Mr. Sponge escorted fellow Southerner Stormy Daniels to the AVN Awards a few years back, so we knew he was of the populist "Jackass" variety of radio hosts, and he has since released several editions of his uncut studio exploits with porn stars and hapless employees.

"But this Bree bitch wasn't believing that Steve was blind," huffs Bubba.

Probably because he wasn't.

The idea was that Olson would be introduced to employee Steve, decked out in sunglasses and walking stick, and perhaps feel sympathetic enough to his condition that she would give him a handjob.

But she wasn't buying it.

"I think you guys are messing with me," she says. "I don't think he's really blind."

Radio interviews with mass market DJs are still among the gold rings of porn publicity, so Olson puts up with the ruse for a while, and then, in a clear gesture of "Whatever," she begins texting. Moments later, she exits the Florida studio and walks at a clip down the road, pursued by a cameraman and another Sponge minion.

"Then she had a total meltdown!" Bubba drawls.

Olson grabs the camera and won't let go, demanding to get the tape. Sponge underlings give her a blank tape and make their getaway.

"Bubba Raw 4" features various segments of nudity a la "Girls Gone Wild" and cruelty to employees a la Howard Stern, but it's not as entertaining or as original, and that's saying a little. Sorry you had to deal with that, Bree.

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You should know that no Swedes or French were fucked in the making of these films.

Since it is illegal to film most actual schoolgirls (unless they're on the five-year plan), we already know that Porn provides an extended adolescence for 24-year-olds to jump into pigtails and schoolgirl drag. Sadly, that prospect is moot in "French Schoolgirls," a badly shot and poorly edited compilation from long before its 1980 release credit, in which no French is spoken and no schoolgirl is deflowered.

But it's especially interesting to watch classic porn; perhaps because not only are these women currently older than us, but they also just look older on film.

It's also fun to watch classic porn because of the widely varying standards. While we have plenty of filmmakers today who consider their work Art, the condition was rampant in the so-called Golden Age. Hence why two Brooklyn-accented women discussing their sexual fantasies on a waterbed whilst smoking cigarettes and generally appearing to be in their late 20's are somehow the basis for calling this film "French Schoolgirls."

To reiterate: aside from the scratchy pop music in the background, nothing about this film (shot in New York City) is French.

It's a pretty bad film by any standard, but shots of the New York subway and John Holmes in his prime (the film credits him as John "Wadd" Holmes - can you imagine watching "Black Snake Moan" with Christina "The Ice Storm" Ricci?) are compelling. Oh, and one of the women appears to be fucking Freddie Mercury.

"Swedish Sorority Girls," on the other hand (starring Colleen Anderson, Karen Havens, Roger Caine, Paula Morton, David Christopher, Samantha Fox [yes, that Samantha Fox], Vee Summers, Clea Carson, and Joey Silvera [as Joey Civera, for some reason]) at least makes an effort, even if it is a laughable one.

For one thing, it has snow. For another, all the Americans say "ja" a lot and call each other by Ingrid or Sven. When Ingrid's American cousin flies into what appears to be a snow-covered Albany airport, the Ikeaporn begins.

Like "French Schoolgirls," however, no pretense is made in this film to justify the sorority of the title.

Though both films were released in 1980 ("French Schoolgirls" appears much older), it is clear that, even then, producers were aware that they could pretty much get away with anything as long as nudity was involved.

And that is true even to this day. Sometimes I show a little nipple when I don't have enough cash for the tip at TGI Friday's.

But at least "Swedish Sorority Girls," with its snowball fights, gratuitous "Ja"s, and a blonde, tries.

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Frisk Me

Studio: Heartcore Films
Director: Madison Young
Cast: Madison Young, Satine Phoenix, Syd Blakovich, Malia Mojado, Raina DeGrey, Mickey Mod, Maestro, Tyler Knight, James Mogul

If "1984" were a million times sexier and set in San Francisco, it would look something like "Frisk Me." In this movie, Madison Young invokes security guards, criminals, the police, the TSA, and Big Brother surveillance in an effort to show the undercurrent of sexual control and voyeurism present in institutions designed to protect us. These may be lofty goals for a porno, but what's wrong with that? Also, there is sex.

The first vignette involves Syd Blakovich and Satine Phoenix getting ready for a heist, dolled-up like Bonnie and Clyde. Then, because getting dressed makes them horny, they have sex. If this seems like a tangent breaking-off from the exploration of Orwellian sexuality, it is, but it's the only one in the film. Furthermore, Syd Blakovich gets eaten out on a piano, and you discover that the female orgasm produces the same dark notes as a Rachmaninoff piece.

Save for that one private romp, every sexual act is designed to blur the lines between dominance and submission, or voyeur and exhibitionist. In the following scene, Syd and Satine tie a bank guard, Mickey Mod, to a chair and try to extract the vault's combination from him. While it looks like Syd has total control—punching and slapping the guard as she pleases—it's unclear who really has the upper hand. After all, Mickey has knowledge the girls need, and for every number he gives out, he's treated to a blowjob, anal sex, and/or Satine fucking herself with his nightstick (which is just a fancy word for a dildo).

Next, newcomer Malia Mojado stirs cake batter with an enormous, pink vibrator. Naturally, Big Brother (played by James Mogul) is watching from an undisclosed location, so Malia says, "If you're always watching me, I'm going to give you a show." As she ravages herself with her 2-in-1 cookware, Big Brother becomes noticeably uncomfortable, and yet he continues to watch. Does he do it because he has to, or because he wants to? More importantly, which of those scenarios is hotter?

The most intense scene has Raina DeGrey, an anxious traveler late for her flight, in the clutches of Maestro, the TSA agent with a no-nonsense attitude. In the course of normal security procedures, Maestro discovers that Raina is wearing nothing but revealing underwear and fishnet stockings under her trench coat. In addition, her carry-on bag contains the following: dildos, dildos in plastic bags, vibrators, black latex gloves, a couple pieces of clothing, and lube. Unfortunately, she has more than 3 ounces of lubricant, so Maestro has to fuck her brains out. Those are the rules.

As harsh as it may sound, it's not surprising to hear a TSA employee addressed in the same manner a submissive would respond to his or her dominator. It's practically the same lexicon of quiet respect and obedience you see at use in airports. It's barely noticeable as Maestro narrates his reason for mouthfucking Raina, stating, "this is my main searching device, this is how I find things."

Finally, in what could've been a much darker scene, Madison Young seduces a cop on the beat with her free spirit, love of art, and penchant for penis. Tyler Knight is undoubtedly the nicest cop I've ever seen; he even bothers to 69 with a girl he was seconds away from fining. If it weren't for the uniform, this scene would be devoid of questions of power, as both Madison and Tyler just seem excited to be fucking. They have chemistry that completely equalizes them as sexual partners, and that alone is worth watching.

On the other hand, maybe you're not into "feminist porn" that undermines the ideals of both Larry Flynt and Andrea Dworkin. Maybe you're not a paranoid liberal who thinks the government is out to—literally—fuck us. That's ok! You'll still enjoy "Frisk Me." The actors are hot, they practice safe sex (with real condoms and everything!), and everybody has a good time. Just watch it (or they'll watch you).

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Yes, beautiful butch Syd Blakovich dons a bright red wig (the better to match April Flores, of course) and lingerie, and looks fabulous. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

"Behind the Red Door" envisions a dreamy dollhouse in which Doll #12 (April Flores) moves from room to room, inspiring erotic encounters with every opened door. The dolls play show and tell, dress up (and undress) for each other, and, of course, fuck: with fingers, toys, and any available body parts (including feet!)...and the result is a delicious, wonderful experience.

