· The Naked Clown Calendar (nakedclowncalendar.com)
· "Naked clown calendar — now that's scary" (contracostatimes.com)

. . .

· Hey There Vagina (Monkey Version @ youporn.com - thanks Eddie!)
· Hey There Vagina (slideshow version @ youporn.com)
· Hey There Vagina (original parody/non-explicit version @ youtube.com)

· "Alleged Gene Simmons Sex Tape Released" (avn.com)
· "Rock Icon Gene Simmons Stars in Sex Tape?" (xbiz.com)

Update: After the jump, view some clips from the ten minute video: in one, Alleged Gene Simmons puts on a condom before entering his lady friend, who then refuses to kiss him. The reader may draw his or her own conclusions as to what that all means.

. . .

See also:
· Gene's Secret (genesecret.com)
· Gene Simmons and Terry Gross Interview (NPR transcript @ rof.net)

· We had a dream last night that we went to the beach and Lucy Pinder, Sophie Howard and Michelle Marsh were all just hanging out in their bikinis. Too bad that could never happen in real life. (latenightpictures.com)

· Finally, the weather is warm enough that college students can hold their weekly sweatshop protests in the nude. No, we don't miss college at all. Why do you ask? (kcbs.com)

· Want to learn more about cougars, the MILF's sexy single sister? Too bad reading about them in a local newspaper kinda lowers the naughtiness factor. (fortwayne.com)

· If Seattle allows nude runs and nude bike rides, they should make provisions for nude swims at the public pool as well. How else are you supposed to train for your nude triathlon? (komotv.com)

· Once that's taken care of Seattle will finally be able to focus on the greatest threat to the city's welfare: freak dancing at high school proms. (No, we don't miss high school either.) (seattleweekly.com)

· Microsoft is working on technology that can identify your name, age, gender and location just by looking at your web browsing history—which doesn't really worry us too much since ours is already beyond all hope of redemption anyway, (newscientisttech.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Your daily (or in our case, bimonthly) housecleaning ritual just got a whole lot more interesting with the advent of the Vortex Vibrations, a patent-pending clitoral stimulator that plugs into your vacuum cleaner and promises to bring you to the kind of "faster, better, longer orgasms" than the type you'd get from just getting all the gunk out from underneath your bed or from between your sofa cushions. But don't break out your heavy-duty Oreck XL Pro just yet, ladies: according to the manufacturer, "A small hand held vacuum of 600 watt or less is more than adequate for most women. An 800 watt vacuum has proven satisfying for some, but has been too much suction for other women. A 1200 watt vacuum has been unpleasant to all testers", and may cause your clitoris to disappear into the land of dust bunnies and bread crumbs, never to return. (OK, we added that last part ourselves. Still, you can't be too careful.) Don't miss the short video clip of the device in action, in which a wee balloon is used to stand in for an actual clitoris "in the interest of good taste". Because if there's one thing we'd expect in our $59.99 vacuum cleaner sex toy attachment, it's discretion.

· Vortex Vibrations (vortexvibrations.com - thanks VB)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen: HER Perfect Fit Waterproof, OhMiBod's BodiTalk: Reach Out And Fuck Someone, When Dildos Attack!, Marital Aid Test Kitchen: My First G-Spot Kit, How To: Recycle Your Sex Toys, The NUE: Masturbating Your Way To A Better Tomorrow

If, like us, your January paycheck is in the process of clearing and you're wondering how best to allocate your porn budget for the month, you might be interested in the very excellent list of not-very-excellent pay sites to avoid at Porn Excellence; before coming across it, we thought that parting with a mere $19.95 would have been worth it just to see what lie behind the portals of sites like Crack Whore Confessions or GrandadSex.com, but we would have been wrong. (Actually we're glad to see that with the exception of HairyArms.com, we've never posted about any of the sites which turn up on the list anyway. But then, if you're into naked chicks with hairy arms, you really don't have much of a choice.)

