Brazen And Unshaven

Studio: Pink Visual
Director: various
Cast: Maria Bellucci, Hillary Scott, Vixen Vogel, Jocelyn Stone, Cindy Crawford, Annie Body

Review by: Gram Ponante

And that is the problem - though one we're willing to forgive - with this compilation from Pink Visual. Like most of their "reality" fare, this movie features five scenes that mostly start with a group of guys persuading a woman to get in a car. Being persuaded to get into a car doesn't sound brazen to me, but I guess "Misguided and Unshaven" wouldn't be a great title.

(Well I might buy something called "Misguided And Unshaven.")

No, this movie's value is not in the fact that its stars are unshaven. In fact, very little fuss is made about the women's pubic thatches in movies that were originally sold as lesbian, MILF, or interracial titles. Instead, we get to see the glorious Maria Bellucci, the undulabulous Jocelyn Stone, an early scene by Hillary Scott (with the now-retired Vixen Vogel, a favorite redhead), and the ravenous Annie Body. We also get Cindy Crawford in her "Appetite for Destruction" outfit.

And the pubic hair, just as it was in days of eld, is an afterthought; something to pull on and spit out later, a barrier in name only, just as this movie is "Brazen And Unshaven" in name only.

Not that Pink Visual pays me a goddamn cent, but I would watch these women even if they had no pubic hair at all.

· Pink Visual (PINKVISUAL.com)
· Buy "Brazen And Unshaven" (gamelink.com)

What's it all about? We often ask ourselves that question as we paw through an endless sea of sticky pictures of girls pulling themselves open for well endowed men. Rarely do we come up with an answer that satisfies us. Before we can get underneath the mystery of our attraction to porn, our puerile fascination, we are once again swept away by another incredible young starlet.

Manuel Ferrara certainly doesn't have the answer, we can tell you that. Nor does he have a comprehensive grasp of the English language, for that matter. Yet somewhere behind his sparkling eyes and that elusive Mona Lisa smile, the man has the virile imagination of a perverted genius, bringing our dark fantasies together with great passion and enthusiasm and once again turning our heads and hearts over to our raging insatiable lust.

His latest release is "Slutty & Sluttier 9," and stars Gianna Michaels, Cecilia Vega, Dana DeArmond, Sindee Jennings, Rebeca Linares, Bobbi Starr, Cindy Crawford, and Alicia Angel behaving like absolute sex maniacs and devouring huge cock into their every orifice. It's nothing short of brilliant, with its increasingly harder and harder scenes progressively building to all out gang bang. Our only concern is that we seem to be growing desensitized to it all. If he keeps giving us this kind of amazing goodness, how will we ever watch normal porn again?

We will let you be the judge.

"Slutty & Sluttier 9" releases soon from Evil Angel. Keep your eyes, and other usable body holes, open and ready.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)

Though, then again, seeing Cindy acting out one of our long held fantasies does make us want to reach for the lotion... so maybe there is something to it, after all.

· Cindy Crawford Gets Naked and Creamed (egotastic.com)

. . .

Cindy Crawford

China Chow

Sienna Miller

Maria Beatriz Anthony

Portia de Rossi

Emma Tweed

Kate Moss

Penny Lancaster

Nereida Gallardo

Naomi Campbell

Sometimes male performers can't perform, and are sent home. But women with an advertised talent for squirting sometimes don't squirt. In such cases they stay right where they are and the movie changes around them.

I make it rain / Who make it rain? / I make it rain/ Ooooo! announces the theme song to "I Make It Rain."

Why Depth is a sex therapist in this movie is unclear, as Chase knows everything she needs to do. Maybe her health insurance allowed her more sessions than she actually needed and she decided to use them all up, the way I did when I got that gift certificate to Claim Jumper and ate all that food just so I wouldn't appear ungrateful.

Squirting came to the fore in the western world's mind with the advent of Cytherea, who was a slip of a thing. But Depth chooses women who are a bit thicker, like Chase (pictured)), Flower Tucci, Jada Fire, and Cindy Crawford, and that makes all the difference.

But Chase does not erupt volcanically. "There it is! There it is!" cries Depth at one point, but it seems more for the benefit of fraud lawyers.

Still, Chase has a smoky, scratchy Brenda Vaccaro voice, which makes up for a lot. I think Depth, deprived of such a graphic display of squirting, fell in love instead.

· John E. Depth (itsabigblackthing.com)
· Buy "I Make It Rain" (gamelink.com)

While the cover of "Dr. Probe's Lab of Perversion: The Demon Gynecologist of the San Fernando Valley" promises a sardonic porn right up the alley of writer/director Jim Powers, Hollander's scene is so awash with dark editing program background music that it's hard to figure out if Powers intends us to laugh or just be creeped out; the cover suggests one, the movie suggests another.

The inappropriate gynecologist is certainly Porn's version of the Nazi scientist, but we are made to wait to decide whether this is a fleshier version of "Little Shop of Horrors" or "Marathon Man."

I talked with former AVN editor Rebecca Gray.

"Are you asking me if women think of gynecologists like the hot pizza delivery guy or pool cleaner?" she asked. "No. (The gynecologist's office) is a different space for your head to be in."

Hollander's face registers growing alarm as the doctor takes his sweet time down there.

"I think I dropped something," he calls, sniffing his fingers. He begins inserting all manner of objects.

"Is everything OK, Doctor?" she asks as he inserts a glass dildo in her anus. "I haven't been sexually active in three months."

"That's a shame," he says. Finally, we get to the porn.

Dr. Probe, after rolling up a fucking machine, does the job himself.

"Is it supposed to feel this nice, Doctor?" Hollander asks.

"Just a natural human reaction," he says. "The instruments can only do so much."

I finally decided that the movie was a comedy and just the soundtrack needed to go. Kudos to Hollander who did a nice slow burn, and to Powers for trusting an audience with a longish scene.

Next up is Sindee Jennings as the patient and Seth Dickens as Dr. Probe. The production does not skimp on medical equipment. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

"I'm actually feeling a little bit uncomfortable, Doctor, "Jennings says. "It just feels like you're doing the same things over and over and over."

What makes this movie earn an A for effort is its token attempts to make things look on the up and up for at least a minute or two.

That more or less goes out the window when quintessential porn dude Dirty Harry appears as Guatemalan Doctor to the petrified Cindy Crawford. He speaks Pig Spanish all the way through his scene and at this point the movie becomes high camp (which isn't a bad thing).

Finally, Otto Bauer's scene with Chelsea Rae retreads old ground, but it's still funny. When the good Doctor is finished, he says, "Now get dressed, clean up, and fill out those insurance forms."

This movie is highly entertaining as a collection of scenes that happen to take place in a doctor's office, but something is added (especially in the early scenes) when lip service is paid to something real; that's when "Dr. Probe" gets menacing.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Dr. Probe's Lab of Perversion

Studio: Powersville/JM
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Audrey Hollander, Sindee Jennings, Dirty Harry, Cindy Crawford, Otto Bauer, Chelsea Rae, Seth Dickens, Johnny Thrust

· Jim Powers (mrfilth.com)
· Buy "Dr. Probe's Lab of Perversion" (jerkoffzone.com)

· Cindy Crawford Topless Pictures (egotastic.com)

Previously: Celebrity NippleWatch™: The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly Down Claire Danes' Blouse