XCritic adored the parody plot and the luscious Teagan Presley, Buckton and Morgan were less than impressed. But at least there's one thing we can all agree on: a lot of ladies get their eyes came on... and there ain't nothin' wrong with that.

· New This Week: Not The Bradys XXX: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! (X-PLAY/HUSTLER) (popporn.com)

Loona Luxx, Kyra Black, Jasmin, Milka Manson, Pamela Ann, Antynia La Rouge, and Cherry Jul take on the "cruel cock mafia," then moisturize their insides thoroughly with piping hot protein injections directly deposited into their freshly fucked orifices. So, in that regard, it's kinda a love story... right? Hey, we've been told that's how it's done in Europe, where they make this series. Who are we to question their take on erotica or romance? If it's all the same to you, we'd prefer to avoid another international incident—at least until the President-Elect is sworn in.

Cultural confusion aside, "All Internal 9" is a splendid way to waste away a cold January afternoon—as opposed to, say, toiling thanklessly in a cubicle or updating your resume and heading to the unemployment office. Sometimes you just need a full day (and night) of extremely well-crafted European pornography to get your mind right—that's been our experience anyway.

"All Internal 9" is flying off shelves today, so get your copy today and give 2009 the welcome it deserves.

· Jules Jordan Video (julesjordanvideo.com)

But then the njoy Eleven came into my life, and, well, I must admit I went astray. Compared to the Eleven's eleven inches of joy, the Mk. 1's mere 8.5 inches just came up a little short. The Mk. 1 had been outclassed.

But the good folks at Vergenza haven't taken this challenge lying down: in response to the Eleven (or maybe just to the pleas of size queens around the world), Vergenza has created the Imperial, their very own eleven inch mega dildo.

In many ways, the Imperial is just like the Mk. 1—same materials, same shiny surface, same bumpy ridges and sleek handle—it's just a whole hell of a lot bigger. So big, in fact, that it's best reserved for serious size queens (or at least people with a great deal of lube and even more patience).

Only time will tell where the giant metal dildo of doom wars will take us next. One thing's for certain, though: it can only lead to more orgasms (or maybe a busted cervix).

· Buy the Imperial (inspiredbyvergenza.com)
· Vergenza: Inspired Erotica (inspiredbyvergenza.com)

· Buy the Imperial (inspiredbyvergenza.com)
· Vergenza: Inspired Erotica (inspiredbyvergenza.com)

Nymphetamine

Studio: Celluloid Addiction
Director: Michael Ninn
Cast: Janas Cova and Jordan, Karlie Montana, Cekeste Star, Faye Reagan, Charlie Laine, Heather Carolin, Georgia Jones, Jennifer Dark, Alyssa Reece

Review by: Gram Ponante

In fact, fans of Ninn will rejoice, for there is no mistaking "Nymphetamine" for anyone else's movie.

Angular, high-heeled, and haughty pornstresses make their way across floodlit sets littered with oversize spheres and reflecting pools and have their stylish ways with one another. With a little less digital penetration and a sepia filter the whole movie could be an Obsession ad, but for one new tool in Ninn's post-production portfolio.

Ninn seems obsessed with bullet-time, the slow-mo, pan, and speedup technique made famous by "The Matrix" trilogy and refined by "The 300." It was Ninn's porn version of the latter movie for a soured partnership with the gentlemen's club chain Spearmint Rhino, "The Four," that seems to be the inspiration for this kinder, gentler, plotless, and manless vignette film.

While "The Four" languishes in legal limbo, "Nymphetamine" works within a sparser landscape and just has porn women doing what they do best under such conditions, and looking icy and inaccessible doing it. We assume they're having a good time, but I doubt we will see any of Porn's current crop of big, sloppy barmaids sploshing lustily in their belly rolls in "Nymphetamine 2."

And this singularity of vision is what makes Ninn an artist. Of course the likes of Georgia Jones, Faye Reagan, Jana Cova (formerly of Digital Playground), and Jana Jordan (formerly of ... NinnWorx) would only be found picking their way among severe and whitewashed three-dimensional shapes - they are the embodiments of better girl/girl sex through geometry, and "Nymphetamine" is the perfect movie to have playing in the waiting room of your edgy architect's office - it's like "The Fountainhead" with trim, flush labia.

We're happy to have you back, Michael Ninn. But just once I'd like to see someone like Sara Vandella get nailed on a pallet of Carl's Jr. Six Dollar Burgers in one of your movies.

. . .

· Celluloid Addiction (celluloidaddiction.com)
· Buy "Nymphetamine" (xonair.com)

Basically, whatever you can suction the cup to, you can fuck. But would you want to? That was the question that lingered in my mind as I examined the Ophoria Pleasure No. 6.

I've always been skeptical of suction cup dildos. Frankly, they seem like a bit of a ruse—something that seems good on paper, but is ultimately worthless once you get it out of the box.

But one should not judge what one hasn't fucked, no? And so it was that I welcomed the Ophoria Pleasure No. 6 into my life with open arms er, legs.

The Pleasure No. 6 is a solid, mid-sized silicone dildo with, yes, a built-in suction cup base. It's not the biggest kid on the block, but it's well-proportioned and solid—a quick trip into my parts revealed that, suction cup or no, this was a toy worth spending some time with.

But back to the suction cup.

Now, the idea of fucking my table was wildly unappealing—and not just for hygiene reasons. Frankly, the whole thing seemed like a devious plan to get me to squat (which is not something I take kindly to). I could see similar issues with sticking the dildo onto a wall, as the logistics of fucking in such a set up just seemed, well off. Most positions would be out, indeed, the only thing that seemed plausible would be to, well, back that azz up onto said wall mounted dildo.

