One Night Stand

Studio: Viv Thomas
Director: Tom Stewart
Cast: Simony, Cory Baby, Kira Valentine, Niki Montana, Mya Diamond, Barbara Voice, Tera Bond, Tiffany

Review by: Gram Ponante

I live in Los Angeles and love it here. But I know that those little bits of tenderness and magic that populate Steve Martin's movies and Tom Petty's songs about L.A. are few and far between.

In other words, experience has proven otherwise.

Despite this, I really want to go to the Czech Republic and find the bar where the aggressive nymphos of "One Night Stand" hang out.

Where but in the Czech Republic, I ask you, can a man with a "Suck My Dick" shirt have unprotected sex with two women who pick him up at a bar, one of whom is Barbara Voice, for whom I would gladly arrange a green card wedding?

Where but in the Czech Republic can an oversexed trollop pick up the indifferent and possibly gay DJ and bring him back to the home team?

"One Night Stand" was made in 2004, which by American porn standards was like 1994, which by my standards is just right. Everyone looks healthy and happy and juicy because, though they knew about 9/11 in Europe in 2004, they didn't know about it in America in 1994. Get what I mean? It's like they were all just glad to have survived the Northridge Quake.

I liked this Playboy Benelux production (Playboy Europe goes a lot harder than its stateside counterpart); it depicted a country awash in the audacity of hope and loose Caucasians before the rest of the world caught on

· Viv Thomas (vivthomas.com)
· Buy "One Night Stand" (vivthomas.com)

This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX

Studio: Hustler
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Nick Manning, Sinclair, Tori Black, Faye Reagan, Payton Leigh, Scott Lyons, James Bartholet, Madison Scott, Jaclyn Case, Sarah Jessie, Shawna Lenee, Kristina Rose, Dane Cross, Eric Swiss, and Kris Slater

Review by: Gram Ponante

Now that the porn DVD market has been thrown a lifeline by the "Not the - ," "This Ain't the -," and " - XXX" parodies, it has been interesting to watch how some of them try harder than others. "This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX" is really good, and it owes its success to its producers and cast not coasting on a few token set pieces and costumes to cash in.

Keith (Nick Manning in probably his most non-ironic performance ever) is feeling down. A terrible sense of ennui has sapped him of both his songwriting ability and his ability to get dates. His know-it-all brother Danny (Sinclair) finds an aphrodisiac oin the back of a magazine and hilarity ensues as each member of the family reaps the sexual rewards of the elixir.

All except Keith, who holds out because he's worried about his hair.

While the occasions for sex might be as contrived as the plot of a 70's TV show, that this is a parody of a 70's TV show makes the contrivances organic and fun. In fact, what makes this porn movie so enjoyable is the sense of fun throughout the scenes. Laurie (Tori Black), has the following conversation with Eric Swiss:

"Do you have any rubbers?" she asks.

"No, I don't think I have," he says. And Laurie waits half a moment before saying:

"Just don't come inside me."

And the family band is just as good/bad as it was in the original, with each member lip-synching badly at the same time they are overemoting. You might say this is pornic incompetence masquerading as artistic choice, but this isn't Eon McKai: director Will Ryder really studied the original show and the same corny humor and lightheartedness are just as at home in a porn setting.

Faye Reagan is adorable in her scene with Dane Cross and James Bartholet as Ruben might be the Charles Nelson Reilly of porn acting.

When Keith finally gives in to enhancement drugs he comes back with a vengeance, all over Shawna Lenee and two girlfriends, in fact.

He does not say "Dropping loads," however, depriving the movie's money shot of Manning's standard money shot-within-a-money shot. But I guess he refrained because the Good of the Project demanded something different of him.

But Shawna Lenee, who looks like a standard-issue blondie porn star but to her credit neither talks nor acts like one - it's like she's a dark horse behind that Clorox and silicone - has one of the best lines in the movie:

"Come for us, Keith!"

Thus the plot resolves itself and Keith learns some things in the process.

"Songwriting comes from my heart," he says. "And the reason chicks are attracted to me is because I play guitar and have great hair."

That a viewer will watch this movie actively rooting for the characters to have sex - and be rewarded - seems like a great recommendation for a porn flick.

· Hustler (Hustler.com)
· Buy "This Ain't the Partridge Family XXX" (gamelink.com)

Cum Scene Investigation 5

Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Rico, Craig Valentine
Cast: India Summer, Leah Wilde, Peyton, Allison Pierce, Aaralyn Barra, Lexi Lamour, Ethan Cage, Jeremy, Jack Vegas

Review by: Gram Ponante

"Cum Scene Investigation 5" has nothing at all to do with law enforcement or cities with dark underbellies just brimming with local actors satisfied with 5-and-under AFTRA contracts.

Not only that, but the movie also can't stick to one format in this compilation from the company's various Internet series. There's something from "Couples Seduce Teens," something from "AutoBang Sluts" (Sluts in a Car, to distinguish the series from rival Bang Bus), and, I don't know, "I Fuck for Sandwiches."

That is not to say the movie isn't good. I would watch Lexi ("Have you ever, like, had a threesome?") Lamour do anything, and if I were a scared 19-year-old girl, I would totes be seduced by her. Also, I was impressed with Aaralyn Barra in the final scene, in which I was reminded of the Cyndi Lauper That Might Have Been.

Still, the dramaturg in me rebelled against this blatant abuse of accepted porn ripoff conventions. The guys didn't even ejaculate on the same body parts in each scene. It should have been called "NYPD Goo."

