The 8th Day

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Ren Savant
Cast: Kayden Kross, Amber Rayne, Bree Olson, Aaron Wilcoxxx, Kylie Ireland, Jandi Lin, Poppy Morgan, Tori Black, Violet Marcell, Krissy Leigh, Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone, Tyler Knight, Trinity Post, Darryl Hanah, Ameatabh Bachan, Derrick Pierce

Review by: Gram Ponante

Samantha (the exquisitely nude Kayden Kross) wakes up from future sleep in a future chamber, a recorded message from her late father (director Ren Savant) playing on the future video screen.

"Possibly I died of natural causes," he is saying, Jor El-like, waxing on about the zero-point generator he invented that he is confident will have saved the world by now. "I am very envious of my little girl."

Envious or not, Dad, at least wait until she's got some clothes on.

Thus begins "The 8th Day," Adam & Eve's massive 4-disc (two for the feature, two for extras) epic of sex in a post-apocalyptic world, part "2001," part "The Road Warrior," part "Contact," and, what the hell, still weirded out by a father being creepy with his daughter, even posthumously, part "Blame It on Rio."

Of course, the world Sam wakes up to isn't quite fixed. In fact, it looks a lot like many greater Los Angeles communities south of the 10 freeway; places where bodies are meat, technology has betrayed Man, and where "In a lawless new world, sex is the only salvation."

"My God," Sam says. "What happened?"

Life happened, Sam. We follow her through the ruined, overgrown landscape. We evaluate Sam's choices as if she were making her way through Quake, and we're waiting for her MMPORGasm.

In fact, "The 8th Day" is unlike many contemporary movies in that it takes its time, and this is an unexpected pleasure. Well, perhaps not to fans of porn's pay-per-minute model, but whatever.

By the time Sam meets Mel (Amber Rayne), lots of information has slowly unfolded, much like Krissy Leigh's impressive labia in a desert shanty scene with Tyler Knight.

It turns out, Mel tells Sam in porn's first recorded ten-minute dialogue scene, that long ago all the electricity went out, the animals died, women had trouble reproducing, and mutants with different attributes emerged. Sam, for example, has sex with some slimy Morlocks. Then we watch a three-way between some blue, caterwauling Gila girls. I'd add "Good Times" here, but I'm not a douchebag.

Mel takes Sam to the Elysium Fields, a desert enclave ruled by the charismatic Amir, who preaches against technology and presides over tent orgies. We learn that Amir led the angry mob that killed Sam's father when the latter's science didn't turn out as expected. We learn, also, that Mel can take a double-penetration like a goddamn champ.

My only complaints about the movie are logical ones, which I admit don't hold up against the copious flesh on display, but here goes: It is not altogether clear why Sam's dad put her into deep sleep, unless he just did so to see his adult daughter naked. And Amir doesn't seem all that charming, despite the fawning.

But the risks "The 8th Day" takes are admirable for porn. There are stretches without either music or nudity and where the plot advances by scenery alone. The special effects are parceled out with maturity, there are references to Shakespeare and the Beatles, and the movie trusts you to allow it to end without a cumshot.

There is also more creepy stuff with Dad, crucifixion, peeing on asbestos, a "West Wing" cameo, Bree Olson's Blue period, the unsinkable Darryl Hanah, the always-dependable Trinity Post, a delightful performance by Amber Rayne, and the jaw-dropping Kayden Kross, who meets a bad end (but so does everybody).

"The 8th Day" is a great movie; how bad can the end of the world be if it's got Kayden Kross in it?

· Adam & Eve (adamandeve.com)
· And on the 8th Day, God blew up Boston (gramponante.com)
· Buy "The 8th Day" (gamelink.com)

Porn doesn't have anything like Hollywood's traditional pitch meetings, but we still like to imagine Director Ren Savant promising Adam & Eve's head honchos that he was going to make the best porn movie of the decade by mixing "Mad Max Thunderdome" with "Behind the Green Door' all while using action figures, a Kayden Barbie, several Tonka trucks, and a cat box to illustrate his point.

Any reservations the A&E brass had about making a big budget, non-spoof sci-fi porno were certainly placated by the knowledge that indefatigable blonde beauty Kayden "too pretty for porn" Kross would be cast in the lead.

The story opens with Kross being awakened from a cryogenic slumber to find herself in a strange city overrun by tribal gangs and overactive sexual half breeds, not entirely unlike Barstow or the backside of a meth lab way back in the hills of San Bernadino.

Kayden gets rescued by a scrappy scavenger girl, Amber Rayne and learns her only hope for salvation lies in the hands of the charismatic ruler of a desolate dessert village, known as Elysium Fields. But when Prince Amir takes Samantha under his wing, he discovers who she really is and decides that she must make the ultimate sacrifice.

Kayden Cross, Bree Olson, Tyler Knight, Tommy Gunn, Aaron Wilcoxxx, Kylie Ireland
Derrick Pierce, Jandi Lin, Krissy Leigh, Poppy Morgan, Tori Black, Violet Marcell, Darryl Hanah, Evan Stone, Amber Rayne, Cheyne Collins, Sledge Hammer, Trinity Post, Chris Cannon, and Jerry keep spending all their lives fucking in a post apocalyptic burnt out ghetto paradise.

Will this be the greatest movie of the year? Can it topple the strangle hold "Operation Tropical Stormy" will no doubt have on industry come awards time? No one knows for sure. We can say, however, that it is an impressive effort replete with sexy girls, hot sex, orgies, and bucket loads of pure imagination, which (as we all know) Einstein even said was more important than having Stormy.

"The 8th Day" releases on 9/08/09 but you can get it now at Adam and Eve's website. For more info on the title, check out "The 8th Day"'s website. And in the meantime, check out our mega exclusive sneak preview gallery.

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Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Sienna West, Devon Lee, Darryl Hanah, Sky Taylor, Kayla Synz, Rayveness

Review by: Gram Ponante

Watching Porn Valley trophy milves and cougars in their natural habitats - houses with floors that amplify the clacking of their heels, filled with art that neither they nor their husbands look at - is the aim of Digital Playground's Mrs. Conduct, perhaps the second in a trilogy that began with the Janine Lindemulder movie Mrs. Behavin' and which, also perhaps, will climax with Jesse Jane in 2011's Mrs. Tery Train.

That I didn't say Mrs. Carriage makes me "classy."

Like all Celeste movies, Mrs. Conduct is a playful series of vignettes, this time featuring time-honored porn tropes of predatrices-turned lusty submissives.

In one scene, Darryl Hanah commands two underwear-clad workers to service her. In two other scenes, a bearded James Deen attends to his girlfriend's mom or to a delivery customer with no tip money. My favorite scene features Kayla Synz in a Mrs. Robinson role, with Synz looking like the 90's era porn star she was born to be, all angles, legs, surprising curves, and anachronistic haircut.

Like a Wicked movie, though, Mrs.Conduct is distractingly lit. Each scene seems like a dream sequence - which I guess it is - but the cumulative effect is that it looks like the white balance was adjusted too high and then forgotten about.

This drugged feeling should not take you out of the movie, however. Its pluses include the casting of Rayveness, Hannah, and Sienna West as well as Synz, each unmistakeably of the trophy wife school of cougars. We imagine the things they get up to when not seducing household staff; they must at least know how to program their DVRs with ease.

To think that Jesse Jane is actually a MILF (though by one definition, that of being a mother with a child old enough to have friends who would entertain impure thoughts about his mom, Jane is not) is fun to consider while watching this movie, filled with women not much older than Jane but who look the part of bored and bejeweled housewives the way she cannot. Great casting.

While the bright and fuzzy lighting might cause headaches, there are plenty of things populating Mrs. Conduct that would provide quick relief if you'd just do what your mother told you and put some elbow grease into it.

. . .

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Mrs. Conduct" (tlavideo.com)

After all this time, it would be reasonable to expect that the movie would not follow through on the premise suggested by its title and cover, but Fontana demands the recruits show him IDs ("Don't give me your real names! Give me the names your agents gave you!") and when they drop to give him 20, it is with a dildo.

The movie ended up being a mini-"Gilligan's Island XXX" prequel, as Fontana, Hanah, and Dick Nasty each appear. Earlier, a performer named Miss Kitty was hounded off the set for refusing to service the 53-year-old Nasty. Hanah, the professional, showed the almost-half-her-age recruits how it was done. "Always make sure your hand is wet," she said.

The girls are led through blowjob drills, taught how to pose for still cameras, given pointers on "facial preparation," and told that "there are men and women dying for that flag in order for you to work in pornos." (The latter seems like a generational thing - when performers who remember when porn was illegal are paired with performers who don't, the result can be awkward.)

The movie sticks to its premise all the way through, and as such is often at odds with standard porn formula. This isn't a bad thing, though; it just throws off the pacing if you are, for instance, a chronic masturbator.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Boot Camp" (gamelink.com)

So what kind of porn do you like to watch, Darryl Hanah? "I like watching my own movies," she said. "I'm really good in them."

· Darryl Hanah (darrylhanahxxx.com)
· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)

From the press release: "I was sitting around thinking in all my years in the biz, all the sex scenes I've done, what is the best part of the experience, the ultimate? Well, that would be when one girl is sucking my cock and another is eating my ass. Or, one girl sitting on my face and the other eating my ass. Or, two girls eating my ass at once... you get the idea! I thought, 'why not make a movie about it?' And so Asseaters Unanimous 16: Dinner for Two was born."

We assure you that these are Before photos.

"Asseaters Unanimous 16" also stars Jandi Lin, Jada Fire, Angel Eyes, Naudia Nyce, Darryl Hanah, Flower Tucci, Carolyn Reese, Roxy DeVille, Adrianna Nicole, Holly Wellin, Dana DeArmond, and Paris Gables.

We are sorry that we have nothing else to tell you about this movie, since we're already late for dinner for the rest of our lives.

· Evolution Distribution (evolutiondist.com)