Because we have a serious crush on Syd Blakovich, we found ourselves most enraptured with her scene (for those who love her best as a butch—she loses the wig fairly quickly). Syd and April are, in a word, electric—their passion for each other is obvious...and we, frankly, are just grateful they allowed a camera to be in the room when they consummated their lust.

But don't think that Syd and April's scene is the only one worth watching: Kelly Shibari and Ashley Blue offer equally enticing experiences, both on their own and with April—and the mysterious Matador takes April to the limit.

Through it all, the film is carried along by a rocking soundtrack, which—combined with the arty, accomplished camera work—gives the film the feel of a very erotic music video. If MTV screened stuff like this, well...we might actually have a reason to watch MTV. (Of course, if MTV actually showed music videos, period...oh, nevermind.)

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Syd Blakovich and April Flores
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Unseasoned Players

Studio: Tom Byron Pictures
Director: Tom Byron
Cast: Kagney Linn Karter, Brooke Lee Adams, Giselle Ibiza, Gracie Glam, Sammy Grand, Tom Byron, Mark Zane, Mikey Budters, Sascha

So, Tom Byron sits there, interviewing the girls, looking a bit like John Tesh, and you just get the feeling that everything is going to be ok. This movie is a spin-off of his "Seasoned Players" series, but instead of veteran actresses and MILFs, he's showcasing rising stars who he believes have great potential. There are five scenes; what you see is what you get.

Yet there is something notably different between the way one enjoys "Seasoned Players" and the way one watches "Unseasoned Players." With the former, you get Tom Byron (or Sean Michaels on that one occasion) interviewing someone with hundreds of films under her belt, chatting and laughing, and then fucking with equal comfort and vigor, like old friends reuniting.

If "Seasoned Players" is a high school's 20-year reunion, "Unseasoned Players" is like the prom: everyone is slightly awkward but determined to have a good time. The interviews are stilted, as Tom reads off a questionnaire and the girls respond timidly (save for Brooke Lee Adams and Kagney Linn Karter, who are both excellent conversationalists). The sex itself is good, but there are many instances where angles and postures have to be corrected, and the editing gets jumpier than a Godard film.

Gisele Ibiza is the least experienced of the bunch, as her scene with Sascha was her second scene ever. Watching her makes me realize that I watch too much porn. Little things stand out: she moans when there's nothing to moan about, she enunciates her sexual advances, she chews gum through a blowjob, and she says "that's hot" rather often. But you know what? The minute Sascha moves her hair out of the way, you discover that she sucks his dick like she's storing up for the winter. You can't find enthusiasm like that just anywhere.

Brooke Lee Adams is slightly less enthusiastic than the others. Her interview is amazing, and genuinely interesting. For example, she's got a great story about doing a foot fetish shoot in which the director made her smoosh cheese with her toes and then eat it. Sadly, she is largely stoic throughout her scene with Mikey Budters. The only time she becomes vocal is towards the end when Mikey finds the sweet spot spooning on the couch.

Gracie Glam and Sammy Grand also deal with some minor awkward moments, but are both enthusiastic and fun to watch. The more girls you see, the more it becomes clear that the lexicon for the inexperienced is subtly different than others. The new girls ask "You like that?" while the veteran stars assert "You like that." I like it both ways just fine, frankly.

By the time you get through all the girls, Kagney Linn Karter looks like a master fuck-artist. Sure, she hasn't yet been in 100 movies, but she exudes as much confidence as any professional. Watching Tom fuck her on his gaudy, gold bed is just like watching him fuck…anyone really. I actually didn't find her scene that remarkable. I will say that Kagney is more comfortable having her face seasoned than the other girls are.

To my knowledge, there's no boot camp for pornstars, so it's fascinating that Tom Byron would create a series that calls itself neither amateur nor superstar. Each of the girls has something unique to offer, and if you could combine them, it would create the ultimate porn actress. Since you can't, consider "Unseasoned Players" a long montage that will lead each girl to glory.