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Cum Scene Investigation 5" (gamelink.com)

Slave 01

At first, all we hear above the Blackness is the dragging of a chain, as if Marley's Ghost has returned to the attic of the Cenobites. We are filled with unease. Master Eric wakes at 8 a.m. in his Porn Valley home and, without pausing to dress, wash, or gargle, pads downstairs to the hall closet, whip in hand, where a bound Moxxie has been placed for safekeeping.

This is "Slave 01," a feel-good snapshot of suburban domination and submission, using easy-to-find household products.

Maddron would look good no matter what she was wearing or not wearing, but here she is dolled up in bondage drag with eye mask, hoop earrings, and handcuffs. Eric relaxes some of these restraints so that she may give him a percussive blowjob in the downstairs bathroom.

"There's a good fucking little whore," says Eric.

Already director Ramone, a former editor of adult trade industry magazine AVN, is subverting our idea of the D/s relationship: Who would've imagined carpeting?

Then Eric bids Maddron lick the toilet. If this is what happens before 9 a.m., we can imagine what will happen by suppertime.

And indeed the day is broken into time-stamped title cards. At noon is a dildo session on the granite countertop, and at 4 we are told that "slave" (always in minuscule) will get the privilege of feasting on Master's asshole. Unfortunately, 4 p.m. is naptime for us, so we skipped that part.

We return at 7 to see that slave is to offer her "filthy, smelly pussy" to Master and are further told that it is irrelevant if she gets any pleasure from it. Yet there she is stimulating herself as he fucks her. Sneaky slave! No sequel for you!

Something happens at 10 p.m. that will make you reconsider what the Lions Club was cooking the hot dogs in at that Motocross event last summer.

Finally, at midnight, slave is placed back in her closet. We wonder what she ate or if she voided her bowels or returned e-mails at all during the day. It is not ours to know.

If the depredations visited upon Maddron in "Slave 01" are not your style, if you do not like the "filthy whore" school of pornography, then this movie is not for you. There is nothing lighthearted about it. But if you find the idea of lifestyle BDSM, with its rules, rigging, and rigidity the slightest bit compelling, then this movie is a straightforward, thoughtful, and rulebound effort.

(For example, we don't see Swiss' face until the end, and the camera always lingers on Maddron after every interlude as Swiss leaves her alone, perhaps to reflect on how good she's got it.)

And if not compelling, then at the least campy. The title cards could have used some editing, but Ramone is a director now and can't cater to the whims of reviewers. The bits of interstitial text seem like great alternate directions for a bachelorette party or Easter Egg Hunt.

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Mike Ramone
Cast: Eric Swiss, Moxxie Maddron

Review by: Gram Ponante

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)
· Buy "Slave 01" (jerkoffzone.com)

See how Rocco Siffredi upends our sensibilities after the gap. (Just don't mention the title to PETA.)

. . .

The opening of European star Rocco Siffredi's "Animal Trainer 24" finds an artist painting two mesh-clad models, one adventurous, one overcome with Euro-ennui, as some homunculus emerges from a nearby stream and begins posing with them. If the whole continent hadn't been ruined for me by "The Final Countdown," I'd be on a plane there right now.

Eventually the painter gets in on the action, too, as the narrative demands.

The next scene joins the previous one in dispelling the myth that European porn actresses lack affect. The game Caty says, in English broken just the right way, that she "like to be this way." She is slapped around with a penis as the narrative demands.

In the next scene, an artist colony setting, Siffredi surprises two nymphs spying on one of his muses. "Are you scared?" he says to one of them, holding out a ball gag. "You know what's that." Another man joins in.

"It's too much!" says the muse.

"It's not too much," replies Siffredi.

Siffredi's performers dive into each other like a bowl of spaghetti. They slap, they spit, they fall over themselves to get at each other. While the camera never seems to pan out far enough or stay anywhere long enough to provide the flesh landscapes Americans enjoy, what Rocco's movies do is paint a picture of a place in which everyone and his brother - as well as a sea monster - get in on the action.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Rocco: Animal Trainer 24" (tlavideo.com)

If sex is not integral to the plot of a porn movie, if it is instead peripheral or interstitial, then how should the non-sex aspects of the porn movie be judged? Where stereotypically porny acting showed up (but only occasionally) in movies like Upload and O: The Power of Submission, viewers could at least be consoled with the idea that the movies were about sex and its politics and applications.

Comedy porns like "Pirates" and "The Da Vinci Load" also make up for lower-rent production values by either commenting on themselves or getting out of the way of zesty performances. Hearts And Minds 2: Modern Warfare opens with a search and rescue mission gone awry in a distant and dusty land, and military wife Ashlynn Brooke getting the news stateside.

The first problem is one easily filed under Good Problems to Have: Brooke approaches the fateful news-bearing mailbox looking sweater-bustingly delicious in short jean cutoffs. Whatever the viewer's opinion of the war, he simply cannot understand why Brooke's husband ever left.

Back in Rentallocationistan Brooke's husband, Tommy Gunn, leads a squad of Heroes that have just been told that help isn't coming for a long time. Cassandra Cruz takes the opportunity to have a private pee on some ruins. Then she gets sloppy; finding a jug of water, she gives herself an impromptu sponge bath, fantasizing about fellow grunt Anthony Rosano against a sonic background of what appears to be cut-rate Garage Band Youssou N'Dour-lite. When in Unspecified Arabia...

This is not to say that we don't want Cruz to do exactly this and wind up writhing in the dust like a jackhammer, but I suspect we don't need a whole war movie built around such things.

