Fetishy, submissive heartbreaker Satine Phoenix makes an oral attempt on Shane Diesel in "Too Big for My Mouth" and, contrary to what the title explicitly promises, succeeds.

In fact, it's not even a concern.

Contrast that with this ubiquitous Burger King ad. What does this ad say to me? Blowjob Failure. And Blowjob failure inevitably sends me to Carl's Jr.

But because she is a classy, classy lady, I would take Satine Phoenix to In-n-Out.

New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)
New Sensations (newsensations.com)
Buy "Too Big for Your Mouth" (gamelink.com)

All right, so "Head Case" is a movie about blowjobs, I guess, according to the copy we received from the studio's PR firm:

Not one ounce of liquid love is wasted as these girls suck and tug their way to your happiness.

...but you can forgive me for thinking from the title that the flick is about the Insane. It's a common mistake. I am especially sensitive to this because I went to see "Titicut Follies" because I thought it was a porn movie.

So maybe that's not what producers meant, at all.

In the room the women come and go
Talking about Fellatio

Your job this week is to mine porn titles from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and, if you're especially skilled, you will be like last week's winner and smooth us with long fingers.

· 3rd Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)
· Buy "Head Case 5" (gamelink.com)

Good things come to those who wait, and sometimes good cums come to those who wait. The bloggers in this week's round up wait far more patiently than we ever could. Why we're getting off (via USB-powered mini-vibe, natch) even as we type. We just don't see any point in holding back, but there must be some benefit, right?

Read on for more ultra-patient sex0rs and see why they wait.

—-—-

the waiting game

i miss the sting of his hand on my ass. i miss the pull of my hair as he stuffs my mouth full with his hard cock. i miss that moment before his cock goes into my ass when i fear the pain that immediately turns into pure pleasure.

—Angel/Asshole

—-—-

Erotica - Sharing Mina

Those veiled moments at the bar, in a dark corner, her hand acting as a visor over her eyes, the distance between Mina and Her slowly shrinking, their alochol-perfumed breath mingling, the magnetism drawing them together

Mina’s clothes falling away, and Hers as well, the wonder in Mina’s eyes as she begins to touch Her, her hands enjoying the freedom of someone who craves her touch as well, getting to explore that body.

— At Longing’s End

—-—-

Fucking a Rich Guy

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum” I said.

“Yeah” he said in his deep voice, “cum in my mouth.”

The orgasm was already taking hold and my muscles were barely under my control. I tried to move my crotch up so he could suck my dick, but the rush of pleasure overtook me.

Allen sat up and grabbed my dick right as the cum started shooting out.

—Collegehookerboy’s Hot and Disturbing Weblog

—-—-

Goddess

“Make sure he doesn’t swallow your come, darling. I want a taste.” Grinning broadly, my husband asked the male if he understood. He nodded before opening his mouth and licking the tip of the cock before him.

It wasn’t long before my husband was gripping the other male’s head and moaning loudly into the incense-thick air of our little love-den. My husband is so beautiful when he comes, so masculine.

—Under the Crimson Moon

—-—-

A dream and waking desires

To make your body crave to be touched, whispering silent prayers for the stroke or slap of my hand. To make your clit hurt with want; a pounding constant ache. To compel your cunt to drip blatant lust until it dribbles uncontrollably down inner thighs and legs. To make you beg shamelessly for my cock in your desperation to be fucked and then cry out frantic pleas for my permission to come.

—Packing Vocals

—-—-

The Table

Producing a long, thick, rigid dildo, I continued “I am going to fuck you with this, slave. You are to take it without making a sound. And you are to cum on my command. Do you understand?”

Nimue nodded “yes.”

“If you fail . . .” The paddle flashed down again, marking her other cheek. Nimue sucked in a deep breath.

“Then we will begin.”

—la petite mort

*****

· Thumbnail star Lucy Pinder (onlytease.com, via Ask Jolene)
· Previously: Sex Blog Roundup Archive

Eric had hosted this party for years and it had become the victim of its own success. "I know less than half the people here," he said. But the drinks were plentiful and there was enough food to sop them up.

I have to admit there was tension in the air, though. People can get edgy when the time of year suggests self-inspection. A woman who could have got away with it in her dancing years was drunk and belligerent; a guy I saw the day before and knew to be born and raised in Chicago was affecting a French accent.