I decided to give it a shot.

I happen to think that sex in the shower is one of the greatest things ever (or at least the greatest use of the shower), so I figured that if I was going to fall in love with the Pleasure No. 6 anywhere, it was going to be, yes, in the shower.

With the water running and the Pleasure No. 6 in hand, I encountered a problem I hadn't anticipated. How, exactly, was I supposed to know where on the wall to affix the dildo? How would I know what was the proper height at which to fuck myself?

I took a guess, I was way off. After a few more stabs in the dark, I realized something rather brilliant: rather than blindly attaching the dildo to the wall, and then attempting to fuck it, I could insert the dildo into my parts first, then proceed to attach it to the wall, uh, vaginally.

Once I had the dildo in place, I proceeded to, yes, back that azz up. And, well—look, I'm just going to say it point blank: I was wrong about suction cup dildos.

Being suctioned to a wall afforded the dildo a serious amount of resistance, which resulted in a seriously great fuck. I could thrust away with abandon—the dildo wasn't going anywhere. It was glorious. It was mind opening. It was life changing (well, sort of).

But there's no way I'm ever fucking a table.

· Buy the Ophoria Pleasure No. 6 (babeland.com)
· Ophoria Toys (ophoriatoys.com)

Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Celeste
Cast: Sienna West, Devon Lee, Darryl Hanah, Sky Taylor, Kayla Synz, Rayveness

Review by: Gram Ponante

Watching Porn Valley trophy milves and cougars in their natural habitats - houses with floors that amplify the clacking of their heels, filled with art that neither they nor their husbands look at - is the aim of Digital Playground's Mrs. Conduct, perhaps the second in a trilogy that began with the Janine Lindemulder movie Mrs. Behavin' and which, also perhaps, will climax with Jesse Jane in 2011's Mrs. Tery Train.

That I didn't say Mrs. Carriage makes me "classy."

Like all Celeste movies, Mrs. Conduct is a playful series of vignettes, this time featuring time-honored porn tropes of predatrices-turned lusty submissives.

In one scene, Darryl Hanah commands two underwear-clad workers to service her. In two other scenes, a bearded James Deen attends to his girlfriend's mom or to a delivery customer with no tip money. My favorite scene features Kayla Synz in a Mrs. Robinson role, with Synz looking like the 90's era porn star she was born to be, all angles, legs, surprising curves, and anachronistic haircut.

Like a Wicked movie, though, Mrs.Conduct is distractingly lit. Each scene seems like a dream sequence - which I guess it is - but the cumulative effect is that it looks like the white balance was adjusted too high and then forgotten about.

This drugged feeling should not take you out of the movie, however. Its pluses include the casting of Rayveness, Hannah, and Sienna West as well as Synz, each unmistakeably of the trophy wife school of cougars. We imagine the things they get up to when not seducing household staff; they must at least know how to program their DVRs with ease.

To think that Jesse Jane is actually a MILF (though by one definition, that of being a mother with a child old enough to have friends who would entertain impure thoughts about his mom, Jane is not) is fun to consider while watching this movie, filled with women not much older than Jane but who look the part of bored and bejeweled housewives the way she cannot. Great casting.

While the bright and fuzzy lighting might cause headaches, there are plenty of things populating Mrs. Conduct that would provide quick relief if you'd just do what your mother told you and put some elbow grease into it.

. . .

· Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Mrs. Conduct" (tlavideo.com)

Santa's Revenge

Studio: Loaded Digital
Director: various
Cast: Jenny Hendrix, Evan Stone, Kelly Erikson, Melissa Lauren, Aria, Randi Wright, Annie Cruz, Jenny Lee McKenzie, Jamie Lee, Brian Surewood, Lee Stone, Ron Jeremy, Guy DiSilva, JJ Michaels, Dave Hardman, Earl Slate, Dave Dodge, Paul Coxxx

Review by: Gram Ponante

Santa (Evan Stone) lies passed-out on a couch, still clutching an empty bottle of Ripple. Porning mantis Jenny Hendrix, playing an elf, approaches.

"Put it in there, Santa," says Hendrix.

This is the one original entry in a collection that includes two scenes with Ron Jeremy as Santa (one, from 1997's "Gang Bang Under the Mistletoe," also has St. Nick as a drunk and looks, with hairstyles and eyewear choices, like it was made even earlier), and another scene with Brian Surewood as an elf. It was Surewood's name in the credits that sent up a warning flag, in that he's been in jail for more than a year.

So then we must ask, "Is Santa's Revenge everything the porn world feels the need to say about Santa?" That he is not only a connoisseur of Fine Ladies but also a drunk? And how does coming on a willing partner's face, chest, and neck constitute revenge?

I am not a fan of compilations (I feel it messes with the sacrosanct porn narrative), but I did enjoy a dialogue scene between Jeremy and Surewood, in which Jeremy, a propos of nothing - which is Ron Jeremy's M.O. - says, "Remember we went to Venice Beach to get our palms read, and she said we'd jerked away our lifelines?"

So if you want a ten-year retrospective of what the porn world thinks when it thinks "Santa" and, by extension, what it thinks of you by marketing a compilation as an original movie, by all means buy this film. You can also see porn stars no one has ever heard from again fucking by ancient computers, which I'm sure is a niche in itself, somewhere.

· Loaded Digital (loadeddigital.com)
· Buy "Santa's Revenge" (xonair.com)

But how could I not? It was just so shiny! And metal! And heart-shaped! if anything, it looked more like a very girly lighter than a sex toy—and though I am not a smoker, I do have a soft spot in my heart for very girly lighters. And discreet vibrators. So I took the bait and asked for one.