By now we've settled into how good "Hearts And Minds 2" is For A Porno (FAP). Written and produced by Nic Andrews, long a director of high-end projects for Vivid, New Sensations, and Digital Playground before a three-year hiatus, and directed by Andre Madness, "HAM2" goes the extra mile in making sure all the uniforms look alike and the performers hold their prop weapons the right way.

We don't forgive the movie when the squad of heavily-armed Americans is attacked by all of three jihadists wearing gingham do-rags, or when the cab bringing one of our heroes home inexplicably lingers, but we do appreciate the honest efforts of the performers in delivering dialogue that is not necessarily bad but, in terms of the things any reasonable person expects from a porn movie, is still useless.

As the squad waits to be picked up, its members think about what they left back home. Gunn writes a letter to Brooke and, in a moment both Capraesque and porny, Tyler Knight gets a video message from girlfriend Samantha Ryan, who touchingly tells him that she will be faithful to him aside from the girl that she proceeds to do, by webcam, for his pleasure.

We delight when soldier Jack Lawrence's home reminiscences include not only his hand-built sports car but also newcomer siren Sadie West and, though neither Tommy Gunn nor Army wife Brooke wear wedding rings, he does drop a load on her stomach that most could not summon even after several tours of duty.

So I award "Hearts And Minds 2" an A for effort, and have a new appreciation for reunions with Ashlynn Brooke in the morning sunshine and trysts with Sadie West on the hood of a car. I'm just not sure about the war.

"Hearts And Minds 2" will be released at the end of September.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Hearts And Minds 2: Modern Warfare
Studio: New Sensations
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Tommy Gunn, Cassandra Cruz, Tyler Knight, Jack Larence, Seth Dickens, Marie McCray, Celeste Star, Samantha Ryan, Anthony Rosano

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· See also: Meet Sadie West (gramponante.com)

. . .

The latest of porn's attempts to marry the pageantry of wrestling to the domain of fake internal popshots, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling," like its predecessors bankrolled by Extreme Associates and Sin City in the late '90s and early oughts, has realized that the flimsy high concept storytelling of porn has been used in wrestling for generations.

But unlike its forebears, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" throws a little more sex the audience's way, performed by the likes of Kendra Secrets and Chyanne Jewel, who would be R. Crumb's powerful-legged heroines if he ever switched jobs with Vince McMahon.

How it works is this: actual wrestlers with their standard backstories (stole my belt, slept with my girlfriend, etc.) intersperse "legitimate" matches in a sparsely populated hall with wrestling grudge-related sex scenes between the aforementioned pornstresses and people like Evan Stone and Lee Stone. So, for example, Craig Valentine gets back at wrestling rival Evan Stone by showing a video of himself fucking Kendra Secrets.

"Beat that pussy up," Secrets says.

"Make sure when you kiss her on the lips," Valentine says to Stone, "you say hello to my kids, because they're hanging off her chin."

You get the idea.

This series has promise, but it was inevitable that it did not live up to its hype. I get a couple of press releases every week for this, and to watch the poorly rehearsed and scripted video, where viewers can hear each audience member clapping (there seem to be about ten), seems like kids' exercises in putting on "skits" for the new video camera, circa 1986.

Free of any real direction, the hammiest performers do well. Enter Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy. Stone knows this is a laugh, and we hope he got his day rate. He shows up in armor, for example.

Making the moves on "Vampire Warrior"'s girlfriend, Chyanne, Stone reveals that "on the road, wrestlers talk."

Jeremy, as a color commentator opposite a wrestler named Angelo "A Train," works his ass off like a Poconos comedian in a tough room.

The room itself appears to be a massive Florida strip club, rented for a couple of days.

Staying true to the pro-wrestling format of betrayal and vendetta, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" to its credit fills the disc with several sex scenes and plenty of wrestling, as well as interstitial exposition of why everyone is so mad at each other. Some people are cheap, others introduced their former friends' daughters to porn, etc. Like watching wrestling without sex, it gets confusing to follow the storlyline sometimes.

While Mary Carey and Tyler Faith are in the movie, they do not show up in sex scenes. Those go to Secrets, Keeanie Lei, and Jessica Haze.

As a porn flick, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" could have stood some improvement, but I say with all honesty that if you like professional wrestling, you will like this movie.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Not Rated Pro Wrestling
Studio: New Porn Order
Director: Craig Valentine
Cast: Matt Bateman, Snakemaster Abudadene, Blackheart, Pablo Marquez, Loaded Cash, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, Billy Blade, Annie Social, Buff Bagwell, Misty, Lee Stone, Keeanie Lei, Mary Carey, Doc Rivers, Mr. Montana, Tyler Faith, Jessica Haze, Vampire Warrior, Too Cold Scorpio, Evan Stone, Craig Valentine, Chyanne Jewel, Dick Fitzwell, "Knockout" Nikki, All the Money, Ron Jeremy, A Train

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)
· Buy "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" (gamelink.com)

"You've no idea what you've gotten yourself into, do you?" asks Mistress Berlin, a female dominatrix palling around with transsexual diva Gia Darling, of hapless door-to-door salesman Julian when he dares to pitch her on insurance coverage in this economy. The scene opens "Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass," a BDSM/tranny/pegging twist on classic lighthearted porn romps.

"I don't need insurance," the glorious Berlin says. "I just need a little bitch."

And that's what Julian becomes. Berlin humiliates and flogs him, and submits him to harsh questioning.

"What kind of man lets this happen to him?" she asks, already knowing the answer.