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One of Pink Visual's superpowers is making viewers suspend their disbelief just enough to accept that any of these Florida beach resort pickups actually happened.

There's the creepy date-rapey dialogue, the spectre of alcohol-related decision-making, and the casting of people who probably drew on a wealth of personal experience. But we assure you that all these folks knew they were making a porn movie, signed off beforehand, and were paid. Probably not enough to ever compensate for that white dude with the cornrows, but they were paid.

This is a guilty pleasure of a movie with just enough talking to make you think, "For the love of God, shut up and fuck."

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Big Ass Fixation 5

Studio: Tom Byron Pictures
Director: Tom Byron
Cast: Phoenix Marie, Katja Kassin, Kelly Divine, Lux May, Vannah Sterling, Christian XXX, Tom Byron, Sean Michaels

At what point does an ass become a Big Ass? We're used to seeing asses of considerable size in porn—as far as I know, the pancake butt niche has yet to catch on—so there must be some quality that separates the ass from the Big Ass. For me, what makes a Big Ass can be split up into different ideas.

First, the Big Ass moves independently of the rest of the body. For example, while Kelly Divine is deepthroating Sean Michaels, her rear end is wiggling around with no particular rhythm or reason. Sean grabs the ass, sure thing, but it provides zero stability and control during sex.

Second, the Big Ass dominates your vision. Katja Kassin's butt is so rotund that it eclipses the rest of her body in some shots. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, Katja Kassin is beautiful, but have you ever seen a girl play peek-a-boo using her own ass? Phenomenal.

Vannah Sterling's ass also demonstrates visually exciting properties. Vannah and Tom have worked up a comfortable professional rapport, and so Tom seems to go a little slap happy on the cheeks. Not only is the rough play exciting, but as the bright red handprints show up, you realize that it would take loads of spanking to fully redden the bountiful bottom of this babe.

Last, and most importantly, the Big Ass comes with a Big Ass Attitude. Tom Byron—charming as always—keeps the conversation light and the girls laughing, and they respond with wit and charm. Phoenix Marie talks and jokes throughout her whole scene with Christian, and when he slips his dick into her ass, she lets you know: "Motherfucker! Did he even put lube in there? No. Spit? He fucking just dry-dicked my asshole. Motherfucker."

Lux May also keeps it real with Christian. Not only does she really get into being eaten out, but she brings it up again just before she sucks his cock: "I want you to like this because you, like, ate me out really good." It just feels so genuine and earnest that you can't help but get a boner.

On the downside, that one scene with Phoenix was the only bit of anal in the movie, and that was a bit of a bummer. Yet it would be silly to say that "Big Ass Fixation 5" needs more anal action to be worthwhile. It's not just about having a Big Ass, it's about being a down-ass bitch; these women love it when the sex is good, poke fun when the guys are just fucking around, and generally call it as they see it. As Ja Rule always said, every thug needs a down-ass bitch.

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*****

Previously: Tom Byron Wrestles With His Demons In "Big Ass Fixation 5"

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Popsicle Play

Studio: Abigail Williams Productions
Director: O. Cohen
Cast: Samantha Ryan, Nika Noir, Ava Rose, Nikki Rhodes, Jayden James, Ann Marie Rios

This movie is wet in the best possible way. The first scene has Nika Noir and Samantha Ryan work each other to a slow, screaming lather. They get wet, I get wet (which really isn't supposed to happen, I'm a guy), and it's literally raining on them the entire time. Sadly, a popsicle is missing from this scene, but there was a delightful, popsicle-colored vibrator in use.

Actually, the absence of popsicles was a bit concerning at times. Certain scenes—like Nika and Samantha's—could've used one, especially when the cover shows an intimate moment between the girls involving a Cherry Pineapple Big Stick. Ann Marie Rios has the only solo work in the film, and she is also missing a frozen treat. Then again, what she lacks in sugar, she more than makes up with seething. She masturbates like a schizophrenic, half-laughing/half-crying to the point of blazing orgasm.

On the other hand, I'm happy the popsicles were few. It makes them exciting! Jayden James and Nikki Rhodes start off their scene with some intense snack time: holding a Firecracker in her teeth, Jayden colors Nikki's nipples red. Then the girls double-team-deepthroat the ice lolly down to the stick. Have you ever wished your penis were a popsicle? You will.

But it's important to remember that the popsicle isn't a surrogate penis, and you shouldn't be projecting yourself onto unhealthy snacks. For one, you could never have intercourse because sugar is bad for the vagina and is prone to cause yeast infections (The More You Know!). Besides, remember what Belladonna taught us?

Second, it's ok to identify with girls in porn, even lesbian porn; accept your desire for both the active and passive roles! Really, when you're watching Darryl Hannah mouthfuck Ava Rose with a popsicle, and the camera is so close that you can read the joke off the stick, you'd be silly if you didn't want to be one of the girls.

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Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes 4

Studio: JM Productions
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Tanner Mayes, Johnny Thrust, Porno Dan, Lacey Lane, Dana DeArmond, Brooke Scott, Ashley Blue, Sophie Dee

Review by: Gram Ponante

Tanner Mayes takes up the entirety of "Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes 4" in a daylong meltdown on the set of "Lesbian Bukkake 15." To tell you the truth, I didn't even watch the bukkake, as outtakes on Jim Powers movies are infinitely more compelling and disturbing.

But is it sexy? What's amazing is that the pixieish Mayes is naked throughout the movie, running this way and that, sprawling, crying, trashing offices, topless, spreading her labia (to exhibit some chafing for the camera), and cussing out production staff and other performers. It's like "Let It Be" if the Beatles were a talented but doomed bukkake band from Chatsworth.

And, while I'm sure there are people who can jerk off to anything (and God Bless You, Fleshbot readers), this is more of a companion piece to "Naked States" in its surprising non-sexuality.

While there are incidental shots of sex, the movie is a documentary better than anything a basic cable sweeps week porn expose could contrive, or any "Family Business" or "Real Sex" put together.

The beautiful Mayes had been out partying the night before until at least 2 a.m. She was three hours late for today's shoot. She reveals that last night she skipped out on a cab fare, passed out in her apartment, naked, and was revived by police, whom she scratched. That is what the crew would be dealing with.

A BTS cameraperson follows her throughout the day, and at one point tells her that "you are my only job." Mayes squats over the performer Lacey Lane in order to come in the latter's face, but Lane notices red marks on Mayes' thighs. Mayes storms out of the room, the first of several threats to quit.

What Lane can be forgiven to have assumed was a staph infection Mayes says is chafing from short underwear. "Like when you're on a water ride." Mayes escalates the more anyone tries to calm her down, and the viewer is left with the feeling that if Mayes isn't heavily medicated, she should be.

And we watch this because it is as titillating and empty as porn is.

By and large, there isn't too big of a pay gap for women in porn. Sasha Grey might pick up a hefty check, but even that is not an order of magnitude greater than what an unknown newcomer might get in a bukkake. What I'm saying is that money doesn't seem to be the reason why Jim Powers has such a huge archive of meltdowns documented in this series and on the Behind the Scenes segments of his other movies.

Instead, it seems to be the nature of his sets and the volatility of the cast. There is also something about the fact that everything that is documented can and will be sold, so that people who are unburdened with a sense of shame have no motivation to not control themselves when they sense a freakout coming.

In bonus scenes there are less spectacular but just as grim encounters with Sophie Dee and the zaftig, cum-drunk Brooke Scott.

The only things missing from this movie are physical violence, a drug overdose, and police intervention. Otherwise "Porn's Most Outrageous Outtakes 4" is a perfect accounting of why you should leave porn to the professionals.