I knew pretty much immediately that it was probably a mistake. I'm a girl with a taste for complex, mutlifeatured toys, and the Oui was clearly a vibe for the minimalist set. But I decided to give minimalism a fair shake. Maybe I'd develop an appreciation for the simpler side of life?

Alas, it was not a match made in heaven. Though the Oui was decently powerful, I just couldn't get past the fact that it was a flat, vibrating piece of metal that balanced awkwardly against my clit. A flat, vibrating piece of metal that balanced awkwardly against my clit—with only one vibration speed. With a sad sign, I put the Oui away.

There's a heart-shaped hole in my heart, kids. If only this one could have worked out.

· California Exotic Novelties (calexotics.com)

The first time SuicideGirls put out a book, they made one fatal mistake: instead of just focusing on the stuff that makes SuicideGirls great (i.e. photos of hot naked girls), they cluttered the whole thing up with a bunch of words. Thankfully, they've learned from their mistakes. In their follow up tome, SuicideGirls: Beauty Redefined, they've chosen to focus exclusively on the pretty pictures, celebrating the "redefined beauty" that made SuicideGirls stand out from the crowd.

It may be a little late to be thinking about holiday gifts, but we think that SuicideGirls: Beauty Redefined would make an excellent present for any discerning pervert. But don't take our word for it: take a peek inside with our sample gallery below.

· Buy SuicideGirls: Beauty Redefined (suicidegirls.com)

Private’s Christmas special features all manner of holiday festivities, every single one of which looks ordeurs des magnitudes more appealing than spending the holidays fending off ancient aunts and boozy uncles, unwrapping socks and braving the highways in Yuletide traffic. We would much rather have Stella Delcroix and her helpful elves fulfilling our holiday wishes, thank you very much.

If that’s the North Pole, then we are an office full of monkey’s uncles, but screw the white Christmas—it might be time for a tropical tradition.

· Privatre Films (www.Private.com)
· Buy "Dirty Santa" (gamelink.com)

After a year of furiously fapping, what toys have left the strongest impression? What toys do I never leave home without—and which are gaining dust in the back of my dresser drawer? Read on and find out:

10) The We-Vibe: Combining vibration with the sexin' always seems like a great idea—but for some reason, it never seems to work out quite right. Given the mechanics of sex, cock rings can't offer a continuous source of vibration—and for some reason, no one's thought of a better solution. Well, until the We-Vibe, that is. Though it may take some exploration to find out how it works best for you, it's a wonderful way to add a little extra bump to your bump and grind.

9) The Bo: But if you'd rather stick with a cock ring, we can offer no better choice than the Bo. Unlike its cheap, gummy rubber counterparts, Bo is made of sterilizable silicone, and comes with a rechargeable battery. Clearly, a cock ring for the future.

8) The Babeland Nubby G: The Nubby G was my first love, Babeland's phthalate free version provides the same wonderful thrills without the fear of toxic chemicals. Even better, it's cheap! **BEST BUY**

7) The Curve: Until I met the Curve, I thought I hated dildos. With it's beautiful, g-spotterific curves, this toy will have you singing its praises within minutes.

6) The Mia: Going on a trip, and worried someone will see you charging your vibe? The Mia can easily pass for a USB thumb drive... until you slip it between your legs. **BEST DISCREET TOY**

5) The Delight: With its delicious curves and many, many vibe patterns, this vibe most certainly is a delight—I just wish it had a simpler navigation system.

4) The Jollie: With it's massive girth and unwieldy appearance, the Jollie may not be for everyone. But if you manage to work it inside your parts, you may find yourself transported to a place you never even knew existed.

3) The Eleven: Sure, we don't all have $300 to spend on a dildo: but if you do, why not purchase a beautifully carved, 11 inch steel dildo? Think of it as an investment. **BEST LUXURY TOY**

2) The Gigi: Sleek, rechargeable, g-spot friendly, and with an adorable mod design, the Gigi's fun to look at, fun to use, and offers some of the best controls ever seen on a dildo.

1) The SaSi: With all the hype and advanced press, I expected to end up heavily disappointed by the SaSi—what vibe could possibly that good? Yet with its innovative design, the SaSi managed to impress even this jaded reviewer, landing it the top slot in this year's sex toy list.


Worst Toy Of 2008: G-Pilot: Whoever thought it was a great idea to make a small plastic shoehorn to guide the penis towards the gspot needs to take some anatomy lessons, stat.

The Gigi
The Curve
The Eleven
The Mia
The Jollie

Worst:

G-Pilot

What were we so excited about? Well, for one thing, this lesbian martial arts porn epic comes from the fine minds behind such dyke porn classics as "In Search of the Wild Kingdom" and the Crash Pad Series; for another, it's a lesbian porn. About martial arts. How could we not love it?

Of course, a life spent in the porn mines is a life that's accustomed to disappointment—too often, ideas that sound amazing on paper fall flat when transferred to film—so we didn't get our hopes up too high. But we needn't have prepare ourselves for such disappointment: "Champion" delivers, and it delivers in style.

The film follows the story of fighting champion Jessie (played by newly discovered Crush Object Syd Blakovich), a dyke Casanova who's conquered as many women out of the ring as she has in. But despite her history of success, things start to get rocky for Jessie. Will her hard dyke image ruin her career? Or will her Christian manager's attempts to feminize her do it first? Will she defend her title against young upstart Violet (Dallas)? Or will a corrupt bookie convince her to take a dive in the ring? Will Jessie manage to fuck all her costars—or just some of them?

It would be incredibly easy for the film to devolve into a campy mess, but it manages to stay amazing throughout. The characters are believable, as is the fighting (perhaps due to the fact that Syd is a for real MMA fighter), and (most importantly) the sex. Syd's chemistry with her costars is phenomenal—if she's actually faking her way through the sex, she deserves an Oscar for her performance.

But why take our word for it when you can see for yourself? Below, a sneak peek at Syd's scene with Madison Young.

· Buy "Champion" (blowfish.com)
· Thumbnail via Violet Blue (tinynibbles.com)

"More than anything," I said. "Black Assgasm" had such promise: those asses, those nails, that Grimace. Join us after the gap to see what happened.

Have you ever heard of "putty" (as in Silly Putty, not Putty Tat) being used as a euphemism for "penis"? Neither have I. Yet here it is in the description of "Black Assgasms": "These are fine ebony babes who love putting the putty in their pooper until their pussy pops with delight!" But never mind the missed alliteration opportunity with "delight" instead of "pleasure" and other concerns: let's take a look at the film.

"These hoes out here - they bouncin' off the wall" declares the soundtrack to the movie, starring Osa Lovely, Chocolate, Tai Black Cat, and Moca, who make no bones about what is involved and what gets put where. We don't have to wait the entire movie to figure out what the plot is.

You're thinking, "This is too on the nose for me," but you'd be wrong. Sure it's a low budget porn movie, but there's some style, too. It's Halloween and a man waits in the parking lot of a warehouse where he is the cock in a porn scene, talking to his friend on the phone. "I'll hit you back, Doggie," he says. "I think I just saw my date." We see him framed by the sturdy legs of his scene partner.

Then she disappears and he follows her into the warehouse. "Hi Daddy," she says, propping herself on some boxes.

Then they get into it. It's a great scene!

The problem with compilation movies, though, is they can break your heart.

The scenes in "Black Assgasm" were shot between 2000 and this year, so the movie devolves from the real style of the first scene until the end, which is nothing more than a poorly shot free for all that answers with a resounding NO the question "Do you think guys get self-conscious when their cocks touch in a gangbang movie?"

I wish all the scenes in this movie were like the first one. I wish I could get independent confirmation on the existence of another person who uses the word "putty" to describe his junk. I wish these hoes would quit bouncing off the wall.

The disc also contains the full movie "Da Ho's Gotta Have It," rated by the defunct Adam Film World as that magazine's top-rated black title.

. . .

· Juicy Entertainment (xxxjuicy.com)
· Buy "Black Assgasm" (gamelink.com)

In fact, there are pretty much only two things that get us to pay attention to the wide world of sports. sex scandals and people having sex during (or at least immediately after) their sporting session. Luckily, "Sporty Girls" falls into the second category. And Popporn's video review of "Sporty Girls"... well, you should probably just watch it for yourself.

. . .

· New This Week: "Sporty Girls" (Elegant Angel) (popporn.com)

My immediate assumption was that it must be an anal toy. At a mere 5" by 1.25", it seemed too small to be intended for vaginal pleasure; then again, I wasn't quite sure that it was shaped for anal pleasure, either. I decided to turn to the internet for help.

Vergenza's website informed me that the Zephyr is "double-ended and gender neutral"—not particularly specific, sadly; but it did lead me to believe that anal use was certainly somewhere in the mix. But hey, why depend on the internet for information when I had two eager orifices more than willing to give the Zephyr a go?

As a bit of a traditionalist, I started my session with some good old fashioned vaginal play. I'd expected this portion of the experiment to be a bust, but was pleasantly surprised to discover the Zephyr performed surprising well when it came to vaginal stimulation. Despite its small size, the toy has a surprising amount of heft and weight that lends some intensity to its stimulation. My ladyparts were not left wanting.

But what about the ass, you ask? No sooner than I'd had an orgasm (or several), I turned my attention assward. The first thing I realized: The Zephyr requires more warm up than you would expect. Sure, it's all small and cute, and looks like it would slide into a butthole with near no preparation; then again, it's a piece of metal. As we all know, metal has much less give than, say, silicone or a penis. Translation? The toy felt a lot bigger than it looked.

Which, once it was firmly ensconced in my anal region, was not so bad a thing. As a woman who appreciates the finer things in life, I happen to enjoy the sensation of aircraft-quality aluminum stuck up my nether regions. Really, what more could a girl want?

Should you be inclined to stick the Zephyr into your own parts (or the parts of a friend or loved one), just remember: if you're going to be exploring multiple body parts, sterilize it in between uses. It's just better that way.

· Buy the Zephyr (inspiredbyvergenza.com)

By now you've learned how Cyberskin feels and the strangely pleasant blub-blub sound Cyberskin toys make when you squeeze, slap, or fuck them. But not until this moment could you see your own parts smushed within their recesses. You might even become mesmerized by your own skills and forget to ejaculate while waiting for the subway.

Not some mold of a starlet's vagina (unless that vagina is the Brain Bug from "Starship Troopers"), the Cyberskin Ice Action-View Pussy Stroker is entirely what you make of it - not to mention in it.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy the Cyberskin Ice Action-View Pussy Stroker (tlavideo.com)

College student Tori Black sells raffle tickets for her basketball team to couple Marcus and Devinn. With the lengthy setup we know that healthy, All-American Tori will end up selling just a little more to the ravening oldsters but, in porn terms, when we know that everything has already been signed for and payment arrangements agreed upon, this extended dialogue scene is almost a seduction in itself. After all, rarely do porn performers spend too much time on camera together not fucking.

Later, perennial favorites (if I were Yakov Smirnov, I might call them "perineal favorites" ha ha ha!) Ethan Cage and Lexi Lamour - an actual couple - approach delicious Tatiana Kush at a park on the premise of scouting locations for a movie. They get her home pretty quickly. Frankly, I would believe anything Lexi Lamour ever said.

"Here's a new experience you can have," she tells Kush, the aspiring actress. I think Kush and Amber Peach should wrestle.

Later, they pull the same scam on Nicki Flame, this time appealing to her love of horticulture. Then: Marie McCray (something about dogs).

If an alien (from Space, not Yakov Smirnov) were to view just one porn movie, and if that movie were "Couples Seduce Teens 10," he could be forgiven for assuming that Porn Valley is full of couples on the prowl for easily-convinced teen flesh. Let's hope that life imitates art in my neighborhood.

. . .

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Couples Seduce Teens 10" (gamelink.com)

Post-Apocalyptic Cowgirls

Studio: Bleu Productions
Director: Maria Beatty
Cast: Surgeon Scofflaw, London, the 1973 AMC Spirit

Review by: Gram Ponante

On the saguaro-speckled byways of Arizona, a woman named Surgeon Scofflaw hitches rides from likely motorists. But one thing about Surgeon - she never seems grateful. Picked up by London, Surgeon immediately demands to drive and then forces London to gobble her strap-on. At least it's got a condom on it.

This is Maria Beatty's "Post-Apocalyptic Cowgirls." I learned from the movie's site that WWIII and Global Warming have turned the world into southwest Arizona. As the girls were already in southwest Arizona, at least they didn't have to run out to Mervyn's and get new wardrobes.

Then - and without even ponying up gas money - Surgeon both pisses and lactates on London in a junkyard. The clinical shots of this unusual desert precipitation were fascinating.

The photography by Nate Liquor bounces between road images of passing flora and the cramped interludes - most of which take place in or around the car - between Surgeon and London. With all of the American Southwest to play in, we wonder what it is that makes the two want to stay cooped up by London's AMC Spirit hatchback.

This is not a Porn Valley lesbian movie. This is a dirty, grabby, aspy, dusty series of interludes from November 2007 shot in the rain and the desert chill. There are none of the reveals that tend to delight the straight viewer of faux-lesbian sex. Indeed, Surgeon's and London's clothes stay mostly on, possibly due to the temperature.

With this in mind, and knowing that Surgeon is the one in charge throughout the movie, it is no surprise to see the manner in which London makes her exit from the film. We get the impression that Surgeon and London didn't bump into each other by happenstance.

Beatty directs with assurance and a keen eye for her target audience. That audience is not necessarily me, but I could tell there wasn't a missed step in the movie, which plays like a Chamber of Commerce ad for southwest Arizona (when there aren't hardcore lesbians fisting each other in it).

Bonus points to the soundtrack, provided by Lydia Lunch ("we go way back" says Beatty) Yann Jaffiol, and Bunny Rabbit. In a time when any MySpace band can be convinced - at least once - that it may help their career to be on a porn soundtrack in lieu of actual money, a recent porn trend consists of movies awash in incongruous, bad music that only benefits the producer in having been secured for free.

The "Cowgirls" soundtrack is a simple, spare mix of surf and Lunch's art-noise, which is perfect for the inside/outside smirky violence of the movie.

I think Beatty's next effort should feature Surgeon and Rutger Hauer in a hitchhiker fistoff.

· Buy "Post-Apocalyptic Cowgirls" (bleuproductions.com)

The description of this movie (and bear with me) is poignant:

Many men prefer their women on the tamer and quieter side! If that is you, these Japanese girls are a rare delight in a world of loud, annoying and fat, ugly women.

Reading between the lines, we can imagine a nation of Walter Mittys for whom the good old days meant quiet, submissive ladies who didn't snack between meals and whose opinions were their spouse's opinions.

But everyone from Yuki, here, to this morning's Dunkin' Donuts cashier in Mesa, AZ, knows that good blowjobs don't happen right out of the box, so that meekness is as cultivated as Sayaka's surprisingly assured fellatio skills.

. . .

· Third World Media (thirdworldxxx.com)
· Buy "I'm Camera Shy 2" (gamelink.com)

But, in another way, "Romona" is difficult because it is one of those movies that is so wordy at times that the only way one can remember it's a porn flick is because 1.) well, come on, the acting, and 2.) because one is at all times wanting to see the people who currently have their clothes on with their clothes off.

We are happy to report that in this movie Ava Rose does not repeat Eddie Albert's mistake; she ditches the duds.

. . .

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Shades of Romona" (gamelink.com)

The Ella bears a strong resemblance to one of my favorite vibrators ever, LELO's Gigi. In fact, if you dipped the handle of the Gigi in silicone, you'd pretty much have the Ella—but that resemblance alone was not enough to convince me of the Ella's worth.

Using the Ella, on the other hand, was. With its deliciously curved head, it's perfectly poised to stimulate the gspot—which, as luck would have it, just so happens to be one of my favorite types of stimulation! Ladies in search of a thicker sensation would do well to flip Ella around and use her handle as her head. Or hey, you can even switch it up midsession and use both ends in one sitting (though please be warned that this can make quite a mess).

Those with more expensive tastes (or thicker billfolds) than my own might also appreciate Ella's cousin, Olga, from the LELO Luxe line. Similar in shape to Ella, Olga is manufactured out of either stainless steel or gold plate. Sadly, she's far more expensive than Ella (by a factor of 9!), but sometimes that splurge is just worth it.

· LELO (lelo.com)
· Buy the Ella (lelo.com)

McLennan, an aspiring actress and former Canadian junior tap dancing champion from Montreal, came to New York in 2000 and didn't catch the acting break she needed. Broke and single in 2003 and not knowing how she would pay her rent, she followed what was a surprisingly short series of leads into prostitution. But not the street kind: the limo and rooftop pool kind.

And that in three years it was all over isn't the story of the book. "In retrospect," McLellan told Fleshbot from Montreal, "there are only elements that I wouldn't repeat. Like the drugs. But I can't say it wasn't a great time or that I didn't learn a lot."

McLellan's rise from $700 an hour to more than $2k per session is fairly short. While she believes she is good at what she does, is well-read, articulate, and engaging, McLennan doesn't think of herself as model-beautiful. We get the impression that the world is ready for someone like her to occupy a space rather than submitting to her will.

"Post-9/11," McLennan said, "maybe people were thinking of other things."

She covers the logistics of the escort agency New York Confidential in a style that is less bookish and more like a MySpace blog. There is an inevitability about events with unclear antecedents, as if 20 years might need to elapse before we see the Why. As it is, "The Price" is valuable because it paints a picture of a New York where being the city's Number One Escort is something that can be advertised in New York magazine. What made this possible? That's a different book.

In "The Price," McLennan's world goes quickly from penury to shopping sprees where she spends $15k before lunch and, while we see some lean times and an absent dad in her childhood, we don't get the impression that she is damaged goods. She's got boyfriend trouble, sure, sometimes the other escorts get jealous, she wonders whether she should tell the Hollywood agent she's servicing that she's also an actress - but all of it seems so normal. She seems devoid of the baggage that accompanies women in most mass market sex worker narratives.

"Well," McLennan said, "that's because I'm a normal person."

Perhaps because all of the famous characters are still around, McLennan does not name most names, but this serves the narrative in that "The Price" is procedural and not a tell-all; we become more fascinated with her closets and the thread-count of her sheets than we do with who the famous quarterback is.

"Those were the reasons/And that was New York" said McLennan's countryman Leonard Cohen in "Chelsea Hotel #2" which, when you think of it, also paints what someone else might call sordid in a more matter of fact light. As New York Confidential unravels with the imprudent Page Six boasting of its owner, Jason Itzler, as McLennan becomes more mired in drugs, and as events sail toward their inevitable "Behind the Music" conclusion, we still know from the fact that we are reading an autobiography that "this just happened" and it couldn't be that bad.

And it isn't. McLennan got charged with money laundering for her role in the agency, is back in Canada as the manager of a spa, and is doing her book tour, spending a little time, no doubt, on Ashley, an escort acquaintance whose involvement with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer caused him to resign. But "The Price" is not about Ashley, and it is almost not about McLennan; it's more of a mash note to New York City and the things that are possible there if you are a voyageur sans baggage.

· Buy "The Price: My Rise and Fall As Natalia, New York's #1 Escort"
(amazon.com)

It would have been easy to test this vibrator out by myself, in the privacy of my own home—easy, sure, but hardly fun. Since I wanted the full experience (and the naughty thrills), I enlisted my assistant—who, as luck would have it, was meeting me at a party that very evening. Early in the day, I gave him the remote, taking the vibrator for myself. The next time we were in the same room together, our experiment would have begun. Yeah, you could say I was excited.

Since I wanted to arrive at the party with my toy in place, I slipped it in to my girlparts right before I left home. Now, I should clarify something here: when I said that the Cry Baby is small, I meant compared to, say, the King Kong dildo. Compared to other vibrating eggs, on the other hand, the Cry Baby is rather beefy, with enough heft to keep it inside the vagina rather easily. And, for that matter, enough heft to make it feel really, really good. Even without the vibration, the Cry Baby felt quite nice inside me—though my feelings of arousal were probably heightened by the naughty sensation of walking around in public with a vibrator in my vajay. (Either way, right?)

By the time I got to the party, I was pretty turned on—and really eager to see what the vibrating part of this toy would do for me. I tracked down my partner and persuaded him to take part in the fun.

"But I wanted to surprise you," he said.

I wasn't about to wait for that.

With the remote control, the Cry Baby can be guided through 10 different vibration settings. The first handful walk you through increasing levels of vibration, then the Cry Baby shifts into different pulse patterns. I must admit that I was somewhat disappointed by the level of vibration—even at its highest setting, the Cry Baby was whisper soft compared to most of the vibes that I've used. But maybe that's intentional: though having a super powerful vibrator in your pants sounds like a great way to get through a party, it's hard to be discreet when you have a Magic Wand pounding away at your clit. While the Cry Baby didn't leave me screaming, it was certainly enough vibration to get my attention—and, after a certain amount of time, enough to make me come, too.

Towards the end of the evening, the Cry Baby seemed to be dying. While it would initially respond to a tap on the remote control, the vibrations would quickly die after only a few seconds of fun. Was the battery dying? Had I broken my toy? I wasn't quite sure—but I wasn't happy about it. Sure, I could have carried some spare batteries—but the amount of effort I'd have to go through to switch them in... well, I wasn't about to take on that task.

I would have liked to have taken the Cry Baby out at the end of the party. Since it was dying, it wasn't good for much more fun; and I wasn't too keen on the idea of riding the subway home with it still in my snatch. Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a choice: the Cry Baby doesn't come with any kind of carrying case or satchel, so there was no place to put it once I'd removed it from my downstairs (and I wasn't about to carry it around, or throw it in my purse). So I had no choice but to keep the party going all the way home (okay, it wasn't that big of a sacrifice).

The Cry Baby is a lovely little toy that works well as a party toy—but since it's not the strongest stallion in the stable, you probably won't be bringing the party home. Nevertheless, if you like the idea of some in public action, you might want to add this one to your toy chest. Just, uh, remember to bring a baggie with you to stow the toy in once you're ready to wrap up your fun.

· Buy the Cry Baby (babeland.com)

. . .

· New This Week: Surfer Girls 2 (popporn.com)

Of course, I'm not just any sex toy connoisseur; I'm a very, very picky one. So I wasn't too thrilled by JimmyJane's selection: the Rabbit is, well, overrated and the Pocket Rocket—well, though it was one of the first vibes I ever owned, it wasn't the most thrilling. It was loud, and awkwardly shaped, and though it was rather cheap (it's main selling point) I always kinda felt that it could have been made better.

Enter the Jolie. A small, one speed vibe—just like the Pocket Rocket!—the Jolie comes armed with a few improvements. First, and best of all, it does away with the Pocket Rocket's straight up and down build, adding a small kink about halfway down the stem. It may seem like a small point, but remember that women tend to be rather curvy themselves, and that tiny little bend can do a lot to increase stimulation in the parts that count.

Beyond that little bend, how does it handle? Well, keeping in mind that this is a Pocket Rocket style vibe (read: small, cheap, and one speed), it does fairly well. The vibe is controlled by a small dial on the bottom, which has four settings: "open" (for when you want to change the battery), "close" (for when you want to, uh, close it), "off" (which is kinda the same thing as close), and "on" (this should need no explanation). The beat may be simple, but it's certainly steady—and if you're needs are simple, you should find it does the job just fine.

· Buy the Jolie (natural-contours.com)

"It looks like what they do with a cell phone tower when they try to make it look like a palm tree," said an interested observer of the floppy rubber sleeve ending with a more turgid penis facsimile. "You can tell something's not right but you're not sure what."

The feeling of tightness was not unpleasant, but it soon became clear that the Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension would require some handling if the sensation weren't to be like trying to write with a broken pencil.

I will not include a picture of myself sporting this thing, as my job is to write about sex, not inspire it.

So, holding on tight to the space between where I ended and the Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension began, I guided the vessel into the interested observer and she sort of dug it, my being suddenly mixed-race and all. I felt like I was reversing the Bradley Effect every moment I was in there. But it was more work for me despite her enjoyment and - full but reluctant disclosure - the pudendum addendum, while longer, was not actually thicker. So it was like I was poking her with San Francisco's Transamerica Building.

The overall effect was like jerking off in a sleeve while where I wanted to be was four inches away, which was very porny.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy "Cyberskin 4" Extra Thick Transformer Penis Extension" (gamelink.com)

. . .

· Crash Pad Series (crashpadseries.com)
· Blowfish Presents (blowfish.com)

After great success with vibrators like the Gigi, the Iris, and the Mia, LELO has announced the launch of a line for men (also known as LELO Homme). Currently consisting of two toys, the Bo (a cock ring, or "gentleman's pleasure object") and the Bob (a butt plug), LELO Homme has eyes to expand—and after my experience with the Bo, I have to say that I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more from LELO Homme.

For the most part, my cock ring experience has been limited to cheap, gummy toys along the lines of the Sonic Ring Kit. Even at first glance, it was immediately apparent that trying to compare the Bo to the Sonic Ring was like trying to compare a Prius to a Model T. They were worlds away.

Like most vibrating cock rings, Bo has two parts: a small vibrator and a ring to hold said vibrator in place. Unlike, say, the Sonic Ring, however, Bo's vibrator is a sleek, rechargeable affair; and the ring is a stretchy, yet sterilizable, silicone. Even more elegant is the way the two parts snap together—no pulling and stretching the ring to slide the vibrator in place, simply slide the two parts together and enjoy.

But, of course, all that sleek style is meaningless if there's no substance to be seen—and thankfully, the Bo has substance aplenty. Because the silicone ring conducts the pleasure points vibrations, the whole toy becomes a source of pleasure—not just the tiny tip at the top. (I could also swear that the toy made my partner's penis vibrator, too—but, um, your results may vary.) This also helped mitigate the most frustrating element of any vibrating cock ring; though the intensity of the vibration varied depending on the position of my partner's cock, it was the same extreme, on/off sensation that I've seen with other toys.

So, overall, a big thumbs up to LELO Homme. I'm looking forward to seeing what future products they plan to roll out—especially if they manage to take on the Fleshlight.

· Buy Bo (babeland.com)

Take, for example, Secretary Sam: you can get her to jump, jiggle, and gyrate for you; get topless and play around with her friends Action Amy and Nurse Nikki; or, if that's not doing it for you, you can just up and shoot her in the face. Somehow, we just can't shake the suspicion that this whole thing was developed by (and possibly for) twelve-year-old boys—but hey, if you've desperately been searching for a game that will allow you to (virtually) ogle hot girls and torture them in odd and disturbing ways, well, say hello to your new favorite thing. (Sample game play below.)
. . .

· Fun 2 Play (fun2play.tv)

As a fan of both g-spot and clitoral stimulation, I was pleased to note that the Liberte can be used both internally and externally. As an external toy, it curves deliciously around the pubic mound, the neck nestling in the folds of the labia as the head presses into the vaginal opening. Internally, the head curves up to tickle the g-spot—and depending on how you're built, you may be able to get some clitoral stimulation as well as the base inches closer to your parts.

So formwise, I was quite pleased with the Liberte: unfortunately, some of its function left me wanting. The toy is controlled by a single button on the base, and—as with other one button toys—the attempt at simplicity strips the toy of some functionality. There is no easy way to go back and forth between vibration modes, instead, you're placed on a fixed track that you may not veer from. Hit the button once, and you've encountered the highest level of vibration, a second and third tap will take you to the next two (lower) vibration levels, a fourth will cause your Liberte to pulse, and a fifth will turn it off. There's nothing quite so frustrating as accidentally hitting a button in the heat of passion... and realizing you must cycle through three other types of vibration (and off mode!) before you can return to your pleasure zone.

But when you're in that pleasure zone... well, it's pretty nice. Given it's low cost, the Liberte is a pretty good buy—provided you're able to keep your fingers from slipping on the button.

· Buy the Liberte (natural-contours.com)

For the most part, the Form 6 2.0 is remarkably similar to it's predecessor: same general form, same set of buttons, same vibration patterns—and initially, it seems as though the improvements are largely cosmetic. While the original Form 6 was only available in purple and a sickly sort of mint green, the 2.0 (which, naturally, is available in purple) comes in black and blue as well. Additionally, the charging case has changed: instead of placing the Form 6 on a small platform, you now secure it in a little charging box—an excellent improvement for those who have a tendency to knock charging vibrators off the night stand.

Examining the toy a little more closely, one will notice that the buttons have completely changed. Instead of articulated white buttons, the Form 6 2.0 has Braille-like symbols raised on the silicone coating, with the actual buttons underneath the skin. There's a very good reason for this change: with the buttons all covered up, the Form 6 is now completely waterproof and submergible (as opposed to just splashproof). Yes, bathtime certainly is lots of fun with this toy around.

Unfortunately, in all their upgrading, the team at JimmyJane neglected to change the one thing I dislike the most about the Form 6. No matter how beautiful, functional, and waterproof the toy may be, I can't get over the noise factor. This thing is loud—far louder than its graceful appearance would lead you to believe. And it's not simple the inevitable noise that comes with the vibration of a motor, either. To indicate that it's been turned on, the Form 6 beeps loudly, then segues into a vibrational hum and what sounds like some low beeping, For maximum enjoyment of the Form 6, you might have to plan some musical accompaniment to drown out its soundtrack.

· Buy the Form 6 2.0 (babeland.com)

. . .

· AdultBluReview.com (adultblureview.com)

Somehow, amazingly, yes. "XOXO Joanna Angel" is truly a tribute to Joanna's strengths as a performer. In eight full scenes, she explores a great deal of new ground, getting down and dirty (and we do mean dirty) in the best possible way. It is, perhaps, some of the highest praise we can give to say that Joanna makes a gangbang look like a whole lot of fun: after watching her eagerly enjoy cock after cock, we found ourselves wondering why, exactly, we'd never made the time to include such a fabulous activity in our own lives.

Fans of "Porny Monster" and "Joanna's Angels" may be disappointed to learn that "XOXO" doesn't have much of a plot. When the feature begins, Joanna is getting ready to go out to a club; we soon learn that she's headed to the release party for "XOXO Joanna Angel" (not to be confused with this). At the party, she screens "XOXO Joanna Angel," the movie within a movie (porno within a porno?) that comprises five of the eight sex scenes (the other three work their way into the film as Joanna tells sexy stories to fellow partygoers). Of course, given that "XOXO" clocks in at over three hours, we'd have a hard time sitting through any plot it offered anyway: unless you're in the mood for a marathon porn session, the film is probably best enjoyed on a scene-by-scene basis (in which case an overarching plot is ultimately irrelevant).

So: with anal, blowjobs, girl on girl, group sex, a gang bang, bukkake, voyeurism, bondage, BDSM, exhibitionism, masturbation, phone sex, nightvision sex, a blow bang, and an appearance by "Barack Obama," we're pretty sure that Ms. Angel has pretty thoroughly covered the porn continuum from A-Z. And really, what more could we ask? We're thrilled to see to Joanna at her filthiest: really, our only request is "More, please."

But hey, don't just take our word for it. Check out the gallery of stills below, and see for yourself:

· Buy "XOXO Joanna Angel" (gamelink.com)
· Burning Angel (burningangel.com)

Even without turning the Ideal on, I could tell that it had some important improvements over the Magic Wand. Aside from the cord-free aspect (which was making me giddy) there was also the matter of its handle. While the Magic Wand's handle is a straight up and down staff, the Ideal's curves into a delicate hook, providing a vastly easier way to maneuver the toy (and one that won't aggravate your carpal tunnel, to boot!).

But, of course, none of that means anything without the raw, ultimate power aspect. Like the Magic Wand, the Ideal has two settings (high and low)—also like the Magic Wand, these settings might be better labeled "super high gear" and "burn your clit off." The Ideal may not be quite as intense as the Magic Wand (that cord does count for something), but it was enough raw, ultimate power to make me happy.

But what about the girl who wants some raw, ultimate power inside the hooha? You'll be pleased to know that Natural Contours has thought of your needs, as well. Though the Ideal itself is for external use only, it's compatible with the G-Plus attachment, a little rubber cap that slides over the ball of the massager. Jutting out from its sides are two prongs: a larger one for internal use and a smaller one for clitoral stimulation. It may make your Ideal look like a creature from outer space—but it also turns it into a rocking vibe that goes both in and out (a tolerable trade off, I think).

Because the G-Plus is made of a soft, flexible plastic, I was initially concerned that it wouldn't have the strength to fuck me with any force. That concern was quickly put to bed. Though the initial penetration was a little difficult (lube helps!), once inside, the G-Plus proved more than up to the job. (Note for loyal Magic Wand owners: the G-Plus fits over the head of the Magic Wand, too!)

A powerful vibe that doesn't need to be plugged in, with a fancy g-spotter attachment. I never thought I'd hear myself say this... but I think I've finally found a replacement for that good old Magic Wand.

· Buy the Ideal Massager (natural-contours.com)
· Buy the G-Plus Attachment (natural-contours.com_