Bree's Big Campout

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Jim Malibu
Cast: Bree Olson, Faye Reagan, Jenny Hendrix, Alexis Breeze, Annette Allen, Dirty Harry

Review by: Gram Ponante

Bree Olson is going to Arizona. You'd think she'd be crushed by this, but she's not. I experience suicidal ideation whenever I have to go to Arizona. But it's not about me—it's about Bree. Instead, she decides to throw a big campout with her sexy friends!

You see, our Bree just graduated from high school and she's headed to a "really awesome" school in Arizona for pre-med.

I will not bore you with the details of how Olson, Faye Reagan, Jenny Hendrix, Alexis Breeze, and Annette Allen become naked in tents, on blankets, and in pools. Just know that they do, and that's all that matters.

"Bree's Big Campout" is the type of porn movie that can be remade every two years with different people; it is a perfect example of a wholesome adult movie you'd want to include with anyone's 18th birthday card.

Everyone looks good in this movie, particularly Olson, Jenny Hendrix, and Alexis Breeze (though we do fear they're going to burst into flame and/or get sand in their parts) and the chapters are set apart by clever vlog entries by the characters. There is even a cameo by Dirty Harry as a creepy park ranger. Unlike his appearances in JM movies, Harry does not spend his time in "Bree's Big Campout" weeping or screaming.

As cross-country rival Digital Playground is cleaning up on occupation-based fetishes like nurses, babysitters, and cheerleaders, I think Adam & Eve should capitalize on events. I'd love to see Kayden Kross doing a timeshare pitch porn or barbecue flick, and maybe Bree can follow "Campout" with "Bree's Big Bachelorette Party."

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Bree's Big Campout" (gamelink.com)

The producers of "Oh No! There's A Negro in My Daughter 2" knew that only I could bring the type of jowly gravitas to the role of the bookish and distant dad of perky, gap-toothed and barely legal Kira Lynne, who gets my attention by having couch-rattling sex with Jon Jon just inches away.

Of course, I had to submit to hours of aging makeup and was not allowed to bring my own clothing.

Drawing inspiration from Gregory Peck's performance in "To Kill A Mockingbird," I at first expressed grave reservations about Kira's outfit, behavior, and choice of mate, but then allowed my character to gracefully arc through tolerance, acceptance and, ultimately, synthesis. Would that my instructors at Shakespeare & Co. have seen me, doubtless they would have been in awe at my powerful resolve and the titanic reserve I displayed at not breaking character all over Kirra's face.

And I feel that my performance elevated those of my co-stars, a testament to my Meisner, Method, and Scientology training. For their part, directors Grip and Cram Johnson coaxed from me a career-defining interpretation.

I admit that I face competition in the very same movie from the likes of Dirty Harry and Herschel Savage, but I really feel that my entirely improvised performance, my eye contact and emotional connection with my scene partners, will make 2010 my year. I've earned this.

. . .

· Chatsworth Pictures (chatsworthpictures.com)
· Buy "Oh No! There's A Negro in My Daughter 2" (jerkoffzone.com)

Specialty company Third World Media trawls the globe in search of footage that can't be seen in these waters.

You know how it's a conversation starter to suggest porn titles or porn niches (at least here in the seminary)? I can honestly say I have never thought about plus-sized Asian women. Yet it seems so right.

To remind us that people are the same wherever you go, our final subject appears to be straddling the Japanese Dirty Harry.

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "Japanese Whale Hunt" (gamelink.com)

Harry has just been informed by a workman that his repairs will not be ready in time for his wife to return, so Harry needs to take out his fear and frustration on Harmony.

"I paid for you," he says as Harmony gets uppity. "I can do whatever I want!"

Harmony knows that Harry's wife will beat him soundly when she sees the house is not finished, and the power shifts between Harry and Harmony are characteristic of Greek tragedies, as Harry alternates between sobbing and violence.

At the end of their scene, Harry shrieks, "I paid for you to be my wife!" and crumples to the floor in tears. We know Harmony will come back, and we wonder if Harry is secretly happy the contractors were so lazy. Maybe he even sabotaged the work.

We wonder: do we sometimes need to make the tears come in order to feel the relief only the shedding of tears can provide?

So let this be a lesson to you: whenever you get a hooker, make sure he or she is the kind with a heart of gold.

· JM Productions (jerkoffzone.com)







· Buy "Tough Love 14" (jerkoffzone.com)

We are happy to say that this movie appeals to our own inner whore, even if we're concerned about the anecdote Lorelei Lee tells. Full review after the jump.

. . .

Bobbi Starr is a schoolteacher with a secret in director Visual Blurr's Very Important Porn Movie, The Whore Within Me. From the moment we hear Starr's voiceover, about how all her life she did the right thing and if anyone could ever guess what goes on in her mind, we know that the digital crackling of the film, "Ringu"-esque buzzings and jumps, and the sepia filter will combine to give us one hell of a porn think piece.

"Would they believe their schoolteacher likes getting punished for the bad things she's done?" she asks. "God, I'm such a whore."

And yes, I guess she is. With freshly-painted face, Starr goes to a warehouse to be spanked and violated by Christian, who treats her most harshly. Conversely, could he have ever dreamt she was a schoolteacher??

The movie unfolds with several scenes of women telling the camera, the director, or themselves how and why they are promiscuous (with examples), and to the extent that we believe them they are more or less compelling. Shot over the span of a year by Blurr, The Whore Within Me seems to be a labor of love that now and then loses its focus. This does not mean that it is not immediately better than many porn movies; it just breaks some of the rules it sets up for itself, and that is a little distracting.

Meanwhile, Leighlani Red, a Natasha Lyonne-looking student in Starr's class, wonders how she can possibly write an essay about a life-changing event when she, herself, is a whore?

"Do I write about getting banged by the dumpsters?" she asks. Not if the essay is about "David Copperfield," but if the dumpster-banging really changed you, well, sure.

The sex scenes mean something, and they are masterfully shot by Blurr, who in the credits admits he was once studio New Sensations' warehouse guy. But Blurr throws a lot extra at what are already very good sex scenes; it does seem like they would be just as effective if they weren't so affected with editing tricks.

Lorelei Lee's scene is wonderful. In her Why I Am a Whore segment, she describes sucking off a friend when she was interrupted by a Very Special Guest, and how she chose to deal with it. Whether or not the story is true, it's an intriguing story, and we want to see what Lee does next.

"Nobody understands why we do the things we do," says Lee. "I like it when people treat me like a slutty piece of meat."

Blurr shoots his performers warts and all. Each is pale and easily bruised; there is no one in the movie a viewer would accuse of phoning in her scene.

Adrianna Nicole's suburban housewife deadpan is very credible, even though she is far from the suburban housewife ideal in real life. That is why she is an Actor.

"How do you tell your husband of eight years that you're a whore?" asks Nicole, cashing in on her double-team fantasy. "I guess that's why I'm telling you."

Finally, Madison Young plays the Ultimate Whore, crusing the streets of the northeast San Fernando Valley looking for the Aged to fuck her in the ass. She finds Dirty Harry.

"My body is a tool," reports Young. "And I love guys using it to get off. Sex is all I think about. It's an addiction."

While "The Whore Within Me" is not a feel-good porn movie, it is also not so earnest with itself that a viewer could forget why he or she is there. It paints a picture of these performers, who identify themselves by name, as along for the ride on their uncontrollable urges. because of the narrative setup, the viewer is asked to believe the story, and some performers have a better story than others.

One thing is certain: you expect Sasha Grey to show up in every scene, whispering "Yes, but I'm also a whore."

- Review by Gram Ponante

The Whore Within Me
Studio: Digital Sin
Director: Visual Blurr
Cast: Bobbi Starr, Lorelei Lee, Adrianna Nicole, Madison Young, Leighlani Red, Steve Holmes, Dirty Harry, Alex Gonz, Christian, Jon Jon

· Digital Sin (digitalsin.com)
· Buy "The Whore Within Me" (gamelink.com)

· Chatsworth Pictures (chatsworthpictures.com)
· "Mandinka Parties" (jerkoffzone.com)

While the cover of "Dr. Probe's Lab of Perversion: The Demon Gynecologist of the San Fernando Valley" promises a sardonic porn right up the alley of writer/director Jim Powers, Hollander's scene is so awash with dark editing program background music that it's hard to figure out if Powers intends us to laugh or just be creeped out; the cover suggests one, the movie suggests another.

The inappropriate gynecologist is certainly Porn's version of the Nazi scientist, but we are made to wait to decide whether this is a fleshier version of "Little Shop of Horrors" or "Marathon Man."

I talked with former AVN editor Rebecca Gray.

"Are you asking me if women think of gynecologists like the hot pizza delivery guy or pool cleaner?" she asked. "No. (The gynecologist's office) is a different space for your head to be in."

Hollander's face registers growing alarm as the doctor takes his sweet time down there.

"I think I dropped something," he calls, sniffing his fingers. He begins inserting all manner of objects.

"Is everything OK, Doctor?" she asks as he inserts a glass dildo in her anus. "I haven't been sexually active in three months."

"That's a shame," he says. Finally, we get to the porn.

Dr. Probe, after rolling up a fucking machine, does the job himself.

"Is it supposed to feel this nice, Doctor?" Hollander asks.

"Just a natural human reaction," he says. "The instruments can only do so much."

I finally decided that the movie was a comedy and just the soundtrack needed to go. Kudos to Hollander who did a nice slow burn, and to Powers for trusting an audience with a longish scene.

Next up is Sindee Jennings as the patient and Seth Dickens as Dr. Probe. The production does not skimp on medical equipment. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

"I'm actually feeling a little bit uncomfortable, Doctor, "Jennings says. "It just feels like you're doing the same things over and over and over."

What makes this movie earn an A for effort is its token attempts to make things look on the up and up for at least a minute or two.

That more or less goes out the window when quintessential porn dude Dirty Harry appears as Guatemalan Doctor to the petrified Cindy Crawford. He speaks Pig Spanish all the way through his scene and at this point the movie becomes high camp (which isn't a bad thing).

Finally, Otto Bauer's scene with Chelsea Rae retreads old ground, but it's still funny. When the good Doctor is finished, he says, "Now get dressed, clean up, and fill out those insurance forms."

This movie is highly entertaining as a collection of scenes that happen to take place in a doctor's office, but something is added (especially in the early scenes) when lip service is paid to something real; that's when "Dr. Probe" gets menacing.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Dr. Probe's Lab of Perversion

Studio: Powersville/JM
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Audrey Hollander, Sindee Jennings, Dirty Harry, Cindy Crawford, Otto Bauer, Chelsea Rae, Seth Dickens, Johnny Thrust

· Jim Powers (mrfilth.com)
· Buy "Dr. Probe's Lab of Perversion" (jerkoffzone.com)

For the sake of the nation, let's hope that they're faking that hatred, because the thought of them faking their orgasms is too much to bear.

· Penthouse (penthouse.com)
· Buy "Smut Peddler" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive

· Buy "Girlvert 16" (jerkoffzone.com)

Previously: Porn Of The Moment Archive