At this point I did not know what would happen. I hoped Berlin would, by some act of Providence, become naked and oiled, and that my phone would ring and I'd be called in to save the scene for straight porn fans everywhere. But I also enjoyed listening to her well-informed ad libs, and I anticipated the reveal when Darling emerged with her man-junk all a'dangle.

The most inevitable (and as any drama critic would tell you) and therefore the most satisfying line comes from Julian:

"That's not a pussy."

What follows is replicated in the rest of the movie's five scenes: hot dominatrix fucks luckless interloper with a strap-on as he blows Gia Darling or other transsexual helper, then he is allowed to jerk himself off. Dominatrices keep their clothes on but the trannies do not. The sub,missives are tarted up in skirts and panties, leather and chains.

There is a lot of eye candy for the straight audience, but no money shots in the way we normally expect them. Still, as a snapshot of the growing tranny/sissy/domme threesome subniche, the power play and (especially in Berlin's case) the dialogue are really fun.

Darling as director and performer knows to let her dommes take the lead roles in this movie, and I'm sure purists of this genre will appreciate the authentic hierarchy.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!
Studio: Third World Media
Director: Gia Darling
Cast: Gia Darling, Mistress Berlin, Mistress Julianm Mistress Nicolette, Mistress Gemini, Mistress Jeannine, Ms. J, Orion Cross, Luke Cross, Jesse, Enrique Currero

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass!" (gamelink.com)

jessica drake is Zoe as today's Wicked Girl on a mission in "Kissing Girls," in which the long-leggedy pornstress lets us know (in standard-issue voiceover form) that this will be her year to climb the corporate ladder, make the world a better place, and find her soulmate. (As this line cuts to her trysting with Eric Masterson, we can assume that he is not it, else the movie would be very short.)

"He understood my passions and dealt with my neuroses," she says of him. But when he tells her to hurry because his wife will be home soon, she knows it isn't to be. We know that the movie will be about dipping her toe in the world of women.

Like Hustler is hitting a groove with (or at least spending a lot of time on) its "parody" movies, Wicked is co-opting mainstream successes and making them a little more porny. "Kissing Girls" is, obviously, Wicked's "Kissing Jessica Stein."

Frustrated with men, Zoe answers a personal ad. From a girl. At first she is hesitant, but when a montage sequence reveals that alll men are crazy, she reconsiders."Besides," she says, "aren't all women lesbians these days? Bisexual? Swingers? Isn't that all the rage?"

All the rage in Hell, maybe.

Anyway, drake bites the bullet and meets Moonbeam (Dana DeArmond), and they hit it off on Wicked's muted pastel restaurant set. And they have so much in common! They're both Scorpios, they like to drive, and neither likes labels! But they do like labia.

Moonbeam tells Zoe about first finding a woman attractive, when she caught her babysitter (Scarlett Fay) having sex with her 40-year-old boyfriend. Luckily, we don't see 12-year-old Moonbeam peaking around the curtains. We're also proud of ourselves that we guessed how another sex scene would be shoehorned in before Zoe and Moonbeam's inevitable coupling.

drake and DeArmond at first seem an unlikely porn pair, but DeArmond handles the transition from gaping and choking to couples'-friendly lesbo scene with aplomb, and even inspires the best ad-lib of the movie when drake says, "If I had a cock you'd be in trouble."

I've said it before and I say it again: it's great jessica drake does not have a cock.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Kissing Girls
Studio: Wicked
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: jessica drake, Dana DeArmond, Scarlett Fay, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade, Eric Masterson, Barry Scott, August

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Kissing Girls" (gamelink.com)

Thankfully, Nina Hartley is here to offer her assistance, in the form of "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex." With the help of bondage model and expert Claire Adams, Nina walks bondage beginners through all the basics of getting down and dirty while bound ... and throws in some super hot sex scenes by way of illustration.

Depending on your expectations, your enjoyment of the film may vary. For one thing, this is definitely some education with a side of porn and not the other way around: the film goes a full half hour without anyone getting naked, and the sex scenes themselves are heavily laced with instruction and tips.

Additionally, the film focuses on women tying up women and men tying up women, without a single bound man in sight. Yes, there are elements of bondage that are universal, and the film offers helpful insights for anyone looking to get bound and gagged. But if you're hoping for, say, some serious cock and ball torture action, this isn't the flick for you.

Nerds that we are, we still enjoyed learning the ins and outs of bondage sex—like what positions are best, how to tie a good knot, and all the fun little bondage gadgets. But we'd still recommend viewing this video when you're in a learning mood, not a fapping mood. You're bound to get something good out of watching the video, but it just might not be until after you've watched it, when you're putting Nina's lessons to good use.

• "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex" (adameve.com)
• Order: "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex" (Adult DVD Empire)

. . .

"Some say the path we take is guided by Fate or unseen forces," intones Lei in the voiceover, which is immediately reminiscent of the sort of stylish, formulaic, safe, and Skinemax -ready porn Wicked produces so well, or at least so frequently.

How does one become a hooker accidentally? Well, if you looked like Kaylani Lei and you were walking down Hollywood Boulevard dressed to enhance all your Kaylani Leitude whilst absently sucking your soft drink from a straw, it would be within reason for the common passerby to at least hope you were a hooker.

And the passerby would be right, because hooker Lei is en route to an interview about how she became a hooker accidentally. Turns out she met a dude, Marcus (Armstrong), online who wasted no time sampling the goods once they finally met.

"He didn't seem to be an axe murderer or anything," Lei recalled. Waking up alone, Lei was surprised to find $500 by her bedside.

Was she a hooker? Who knows. Marcus invites her to L.A. and at the airport she is greeted by a limousine containing not Marcus but instead a man named Deep Threat.

"Little did I know that it would change my life - " says Lei in the voiceover.

(wait for it)

" - forever."

"I realized I crossed a line," she says.

(wait for it)

" - that could never be uncrossed."

Also:

"I had changed - "

(wait for it)

" - and this was only the beginning."

Lei begins a crazy joyride of sex for money, immersing herself in "the life," in which intimacy, commerce, and hedonism coexist in an uneasy colloidal stew - forever. She fucks other women, rich swains at the opera, guys at the car wash, couples, anything that pays.

Wicked cannot solve this problem, but in the scene with Shyla Stylez and Tommy Gunn as the couple Lei beds, the movie falls victim to something that happens in porn all the time: Stylez looks more like a hooker than the person playing a hooker. It's like the Monty Python "Bicycle Repair Man" sketch, where everyone is a superhero.

But the highs become fewer and farther between.

"Every once in a while you ask yourself, 'What am I doing?'" Lei tells her interviewer.

"Why don't you just stop?" he asks.

"That's easier said than done," she says, blowing cigarette smoke. "You can't just walk away. It's in your blood. It's what you know. It's what you are. No matter how hard you try, you het sucked right back in. You're in for life. And sometimes? That feels like an eternity."

I hand it to Wicked for yet another unflinching look at the world of high-priced call girls this summer, the other being Latina Hollywood Hookers.

But just when you condemn Wicked for padding the script, you realize that all those (or most of those) sodden sentences work up to a twist ending like that Tom Cruise Isn't Gay Enough movie.

Like M. Night Shyamalan projects, the twist endings over the years have yielded diminished returns since The Sixth Sense. But this is porn, so we've got at least ten more years of them. So I'll leave it to you to decide if the twist redeems the movie.

Review by: Gram Ponante

. . .

The Accidental Hooker

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Shyla Stylez, Victoria Sin, Mikayla, Devon Lee, Jennifer Dark, Brad Armstrong, Tommy Gunn, Deep Threat, Niko, Barrett Blade, Derrick Pierce, Marcus London

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "The Accidental Hooker" (gamelink.com)

So how did it stack up? Our thoughts (and a preview clip) after the jump.

. . .

While hot porn that also educates may be Tristan's signature style, it seems it's not the hallmark of all Vivid-Ed releases. Though there's a lot of good about this release, it falls a little flat when it comes to sheer hotness—ultimately registering as a little more ed than sexy. The performers are hot, and the information is good, but unlike Tristan's previous Expert Guides to blowjobs or anal sex it never quite feels like the kind of educational porn flick you'd want to jack off to. As the information rolls by, there's too much to absorb and take in; it's a little hard to just lie back and get into it when so much is being thrown at you.

But if you're more interested in a video that will guide you through various positions than some hot porn that will happen to teach you a little something along the way, then "Positions" may just be what you're looking for. With short scenes on 18 different positions, and detailed information about the benefits and shortcomings of each, "Positions" leaves no stone untouched. Have a long, thin penis, or a partner who likes shallow penetration? Try the Pancake. Want a girl-on-top position that's easy on the knees? Go with the Froggie.

Though this release wasn't quite what we'd hoped for, we're still happy to see Vivid-Ed working hard to make sex education sexy, or at least provide some helpful information through porn. For a lot of people, porn is already an important (if not their only) source of sex education, so it's good to know that Vivid-Ed is making sure they get some solid information along with their titillation. Now if they'd just put out the "Expert Guide To Gape Rimming," we'd be totally set.

· Vivid-Ed (vivid-ed.com)

· Buy "The Expert Guide To Positions" (adult.dvdempire.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Tristan Taormino Gets Up Close And Personal With The G-Spot (Really!), Tristan Taormino Explains It All For You: "Expert Guide to Oral Sex Part 2", DVD: Tristan Taormino's "Expert Guide To Anal Sex"

In April, 2008 Evil Angel founder and director John Stagliano was indicted on obscenity charges in the type of case that has become familiar to First Amendment watchers who are also porn consumers: several Evil Angel titles, as well as trailers for a Belladonna movie, were obtained in a United States county in which "community standards" seemed rigid enough to bring charges of obscenity. In 2009 the case will likely go to trial.

Notwithstanding (of course) that the titles in question arrived by request of someone over 18 years of age, as they did in dozens of more lenient counties throughout the United States, Stagliano now faces an expensive legal battle in a season that has also seen court cases against the more extreme JM Productions and Max Hardcore.

"Defend Our Porn" is a compilation DVD of scenes from every current Evil Angel director, as well as alumnus Jules Jordan. And it also features a brand new scene with Tricia Devereaux, Stagliano's wife. Proceeds from the 16-scene, 10-hour, 3-DVD box will defray Stagliano's legal bills.

What is remarkable about the Evil Angel case is that, though the company is undeniably hardcore, it is less so, and far more arty, than the year's other porn defendants. A case against Evil Angel bodes ill for more mainstream adult companies.

So, as both a compilation "Best of" DVD and as a statement of rights, "Defend Our Porn" starts with a bang in a scene with the irrepressible Nacho Vidal from "Fashionistas Safado: Berlin". No male performer can hold a candle to Nacho in the talking dirty department. "Why did you come here with underwear?" is one of his gems. Melissa Lauren handles this onslaught with fear and aplomb.

Then veteran director John Leslie presents a scene with Naomi. This scene is reminiscent of mid-90's porn and Naomi is definitely the type of model who embodies that vibe and is beloved of fans of that era. Naomi, I am required to say, has an amazing ass. With it she coaxes a load from James Deen that I expect he is still proud of.

In an outdoor scene from Rocco Siffredi's "Rocco's Way to Love," (I'm hoping this is a translation), Kelly Stafford performs in a headlight-lit gangbang. It reminded me a little of "Rebel Without A Cause" if that movie had ended the way I wanted it to.

"Do you want to see the throat fucking doctor?" a game Sasha Grey is asked in "Face Fucking Inc.," a departure from the grainier previous scenes. What sets this scene apart is the Porn Valley-ness of the proceedings, clothing, and lighting, but Sasha Grey lends the scene star power and makes it memorable. Really, porn is about the people.

Nacho then returns with Avy Scott in a scene that would have been creepy even without the monkey.

Disc Two includes part of Belladonna's return to guys, "Cock Happy," as well as an Eva Angelina gangbang in which the 2008 AVN Best Actress is used most jubilantly. Mia Rose appears in a scene with Manuel Ferrara that establishes her as the anti-Teagan. Unlike the harder-looking or more Euro-style Evil Angel performers, the diminutive Rose is all Porn Valley, but uncharacteristically self-aware.

Disc Three includes a performance by The Unsinkable Sandra Romain (on a spotless beige rug). Belladonna returns deliciously in a scene from Jules Jordan's "Ass Worship," and, in the set's one original outing, Tricia Devereaux comes out of retirement for a clothespinny scene with Derrick Pierce.

"I told you I was in love with my husband," she says.

"That's not what we're talking about, is it?" he says.

Of all the great, blitzkrieg excerpts in "Defend Our Porn", this final segment takes its time and benefits from it. Devereaux was nervous about this scene. She's older, she's put on some weight—all the things that make women uncomfortable, even in (or especially in) porn. But she looks great, of course, and, much as it is a signature pleasure watching all the teenagers flying around on the other discs, to watch grown women Romain, Belladonna, and Devereaux get (and give) the business in Disc Three is a real payoff.

"Defend Our Porn" is a fundraising effort but it is also a loadblowingly good value for all the diverse, quality porn it provides.

Defend Our Porn

Studio: Evil Angel
Director: Belladonna, Christoph Clark, Jules Jordan, Jonni Darkko, Rocco Siffredi, John Leslie, Raul Christian, Jazz Duro, Jay Sin
Cast: Avy Scott, Belladonna, Dana DeArmond, Eva Angelina, Holly Wellin, Jack Venice, James Deen, Jazz Duro, Jules Jordan, Lexington Steele, Manuel Ferrara, Mark Wood, Melissa Lauren, Mia Rose, Mick Blue, Nacho Vidal, Naomi, Nikki Jayne, Rocco Siffredi, Sandra Romain, Sasha Grey, Tricia Devereaux, Derrick Pierce

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Defend Our Porn (defendourporn.org)
· Buy "Defend Our Porn" (gamelink.com)

Well, for starters, declaring it to be "The Orgy Edition" certainly doesn't hurt. Nor does kicking off the action with some poolside lovin'. Long before Tristan's even had a chance to explain the house rules, Penny Flame and Evan Stone are already getting to know each other better. In our book, that's a pretty promising beginning ...

And even after the action moves inside, "Chemistry 4" continues to deliver. As you might expect, there's a lot of group sex in this flick: over the course of several hours, the cast breaks apart and recombines into twosomes, threesomes, foursomes, and, yes, orgies (sorry, we have a house ban on the word "moresome"). And just how hot do things get? Check out the following clip:

Overall, "Chemistry 4" is a steamy selection of cinema, but it's certainly not without its flaws. Though most of the porn star confessionals help heighten the movie's intensity, there are a few that take away from the experience. Sometimes, actions are just louder than words, particularly when you're in the middle of watching a seriously hot fuck session.

But overall, Tristan Taormino has proved time and time again that she has a knack for getting hot performances from hot performers—and "Chemistry 4" doesn't disappoint. We're already looking forward to "Chemistry 5", and we can't give the series a higher compliment than that.

· Buy "Chemistry Vol. 4" (gamelink.com)
· Vivid (vivid.com)

* * * * *

Previously: "Chemistry 4" Proves More Is Merrier

Is Kaylani Lei dead? The movie begins in a gauzy, brightly-lit room where she cavorts with a man in white underpants. According to the Porn Valley Book of the Dead, this and her four-inch white stilletos point to the Afterlife. But something is wrong; the apparition she's with appears to be Nick Manning in all that oversaturation, but it's not. Is she in Heaven or in Hell? We can't tell. Also, because the room is so white, we can't tell if a load has been dropped.

But wait. It's all a dream! Sandy (Lei) was only dreaming. It's Monday morning; she's not making love to an angel, she's a lonely working girl with a dog, and she's late for her carpool.

The car ride to the office is filled with the type of banter acting that reminds one of locally produced AM radio commercials. It's comforting. It says that, no matter how expensive the camera package and editing rig, that porn directors know the real reason people watch porn is for the sex.

It seems the office is going to undergo a round of layoffs, say the carpoolers. But, just as the movie opened with a more or less gratuitous sex scene (and I'm not saying there is anything bad about gratuitous sex in a porn movie), we now have the opportunity, through the porn-narrative techniques of exposition and flashback, to review each passenger's weekend sexcapades.