· Porn Excellence: What Not To See ("Absolute Crap" site reviews @ pornexcellence.com)

Previously: Porn Review Haikus: The Return, Pornreports: Porn Reviews Reviewed, Sugar Click, iPorn Directory, Jaxon Jaganov's Porn Reviews, Awful Porn Reviews, The Porn Cynic

To say that Genki Genki isn't vegan safe, vegan friendly and actually may be downright an assault on the world of vegan sex toys, vegan porn, and vegan humans might be a gross understatement—with heavy emphasis on the "gross". After clicking around on the various photoset still samples and seeing more actual fish, tentacle, eel and worm (!) porn than we'd ever hoped to NEVER see in our lives, we realized that we weren't as sex-positive as we'd thought and that it was totally okay to be so judgmental about other people's public sexual experimentation, and even more okay to wish that they'd stop it forever, and that making the interns look at this site was going to make finding new assistants a little less like, er, shooting fish in a barrel, as it were. Click at your own risk, and eat a little less sushi for a while. -VB

· Genki Genki (genki-genki.com)

Previously: Video Playpen: Girls Licking, Hot Octopus Love, Meet Angellore, 3D Tentacle Porn, Tentacle Porn Video Game, Hentai High School, Tentacle Yaoi

When Jonno gets back to Fleshbot and asks us, "what's the poop?" all we can do is shrug and send him a link—and realize that there is really no way to justify breaking one of the Sacred Laws of Fleshbot: no kids, no dogs and no poo. But we'd like you to think of the hardcore 4D gallery like that Christmas present (possibly from the fluid and tranny obsessed minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone) that you get and can't ever, ever return to the universe no matter how hard you scrub your retinas or pour bleach in your ears, or trepan yourself—and yet, you send the URL to all your friends. Almost like it could read "Mr. Hanky was here," the 4D gallery has happy anime babes painting words (of love? holiday greetings?) with their colorful brown sphincter brushes, girls with dicks the size of angry red California Redwoods, and much much more, in (mostly) unpixelated, uncensored glory. -V. Blue

· Gallery 4D (www81.sakura.ne.jp, via Blography)

Previously: Scat Dolls, Kamitora Gallery, Futanari Hentai, Hentai Archives

Sex toy gifts are often thought of as playful, intimate, even caring—but as we've learned the hard way over the years (the Marital Aid Test Kitchen really should merit us some Gawker hazard pay), some sex toy inventions are closer in kin to medieval torture devices than tokens of lust. So this year if you decide to keep your friends close and your enemies closer (to the ER), see how they'll like the Knapsack, a sex machine that straps to the victim's back and penetrates with Basic Instinct icepick precision. (We're sure that running away only angers the Knapsack.) The Ancient Dream Fucking Bicycle could only result in undreamed of road rash; the Fucking Pegasus ("love on the wings!") would be impossible to explain to authorities; or worse, give her a Fristic, billed as "the most effective clitoral stimulator"—for girls with clits of steel, that is. -V. Blue

· Knapsack (motorfun.biz)
· Ancient Dream Fucking Bicycle (motorfun.biz)
· Fucking Pegasus (motorfun.biz)
· Fristic (video, fristic.com, thanks Cory!)

Previously: Top Ten Sex Toy Patents, Fleshbot's Sexy Holiday Gift Guide Guide

Doc (not a real doctor) Johnson has created an abomination in the form of a challenge. This 10-lb. 21" long purple dildo was probably what Father Lancaster Merrin had in mind when he said "I think the point is to make us despair. To see ourselves as... animal and ugly. To make us reject the possibility that God could love us."

Read our review of the King Kong Dildo after the gap.
- GP

- - -

Imagine McDonaldland's Grimace, an amorphous purple hulk jacked up on the lead paint that used to line souvenir glasses. Imagine, then, his evil gaze turning on you. This is the fear with which I was filled when I realized the box jammed cruelly into my mailbox contained not several items but one.

"Only Grimace could have a cock this big," I reasoned.

Adam & Eve has renamed this toy The King Kong Dildo, but it was originally known as The Great American Challenge, and its packaging says that it is sold as an adult novelty only. I wonder what sort of legal trouble the dildo's makers were trying to avoid with that disclaimer. Might someone have accidentally used it to teach school?

I showed the King Kong Dildo to my neighbor. He asked, "Could it be returned if it didn't fit?"

As I spent more time getting to know the device, I realized that today's porn stars, what with their gaping and whatnot, could probably take this thing on with a little spiritual preparation. My wife said the same thing.

"I'd have to really work," she said.

"I don't want you to work that hard," I said. "For those flimsy t-shirts Gawker Media pays me with?"

Even in Adam & Eve's official literature, the always-game Carmen Luvana cannot stand up straight with the thing in her hands. For one to have a meaningful relationship with it, one would have to grow extra stabilizing arms, like a saguaro.

Finally, it's bigger than a cat.

· King Kong Dildo (adameve.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive