Measuring a mere 4" long, and 1.5" in diameter, Angel is a toy on the smaller end of the spectrum—but one that packs a decent punch when it's up and running. Stimulation-wise, it's a pretty good toy: the slight shape easily navigates the girly parts, and its curves are capable of hitting all the necessary areas.

But, alas, it didn't leave me blown away. And, interestingly, the size was the culprit—though not for reasons you might think. It wasn't that it didn't feel good: it was that, with the control buttons located at the bottom of the small shaft, I found that I kept inadvertently turning the vibration up and down while in the process of trying to pleasure myself: a frustrating situation, to be sure.

Unfortunate, really because it could have been so good. Alas, another toy destroyed by an ill-conceived interface design.

· Buy Angel (babeland.com)

Rather than striving to create toys that do as many things as humanly (machinely?) possible, JimmyJane creates products that do a handful of things—and do them really well. Case in point: their signature Little Something vibrators, which offer much, much more than meets the eye.

I admit, I was not particularly impressed when I first laid eyes on a Little Something (in my case, a Little Platinum). It was just, well, little. And smooth. And straight. It didn't conform to my ideas about what a really good sex toy should be.

But then I actually learned about it, and my opinion started to change.

Here are a few of the things I like about the Little Something:

It lasts forever. Okay, maybe not forever, but a really long time. Years, definitely—and once the motor finally kicks, it's easy to remove and replace.

It's powerful. Not Hitachi Magic Wand powerful, but incredibly impressive considering it's powered by a single AA battery.

It's superquiet. Surprisingly so—a definite plus (especially if you happen to have roommates, or just don't like getting distracted by the whine of a motor).

It's bodysafe. The metals in JimmyJane vibes are sterilizable, with no toxic chemicals to mess things up. And, even cooler, it can be used anally as well as vaginally—just run a string through the holes in the cap, and you've got a toy that won't get lost up in there (and remember to sterilize after!).

It's pretty. Granted, that's what JimmyJane is known for, but it's still worth mentioning.

So, with all that in mind, I sat down to test the Little Platinum. And I was impressed. It was a far, far more interesting toy than I'd initially given it credit for: subtle, yes, but still pleasurable and fun to play with.

And, okay, some bells and whistles would have been nice: but the Little Something definitely impressed. What it lacks in fancy features, it more than makes up for in stability and lastingforeverness—and that's the kind of quality you can take to the bank.

· JimmyJane (jimmyjane.com)
· Buy the Little Something (babeland.com)

Let's start by discussing the theory behind Wet Together. According to the copy:

His warms. Hers tingles. She applies his to him. He applies hers to her. The intimate act of touching makes the connection. The two unite, body to body, heart to heart. Two exciting sensations…Become ONE…together™.

Or, in layman's terms—one lube warms, one lube tingles; together, they form some sort of Voltron-like super unit that results in explosive orgasm. Theoretically, at least.

I started my experiment by applying the "His" lube to my partner's member. In my hands, the lube felt very warm—on his cock, not so much.

"It just feels like lube," he said.

We turned to the "Hers" bottle. My assistant applied a small amount to my parts. It felt good. He applied a little more.

It was definitely tingly. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that "tingly" is a sensation that I really like. Rather than getting me hot and bothered, it made me, well, slightly uncomfortable.

We moved on to the teamwork portion of the experiment.

Now, Wet's press materials informed me that, when combined, these two lubes would provide a heightened sensation. That wasn't quite my experience, though. Combining the two lubes made things feel better—but that was largely because it reduced the bothersome tingling sensation. I wasn't really sure that it felt better than sex sans Wet Together, however; if anything, I was slightly troubled by the feeling that certain parts of me felt a little numb.

I once attended a presentation about a product that—while not manufactured by Wet—was very similar, at least in concept, to Wet Together. Hyping the product, the presenters discussed how it would encourage intimacy and communication, encouraging partners to interact by applying the lubricants to each other, and seeing how they reacted when combined.

That's all very well and good, and a really nice sentiment. But it would have meant much more to me if the lube hadn't left me, well, feeling more detached than engaged.

But hey, that's just my experience: your mileage may vary (especially if you like tingling).

· Wet Together (stayswetlonger.com)

The smallest of these monolithic and semi-hard "ass rods" (which also happens to be what we call L.A.'s Parking Enforcement personnel) is 5.5" long and 2.5" around. The folks at Rascal are not messing around. That the largest of the three is almost twice that size scared the shit out of us (good thing, too, because we needed the room).

The SensaFirm material is spongy, turgid, and heavy, yielding just enough to provide both entrant and penetrated a real sense of accomplishment, probably like John Holmes did in his flaccid years.

Because there were no instructions provided with the items, we wondered what the recommended time frame of graduation from the smallest rod to the 9.5" x 4.75" brickbat was. Until Christmas? The year 2525? We have already petitioned our Member of Congress to declare that day Gaping Day.

The rods are waterproof (though that should be the least of your worries) and would also make excellent upgrades for the foam bats at your next couples' counseling session.

As this video will make clear, my bid to become the Ass Rod spokesmodel was rejected.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy "Ass Rod Anal Training Kit" (adonisent.com)

Sure, I could come up with a lot of different reasons for why I'd never gone the bead route—but the truth is, I just never really got around to it. I began my career in anal pleasure as a butt plug, and I'd never really seen much reason to switch things up (hey, I'm a creature of habit).

But if anyone could convince me to, ahem, broaden my horizons, it would have to be Babeland—and so when they offered me a chance to test out their brand-spanking new anal beads (a recent addition to the Babeland toy line), well, I couldn't exactly say no.

At 10.5" inches long, the strand of beads (crafted from TPR), may seem slightly intimidating at first—but fear not! The beads themselves are graduated in width, going from tiny (the smallest is about the size of a pea) to moderately large (1" in width).

The gradation is a nice feature, allowing the user to work their way up to the largest bead—or, in the case of more timid asses, progress to whatever level you may be comfortable with, and just leave it at that. Once inside, the beads themselves create a nice feeling of fullness; not quite the stretched sensation of a butt plug, but a deeper, more penetrating (ha!) sensation that pleases nonetheless.

And then, of course, there's the removal. It's oft said that anal beads are as fun to take out as they are to put in. Well, let me be the one to tell you: it's all true.

In truth, I think I'm still a butt plug girl at heart, but I'm glad to have seen how the anal bead side lives. And for all you beginners out there—this may just be the toy you're looking for to gently open up your backdoor and introduce you to a world of anal splendor.

· Buy Babeland Anal Beads (babeland.com)

Amazingly, that toy debuted a full decade ago: and to commemorate it (and Tristan's) accomplishments, an updated, tenth anniversary edition has been released. Yes, I had to get my hands (er, butt?) on it as soon as possible.

You may be wondering how one "updates" a classic plug like the Tristan. Clearly, altering the amazing design makes little to no sense—but beefing the plug up is an excellent idea indeed. As shown in the image at left, the Tristan Anniversary Plug (left) is a little bit fatter than its predecessor (though not as big as the T2, which I'm sad to say I do not own).

But is bigger better? Well, as in all things, it really depends on what you're going for. The anniversary plug is certainly a more advanced toy than its skinny friend—it took me quite a bit more warmup, and a whole lot of lube, to nudge the head of the toy into my anal area. But it was certainly worth it: once inside, the anniversary plug felt awesome. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. All the delicate curves of the original, but way beefed up.

Not that I'd expect anything less from an anal expert like Tristan.

The Anniversary Plug may not be the best toy for beginners (scratch that, it's definitely not for beginners), but if you've been plugging away (ha!) with the original for awhile now, and are in the mood for a bit of an upgrade, it's a wonderful way to make a step up. Kudos to Tristan—and congratulations of ten years of such a great butt toy!

· Buy Tristan's Anniversary Edition Plug (babeland.com)

Viewed from the top side, vampire gloves appear to be nothing more than an ordinary pair of leather gloves (a high quality, luxuriously soft pair of leather gloves, that is). But flip them over, and a delightful surprise is revealed: the glove's fingers are lined with sharp metal teeth, which provide just the right amount of bite to tickle, tease, and poke a willing sub.

When I got my set of gloves, I couldn't contain my excitement—unfortunately, I happened to be at the office, where my attempts to tickle, tease, and poke my coworkers were not particularly appreciated. Having (sort of) learned my lesson, I put the gloves back in the box, and waited for a more opportune time to use them.

I'm going to cut right to the chase here: I love these gloves. I love the feel of soft leather caressing my skin, and I love the mild scratch of the metal teeth. I think they feel great lightly dancing against my skin, or more forcefully pressing into the flesh.

Of course, it helps that I'm a masochist. Despite my love of these delicious gloves, I've found that many of my squarer friends find them to be more painful than pleasurable—so before investing in a pair, you should probably ask yourself this question: "Am I the kind of person who finds the thought of sharp metal grazing delicate skin arousing?"

If the answer is yes, do not pass go: head straight to JT's Stockroom and purchase these immediately.

[Safety disclaimer: These are, in fact, sharp, and it would behoove you to be careful with them. Play nicely, play sober, and don't make any sudden moves—the last thing you want is to poke someone's eye out with your sexy new toy.]

· Buy Vampire Gloves (stockroom.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Other than that, well, the Enspiral Vibrating Love Glove was a disappointment.

What you're supposed to do is insert your (erect? not erect? it didn't say) self into the glove, pump the attached blood pressure-style inflation ball, and oscillate the vibration control up and down.

Not a fan of employing a device that would add steps to a familiar process, I still gamely thought, "Hey: Leatherface," found two AA batteries from that useless HD-DVD player remote, and slipped some of me into the glove.

I quickly realized I had one fewer hand than necessary to pump, oscillate, and keep the contraption from falling off.

I noticed, too, that the glove was kind of small. Does it roll down further? I wondered.

Nope, it falls off and you have to reattach it to the base.

And what about the pump? The air tube comes in two parts and constantly detached. When it was held in place with a fourth hand, it failed to pump.

Trying to use this thing was more frustrating, I'd think, than the reason one would seek to use this thing. Maybe that's the idea? To help lonely men feel better about their loneliness? I don't know how single people do it.

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)

With the knowledge that you should always go front to back, rather than the reverse, I began my experiment in my girl area, testing out the Bloomy's dildo capabilities. Given the toy's small size, I wasn't expecting much, but I found myself pleasantly surprised: the Bloomy's shape conformed exactly to my curves, the larger section nestling comfortably against my g-sport while the smaller end cupped my vulva, applying a delightful pressure to my clitoris.

However, I quickly realized that—advertising copy be damned!—the Bloomy was not a dildo, per se. It definitely wasn't a a toy designed for the old in and out. Instead, I was much happier just leaving the Bloomy inside, and rocking it back and forth for added stimulation (making it not unlike a smaller version of the Jollie). It was, in effect, more of a vaginal plug than a dildo, if you will—and it left me wondering why there aren't more toys designed with this type of use in mind.

Having had my fill of Bloomy's front end talents, I moved my way to my backdoor. With a little bit of warm up, Bloomy entered my back regions—and felt pretty good, too. I'd be worried that its shape—which bore a suspicious resemblance to a prostate toy—would not work well with my prostate-free back end, but as far as I could tell, there didn't seem to be a problem.

Until I started to move, that is. With the slightest motion, I could feel the Bloomy slipping out from my behind, refusing to stay put, no matter how firmly I pushed it back in.

Perhaps a prostate gland is good for more than just pleasure, after all.

In spite of its ability to keep my ass in, ahem, bloom, I was nevertheless impressed with the Bloomy's talents—a toy doesn't have to stimulate all a girl's parts to be useful, after all.

(Oh, and if any of you out there are lucky enough to be able to use Bloomy in both the front and the back, please remember to thoroughly sterilize your toy between uses. No one likes getting infections!)

· Buy Bloomy (babeland.com)

At least, that was my impression of the (Oprah approved!) vibrator—and this was without even opening the box.

And by the way, we should talk about the box.

The Aphrodite comes in a large, purple (no shock there), cardboard box—one that has a picture of a lady on the back. A smiling lady doctor. This is how you know that the Aphrodite is made for women, by women, and not dreamed up in some skeezy perv's laboratory.

There's a flap on the front of the box, which can be peeled back to reveal a very detailed diagram of the external reproductive system. This is how you know the toy is intended for first timers—or at least people who don't know much about their bodies. It's a good thing, really; I appreciated the educational intentions of the box's designers even as the picture of pudenda made me giggle a little.

But one should never judge a vibrator by the box it comes in. Setting the packaging to the side, I examined the vibrator itself.

The Aphrodite is a vibrator in the model of the Hitachi Magic Wand. It's big, high-powered, back massager shaped beast—but one with a few key differences from it's Japanese ancestor.

First and most obviously, it's cordless and rechargeable, allowing for roaming masturbatory habits. More important, though, is the difference in the design of the head.

On one side of the Aphrodite's head is a black plastic dome, which glows red when the vibe is on the lower of its two settings (this indicates that it's emitting heat—a very nice feature). On the other side is a plastic prong, on which you can mount one of three attachments: a flat, basic dome for general vibration; a studded dome for a bumpier ride; and a cone shaped attachment for (minimal) internal stimulation.

Now, the box claimed that these attachments were silicone, and I do believe the box, but I have to say—they did not smell like silicone. In fact, they smelled really bad, though it's possible that that was due to the plastic packaging that they came individually wrapped in (yes, it was extremely wasteful).

Once assembled, the vibe performed pretty much as expected—which is to say pretty damn well. The interchangeable heads were a nice feature (my favorite was the cone), and the heat, while unusual and slow to take effect, was a nice added bonus.

If you're new (or not so new) to masturbation, and you're looking for a hyper-charged ride, the Aphrodite could certainly be the toy for you. Hey, Oprah wouldn't steer us wrong!

· Buy the Aphrodite (mypleasure.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

My first brush with Homme came in the form of Bo, a gentleman's ring that rocked my world. Then came Bob, a gentleman's plug—and even though I have no prostate gland, it was still love at first sight.

A shapely, silicone butt plug, Bob is beautifully crafted, and a great toy for any boy looking to expand his sexual repertoire (or just add another toy to the collection). Knowing that what's good for the gander isn't always good for the goose, I enlisted a male friend to test the toy for me. After a night of butt passion, he reported back that "it's a great guy first plug... not super teeny but it pokes the boy orgasm spot nicely," and gave extra points for the ring shaped base, "which makes for easy fucking, and makes it easy to carry to the bathroom for cleanup."

All of which leaves me, well, jealous that I don't have a prostate gland. Or at least makes me hope that LELO might someday expand their Femme line to include a little something wonderful for the lady backside, as well.

[Note for the big spenders: LELO's Luxe line has a super fancy version of Bob, known as Earl. You know, for the times when nothing's too good for your butt play.]

· Buy the Bob (lelo.com)

The cleverly named Blowguard is, quite literally, a mouthguard for blowjobs. Designed by a dentist, it promises to "take the job out of blowjobs," making life easier for millions of fellatists the world over.

But does it actually work?

If you've ever worn a mouthguard—either for sports-related reasons, or just for kicks—you're probably aware that most mouthguards require a bit of custom fitting (or as I pretend it's called, the old boil and bite). Not so the Blowguard: a soft, flexible, but in no way moldable silicone tray, it claims to be one size fits all. And that's where I ran into a problem.

Now, granted, I have what dentists like to refer to as a "small mouth," and in particular, I have a rather narrow upper jaw. So maybe it was just my own freakish anatomy, but I found that the Blowguard did not fit comfortably in my mouth. In fact, it kinda made me gag. But hey—gagging and blowjobs have been friends since time immemorial, right? So I sucked it up (no pun intended), and soldiered on.

Mouthguard in place, and vibrating bullet firmly lodged in the mouthguard, I opened the enclosed packet of "Sex Tarts" lube, and went to work.

And here was where I encountered another problem: the lube tasted awful. Thankfully, the gagging from mouthguard generated enough saliva to quickly wash away the foul flavor, and I proceeded with the job as nature intended (well, save for the giant piece of plastic encasing my teeth).

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I tend to think that my oral skills are pretty decent. But with the Blowguard in place, all my normal tricks were for naught: with all the gagging, and the giant piece of plastic taking up so much space, I couldn't move my tongue, or play around with pressure, or do anything really—well, anything other than just bob my head up and down on my assistant's cock, letting the little vibrator and the pressure from the plastic do all the work.

And yet, amazingly, it was a success: it was quite apparent that my assistant was definitely enjoying experience. I'd been very skeptical of this device, but it was rather clear that at least one of us was enjoying it. During the post-fellatio Q&A period, I learned that the mouthguard created a sensation of extra pressure—like biting, but without teeth—that was quite pleasant. Oh, and all that extra saliva from the gagging didn't hurt, either.

So, yes: in some ways, the Blowguard does indeed live up to its motto. With the mouthguard in place, pretty much anyone can give a quality blowjob, no skill required. You just might find that you're now required to suffer a little extra discomfort in exchange. But hey, good blowjobs are worth a little sacrifice, right?

· Buy the Blowguard (blowguard.com)

Introduced in 2006 (I guess it got lost in the mail), the Talking Head is your standard-issue rotating beads/clit rabbit/simulo-penis vibrator with a secret: it's got a 32 MB hard drive and a speaker so that one can play REO Speedwagon's "Take It on the Run" whilst diddling oneself or a loved one.

Not only that, but Heathcliff can also record a special message for Cathy on the vibrator and then go walking on the windy moors - he doesn't even have to be in the same farmhouse with her.

The Talking Head comes with a rather tinny external speaker as well as a set of earbuds. When plugged into the headphone jack at the base of the vibrator, the sound is as good as an iPod.

In fact, the Talking Head is an excellent jogging mp3 player, considering the iPod is not easy to carry but everyone knows how to hold on to a cock. Am I right??

To listen to my special message to young lovers everywhere, click here.

· Talking Head Vibrator (erosboutique.com)

Allanah Starr is truly America's Transsexual and fully deserving of this massive Cyberskin fauxjob mouth. But what, other than the fact that this is no dainty little mouth on a stalk, identifies it as a transsexual mouth?

I think the traditional tranny story, passed down through the ages, goes something like this: Man meets hot prospect at a bar, they go back to his place, date asks for anal, Man happily complies, dawn reveals date has morning wood. Yes, it is a delightful bit of Americana, first revealed in an early draft of Lincoln's second inaugural speech. But can the same thing happen to someone like me, rifling through his cabinets looking for Bree Olson's mouth and then - but only after - realizing the shocking tranny truth?

And you thought you knew all there was to know about the crying game.

Allanah Starr's Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker is a substantial piece of work, proud, and impossible to conceal in a little Hello Kitty backpack. The package comes with lube and a delicious sense of foreboding.

· Buy Allanah Starr's Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker (69adulttoys.com)
· Allanah Starr will try anything once (gramponante.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

Well, not just any straitjacket: as anyone who's ever seen one can attest, traditional straitjackets aren't too conducive to the sexy time. To put it bluntly, they're just not revealing enough—and some rather important bits get obscured by all the folds of fabric.

Not so with the Stockroom's Bolero Straitjacket. The stylish, carefully cropped garment combines the powerful restraining power of a traditional straitjacket with the free flowing boobage of being completely naked. And that, friends, is a pretty powerful combination.

But what makes this straitjacket superior to, say, a good old fashioned pair of bondage cuffs, or a bit of rope? Well, a few things:

No additional parts required. Bondage cuffs are nice... but to be fully functional, they generally require that you be bound to something—which can be rather annoying if you don't happen to have a slatted headboard on your bed. With a straitjacket, you (or your partner) can be bound and (partially) immobilized just by wrapping the arms around the body—no additional parts required. (Though if you're so inclined, you can surely work that bedpost in as well).

No skill required. Rope is lovely, yes, but properly tying rope requires a great deal of skill and knowledge. Properly dressing someone in a straitjacket requires the ability pull on a shirt and fasten some buckles. Pretty easy stuff.

The tops in comfort. Rope against skin can cause some nasty abrasions—and having your arms handcuffed in a fixed position isn't always easy on the muscles. The soft leather of the bolero straitjacket, on the other hand, is a delight to feel against the skin.

And, of course, since this garment is designed by JT's Stockroom, there are all sorts of beautiful details worked into the garment: the stabilizing harness works beautifully as a handle to steer your bound beauty around, and when the arms are wrapped around the body, they work beautifully as a nice little shelf for larger breasts. Oh, and yes, the exposed breasts are a really, really fun part of this bondage garment.

But, alas, there are some downsides to this wonderful item. Firstly, unlike rope or bondage cuffs, it is not one size fits all. The straitjacket comes in four different sizes, and proper sizing is important—so don't count on buying one to use with your many different bottoms.

Secondly, at $465, it's a bit on the pricey side. Though, then again, it is a beautifully crafted leather straitjacket, so it's not like the price is that much of a surprise. And really, don't you deserve a beautiful, sensual straitjacket?

I know I do.

· Bolero Straitjacket (stockroom.com)

The Beyond (or GSpot Dildo)'s only frills are its curlicue ends and frank GSpot-adjacent nub. There are no batteries, MP3 players, or lasers to spoil your serene vaginal landscape. It is like a Japanese rock garden for your parts (though the model we got was a distracting pink).

Curved as it is, the Beyond gave our test subject the sensation of being unlocked, though her own curious/glorious inner topography prevented the GSpot nub to gain purchase. We experimented with her flipping over onto her stomach with the device still inside her, and it almost worked.

The handle was perfect for maneuvering the dildo this way and that, whether in solo experiments or with a lab partner, and the solid silicone of the doodad had a nice heft to it for later beatings about the head and neck.

The dismount was problematic, however, as anything so curved is difficult to picture once it goes in.

"I don't like when it came out," our test subject said, which is a recommendation in itself.

Full disclosure requires I say that the Ophoria is also useful for prostate stimulation.

"Would you like to try it?" our test subject said.

"Ha ha ha no," I said.

· Buy "Ophoria Beyond #3" (erosboutique.com)

Like its sibling No. 5, the No. 12 is a fat silicone vibe with simple, one button operation. Holding the button down for a few seconds will turn the toy off or on, a quick button press will guide the Bliss No. 12 through it's five different pulse patterns (which are quite lovely).

Unlike the No. 5, however, the 12 actually has a bit of texture: its surface resembles the belly of a snake, if snakes were vaguely triangular and somehow managed to have bellies on all three sides. And, as expected, the ridginess was much appreciated—though it still had its limitations, the No. 12 was much more my style than the No. 5.

But above all, the best part about the Ophoria vibes? True to their promise, they're actually whisper quiet. Which means that, whatever your Bliss, you'll be able to enjoy it without your neighbors knowing.

· Buy the Ophoria Bliss No. 12 (babeland.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

This solid massager fits firmly in the Hitachi Magic Wand family but is also clearly a marital aid. There will be no denying its uses when friends come over and find it and you together, carnally. It's pink, for Pete's sake.

But what is reassuring about the Xplorer is that it is substantial, too. It felt heavy in my hand, despite its pinkness. I didn't fear that I would drop it; instead, I felt like I could wield it.

It uses no batteries but must be connected to an AC power source for charging, thus relieving your loved one(s) of the irrational fear that you might leave them for a vibrator. The five-hour charge the Xplorer holds guarantees your going home again, if anything for another charge or at least a change of clothes.

The Xplorer is not a discreet, dainty little thing; it is like a Kitchen Aid for your vagina. I was surprised there wasn't a shop-vac attachment. Furthermore, there is no cop-out oscillator switch, so the passes you make at your sensitive areas need to be thoughtful ones.

There are five attachments for the Xplorer, each of which looks like a stopper for various sinks I've owned. But each does its job, or rather you do the job and fit the attachments into whatever groove, fold, or flap they suit best. Or, better yet, have your partner or real estate agent do the job.

Our test subject liked to keep her hands free, and suggested we wear protective eyewear next time.

We got the Xplorer from Eros Boutique, which still might be able to serve your Valentine's Day needs, especially if you make Valentine's Day last until the middle of the week.

· Eros Boutique (erosboutique.com)

What toys were deemed iconic enough to be a part of the Iconic Collection? Pretty much what you would expect: a rabbit vibrator, a pocket rocket, and a vibrating cock ring. The three toys that have made their way across all of America, earning a prized place in sex toy shops around the country.

The Iconic Rabbit: Confession time: prior to obtaining the Iconic Collection, I had never owned a rabbit vibe. This was partly due to cost constraints (at the height of the Rabbit's popularity, I was a broke college student) and partly due to my distaste for mass trends (by the time I could actually afford a Rabbit, everyone and their mother had created a knockoff—and usually a cheap one). In fact, I'd only used a rabbit vibe once in my life, during an encounter that also involved an Italian prostitute in Amsterdam.

Unlike most of its predecessors, the Iconic Rabbit is not coated in questionably safe jelly rubber, but rather a jacket of phthalate-free, bright white elastomer. Which, for the record, I found a bit creepy. Perhaps I'm just not stylish enough to appreciate the appeal of all white elastomer.

The big appeal of the rabbit is its dual modes of stimulation—which, in the case of the Iconic, are controlled by two sliders on the base of the toy. One slider causes the eponymous rabbit to vibrate, its ears transforming into a blur; the other causes the shaft (and its pearl core), to rotate, stimulating the gspot.

Here was my first disappointment with the Iconic Rabbit: I had to slide one of the sliders almost halfway down to get the shaft rotating. Here was my second disappointment: when the toy was actually inside me, it stopped rotating entirely, only kicked into motion when it was approaching its highest setting. Were my Kegel muscles just that powerful—or was the toy just that weak? I'll let you decide.

Now, when I could get the toy actually moving and grooving, it felt pretty great. There's a reason why the Rabbit was the toast of "Sex and the City": it's a vibe that knows how to make a woman feel... like a woman. However, my enjoyment of the toy was hampered by the sheer volume of the motor. It was loud. Really, really loud.

Perhaps I was right to have avoided rabbit fever.

The Iconic Pocket: First off: am the only one who thinks that JimmyJane really, really missed out by not calling this toy the Iconic Rocket? Rabbit, Rocket, and Ring just flows so much better than Rabbit, Pocket, and Ring (or maybe I'm just abnormally addicted to alliteration).

The thing about the Iconic Pocket is that it's not really reborn, remade, or restyled in anyway by JimmyJane: the original Pocket Rocket (which, yes, I owned back in the day) was also white—in fact, the only difference between that toy and JimmyJanes is the "Iconic Pocket" branded across the stem.

But I digress.

The Iconic Pocket is a small, one-speed vibrator. It's also surprisingly powerful, given its pocket size—a little too powerful, if you ask me. Having so much raw, awesome, vibrating power packed into one tiny toy didn't turn me on; it made me overwhelmed (and, for that matter, reminded me why I had graduated on to more subtle, distinguished toys). My roommate, however, found the sheer, awesome power to be nothing short of thrilling. Different strokes for different folks, right?

The Iconic Ring: With its gummy, elastomer band and tiny, watch battery-powered vibe, the Iconic Ring was more along the lines of the Sonic Ring Kit than the Bo—though there were some subtle design elements that rocketed it to a higher level than the Sonic Ring.

Most impressive was that Jimmy Jane had thought to completely encase the vibrator in elastomer, preventing any possibility of it getting shifted or dislodged during the action. The vibrator's flat shape was also a plus—as were the ticklers emanating from the elastomer casing.

But overall, I just couldn't quite get into it—which may have more to do with the inherent flaws of vibrating cock rings than with JimmyJane.

So what have we learned from all this? Well, for one thing, making a toy all white and branding it "iconic" doesn't fundamentally change anything about it. If you like the Rabbit, the Rocket, and the Ring, you'll find this JimmyJane collection a pleasing tribute—but if, like me, you think iconic's just another word for starter toy, you'll probably be happier investing your money in a more advanced, new-fangled toy that lacks the SATC cred—but more than makes up for it in pleasing power.

· Buy the Usual Suspects Kit (babeland.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Well, such is the theory (we assume) behind Intimate Surprises, a service that sends subscribers monthly packages (or should we say "intimate surprises"?). It's like the Bacon of the Month club, only instead of bacon, you're getting marital aids.

Now, I like surprises, so I decided to investigate this phenomenon further. The first package arrived at my office accompanied by a note:

Welcome to Intimate Surprises!

We're so glad you decided to take a leap into the unexpected and see where it takes you.

Because this is your trial membership we wanted to let you warm up to the idea of a monthly surprise. That's why you'll find this month's items are designed to let you relax and savor your time together before you begin to explore.

Which meant what, exactly? Encased in some mesh bags, I found the following:

· One (1) bottle of cheap looking massage oil
· One (1) "Hot Heart Massager"—more or less one of those chemical hand warmers, only in the shape of a heart
· One (1) trial size Wet Warming Lube
· One (1) Screaming O disposable cock ring
· One (1) Vivid Purple Passion vibe (manufactured by Doc Johnson)
· Two (2) batteries, presumably to power the vibrator

I was incredibly underwhelmed by the offerings.

Now, granted, I am a sex toy snob, and likely not the intended audience for this kind of system. But before investing $40/month in this endeavor, you might want to ask yourself what, exactly, you're hoping to get out of this.

High quality sex toys? Not for $40/month, buddy.

The ability to have sex toys delivered to your door, without actually have to pick them out or do any work of "shopping" for yourself? Well, you're getting warmer.

The thrill of knowing that you're being sent a surprise, no matter what that surprise is? That's probably the best reason to pursue this endeavor. And if you don't believe me, just take a look at the Intimate Surprises FAQ:

Q: How will I know if I'll like my surprise?
A: I'll never forget one Christmas when John handed me a beautifully wrapped box with my name on it. The box was huge, so big that I couldn't imagine what was inside, but I just knew it had to be amazing. I carefully pulled off the ribbon and slipped my fingers inside the wrapping paper, lifting off the lid to discover... towels? Yep. Two bath towels. Beige, to be exact. The big kind.

Would I ever, in a million years, have asked for two large bath towels for Christmas? Um, no. Would I have recommended that someone get their wife bath towels for Christmas? Not if I liked them. But you know what? They're fabulous. Large and plush and snuggly. And I love them every time I step out of the shower. See, that's the thing about surprises. They're not necessarily something you'd buy yourself or even think you'd like. In fact, you don't know that you'll love a surprise until you open the box and discover it for the very first time. But when you do, you just may discover that it’s exactly what you needed…even if you never realized it until that very moment.

· Intimate Surprises (intimatesurprises.com)