Take, for example, Secretary Sam: you can get her to jump, jiggle, and gyrate for you; get topless and play around with her friends Action Amy and Nurse Nikki; or, if that's not doing it for you, you can just up and shoot her in the face. Somehow, we just can't shake the suspicion that this whole thing was developed by (and possibly for) twelve-year-old boys—but hey, if you've desperately been searching for a game that will allow you to (virtually) ogle hot girls and torture them in odd and disturbing ways, well, say hello to your new favorite thing. (Sample game play below.)
. . .

· Fun 2 Play (fun2play.tv)

· BoneTown (bonetown.com)

· Bare Imagery (bareimagery.com)

Yet somehow, all of the Pain "inspired" adult material we've see has just been ... well, sad. First there those "naked" Sarah Palin Photoshop jobs, most of which were pathetic at best. And now we've been confront with two more offerings that almost make us want to give up all together: over at BigBoobsAlert, Charlie James has been proclaimed the Sarah Palin of porn, largely because of her MILF status and (nonexistent) resemblance to the Republican VP nominee.

And then there's "Impalin Palin", a site which would shame even the most committed of Democrats. Aside from its clever name (as clever as "Elilot Splitz-her" at least) there's nothing redeeming about it whatsoever — not even the lousy Photoshop job of Palin riding McCain, which is most definitely the least convincing Sarah Palin fake we've ever seen. Our one consolation is that it seems unlikely this movie will ever get past the concept stage.

Come on, America: don't we deserve better porn?

· Charlie James seducing a young guy at Milf Lessons (bigboobsalert.com)
· Impalin Palin - The Sarah Palin Porn (impalinpalin.com)

*Update: Looks like the site we'd originally linked to has rather lamely removed the gallery and replaced it with an even lamer "apology" to "John McCain and the Republican party" for causing "offense"—which is just as well, because truthfully most of the fakes in it were pretty lame anyway. But we know there are tons more fake Palin porn pics out there where those came from; feel free to link to your faves in the comments below.

· Rude Virtual (rudevirtual.com)

Let's forget for a moment that something so disembodied can even be associated with the delicious Penthouse Pet it was modeled from. For now, let's just look at Jamie Lynn's Ass Stroker for what it purports to be: a reasonable simulation of her anal dimensions.

Myself, I was able to get a thumb and my index and middle fingers in there. After that I think Ms. Elle would have found it difficult. But it felt about right.

Since I get these things for free (thanks, Topco!), I wasn't too aware of comparative price points, so I wasn't able to determine whether a vaginal/regional was as or more expensive than the specific model quivering on my fingertips. What I wanted to know was what made one preferable to the other.

I asked a neighbor in the next office, a director of thoughtful mainstream coming of age films.

"If you were 14 and couldn't get a real person," I asked, "would you rather a big doll, a combo ass and pussy, or something like this tube?"

To his credit, he didn't reply that at 14 he wouldn't have needed anything other than ambient oxygen and 45 seconds. Instead, he gave the best answer of all:

"I would want the smallest thing possible to hide from my mother," he said.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy Jamie Lynn's Anal Stroker (sensualadvisor.com)

I remove the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass from its box. I make a note to highlight and copy "Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass" for my review so I can just hit Apple+V rather than retyping Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass all the time. Its jiggly Cyberskin feels comforting, like an old friend or younger sister of the legions of Cyberskin ladies I've had the pleasure to know.

I've got an HD-DVD player in a corner of the office. Well that's goddamn useless. I take the two AA batteries out of its remote control and stick them in the slider control device of the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass. A wire connects the control to a little bullet-shaped thing which the manufacturers call a "bullet." It is satisfying to shove the bullet into a hole at the top of the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass. Unplugged, that hole might be a distraction; inexperienced users of sex toys might mistakenly fuck it.

Different from the other Cyberskin Vibrating Pussies And Asses in our collection, this one has two suction cups at its base, ostensibly for traction. Me, I derive pleasure from taking and shoving the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass against my file cabinet, the way one would with an actual Lady. Also like an actual Lady, the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass immediately loses suction from one of its cups and dangles off the A-G drawer.

I finally get the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass secured. It is a small representation of those parts and if it weren't Caucazoid and if I didn't already have the image of Bree Olson in my head I would think it had been molded from a scrawnier Thai prostie.

I stick my finger in the hole and curve it around. No G-spot, no ridge. But I did feel the bullet like a calcified fetus. I imagine this is how a Cylon must feel in there. Hot. But I'm going to need some lube, and so is the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass.

I take a moment to wonder who the target audience for such a thing might be. I think it is people with active imaginations, capable of suppressing the knowledge that fucking the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass is actually more difficult and time consuming than using whatever household item or fingers that do the job usually.

Like the axiom that fucking one person means fucking every person that he or she has ever been with, fucking the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass means fucking whatever surface it is attached to, in my case, a filing cabinet. Would that David Cronenberg have walked in as he saw me and the five-foot tall Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Assed file cabinet in a carnal embrace, I would now be collecting residuals in strong Canadian dollars.

· Adam & Eve (AdamEve.com)
· Topco (topcosales.us)
· Buy the Cyberskin Vibrating Suction Base Pussy And Ass (gamelink.com)

Since the technology was available, I contacted Joanna Angel directly about these products.

"Tell me about your engooping," I said. "Was it cold and impersonal?"

"No," Angel said. "It was at the Topco factory. We did it in a little room."

"How long ago?"

"About a year. Last spring."

"So one could have conceived and carried a new being to term in the time it took to create two fake parts of one."

"Yes."

I held the quivering jellylike anus and vagina in my hands, hoping the mailman wouldn't show up, and that the UPS lady would.

"Joanna, you are a big porn star. You have a lot of movies. And you know people jerk off to these movies, but there is always a chance that they don't, so you don't have to autograph a movie knowing that the first thing your fan does is go home and jerk off on the box. But with sex toys in your image (forbidden by the second commandment), you know that people are going to go home and emi9t love spendings on them."

"Yes," she said. "It makes me feel like I've arrived."

Angel said she has stuck her fingers in her Cyberskin representations before.

"They're pretty tight," she said. "I suggest lube."

"What should a consumer be listening to when he goes to town on your ass? Your pussy?"

"For the ass," she said, "Black Dahlia Murder."

"Because the ass reminds you of Michigan, where they're from?"

"No, because they're a metal band. And for the pussy, something electronic, like Brazilian Girls."

· Buy Joanna Angel's Cyberskin Ass & Pussy (adultdvdempire.com)
· Burning Angel (burningangel.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us

· "Black and Blue Deploys Alternate Reality Game in Viral Promotion of NinnWorx_SR's 'The Four'" (xbiz.com)
· "Alternate Reality Gaming Meets the Adult Entertainment Industry with Kronos480BC" (argn.com)
· Kronos480BC (kronos480bc.livejournal.com)

Previously: Ninnworx' "The Four" Is Excellent Xerxoff Material, "The Four" Is Coming ... Eventually

. . .

Photography: Noa Yafe · Art Director: Siren E. · Models: Momo, Zaki · Thanks: D. Laniado
Art courtesy Sexy Art Gallery