And you don't have to take our word for it, because the whole thing's obsessively chronicled by dungeon master Zak Sabbath. Which is quite a public service, we might add: we know we're breathing a whole lot easier now that we know that Sasha's a "[w]izard, but keeps trying to hit things with a crowbar instead of using spells" and that Justine Joli's a half-orc wizard. (Are you feeling better knowing that yourself?)

· Play D&D With Porn Stars (dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com, via hustlerworld.com)

We've broken down our guide into three levels of commitment. So without further ado, let us ponder the first level, and observe what gifts to get if you're in a...

Budding Romance

For those of you who are in the exciting, experimental beginnings of a relationship, Valentine's Day is a test of creativity. You can't come out with some corny flowers and chocolate combo; you need to pimp that big, throbbing brain of yours and show your significant other the merits of hopping on the tandem bicycle called love. Might we suggest...

· Cover pic via Club Kayden (clubkayden.branddanger.com)

Magnetic Poetry Kit: Erotic Edition

What's cuter than a bunch of chopped up words on your fridge door? How about if those words were delightfully naughty? The Erotic Magnetic Poetry Kit may seem like a childish tactic for a gift, but hear us out. You and your date come back from dinner, tipsy from the Cristal and Alize you imbibed. You both start writing dirty poems on the fridge, laughing at first as you search for the "cock" magnet, then you start giving directions: "touch my lava hole," or perhaps "lick the pendulous pole." Before you know it, you and your date will be in bed, living out your poetic perversions.

· Magnetic Poetry Kit: Erotic Edition (areyougame.com)

Consenting Adults

Consenting Adults encourages you and your opponent/teammate/object of desire to lose your inhibitions and follow the luck of the draw. The game comes with 200 activity cards and more than 500 "unique suggestions," and they call for everything from holding hands to breaking out the whips. It can be great for when you're certain you want to get laid (which is always), but you don't have the gumption to go ahead and say it. Sometimes it is ok to play love games.

· Consenting Adults (areyougame.com)

Erotica!

Yes, nothing says "I'm constantly thinking about sex in an intellectual fashion" quite like a good book of erotica. We can recommend tons of books for just such an occasion, but perhaps the best blanket book to buy is Best Women's Erotica 2010. It's current, sexy, well-written, and well-edited by our good friend, Violet Blue. Not convinced? Here's an excerpt. Work that sexy librarian angle.

· Best Women's Erotica 2010 (amazon.com)

In for the Long Haul

What do you get for the down ass thug/chick who's stuck with you all these days, months, or years? Maybe it's time to mix it up. We're not saying you have to take tango lessons or start swinging (we're not not saying that either), but you and your loved one are prime candidates for adding new tricks to your bedroom repertoire. Here's what we have in store for you...

· Pic via Ann-Angel.com (ann-angel.com)

JimmyJane's Special Valentine's Day Bundles

Our homies at JimmyJane have put together three fun bundles featuring some of their most popular sensuous delights. Our favorite package is called INDULGE, which includes a 24k gold vibrator, a massage ring, and two massage oil candles. There's no mystery involved with this gift; the only problem is that you'll never want to put your fabulous golden vibrator away. (We generally keep ours on the coffee table.)

· Valentine's Day Specials (jimmyjane.com)

Kiki De Montparnasse

Lingerie is classic gift, but choosing the right item is a delicate procedure (see what we did there?). Ladies, you have to choose something that's as comfortable for you as it is appealing for him. Fellas, don't be cheap or sleazy. If you're looking for something high quality and sexy as hell, we suggest browsing Kiki De Montparnasse. You might be wondering, "Why would I spend a ton of money on fancy lingerie we're only going to see once?" Trust us, if you buy Kiki, you'll be seeing it a lot.

· Love is Blind Blindfold, Voyeur Frame Bra, and Voyeur Garter Belt (kikidm.com)

Brave New World Combo

Here's a quick package of our own design: the Brave New World Combo. For the ladies, we have the Earth Angel hand-cranked vibrator. As a battery-free vibe made from recycled plastics, it's delightfully eco-friendly. Better yet, if 2012 brings about the apocalypse, the survivors will need to conserve battery power. We can't think of a better way to say, "I care about your sexual needs even if the world ends."

