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It's not that Santa has a problem with masturbation, or feels threatened by a large, fake phallus, he's just very strict about only having elf-made toys in his home. As much as Mrs. Claus sympathizes, those tiny hands are better suited to making wooden trains than they are to satisfying a woman's needs.

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Even though this is only her second scene ever, she shows real potential (at least Tom Byron thinks so). Sure, she gets fatigued and a little dizzy at times, but she keeps going! We think she needs to control her chi better. She resists the penis too much; she needs to remain fluid, use the penis' energy against itself. This is the essence of fuck-jitsu.

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* * * * *

Previously: Rice, Toast, and "Unseasoned Players" Are Good For Digestion

Lucky for us (and Mr. Rosano), touching Bree doesn't cause you to explode in flames, there's only a slight melting sensation. You may also experience sweating, dizziness, weak knees, euphoria, and a sudden affinity for footjobs. We recommend not using heavy machinery during exposure to Bree. Unless you're using your computer to watch her, then you kind of can't help it.

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* * * * *

Previously: Reapplying Sunscreen Will Not Protect You From "Bree Exposed"

You can tell there's a great deal of trust between these two. Ass play isn't something you just casually pick up one day: it's a journey, an exploration you take with yourself, a friend, or maybe a group of friends. It's like Beyonce says, "If you like it then you should put a finger in it."

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Perhaps a subsidiary washing is in order? And then maybe another creampie? Sure, this clip is only about four minutes long, but you could loop it and all you would see is an endless cycle of cleaning and coming, cleaning and coming...

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And who better to include in such a buffet than 11 year veteran Jada Fire? No one, that's who (though we must admit, her costars are pretty impressive, too....).

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But whatever: clearly, the why is not important as the fact that this happened. And that it was caught on tape, uploaded to the internet, and streamed into our homes (and offices, for the naughty types).

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True, it still doesn't look like the most comfortable of ways to get off...but that girl does seem to be having fun...Maybe if we try it again, with our legs in a different position? Maybe?

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Not that we're surprised to learn she has one, mind you. We've seen how she runs her business—we know that girl knows how to take charge.

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*****

Previously: Tristan Taormino's "Rough Sex" Gets Us All Choked Up

Take this young lady for example. All she needs to be happy is a cozy bed, a couple well-licked fingers, and a camera. That's all! And if she really needs to step her game up, she just grabs a brush from the bedside table. It's important to have multi-use items lying around.

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*****

Previously: Bound To Please: "Midori's Expert Guide To Sensual Bondage"

Sometimes it's not about the sex, it's about control. In this Sasha Grey directed film, it's about the control and the sex, as well as about sharing your favorite fuck toy with someone you love. Isn't that the true meaning of Christmas? Maybe Hanukkah? Kwanzaa? Happy New Year, Faye Reagan family.

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We love when rounded things get pounded, but it's crucial to remember that the round has feelings too. They feel bouncy, firm yet yielding, and they love being treated to long licking sessions. Mike Adriano knows what's up. Of course, he eventually pounds it.

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As much as we love the blowjob in this video (and we really do), the best part is just looking around this guy's house. The space heater, the houseplant, and the melted candle are all signs that this place is lived-in. And the sex doesn't feel planned for film; it's like this man was getting dome, and as he reached for his favorite mug of chai, he found the camera instead.

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If only all deals were decided this way...why, we'd be halfway to securing that job of President of Earth by now.

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Penis proxy aside, this young man is right: "Conformity Is Insanity." So we decided not to conform to our usual, short, two to three minute amateur sex clip. Instead, we're giving you this eight minute escapade that shows the evolution from smooching, to foreplay, to intercourse (because that's what the Man doesn't want you to see).

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