But that was a tiny percentage; everyone else was on the make but in the nicest way possible. This is what happens when you get past 30. Or at least that's what I think will happen in 12 years...

A woman who got a little weepy about saving dogs talked to me very earnestly, then started hiccoughing. I saw my chance.

"Do you need to be ... palpated?" I asked.

"Yes."

And her hicccoughs disappeared. I felt like Jonas Salk must have had he been two bottles of Jagermeister deep and just as far in a dogophile from Pasadena.

But it was not to be.

As the party thinned Eric came to the back yard and announced that some douchebag had stolen his iPod, probably one of the majority of the unknown guests. This put a damper on things, but briefly, because then Eric disappeared, not to be seen again for the rest of the party.

I asked my friend where Eric went.

"He's in there with Danielle getting his New Year's beej," he said. "It's been happening since 2006."

I thought: I cured her hiccoughs so she could give another man a blowjob?

Worse than that, it was 4 a.m. and all the consolation prizes had driven back to Koreatown, Echo Park, and [shudder] Ojai.

But it was right that that happened. Eric had thrown a fantastic party. That someone stole his iPod was unforgivable. Yes, he deserved that blowjob. He deserved it.

But does Craig Valentine in "Immoral Orals," in which he holds a camera while being fellated by the likes of Sunny Lane, Nina Hartley, and Devon and Kelsey Michaels? Sure he paid them for it, but does he deserve it? I don't think so.

But maybe someone stole his iPod.

. . .

· Stunner Studios (stunnerxxx.com)
· Buy "Sunny Lane's Immoral Orals" (xonair.com)

The description of this movie (and bear with me) is poignant:

Many men prefer their women on the tamer and quieter side! If that is you, these Japanese girls are a rare delight in a world of loud, annoying and fat, ugly women.

Reading between the lines, we can imagine a nation of Walter Mittys for whom the good old days meant quiet, submissive ladies who didn't snack between meals and whose opinions were their spouse's opinions.

But everyone from Yuki, here, to this morning's Dunkin' Donuts cashier in Mesa, AZ, knows that good blowjobs don't happen right out of the box, so that meekness is as cultivated as Sayaka's surprisingly assured fellatio skills.

. . .

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "I'm Camera Shy 2" (gamelink.com)

I don't know why some of these women are wearing wigs and some are not. I don't even know why some of these women are sucking cocks and some are not. All I know is that I am here in Los Angeles and no one is currently sucking my cock.

Oh wait - hold on. Someone's at the door.

Nope! Still no one sucking my cock. But look! AOL is still giving out those free Install CDs.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Little Asian Cocksuckers 13" (gamelink.com)

Today, Saletan fires back with the pesky little thing known as "evidence." Just to be clear, he isn't arguing that oral sex has replaced regular intercourse among today's younger generation (as several afterschool specials might lead you to believe): it's just that blowjobs and pussy eating are no longer considered taboo, or shameful, or the kind of thing that you only do with that very special person who you better be married to.

So what we want to know is: Is this true? Did the stigma ever exist for you? Were you raised to believe that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse? We don't care what you think about it now; the issue is whether there was ever a time when getting or giving head was considered something especially special. (Of course, if you're gay or lesbian you probably think we're stupid for even asking, but everyone gets confused sometimes.)

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Oh, and here's some food for thought, if you need it ...

· "Lisa Sparxxx giving head" (RedTube)

· Eating her Pussy (RedTube)

· The normalization of oral sex + Was oral sex always normal? (slate.com)
· Thumbnail via My First Sex Teacher (strokersgals.com, via askjolene.com)

· Rob Rotten's Punx Productions (punxproductions.com)

It is your job to let us know in this sorta-weekly showcase of your porn-naming skills. Cat got your tongue? Draw strength from last week's winner, newcomer RAD_MATTER, who followed many of porn's naming conventions, such as increased version number, reference to Deadly Sin, and black cock euphemism in his/her winning entry.

· (See the Real Title) (gamelink.com)

* * * * *

Previously: WWFRD Archive

"Swallow My Children" is also the only movie I'm aware of that credits its actors in little sperm representations of themselves.

Read our review after the gap.

- - -

Swallow My Children

Studio: Metro
Director: Rob Rotten
Cast: Mercedes Santos, Marsha Lord, Sasha Grey, Herather Gables, Roxy Deville, Laurie Vargas, Whitney Stevens, Daisy Tanks, Brandi, Britney Stevens, Leighlani Red, Allison Pierce, Chavon Taylor, Fayth Deluca, Kaylee Love Cox, Jocelyn Jaden

Review by: - Gram Ponante

Rob Rotten's Swallow My Children is a love letter to Acton, CA, which Rotten (because I can't find anyone else who says it) describes as "the energy capital of the world". Acton, situated on the wrong side of Magic Mountain and in the vicinity of various high desert nuclear tests, is like a blend of Los Angeles and a disaffected desert Hell. We should all live there in order to complete our transformations.

Rotten combines people from the neighborhood with many performers you've never seen before (or perhaps will never see again), along with the rough and ready likes of Sasha Grey, Alison Pierce, and Roxy Deville to present a blowjob movie that is so much more than a blowjob movie; it is like a little piece of punk art and something that should go on the Acton Chamber of Commerce's website.

Unfortunately, the movie was not shot in Acton at all, but in one of the standard-issue porn McMansions here in Los Angeles.

"Then why did you mention Acton?" I asked Rotten.

"There was this brand-new 18-year-old girl who was asking us a good place to visit in California," Rotten said. "I couldn't think of a worse place than Acton, so that showed up in the movie."

As "Acton" is mentioned early in the flick, and as Rotten improvised most of the ridiculous scenes with a variety of white trash characters, Swallow My Children seems like what The Kentucky Fried Movie would have been had fellatio been involved.

The movie is very silly, and Rotten has chosen performers that look sexy in natural light, in bare feet, with minimal makeup.

"I tell people not to come with the porn heels and the stupid porn bikinis," Rotten said.

Best line:: "What are you doing in my tub? Maybe the piss can wait!"

There are also scenarios in which a blowjob is traded for the return of a retarded uncle's bike, an unlikely tryst on a roof with porn-ratty Tony Tedeschi, and some trampolines. After Dirty Harry's, the best line is: "Can I borrow your weight room? Mine's being worked on."

The secret to an effective porn movie (at least for a male audience) is juicy women having sex with loopy undesirables. "Swallow My Children" is an effective porn movie.

"Swallow My Children", though everyone in it is tatted out with metal playing in the background, is so silly, well lit, and populated with healthy vixens that it seems wholesome. After all, isn't a blowjob the friendliest gesture one can make? It's when penetration happens that people get all possessive.

· Rob Rotten's "Swallow My Children" Trailer (punxproducttions.com)
· Metro Interactive (metrointeractive.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Porn Reviews Archive

Read our review of this most wondrous device after the gap.

- - -

We're below the fold now, as the pi-stained raisins say, so we can be candid with each other. Are blowjobs difficult for you?

This device is an open-ended cyberskin stalk. On one end is a narrow, urethra-like opening into which you can insert a vibrating bullet with variable buzzy speeds, powered by a slider on two "AA" batteries. On the other end is a mouth, philtrum, and nose (the eyes cost extra) into which you can insert you.

It's like getting head from Easter Island.

Our test subject reported that he expected the bullet to do all the work.

"The bullet didn't do anything except buzz and make the (mouth) seem electrified," he said. "It wasn't a natural experience."

"Do you think that sex toy companies exist because you don't deserve a natural experience if you resort to sex toys?" I asked. I've found that otherwise exemplary marital aid reviews don't take into account shame as a necessary element of the adult novelty experience.

"It was like I was the last meal after the last meal at a women's prison," he offered (I'm never using this guy again).

"You're saying that you felt like you were being fellated by someone who was being electrocuted," I said.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"No."

"Tell me about the experience."

"I put the batteriies in, stuck the bullet up the narrow end of the thing, put a movie in, flipped around a little, lubed up (lube was provided but not batteries), and slowly pushed the mouth part down on me. I played with the bullet settings for a while, but realized that I couldn't just sit there and let it happen; I'd have to move it up and down."

"Was it pleasant?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, "but weird."

"Why weird?"

(Small children might want to leave the room at this point.)

"Well, a human being will either spit or swallow when you come. This (person) just let it dribble out, and then when I shook it, it went around the room."

"Thank you," I said.

"Can I keep it?"

"Please."

· Buy the Cyberskin Vibrating Cyber Suck (sensualadvisor.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive