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Eye-balling: "Splashes on Glasses 2"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

One of the unlikeliest niches, that of sex culminating in ropey volleys lobbed across the cosmetic (rarely prescription) eyewear of pornstresses, has made it to a second edition just in time for Christmas! Could "The Golden Compass" do that? No.

We're all guardedly unapologetic about liking porn (for example, many of us hasten to say things like "except with animals" or "never on Sukkot" or "unless my ex-wife or ex-fiancee are in it") but a movie like this, which is just as good as any other five-scene Porn Valley gonzo but which has that little something extra, underscores the fact that the cornerstone of all porn, the visible cumshot, here marks both the model and something she owns.

It's like Monica Lewinsky's blue dress, except higher.

What is it about glasses? Why can't it be a hairband or some earrings? Why not pulling out of Andy San Dimas (not that I would) and dropping a load in her purse? Doubtless 2010 will see a flourishing of Pocketbook Porn.

In any case, director/performer Mick Blue should seek sponsorship from LensCrafters for the gratuitous shots of girls' fashion frames. London Keyes gets the fright wig treatment (in which a black-haired woman's hair is radially laced with sperm for a Bride of Frankenstein effect), Hillary Scott proves how much of a pro she is by keeping her eyes open during her post-DP unloading, and Monique Alexander does things she never got to do at Vivid (though she does steal Nina Hartley's look in this picture).

And I'd say more about Aletta Ocean, but my glasses were off by that point.

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Hustler Exposes Bossy MILF Dark Side With Sexy Sequel

DCypher — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:00:00 EST

When it comes to getting hard cock crammed all up in creamy cracks, age is just a number. Just because these ladies are MILFs, that doesn't mean that they crave throbbing fuck stick any less. Far from it!

If anything, they crave it more, because they know what they're missing, all couped up in their suburban houses, far from action and all that juicy prick meat. With the demands of running a household, the unseen pressures of domesticity, the banality and neglect built into marriage, she's facing the perfect recipe for sexual entropy—but her sex drive is climbing like thermometer left on a Foreman grill as her baby clock ticks!

To make things worse, men are biologically inclined to stuff their tool as far into the youngest, legal ladies they can entice into take a load or three. Is it any wonder that these ladies get bossy? Taking out their sexual rage on unsuspecting young studs who can't get with girls their own age?

Director Alex De Large plays the role of biographer to their decline, on behalf of Hustler, capturing the sequel to the first "Bossy MILFs" release—which gained worldwide recognition when Jane Goodall referenced it during a New York Times interview as one of the most compelling documentaries of 2008. He captures the frenetic mating habits of six lusty ladies in their prime, maintaining a degree of journalistic integrity that would earn him a Pulitzer were he covering something less controversial, like say, the Afghan war or the Tea Party Divide of 2009.

Make no mistake: we are not suggesting that Raquel Devine, Morgan Ray, Trina Michaels, Devon Lee, Janet Mason, and Anjanette Astoria have jumped the shark in any way. If anything, we are suggesting that Alex's cleverly captured footage reveals how these seasoned performers have so much left to bring to the table. On the flip side, his largely imperceptible invisible hand easily exposes the inner demons that drive these women to the brink of sexual frenzy in the presence of young cock, until we sympathize in our cum drenched drawers.

"Bossy MILFs 2" releases from Hustler this week. Check out our exclusive photo feed from the wilds of Chatsworth. Thanks to Alex and his team of dedicated anthropologists for risking their lives and genitals to capture this amazing footage.

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Joslyn James Doubly Penetrated: Could That Be Roger Federer?

Gram Ponante — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

In 2007, Lexington Steele shot a movie in which Joslyn James, one of a recent series of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, was double-teamed by Jon Jon and Marco Banderas. That's it. No context there. We trust they all got along.

It takes a special person to take a two-porn-dude onslaught and be photographed looking like she's eating them for breakfast, but Joslyn James is one of those people. In "Lex Steele XXX 9," she handles both amicable brutes easily.

While armchair psychologists (and real ones) the world over might scratch their heads about Woods' need to get caught, our goal here is simpler and more gentle. All we'll say is Good for you, Tiger. We bet it seemed like a fantastic idea at the time.

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Kagney Linn Karter Fucks Her Fans, You Know

DCypher — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:00:00 EST

We thought that might get your attention. But really she does fuck her fans—at least for Porno Dan in volume 5 of his fast growing series. What started out as a web phenomenon is way past viral now.

The fifth volume in this signature series, from Immoral Production's partners Jim Powers and Porno Dan Leal, offers real-life fans the chance to get paid to get laid first and foremost by Best New Starlet nominee (and part time super hero) Kagney Linn Karter, but also by Gina Lynn, Sara Jay, Heather Starlet, and Cindy Hope.

So who ends up winning the chance to stick their pork sword up into the hot pink lubricious insides of our busty blonde cover girl? A very lucky fan named Jesus. Is this a Christmas miracle or were his parents just a little overzealous in the religion when they named him? You will have to decide for yourselves. We can promise you this though – when he got to the holy land he did fall to his knees, cry hallelujah, and praise the lord.

For Gina Lynn it's her second appearance—which should inspire her fans to hold that torch a little longer. Yes, there is a chance that she could one day give you the best three minutes of your lives. By far the most entertaining was Heather Starlet, who nails her fan Vic after picking him up off the floor of the AVN convention. That right there makes the show worth attending. Now if only we could get all of the fans who show up to shower and use deodorant before they get down to where the girls are signing, that would truly be a public service.

"Fuck A Fan Volume 5" comes out this week. It makes one hell of a stocking stuffer so go ahead and cram it in there with all those knick knacks, ammunition, and all that candy. Now check out the action in our exclusive gallery. Thanks Porno Dan for coming through again!

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The Impaling Of Black Anjelika

Gram Ponante — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Black Anjelika is an entrancing 22-year-old from Romania. When seen naked, she makes the viewer think, "I can't decide where to start." Lucky for us, she appears in "Anal Asspirations 11," so we'll just begin at the back.

Active in the Private/Harmony school of hard-fucking Europeans, Black Anjelika has, in her two years and 50-odd porn scenes, evolved into a garden of porny delights on legs. While there is no mistaking she is a porn performer, one can't help but suspect she is just a little bit wholesome, too, agitating suspicions that she probably got her impossible porn vixen body through the Romanian tradition of bathing in virgins' blood.

It's true: vampires are all over the place over there.

But back to "Anal Asspirations 11." Even though the title itself is a little on the nose (or up the ass) - because you don't need "asspirations" when you've already got "anal," Anjelika has a nice spa day with a dude who can't get enough of her. Lucky bastard.

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Joanna Angel And James Deen On A Business Vacation

Ottimo Massimo — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:00:00 EST

Pornstars: they take vacations just like regular people! They see national attractions, taste the local delicacies, and collect souvenirs for their loved ones. And then they make scrapbooks filled with dirty, sexy things. Doesn't everyone?

Supreme Commandress Joanna Angel has a fresh gallery from her latest international excursion with James Deen, and frankly, we're a tad jealous. Not that we have French-envy or anything—we're 100% American through and through—but how are we supposed to talk about how rad the Louvre was when there's a full-length porn about having sex around France to compete with?

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Bree Olson Makes It Rain

Ottimo Massimo — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:00:00 EST

There's really no reason for Anthony Rosano to be sweating this much. We can only assume that Bree Olson is made of lava. Hot, sexy, blonde lava.

Lucky for us (and Mr. Rosano), touching Bree doesn't cause you to explode in flames, there's only a slight melting sensation. You may also experience sweating, dizziness, weak knees, euphoria, and a sudden affinity for footjobs. We recommend not using heavy machinery during exposure to Bree. Unless you're using your computer to watch her, then you kind of can't help it.

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Previously: Reapplying Sunscreen Will Not Protect You From "Bree Exposed"

Elegant Angel Announced 2010's "Performers Of The Year"

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:30:01 EST

True, we've all got our own opinions on which adult stars should be crowned as the performers of the year—but Elegant Angel's "Performers of the Year 2010" makes a pretty compelling case for its choices.

With Tori Black, Kristina Rose, Jenna Haze, Julia Ann, Kagney Linn Karter, Bobbi Starr, and Alexis Texas, Elegant Angel's put together a formidable team of all-stars to carry them into the new year. Sure, there are a few names we'd love to see added to the list...but we wouldn't dream of saying no to a single one of these names. Especially when sex is on the table.

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The "Seasoned Players 11: Salt And Pepper" Contest Makes Us Wanna Shoop

Ottimo Massimo — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:00:00 EST

It's (perhaps) the final contest of 2009, and it's gonna be special. If you help us, we'll bring tidings of good cheer (and free porn).

Tom Byron's latest project, "Seasoned Players 11: Salt And Pepper," got us wondering why it took so long for Mr. Byron to add any spices into his tasty treats. Of course, now that he's used salt and pepper, where will he go next? That's where you come in.

Tell us: what are your favorite ways to spice up sex? This, of course, doesn't have to be literal. Then again, if you have a super kinky way to incorporate star anise and cinnamon into your love life, feel free to share with the world.

Post your entries in the comments section. Whoever presents a finger-licking-good blend of 11 herbs and spices will win a copy of Seasoned Players 11: Salt And Pepper, and hopefully influence Tom Byron's next film project.

And now to rule on last week's Elizabethan flirt-off. All of you: most impressive. junkzm3001's quick jab of game was sweet and to the point, and will likely be used by a certain Fleshbot employee at the clubs later tonight:

Parting is such sweet sorrow, unless it be the splitting of your legs.

Chicks dig Shakespeare, right?

Anyway, since the remaining entries are all from winners of previous Fleshbot contests, we have ourselves a real veteran battle. You are excellent combatants; grand writers, all of you. If we could, we'd split the DVD in thirds and give each of you a piece so that you could only watch it when you united the broken portions like that crown from Hellboy II: The Golden Army. But we won't do that.

So we declare: MalzyWheels is the winner! Observe, how he entices the females:

If I werst to compare thee to a frolicking summer's day,
wouldst thou look upon thyself as a lowly Summer's Eve?
Thou art so lovely, and so fine,
with golden locks of pearls draping around thine fair, beautiful face.
Thou bosom arst so ample, so healthy, so grand,
Like a majestic mountain range ye admires off in the vast horizon.
With a stout, strong frame, with padding whereat one wouldst expect,
I wouldst grasp unto to thee by the behind and mount thy person like a rabid dog.
But I get carried away with thyself.

That line about Summer's Eve gave us a bard-on (thanks to Come a little Miroslav Klose You're My Kind of Man for that gem). Still, readers should definitely go back and read the other entries, by Pinkie and Beaker.

Congratulations (again), MalzyWheels! You just brought The Curse of MacBeth upon yourself. We'll be contacting you through your profile page to let you know how to claim your prize.

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"Unfaithful 5": Adultery Looks Better In Portugal

Gram Ponante — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

Five lesbians - four of whom are in couples - rent a beachfront Portuguese villa and sex and heartbreak ensue. Surely these women know that the weight of history is against their emerging from their Sapphic weekend faithful.

Produced by Viv Thomas, the "Unfaithful" series is a beautifully shot and beautifully cast set of videos that does a good job in its attempt to force us to suspend our disbelief long enough to accept that these women are anything like the lesbians we know.

In episode 5, two hotties invite a third, older hottie (Lisa) on their vacation with them. Why? We can only imagine it is because they like watching the aged squirm. The game is afoot, then, as we watch the porn dyke drama unfold to the point that we are certain that this was the plan all the time. They set this up.

They deserve all the adultery they've got coming to them. I have no sympathy. Only lust remains.

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Learn The Feminine Mystique From "Not The Brady Bunch XXX: Pussy Power"

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:00 EST

Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of "Not The Bradys," young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows up at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in Jan's bed, which somehow introduces her to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia's success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of "being good at something" lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol' Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B's bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan's violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven't delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; "much more than a hunch" indeed.

Diamond Foxxx Sparkles In "Busty Office MILFs"

DCypher — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:00:00 EST

In a world where beautiful, big breasted bosses rule the workplace with lusty fire dancing in their dirty loins like a golden hawk, your usual OSHA regulations regarding sexual harassment don't always apply—thank Buddha!

It's honestly been a while since we last saw our old friend Miles Long. So you can imagine our surprise when we learned that he was the artist behind this Third Degree Film masterpiece-in-the-making. Yes, you could say we were titillated...because we would never stoop so low as to be that punny.

Busty beauty Diamond Foxxx shows us once again why she's become the hottest new MILF of 2009, with an incendiary performance that left us drooling from our mouths and genitals and craving more. Her sheer sexual presence and sultry mystique are enough to make you cum in your pants prematurely, and then she gets to work on a hard prick with her mouth, hands, tits and holes—and it's game over.

Former Vivid girl and extraordinary beauty Raylene also stars in this big boob vehicle, her sly smile and ample curves a blessing under any circumstances. She's slow to arouse, her gift the wry art of seduction, but once this hot mama gets her engine cranked up she's an unstoppable sex machine who can take on all cummers.

Sultry sex pots Victoria Valentina, Moxxie Maddron, and Sienna West join in with their jiggling juggs, each presenting memorable and enntertaining performances that will keep you mesmerized.

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Shirts And Skins: "Sporty Girls 3"

Gram Ponante — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

So rarely in porn do we venture into the world of personal trainers and home badminton courts that we forget the affluent have sex, too. The subtext of "Sporty Girls 3" is that all women are pink beneath their whites.

This movie is exceptionally well shot by William H. and edited by Robert Laplance. The team makes these sunny, upbeat, and strenuous interludes with Monique Alexander (fantastic blowjob), Sadie West (competent soccer player), Phoenix Marie (pliant!), Abbey Brooks (thanks for involving men in your life, finally), and the resurgent Hillary Scott that much more effective.

I am not saying that the five women listed above can't do some major damage just standing there, but a movie like this one, which would be a throwaway in other hands (brief setups of women exercising and then playfully seduced by their partners), really knocks it out of the park, making each performer look her sweaty, alluring best.

As a carnivore, I like a little flesh and jiggle. Only volleyballer Abbey Brooks qualifies as voluptuous - everyone else is either whippet thin or, like Phoenix Marie, muscularly sexy - but each vignette displays teamwork, effort, and vigor. I want these women on my side.

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"Barely Legal" Triumphantly Marches Forward

DCypher — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:00:00 EST

In the search of a delicate and absolute truth, Larry Flynt took a whisper hidden in the deepest part of our subconscious and turned it into a roar. Now Hustler invites you to witness a new generation howl.

After more than a decade of "Barely Legal" girls, from delightful Bunny Luv to present day, one would think that the bloom would be off the proverbial rose when it came to the flagship release that spawned a series of imitators, as well as its own spin-off sub-niche. Make no mistake, whatever delirious magic existed from the start, that served to lure us in to a Lolita fueled wonderland of taboo and fulfillment, still eagerly holds sway over us now.

"Barely Legal 101" stars beautiful young women-to-be Allie Haze, Christina Moure, Delia Darling, Courtney Page, and Ally Kay. Each of them is more extraordinary than the last. Each a tender flower, blossoming, their sticky pink petals being delicately fingered open with pristine care, before the final plucking. Not since the wanton orgy tents of Persian God King Xerxes have young ladies in the fragile heat of their own sexual awakening been so revered, so cherished, with each succulent drop of their awkward and precious unveiling being utterly savored.

"Barely Legal 101" should be out in time for the New Year. Keep your eyes open and hold on to your dreams. In the meantime, feel free to take all the time you need getting to know these young ladies from the sample of their sexy wares below. We are certain that, were Nabokov alive today, he would snatch up a copy and relish it with divine zeal and masturbatory purpose.

Swaptastic Shenanigans & Penny Flame In "Wife Switch 8"

DCypher — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:00:00 EST

Pink Visual drops their newest "Wife Switch: this week. With both girls giving us a lesbian tease, then two couples going at it at the same time, it's like tripling the amount of hardcore in every single scene!

We couldn't be happier with the results—well, short of being invited into the juicy action. "Wife Switch 8" features ten couples who are all (ahem) totally brand new to the art of swapping, trying out the swinger thing for the very first time! Okay, we don't buy it either, but we're willing to go along for the ride. That's why it's called suspension of disbelief, right?

The very first scene brought memories flooding back to us. Alex Sanders, Mark Zane, Monica Mayhem, and long lost Penny Flame (of VH1 fame) all get crazy in a four way pile up that is as impressive as it is mesmerizing to watch. Our favorite new Huffington Post blogger shines like a diamond as the meat to this crazy sex sandwich (not to mention the instigator) chowing down on Monica Mayhem's juice box before pairing off with her new lover's boyfriend. The scene delivers a punch, with Mark Zane keeping the heat on.

The rest of the movie, including the scenes with Alex Star, Jay Lassiter, Mackenzie Star, Velicity Von, Anthony Rosano, Justin Magnum, Kayla Carrera, Sara Jessie, Jessica Bangkok, Joey Brass, Kylee Reese, and Scott Lyons, are just as interesting to watch. But the second scene of the show caught our attention just a little more—by about four extra inches in length and three extra inches around.

Claire Dames, Friday, Lee Stone, and the legendary Sledge Hammer put on a show that we could not look away from. Seriously, it was like mixing porn with Cirque De Soleil, minus the clowns and the tight wire. The scene featured acrobatics, heavy lifting, contortionists, sword swallowing, partner exchanging, and death defying acts of cunt stuffing! C'est tres magnifique!

"Wife Switch 8" releases this week from Pink Visual and Blue Moon Productions. Check out this mega ultra super gallery! It's swaptastic!

How The Hot Are Humbled: "Fem Slave 2"

Gram Ponante — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

This is not a true story, as no one looks this good while getting or delivering such a savage humiliation, but Aiden Starr and Sasha Knox in "Fem Slave 2" remind us that Porn really is a holiday fantasyland.

Fem Slave 2

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Aiden Starr, Sasha Knox

Review by: Gram Ponante

Director Mike Ramone, my former editor at AVN, has carved an interesting niche as the director of the "Slave" series, a high-concept day in the life of a group of Masters and slaves, Dommes, Dominants, and submissives that collectively provide the grimmest porn version of this highly ritualized, rule-based lifestyle.

In "Fem Slave 02," we follow evil pixie (she is 4'11") Aiden Starr through her dungeon as she takes fleshy, pink, and vulnerable Sasha Knox through her paces.

Rarely on Planet Earth is there a D/s pairing so attractive as Starr and Knox, and credibility slips a notch further with the relentless gloominess, updated Village People costuming (Starr is both a bottomless nun and a bottomless cop), and Cenobite-friendly soundtrack, but Ramone and Co., once we've suspended our disbelief as expertly as Starr does Knox, deliver an exquisite film about two delicious women playing at power exchange.

Knox spends her nights naked and enclosed in what looks like a giant hanging tea ball. In previous segments of the "Slave" series, audiences got a very intimate view of the proceedings, with just two people on screen. In "Fem Slave 2," the picture is opened up, so we catch glimpses of Starr's support personnel and, occasionally, the flailing feet of another hapless subbie.

One such leather-masked assistant lowers Knox in the teaball for the night's activities, such as getting fucked with a huge black dildo, performing analingus, getting tied up and hung up, penetrated with various objects, and repeatedly reaffirming her worthlessness.

Harsh stuff, and relentless in emphasizing the dynamic over the sex, but the world of the movie (and others in the "Slave" series) is pure and uncomplicated, which is just what those people need.

Starr is a dominatrix when she is not moonlighting in porn or watching SyFy, and Knox recently came out of porn retirement after her stint on "My Bare Lady" and the lonely world of clerical temping. Office work has made her vulnerable, and she, also, is perfectly cast.

While Ramone's days as an editor are over, however, I must take issue with his misspelling of "wont" in the title cards. In the rulebound world of lifestyle BDSM, bitches get slapped for typos.

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"Barely Legal" Overloads With "Brand Spanking New"

DCypher — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:00:00 EST

It was nearly a full year ago that Alex De Large directed the Barely Legal sub niche "Brand Spanking New," but the results are just as prurient today, when it is being released, as they were then.

We're not entirely sure why Barely Legal wouldn't be enough on its own. Adding "Brand Spanking New" almost seems like overkill. With nothing else to go on, we can only assume that they mean to suggest that in addition to being of legal age to plunder their sweet va-jay-jays, these girls are also relatively inexperienced.

The only problem with that is that they have Lana Violet turning in one hell of an aggressive scene full of zest and spunk well beyond her age. Seriously, since when does a barely legal girl who's still exploring her fresh sexuality pull a ball draining suck job off like that? Or get fish hooked? Or take that kind of power drilling with the confidence of a NASCAR driver? Come on now!

Of course, this might explain why nearly a year later she is the only chick in this volume that we know and have met. The others may be long gone now, married, off to college, getting paid for sex by celebrities for all we know, or toiling away without the recognition they deserve.

Ally Ann, Cameron Love, Isis Taylor, and Jessica Right all turn in stunning performances as well, making this an exceptional release for its category. If you like seeing really hot young girls getting turned into sexually satisfied young women, wild in the throes of anticipated ecstasy, possessed by newborn lust, reborn like a cum covered phoenix rising from the shy shell of their former awkwardness, you could do far worse.

"Barely Legal: Brand Spanking New" is available now. Check out our hard earned exclusive gallery and feel free to let us know what you think. Have a safe and happy weekend!

Get Your Mack(Beth) On With This Contest

Ottimo Massimo — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:00:00 EST

And as we end another week, a new pair of star-cross'd lovers (a Fleshbot reader and a porno) shall make their civil hands unclean.

We'd like to take a moment and thank Madison Young for presenting "The Curse of MacBeth" to the world. She has a lot of guts for fucking with Shakespeare (literally penis-and-vagina-ing Shakespeare), and it's something we'd like to see more of. As always, that's where you, the highly literate and ever-creative Fleshbot readers, come in.

For this week's contest, we'd like to hear you flirt. Spit your game in Shakespearean English for some fly 17th Century honeys. If you were approached by a couple of foxy wenches, what would you say to free them of their frocks? Imitate Shakespeare however you'd like; rhyme, meter, word choice, and confusing innuendos are just a few of the tools at your disposal.

Post your entries in the comments section. Perhaps your skillful persuasions will prompt parody porn directors to set their sights on some classic theater. Or maybe some you'll make an impression on some horny drama major. It's hard to say. What we can say is the winner will receive a copy of "The Curse of MacBeth" and mad Thespian street cred.

Speaking of street cred, it's time for us to give some out! Last week's odes to Lisa Ann produced some glorious work. If she read this site (does she read this site?), she would be most flattered. But this moment is not about Lisa Ann; it's about you.

As always, all of the entries were brilliant. Beaker delivered another volley of clever haiku. mattyte made a strong endorsement for MILF-assisted death:

Queen of the Cougars
Being mauled by Lisa Ann
Perfect way to go

On the longer side of things, Dethzilla treated us to a near-epic poem about reincarnation. We're guessing you'd need about a billion karma points to come back as anything close to Lisa Ann, but we nonetheless love the line the silent motorboat.

But we have to give it up to offred, whose adoration for Lisa Ann is only matched by his powers of iambic pentameter.

Ode to Lisa Ann (A Sonnet - my first attempt at one, be gentle)

Oh Lisa Ann, thy subjects will be true
Toward thy bosom, hanging like ripe fruit.
Its ample offers craft a heady brew,
That clouds the minds of even the astute.

By teaming with the fair Julia Ann,
Thou plays in waters leading thou to shiver.
To watch thy exploits will lead ev'ry man,
To tremble, with their manhoods all a-quiver.

When I was young and green in days of yore,
I quested vainly to attract a sylph.
Alas, I now know that which I adore;
The beauteous curves found only on a MILF.

My want for thou is not for Sarah Palin,
But to go rogue in a fit of heedless nailin'.

Anyone who rhymes "sylph" with "MILF" is a baller in our book. Congratulations, offred! You just earned yourself a fresh, soggy copy of Wet! We'll be contacting you through your profile page to let you know how to claim your prize.

· Madison Young picture via Jizz Bomb (nsgalleries.com)

If The Russians Love Their "Schoolgirls" Too

Gram Ponante — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:30:01 EST

One thing we lack in America is a strong tradition of boarding school-based pornography like they have in Europe, what with their "Young Harlots," "Suspiria," and now "Russian Institute: Back to School." How would our pornstresses handle a French voiceover?

You might say that "The Facts of Life" was pornographic, or even "Dead Poets' Society" with its glabrous scholars. But, aside from American porn's obsession with (but lack of proper use of) the tartan skirt and an occasional peek at Tootie's patootie, we simply lack the class structure to relate to the Sapphic goings-on between girls of privilege and the rough country swains who service their boarding school kitchens.

Director Herve Bodilis leads us through the story of Sabrina and her Francophone friends, all attendees at the Russian Institute. Sabrina is presented to crude village workmen on her first day, and then we watch as she makes her way through the teaching staff.

This movie was literally incomprehensible as I do not speak French, but because the language of the porn narrative is universal, the movie ends not when Sabrina wins her scholarship to the Sorbonne, but when the fifth scene ends.

True to Euro tradition, however, there is a lot of fucking outside and in the ass in this film, and that is more than adequate compensation for my continued puzzlement about how Russians were involved.

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"Gangbang Squad" Goes All Out For Lucky Number "16"

DCypher — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:00:00 EST

If you've ever dreamed of getting the stuffing fucked out of you by about seventy-two consecutive inches of beer-can-wide, hard, black cock, or just enjoy watching other people take it, have we got a treat for you.

That's right campers—our good friends over at Pink Visual have sent over this massive collection of pictures from their latest volume of the "Gangbang Squad" featuring lovely cum covered angels like Amber Rayne, Aurora Snow, Anita Blue, Katie Angel, and Hollie Mae Holmes.

Sexy Amber Rayne is no stranger to taking any and all cocks you can send her way. This dirty little angel has an extraordinary sexuality that knows no bounds. Thank Buddha! We are certain that she could carry this opus on her own, taking on forty or more guys if she had the time and a little notice to stretch. If anyone deserves some recognition as 'Performer of the Year' she does. We'd be happy to give it to her any day of the week!

Aurora Snow proves that she hasn't changed a bit since her decadent Sin City days. She's still the pint-sized queen of taking big black cocks in every hole until her lovers balls are fully drained and they are satisfied. She's entertained more men than football, UFC, and that cheesy Victoria Secret Fashion show combined—and is still ready for more. It's great to see her back in action. She will always be one of our favorites, because she loves every minute of sucking and fucking she can get—and it shows.

"Gangbang Squad 16" comes out from Pink Visual this month. Look for it...after you check out this huge gallery of course. We suggest you do it a little at a time, bookmarking the page and coming back when you've had time to, um, recover. If you are like us it's going to be something you want to savor, not gobble down and throw out. This set alone could keep an average man happy for the rest of the cold holiday nights to cum.

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