decided to do the safe thing. At least Fleshbot readers know a big ass when they see one."

· Juicy Entertainment (xxxjuicy.com)
· Buy "Que Culo Grande (What a Big Ass)" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive

Not familiar with sex toy lore (our loremaster is having his futon reupholstered), we were confused as to why this sort of device, which at best resembles a rabbit foot or perhaps a porpoise, is called a rabbit. More than anything the Climax Rabbits look like a frank outcropping of jello from an even franker dessert.

One AA battery powers this 4" toy, with the standard twist bottom to manipulate speeds.

Our test subject, a friend from college who likes to watch striking writers from her office at a Hollywood studio, said that this vibrator is perfect for her fashionable handbag.

"I can get one off under the desk without my boss knowing being the wiser," she said.

"You were never that quiet in college," we pointed out.

"I was faking then," she said.

Oh snap!

On closer inspection, the Climax Rabbits toy is actually molded to depict a hare with his ears flattened. All right. That makes sense. But why is the product named plurally? I don't drive a Honda Accords. Regardless, it is pink and translucent which, according to the copy on the packaging, "sheds light on ecstasy."

Maybe that's why we broke up; I didn't shine enough light on ecstasy.

· Buy a Climax Rabbit (dearlady.com)
· Topco (topcosales.us)

* * * * *

Previously: MATK Archive

Speaking of clarity through perspective, it seems like history will reveal that a lot of novel ideas eventually wound up draped around someone's nads. What might Betsy Ross have done with the flagpole? Did the team that invented the Saturn V rocket use figure models? Did the guy who came up with Marmite ever stick his cock in it? We have no doubt that the minds behind transcutaneal nerve stimulation (TENS) hardware devoted at least some thought to peen electrification.

It is mistakenly believed that the cock ring is shaft-centric, when in fact it can also be used (and is primarily used) at the base of the testicles. So imagine first a thin ring around that area and then imagine shooting some voltage through it. It is understandable that this might make otherwise sexually adventurous people throw up, but for electrosex adherents it's a no-brainer.

We sent a willing couple home with this set, which included electrodes and two rings. The TENS controller is sold separately.

Our subjects, a gay couple who described themselves as "pretty vanilla", were at first apprehensive (and had in fact contacted us about another product) but, upon first trying out the electrified cock ring on a wrist, determined that with one person controlling the stimulation, it would be like "a blowjob from a robot."

What was surprising to us was that a couple wanted to try this product rather than an individual, but our subjects couldn't imagine it any other way, especially afterward.

"'Electricity' really underlines the word 'Control'," Subject A said (it was Subject A at the controls).

"He's also the one who's obsessive about the dishes," Subject B pointed out.

The verdict came back that the combination of the humming stimulation, the control thereof by a loving partner, and the "weirdness" of the process was intensely gratifying.

"Is flesh to flesh contact now out of the question?" we asked, fearing that electrosex equipment would be to skin-on-skin interactions what Terminators will be to humans.

"No," Subject B (hair not sticking on end) said, "but this might be a birthdays-only-type thing (for him, not me)."

· Buy the Electrical Silicone Cock Ring Set (extremerestraints.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

But unlike the purple behemoth that inspired America's Renewed Love for Grimace, this Hammerin' Hook vibrates without the aid of a seismic event. Read our review after the gap.

- - -

You'd think that two AA batteries couldn't get this thing humming, that you'd need to hook up this slab of a dildo to an array of car batteries, but the very cells that allow my remote control to replay select scenes of "Dirtpipe Milkshakes" over and over are sufficient to invest this gigantophallus with life.

For a number of reasons I wish I had a hundred women trying out this device in close proximity to each other. I would ask them, "Ladies, does the fact that this dildo feels like flesh make the vibrations more credible? Does the otherworldliness of the vibration feel more at home in a plastic dildo?"

I didn't have a hundred women, I had one. And she said, "A plastic vibrator is a tool, so the weird buzzing inside feels normal. But in a fleshy vibrator, it takes some getting used to."

I felt obscene and predatory asking the following question, but ask I did:

"How long did it take to get it in you?"

"Oh, about five minutes," she said.

"And did you have it vibrating the whole time?" I probed.

"No," she said. "In fact, I'd forgotten that it did, it took so long to get in there gently. When I did turn on the vibrator, I started coming pretty quickly, but it was a numb orgasm. It didn't feel real."

This reminded me of a very sexy, but slightly hypospadic, version of The Velveteen Rabbit.

· Buy the Hammerin' Hook! (store.sextoys.sex-superstore.com.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

* * * * *

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

When one says "phallic building" one thinks of this water tower in Michigan. When one says "vaginal architecture" one thinks of this building across the state line in Illinois (OMG what if they got together??). But how do we describe the various G-Spot vibrators we find on the market other than Krull Glaives?

For such a sweet and wholesome purpose as G-Spot stimulation (it's not like we can fit Violet Blue's book up there), this week's Marital Aid looks sinister.

But ladies like sinister. Read our review of Miss Bliss' Extra Silicone G-spot Vibrator after the gap. - GP

***

"Here is the knowledge you seek."

Australia's Black Label Adult Shop has thoughtful copy to complement its adult products, and of this G-Spot vibrator it says that the vibrator is "5 inches in insertable length".

Because the device is nubbly and textured, like the inside of our favorite people, it is easy to think that perhaps the creators of the vibrator arrived at five inches only by first trying for ten. It is delightful to think about.

If this charming device were absolutely smooth it would seem somehow clinical, like something an unfortunate resident of Bogue Chitto might be probed with were he/she to be abducted by Space People.

As it is, our Test Subject was at first shy but then demonstrably not so, getting to her G-Spot with absolutely no help from me or the team of Army nurses staying at our house this week.

The experience was so pleasant she began speaking in HTML.

"This won't replace me, will it?" I asked.

"Yes No," she said.

· Buy Miss Bliss Extra Silicone G-Spot Vibrator (blacklabeladultshop.com)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive