Fleshbot: straight, deadspin

Vivid Looking To Make Tiger Woods Porn

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:30:01 EST

Because there's more money in celebrity scandals than porn made by pornstars, Vivid's looking to pay $1 million to any woman who can prove she was a paramour of Tiger Woods—and signs a contract with the studio.

We're not really sure what sort of proof is required (a sex tape? A voicemail? Dirty pictures?), or what her contract would entail—but then again, Vivid probably doesn't either. Who needs a well thought out business plan when you can get tons of publicity off some half-baked porn contract promise you'll never have to follow up on?

· Vivid Offers $1 Million for True Tiger Riding Tales (avn.com)

Sneak Peek! MMA Fighter War Machine Goes Porn Machine!

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:00:00 EST

Seeing as how you're so excited for War Machine's porn debut, we thought we'd give you this sneak peek of a shot from the film—titled "Riley Loves War Machine" (and slated to be in stores this January).

· Image courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)

War Machine: From UFC Fighter To Porn Machine

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:30:01 EST

If you're not into MMA, chances are you've never heard the name War Machine. But if you are into porn, chances are equally good that, pretty soon, you'll be very, very familiar with the man.

Over the weekend, we received word that Jon "War Machine" Koppenhaver had posted a note to his MySpace blog alerting his fans that he'd just shot his first ever porno scene with none other than Riley Steele of Digital Playground. Not being ones to run wild with rumors (well, not usually, anyway), we put in a call to the good people at Digital Playground. And guess what? War Machine did bang Riley! On camera, even!

From what we've heard, War Machine (who's currently repped by LA Direct Models) lost his porn virginity in a gonzo scene shot by Robby D (currently untitled, but we're sure it'll be good). And how did the fighter fare?

According to Riley:

I was incredibly turned on when I first saw War Machine. He's very sexy and has an amazing body. He admitted to being a bit nervous, which actually made me nervous too. When the camera started, he completely shocked me. He was an animal and a total natural! War Machine is now on the top of my list!

Robby D was similarly impressed:

He had a great top game and was able to take Riley's back several times. Riley reversed the position and mounted War Machine, but I don't think he minded. Eventually Riley tapped out, and War Machine rewarded her with a load to the face. On a serious note, War Machine's experience in front of the camera through his fighting career made my job a lot easier as the director. He was made for this.

Tres exciting. We look forward to seeing where War Machine ends up...and though it's incredibly unlikely, we can't help but hope for a Syd Blakovich/War Machine scene. Hey, what can we say? We're dying to know what happens when two MMA fighters enter the, ahem, ring.

· War Machine (ladirectmodels.com)
· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Image of Riley Steele courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· "War Machine" Becomes an Adult Actor, Hell Freezes Over (watchkalibrun.com)

John Madden’s Penis Delightfully Absent From “Not Monday Night Football XXX”

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Perhaps XPlay was concerned about offending fans? We personally would've been stoked to finally see Howard Cosell's little monkey.

Not Monday Night Football XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Angelina Armani, Lela Star, Sarah Vandella, Layla Rivera, Jaelyn Fox, Jessica Bangkok, Britney Stevens, Ashlyn Rae, Alyssa Reece, Topanga Fox, Ally Ann, Yurizan Beltran, Amia Miley, Tatum Pierce, Delila Darling, Cindy Jones, Mai Ly, Sophie Dee, Laci Laine, Rick Madrid, Billy Goodrich, Lee Bang, Evan Stone, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons, Eric John, Kris Slater

It's one thing to parody a sitcom, but parodying an American institution like Monday Night Football requires both a solid sense of humor as well as serious focus on fucking. The challenge for XPlay is even greater with this parody because there are no protagonists to ground the plot, and no classic conflicts to spice up with sex. As a result, "Not Monday Night Football XXX" features an amalgamation of sportscasting legends doing what makes them memorable.

Rick Madrid plays the staccato-voiced Howard Cosell, who commands the preview show that the film is based around. He is joined by John Madden, played by Billy Goodrich, who spends time with fans, draws on the telestrator, and pimps tough-actin' Tinactin.

True to life, celebrities stop by to plug their latest projects/remind us of their scandals. OJ Simpson has his future read (keep in mind this is the 80s OJ), causing the fortune teller to flee the scene. Bill Cosby (manned by the same Thomas Ward who starred in "Not The Cosbys XXX") shows up as well, followed by a furious Laci Laine who demands Cosby leave his wife for her.

Although these allusions provide amusing intermissions from sex, they feel more like piecemeal potshots and less like parodies of the events they reference. Poking fun at the gimmicky, self-serving habits of a major network is clever, but without a strong, over-arching plot to center the jokes, the parody becomes a gimmick itself.

And like most parody porn, there's a clear distinction between the amusing and the arousing. There was one instance of Madden using the telestrator to discuss his favorite things about Angelina Armani (boobs, eyes, long, flowing hair), but it would've been doubly as funny to see him narrate an instant replay, telestrating the path of Eric John's cock as four cheerleaders tackle him in the locker room. Perhaps a "BAM!" or two would've been appropriate.

But there really isn't much to complain about. The simple fact that seventeen girls cram into five separate scenes is a daunting feat. With such an enormous cast, one might wonder how parody prince Will Ryder manages to coach this dreamteam to glory.

The answer? Teamwork: four gals for every gent, and no one hits the sidelines when the action is on. There's no showboating, no ball hogging, and the fans go wild for every play (seriously, there's non-stop cheering). Also, since every sex scene features a POV moment, viewers at home get to feel like they're part of the team! The sportsmanship is simply awe-inspiring.

Of course, there are a few star players. Evan Stone and Angelina Armani have the only one-on-one scene as the legendary quarterback Manhattan Joe and some floozy. He helps her get her foot in the door as a sideline reporter, so she helps him get his cock in her mouth.

"Well if I'm gonna taste your cock," she says, "I want you to taste my pussy." See? Teamwork.

Also exciting is the fact that Yurizan Beltran has her first non-solo scene. Yurizan, Lela Star, Mai Ly, and Alyssa Reece get bored watching the game at home, so they decide to ditch the remote and grab the vibrators. Even though it's her first time, Yurizan gives it 110% and really goes deep. I sincerely hope she continues this sociable trend.

The general mindset for parody pornographers seems to be "What if this show had hardcore sex in it?" Unfortunately, the finished product presents the question "What if this hardcore sex had jokes near it?" And while it's smart to unite the eternally homosocial institutions of pornography and sports, it's important to make sure they play together well. Perhaps "Not Monday Night Football XXX" could've used a couple more scrimmages before hitting the field.

And now I'm out of football puns.

Penthouse Salutes The Hottest WAGs Of The NFL

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:00:00 EDT

Professional football kicks off next week—so what better time to salute the lovely ladies who've paired up with players? This month's issue of Penthouse takes a long hard look at the top ten NFL WAGs.

Not surprisingly, most of the women who landed on the list have, at one time or another, posed in some state of undress (that's how we know they're hot!). You'll have to buy Penthouse if you want to actually see their tribute to these WAGs...but we still managed to dig up some pretty sexy photos of the ladies who made the list. Take a gander below—and let us know who you're glad to see on the list (and who was unfairly left off).

1. Vida Guerra (Jeremy Shockey, TE, New Orleans Saint)

2. Carmella DeCesare (Jeff Garcia, QB, Oakland Raiders )

3. Kim Kardashian (Reggie Bush, RB, New Orleans Saint)

4. Brande Roderick (Cade McNown, QB, Chicago Bears)

5. Heather Kozar (Tim Couch, QB, Cleveland Browns)

6. Jennifer Walcott (Adam Archuleta, S, St. Louis Rams)

7. Kendra Wilkinson (Hank Baskett, WR, Philadelphia Eagles)

8. Jessica Simpson (Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys)

9. Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots)

10. Mercedes Lindsay (Jason Campbell, QB, Washington Redskins)

· Penthouse (penthouse.com)
· List via Nudography (nudography.com)

Porntastically Monday Night Football

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:30:01 EDT

How is X-Play going to turn Monday Night Football into a porno movie? The same way they turn anything into a porno: make up a bunch of female characters and have them get naked. (More behind the scenes shots @ crossroadsedge.com)

LA's Next Top Cheerleader: A Peek Inside The Laker Girl Auditions

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:30:00 EDT

The Laker Girl auditions are pretty much what you'd expect: the girls are bubbly, beautiful, and wearing about as much clothing as your average Laker Girl. And in some cases, even less.

· Laker Girl Auditions 2009 (laist.com)

Football Parody Porn Set To Change The Way You View John Madden

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 12:30:01 EDT

And now for something completely bizarre: X-Play has just announced the upcoming release of "Not Monday Night Football XXX." Well, with all those tight ends going deep, it was bound to happen eventually.

What's the vision for this soon-to-be-released porn epic, you ask? Director Will Ryder (of course) puts it this way: "We're combining the best of the Barely Legal girls with football and hilarious legendary TV announcers all in one classic sex comedy that will appeal to fans everywhere." Also some sort of rip in space-time allows announcers from multiple eras to join together in porny, footbally goodness. And who says porn is out of ideas?

· X-Play (allmediaplay.com)

Faster, Higher, Sexier: 20 Hot Summer Olympic Athletes

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Tomorrow is the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics, where the world's greatest athletes will gather to compete in contests of legendary skill and strength and compare the definition of their ab muscles. For sports fans—and fans of tight and toned bodies—it's also a great opportunity for sight seeing. We recommend the swimming or beach volleyball venues, since they tend to have the fittest girls and the skimpiest outfits. However, there are beautiful babes in every sport and discipline so to celebrate the lighting of the torch we offer this gallery of smoking hot Summer Olympic athletes past and present. Let the Games begin!

. . .

Ana Paula Oliveira In Playboy

Fleshbot — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 12:47:03 EDT

Will history remember soccer referee Ana Paula Oliveira for the furor she caused in Brazil earier this year for wrongly disallowing a goal (whatever that means) in a high-profile Brazil Cup match; for her previous efforts as a women's rights advocate; or for accepting a reported quarter million dollar offer from Playboy for posing nude for the July issue of the Brazilian edition of the magazine? Only time will tell, folks. In the meantime ... uh, what's this "soccer" thing all about again? We kind of got distracted.

· "Ana Paula Oliveira nuda per Playboy" (softblog.it)
· "Brazilian lineswoman to strip for playboy" (neriaswhirl.blogspot.com)

Wimbledon: The All-England Upskirt Challenge

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 09:30:10 EDT

The Championships at Wimbledon are all about tradition. Strawberries and cream, grass courts, bows and curtsies to the assembled royalty, and when it comes to dress code—tennis whites only are allowed on the hallowed grounds. Of course, what you wear under those tennis whites is entirely up to you, as French teen Tatiana Golovin showed the whole word when she showed the whole world her pair of fire engine red undies during this week's Grand Slam event. Catching a glimpse of grunting hotties in their oh-so-short skirts is also a time-honored tradition, but no one has ever seen anything like that at Centre Court. Hey, it only took female players 100 years or so to get the same prize money as men, so maybe it's time to break a few other traditions as well.

· Hotpants on parade as Wimbledon players sell tradition short (dailymail.co.uk)
· I am - Tennis Bitches of the Day (drunkenstepfather.com)
· Wimbledon Babes (nuts.co.uk)

Previously: 2007 Calendar Watch: Maria Sharapova, Beyoncé Rocks The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Keeley Hazell's Wimbledon Preview, Subtle Lesbianism in Female Sports, Maria Sharapova's Flying Balls, Sharapova vs. Williams