For the gents, we have the BOB a stylish little prostate poker from LELO Homme. It's sleek and dainty enough for even the most timid of boys to consider sticking it up their nether-regions, and its ring base allows for minutely controlled stimulation. Who doesn't love a little variety?

· Earth Angel (babeland.com)
· LELO BOB: Our gentleman's plug (en.lelo.com)

Vampire Sex Combo

Whether you're patiently the new season of "True Blood" or rereading Anne Rice novels for the umpteenth time, everyone has a thing for vampires. You can deny it, but if some horny bloodsucker showed up in your bedroom to offer an eternity of looking good and staying up late, you'd be all over it. With that in mind, please enjoy our second gift package, the Vampire Sex Combo.

The Vampire Gloves are soft and leathery on one side, and sharp and prickly on the fingers. If you like a little (or a lot of) pain with your pleasure, then look no further. They might not be as good as fangs, but those fake things fall out and that would most definitely ruin the mood.

Of course, no fantasy about having sex with a vampire would be complete without The Vamp, everyone's favorite dildo that sparkles in the light like a certain character from a certain vampire movie we're not going to mention. A popular way to enjoy The Vamp, so we're told, is to leave him in the refrigerator so it gets nice and chilly, recreating the experience of screwing a cold-blooded vampire. Yes, you can put all silicon sex objects in the fridge, but this is (as far as we know) the only pale, glittery phallus on the market today.

· KinkLab Vampire Gloves (stockroom.com)
· The Vamp | Limited Edition (babeland.com)

For The Lonely

Hey, when you think about it, Valentine's Day is just a made up holiday used to sell you pink-colored things. You don't need pink-colored things to have a good time (except Fleshbot, of course). Take this day to have a little you time, and pamper yourself. You deserve...

· Sandy-Summers.com (sandy-summers.com)
True Companionship

Ok, Roxxxy might not be ready to ship just yet, but you can design your very own fully automated and responsive love doll for pre-order! Soon, your life will be just like "2040" starring Alektra Blue as a pornographic android.

You haven't seen it? Well, by all means you should. If you're going to customize and perhaps even fall in love with a robot, you should know what you're in store for. When Roxxxy (or Rocky, if you order the male version) finally arrives, you might not want to show her "2040," since she might get jealous of Alektra.

But if you'd like to watch a pornographic film with your date, we suggest "The 8th Day," Adam & Eve's vision of a sex crazed future (as opposed to the sex crazed present) starring Kayden Kross. It's the perfect film to watch while cozying up on the couch with a glass of wine and a loved one. When it comes to Valentine's Day, the simple pleasures are the best.

· "2040" (gamelink.com)
· "The 8th Day" (adameve.com)
· TrueCompanion.com - Home of the World's First Sex Robot (truecompanion.com)

Well, while Guess Her Muff offers one-click access to the answer, Match That Muff opts for the multiple choice format, providing you with three mages of separate vulvas (only one of which belongs to the lady in question).

So, uh, it's basically the same...only one involves just a tiny bit more suspense.

· Match That Muff (matchthatmuff.com)

Thanks to Heeb Magazine's annual Heebonism Party, loads of tribal brothers and sisters got to partake in the baked-clay beatdown known as Strip Dreidel...and they did it on Christmas Eve. There was also dancing, stand-up comedy, and even a Chinese buffet (aka, the Holy Trinity of Judaism) on this night of nights. Of course, we're most excited about the debauchery whipped up by the Supreme Commandress and beau. You should read about it!

· Last Night: Strip Dreidel, Christmas Eve Heebonism and Jewjitsu in Palm Springs (blogs.laweekly.com)

For those of you who aren't familiar with the game of dreidel, here are the basic rules. The game begins with each player anteing some coins (chocolate or otherwise) in a communal pot. As each player takes a turn, he or she must spin a dreidel (four-sided top). The side that the dreidel lands on determines the player's fate: a gimmel means that the player gets the full pot, a hay means the player gets half the pot, a nun means nothing happens, and a shin means the player must put one or two coins into the pot.

Clearly, this is a game just rife with sexy possibility. Unfortunately, Strip Dreidel isn't all that sexy. Sure, you get to play a wild game of gambling with three sexy Jewish pornstars, but there's so much chance in the mix that there's no guarantee you'll actually see any flesh—especially since these ladies are slow to disrobe. In all our playing, the most (most!) we saw was a bit of bra. If they really wanted to get into the spirit of the Festival of Light, they'd let some of their light shine on us...if you know what we mean.

· Strip Dreidel (stripdreidel.com)
· Thumbnail star: Jewish Supreme Commandress Joanna Angel (sadly not a part of Strip Dreidel)

Pink Visual and Fleshbot have teamed up to bring you Kinky Games, an iTouchHer web app that's powered by you, the people. Have an idea for a game? Submit it in the comments—and if your game is one of the best, you'll win a free membership to iPinkVisualPass. Pretty sweet, right?

Here's the official breakdown of how it all works:

Fleshbot users will submit game ideas for the Fleshbot iTouchHer web-app (www.kinkygames.com) to be voted on by other Fleshbot users. The top vote-getters will then be judged cooperatively by the Fleshbot editors and the porn purveyors at Pink Visual to decide the Gold, Silver, and Bronze winners.

The three winners will see their custom games created by Pink Visual and added to the Fleshbot iTouchHer web-app. The Gold winner will also receive a free 6 month membership to Pink Visual's mobile porn site, iPinkVisualPass, while the Silver and Bronze winners will receive 3 month and 1 month subscriptions, respectively.

To be considered for implementation, game submissions must be conceptualized to operate within the basic parameters of the Fleshbot iTouchHer web-app (see sample game at Kinky Games) and must not include any content concepts that are considered illegal within the United States.

Please click here to read this contest's terms of use and other fun fine print.

· Previously: iTouchHer: Adult Games For The iPhone

At present, there are 8 games to play, ranging from the ultrageeky WWDC Quiz (answer questions about Apple and get rewarded with nudity) to the more traditional Nude Photo Hunt to the rather unfortunate Roast Beef or Twat? Simple though they may be, they are pretty fun (and nudity-laden!)—and hey, winning results in free porn!

Our fingers are crossed that Apple doesn't go and find some lame way to screw this up for everybody. (Also, that Roast Beef or Twat? gets phased out of the system.)

[P.S. Don't have an iPhone? You can just as easily access the site on a normal web browser. It's just very small that way.]

· iTouchHer (itouchher.com)
· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)

Yes, Playboy's pitched in to make your staycation a little bit sexier. They're taking us all on a virtual tour of Europe (and, of course, its women). They're already three weeks in to their seven week voyage, and if you ask us, it's been one hell of a trip. We'll definitely be sticking around to see what the future brings.

· Playboy Staycation (playboy.com)
· Thumbnail: Mai-Lan Leenders makes going Dutch look better than ever

The idea is simple—a choose your own adventure porn, if you will. The program gives you a whole host of options (choice of girl, choice of prop, choice of action, choice of setting, choice of music), then compiles your selections into your very own porn clip. Naturally, we had to come up with one all our own. You can see the results of our experiment, above.

· Orgasm.com's Porn Director (orgasm.com)

And because that's the best reason to buy the beer, its makers have created a website allowing each and every one of us to disrobe an entire of six pack of, yes, skinny blondes. Sure, there's a whiff of sexism about the whole thing...but then, again, boobs!

· Skinny Blonde Six Pack (skinnblonde.com.au, via AdRants)

And while you're at it, feel free to browse the accompanying selection of Playmates from the '70s and '80s (you know, back when Playmates actually still had "hair down there.").

· Hierarchy of Hair Down There (playboy.com)

Think you're up for the challenge? Let us know how you do—there were more than few entries that threw us for a loop.

(Oh, and if you're not into the whole "guessing" thing, the site still serves as a very nice repository of amateur porn.)

· Guess Her Muff (guesshermuff.blogspot.com)

The games range from basic puzzles to more advanced matching games (match the boobs to the pornstar—harder than you'd think!), and, of course, a "shooter" game, where you can use your digital penis to splatter topless girls with giant loads (to be honest, we preferred the puzzles). As a nice little bonus, winners get the chance to download free porno pix—as well as a chance at eternal fame, with the highest scorers earning a place in the Naughty Country Club.

· Naughty America Games (naughtyamericagames.com, via xbiz.com)

Like the bar game, Adam & Eve's photo hunt gives you two seemingly identical (and incredibly hot) photos; your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to spot the five differences (should you choose to simply ogle the hot photos, well, that's okay too). Intrigued? Try your luck with these stills from "Roller Dollz." Can you spot the differences?

· Adam & Eve's Erotic Photo Hunt (adameve.com)

Is Sasha Grey the best connected female performer in porn? Maybe not, but she's well on her way to claiming that title—and we'd like to test that theory (and your porn knowledge), with a fun little variation on that hit of the '90s, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. How many steps does it take to connect Sasha Grey to other performers in the industry? Want an extra challenge? Connect the dots using only performers who've actually fucked on camera together (not just appeared in the same movie)—and try to limit yourself to female performers only.

We'll start out with something (relatively) easy: how many steps does it take to connect Sasha Grey and Jenna Jameson? (Feeling overwhelmed? IAFD allows you to search for movies in which two specific performers appeared together.)

Take, for example, Secretary Sam: you can get her to jump, jiggle, and gyrate for you; get topless and play around with her friends Action Amy and Nurse Nikki; or, if that's not doing it for you, you can just up and shoot her in the face. Somehow, we just can't shake the suspicion that this whole thing was developed by (and possibly for) twelve-year-old boys—but hey, if you've desperately been searching for a game that will allow you to (virtually) ogle hot girls and torture them in odd and disturbing ways, well, say hello to your new favorite thing. (Sample game play below.)
. . .

· Fun 2 Play (fun2play.tv)

Yes, there is an actual Photo Hunt competition being held at a local watering hole in NYC later this month—which by itself seems pretty remarkable—but even more amazing is that it's being hosted by Penthouse Pets Krista Ayne and Justine Joli. Perhaps they will stand side by side and you'll get to point out the differences between them for cash and prizes. (Sadly, touch screen technology does not work on real Pets.) You better start practicing.

· Megatouch Erotic Photo Hunt Tournament (going.com)

We recently received a sexy package here at Fleshbot HQ containing "The Cosmo Kama Sutra," "Cosmo's Naughty Notes," and "Cosmo's Steamy Sex Games." Did they get the home fires burning? We'll let you be the judge.

. . .

The Cosmo Kama Sutra
The classic Kama Sutra is seriously old, so clearly it's in need of an update. And who better to provide one than the editors of Cosmo? This pretty little volume (with a pink cover, of course) takes 77 sex positions and updates them for the Cosmo girl, with sexy new names (Straddle His Saddle, anyone?) and erotic instructions to explain the ins and outs of every position. Find out which is "the ultimate girl power" position and which will increase your chances of simultaneous orgasm!

Cosmo's Naughty Notes
They say actions speak louder than words, and we think the action of leaving a note full of sexy words speaks loudest of all. Really, what better way to get your man's engine burning than by leaving him a note that says "No Shirt! No Shoes! Full Service!" (Alternately, we've found that these notes are a really great way to tease and harrass coworkers. If only the adhesive backing actually kept the note stuck to something for more than five seconds.)

Cosmo's Steamy Sex Games
The crown jewel in the Cosmo sexgamiverse, this stack of 118 laminated "erotic cards" gives couples the chance to play 12 different dirty games. From A Night Of Naughty Adventure to The Call Of The Wild (more or less an ad for the "Cosmo Kama Sutra"), there's all kinds of ways to bring odd props and awkward moves into the bedroom — and hey, some of them might even be hot!

Surely, there's someone out there who will benefit greatly from these Cosmo tips and tricks. But frankly, when we feel the urge to spice things up, we'll be sticking with things like rimmed gapes and dirtpipe milkshakes. We're just old fashioned that way.

· Books By Cosmo Editors (cosmopolitan.com)

· "Black and Blue Deploys Alternate Reality Game in Viral Promotion of NinnWorx_SR's 'The Four'" (xbiz.com)
· "Alternate Reality Gaming Meets the Adult Entertainment Industry with Kronos480BC" (argn.com)
· Kronos480BC (kronos480bc.livejournal.com)

Previously: Ninnworx' "The Four" Is Excellent Xerxoff Material, "The Four" Is Coming ... Eventually