In the slow drive around the neighborhood, nerdy Jimmy recounts how he bedded a stripper in Vegas after a winning night at the blackjack table. He must've won big, because Hooker didn't make him wear a condom! Outside his casino-comped room, neon lights flash. Production design! Then the stripper's luchador husband arrives.

Then it's middle-aged Bob (Herschel Savage)'s turn. He and his wife get ready for a night of role-playing by talking about the APR on their leased vehicles. Wicked's couples'-friendly credo is this: See? Dom/sub couples are just like you.

"Next week, we're going to try something called erotic asphyxiation," Bob says.

Around this time I was waiting for the weekend adventures of the driver of the carpool, Sue. "I bet those glasses are just a beard for her sexual hellcattery," I said.

But Kaylani is the contract girl, so she gets her second sex scene first. She has a threesome with her friend and the pizza guy. The pizza guy. Never accuse Wicked of discarding history.

We finally get to Sue, who shocks our sensibilities by being a dirty little biker whore. With Brian Surewood unavailable, the role of lead biker went to an unshaven Evan Stone. While Sue's acting in the car was frankly abysmal, at the biker bar she acts with her eyes. Brilliant!

Four attractive people stuck in traffic talk about sex. Is there anything better suited to late-night cable? "Carpool" may be formulaic, but it's friendly, non-threatening, and fun. As the gang breaks up at the office parking lot there is a tidy wrap-up. With gas prices so high, I see room for a slew of inexpensive sequels.

Review by Gram Ponante

Carpool

Studio: Wicked
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Kylie Wilde, Nicole Sheridan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, Marcus London, Evan Stone, Alex Sanders, Dane Cross, Herschel Savage, Niko

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Carpool" (gamelink.com)

Well, the tawdrier the real thing, a pornic take on it almost seems to make the original look less harmful, as if a porn adaptation confirms how silly it is already. The same happened with Hustler's "Da Vinci Load"; it really improved on the book.

Mike Horner is particularly hammy in the role of New York Governor Eliot Splitz-her, and it is right and just that the adult industry still has some older performers around to add the right touch of Leslie Nielsen to parts like this one.

Students of history will be happy that Gov Lov pays attention to detail. The Governor is known as a man who cleans up the streets and, when he makes his assignations over the phone, is quoted a $4,000 fee.

But a porn movie unbound from its conventions, even if it is a topical movie like this one, won't fly. So Gov Lov needs to find other people to look at than just Horner and Cassandra Cruz as his special lady, thus trumped up scenes with different, vaguely-related pairings (Angela Stone as The Squirting Lobbyist, for example).

Unlike many hot-off-the-presses porn, however, this movie also has a bona fide B story. We meet two FBI surveillance agents, played by Van Damage and Veronica Jett, who get so caught up in the governor's shenanigans that they just can't help themselves.

The Governor is well-known to the escort agency, and he is set up with Kristen (Cruz) and they get to know each other (after the required funds are deposited in the agency's bank account).

After their tryst, they have the following conversation.

"Now this is going to be our little secret?" he says.

"Of course," she replies. "No one will ever find out."

As a movie specifically designed to be purchased by casual consumers, Gov Lov has all the porn world has to offer: speedy turnaround, a little humor, not too much talking, and some sense that these things could really happen. And Hustler put a little extra effort into the packaging, which is nice, since we're talking about people's lives here.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Gov Lov: The Eliot Splitz-her Story
Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Mike Horner, Cassandra Cruz, Kayla Paige, Angela Stone, Emma Heart, Veronica Jett, Kissy Kapri, Van Damage, Marcus London, Dino Braco, Kissy Kapri

· Order "Gov Lov" (gamelink)
· Hustler (hustlervideo.com)

"I'm also a professional dominatrix," she lies.

This is the cloud that hangs over "Undone"; will Young's fib be found out?

. . .

At the SM club a group of bored enthusiasts lament the lack of quality slaves when Young and Daniel walk in. Daniel disappears. The others fall on her immediately, pawing at the young Young like a pack of dogs. SM dogs.

Whether she is discovered or not, Young is pegged for a newbie submissive right off. She is pressed into service as a bootlicker and all-around "expulsions of desire". Because of her lies.

She is made to alternate between the fake cock of Selina Raven and James Mogul's real one. She is used, abused, and discarded.

"Undone" is another great short from Young. I only have one problem:

The power exchange of SM movies adds an element of drama not found in standard porn films. For this reason "Undone" could have gone without Young's voiceover, which overexplained what was a fairly obvious (if no less tasty) plot. "This turned me on with great pleasure," we learn.

Like Young's other recent short movie, "Writers and Rockstars", "Undone" takes advantage of the taut playground that is Madison Young, and that is enough; we can see the ironic freedom one achieves through bondage, and we can see her "secret smile" - we don't need to hear about it.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Undone
Studio: Madison Young
Director: Madison Young
Cast: Madison Young, Daniel, Selina Raven, James Mogul, Raina Degre, Luke Degre

· Madison Young (madisonbound.com)
· Buy "Undone" (tlavideo.com)

Sometimes male performers can't perform, and are sent home. But women with an advertised talent for squirting sometimes don't squirt. In such cases they stay right where they are and the movie changes around them.

I make it rain / Who make it rain? / I make it rain/ Ooooo! announces the theme song to "I Make It Rain."

Why Depth is a sex therapist in this movie is unclear, as Chase knows everything she needs to do. Maybe her health insurance allowed her more sessions than she actually needed and she decided to use them all up, the way I did when I got that gift certificate to Claim Jumper and ate all that food just so I wouldn't appear ungrateful.

Squirting came to the fore in the western world's mind with the advent of Cytherea, who was a slip of a thing. But Depth chooses women who are a bit thicker, like Chase (pictured)), Flower Tucci, Jada Fire, and Cindy Crawford, and that makes all the difference.

But Chase does not erupt volcanically. "There it is! There it is!" cries Depth at one point, but it seems more for the benefit of fraud lawyers.

Still, Chase has a smoky, scratchy Brenda Vaccaro voice, which makes up for a lot. I think Depth, deprived of such a graphic display of squirting, fell in love instead.

· John E. Depth (itsabigblackthing.com)
· Buy "I Make It Rain" (gamelink.com)

The film stars Sirpa Lane—who played the Beauty to the original French "Beast" that "inspired" this one—and Vassilli Karis as a Lando Calrissian-esque space rogue with a knack for bar fights and bedding hot women. The two hook up one night after he beats up a rival suitor and once the steamy deed is done, she recounts her recurring nightmare of being attacked in the woods by a bearded dude with a snazzy embroidered vest. This is what is called "foreshadowing."

Soon after, Capt. Larry Madison (yes, that's his futuristic space name) realizes that the man he beat up the night before was in possession of a rare metal called Antalium, which is used by the military for its neutron weapons and that said metal came from the mysterious uncharted planet Lorigon. Quickly, the new loverbirds are off to the races to conquer the planet and secure all this precious material for the their ownselves. Yay, imperialism!

It should be said that for a low-budget futuristic adventure pic, this film is much better than it has any right to be. The story actually honors a lot of standard sci-fi conventions and shows a shocking amount of scientific literacy. Terms like "gyroscopic stabilizers" get thrown around (correctly!) and the script actually knows the proper ratio of oxygen needed in the atmosphere to sustain human life. To a true nerd, such details are impressive. If it had even half the budget of a LucasFilm production (instead of what we are guessing was about 1/1000th), this could have been a respectable mainstream picture.

Minus the stock footage of horses fucking, of course. Seriously, why does every 1970s Eurotrash flick have a scene where humans get turned on by catching two horses doing it?. It's such a cliche of the genre—even if it is on another planet.

Once on Longion, they quickly discover that it is ruled by a sadistic robot that hordes all the Antalium for itself and pays the planet back by keeping its citizens in a THX-like mind control haze. The good news is that no one ages and there's lots of free food ... so why not just start humping? That's exactly what happens for the next 35 minutes or so as various pairings roll around in the grass making sweet, sweet love—until Lane realizes she's paired off with ... beaded vest guy! And he's got more than just beads hiding underneath his robes! It's the Beast ... in space!

We don't want to spoil all the fun for you, but you can imagine where this is headed. Groovy mind trips, bestiality and lightsaber glowing plastic sword battles ensue. If you're buying this flick just for the sex scenes, you'll probably be disappointed. There aren't enough of them and they're too far apart for this movie to be considered a true raunchy romp, but if you like your "so bad, it's good" movie nights to have a little extra spice, it is a fun ride.

Soon to be re-released by Severin Films, the DVD will be available in two versions, an NC-17 level grope fest (full-frontal softcore only) and an "uncut" XXX-version, although it seems pretty clear that the brief hardcore action was inserted after the fact using replacement actors and extreme closeups. (Although, the Beast himself certainly benefits from a little extra endowment and there is a deleted scene of his Beast-like climax.) If only George Lucas had been inspired by "Deep Throat," instead of the other way around, just imagine the movie we could have had.

· Buy: "The Beast in Space": XXX Version or Unrated Version (severin-films.com)

. . .

The first stop is Catalina Island with a pre-pregnancy Paulina James and a pre-arrest Jack Venice. Reeking of alcohol, they are denied a bike rental. Somehow they are allowed golf carts. They make their way to the west side of the island and engage in some clifftop action against the overcast Pacific sky.

Back in L.A., Casey picks up Devon for a beachside romp. They race like blonde gazelles across the sand, if that's what gazelles do, and if gazelles can be blonde. Then they retreat to a bedroom where they compare tattoos.

"You have such a spankable ass, dude," declares Devon.

Next, it's off to wine country. Parker explains how raisins are made, then declares that she hates raisins.

The blonder the partner, the better the scene. Parker meets Aubrey Addams in Napa and they repair to a hotel room (the initial promise of the outdoor scene with Paulina James fades as each vignette starts outside but ducks for cover pretty quickly; still, the effort is appreciated).

In San Francisco, Parker poses for pictures on a trolley. That she is so adorable and the guys she picks up are so lunky by comparison must appeal to the college audiences Shane's World caters to in the same way that Ron Jeremy is often held up as the hero of the average American male.

Finally home (Parker did not get laid in San Francisco, she says, though Reena Sky did), Parker hooks up with Charles Dera for a scene with real chemistry.

Shane's World tries hard to maintain a reality-based road trip atmosphere in its movies, and the very personable and engaging Parker is able to pull this off where others might not be able to carry the movie. We like that she finally gets what she wants in the end.

- Review by Gram Ponante

. . .

Casey Parker's California Dreamin'
Studio: Shane's World
Director: No clue
Cast: Casey Parker, Devon, Paulina James, Aubrey Addams, Reena Sky

· Shane's World (shanesworld.com)
· Buy "Casey Parker's California Dreamin'" (gamelink.com)