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The busty 26-year-old is not a huge star. She is not a particularly dirty talker. She is neither a girl next door nor a machine-crafted, tattooed and wizened piece of sex jerky. She doesn't seem to be a partier or someone too concerned that you think her smart, but she's not dumb. She knows she's sexy but won't hold it against you.

All the above seems apparent in the way porn is a blank slate for viewers to, er, projeculate on.

"I Love Sara Stone" is a compilation of 10 scenes that have only the zaftig charms of Stone in common, several that feature her trademark two-fisted, two-breasted cockgrasp. Of particular interest are her scenes with Lee Stone and Mr. Pete.

Lee Stone (no relation) is a guy who looks like Thing from "The Fantastic Four." He retired (mostly) to Florida this year. Due to his hugeness, Mr. Stone was often paired with tiny women that he would spin around to do a signature standing 69 upon.

But not with Sara Stone. It is like Lee is grateful to not have to do this party trick with Sara, who is superabsorbent.

And then there's Mr. Pete who, with Steve Holmes, is among Porn's Most Grateful dudes. Mr. Pete cannot get enough of Sara Stone.

Will Steven Soderbergh cast Stone in his next off-movie? No. Will Stone show up on the cover of Playboy? No. But she lights up the room, and that's why I love the delightful Sara Stone.

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'70s Show: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: Lee Roy Myers
Cast: Brooke Banner, Ashlynn Brooke, Missy Stone, Rachel Love, Kaci Starr, Patrick J. Knight, Anthony Rosano, Ralph Long, Justin Magnum, Bo Banner, Ethan Cage, Steve Smith, Pike Nelson

When we first announced "'70s Show" on this site, there was quite a hubbub about casting choices, hair color, and overall attention to the original. In response to the commotion:
Yes, Brooke Banner makes an excellent Donna. And Rachel Love does an outstanding Kitty Foreman.
No, the wigs aren't perfect, but the hair color is pretty accurate.
Yes, Bob and Midge really should've been in this.

Honestly, the one thing that tweaked my obsessive side was the pubic hair. It was (a FOX network tribute to) the '70s! As a young lad, I totally had a crush on Donna, but would've gladly gone out with Jackie, and was down to fool around with Laurie. Naturally, a critical part of the whole four-way fantasy was pubic hair: big, scruffy, retro bushes. Do you think I got retro bushes? Of course not. Next thing I know, someone will tell me Charlie's Angels were all shaved, too.

Gripes aside, "'70s Show" offers genuine giggles. The story revolves around a Led Zeppelin concert the whole gang attends. Eric (Patrick J. Knight) and Donna try to go backstage to see the band, but only Donna is allowed in. Sadly, it's all a trick. Donna thinks she's blowing three security guards so she can meet Robert Plant, but really she's just slobbing on the cleaning crew. Meanwhile, Fez (Pike Nelson) and Kelso (Anthony Rosano) dress up like rock stars in order to trick groupies into sleeping with them. For no reason, Eric's sister Laurie (Ashlynn Brooke) shows up to do laundry and fuck Kelso.

Although Missy Stone may not look exactly like Mila Kunis, she has the voice down perfectly. Better yet, she throws out brilliant one-liners during her scene with Ralph Long (as the sideburned Hyde): "I can't believe I'm messing up my hair for you!" Best of all, she's Missy Stone, and she's unbelievably hot. No surprises there.

Being attracted to Rachel Love as Kitty? That was a surprise. There's something magical about watching Red's Korean War veteran angst come bubbling to the surface as he fucks his wife with a grimace. Like any man would, he comes early and walks off to grab a sandwich. While he's gone, Hyde comes in, shrugs, and helps Kitty finish.

When the funny is on, it's really on, and it blurs the line between accuracy and arousal. Hyde is a notorious mooch, so it seems natural for him to swoop up the sloppy seconds that Red leaves lying on the couch. When the gang is smoking pot in the basement, the camera pans from stoned face to gaping jaw. There's even a theme song that bears a striking resemblance to the original! Lee Roy Myers nailed it. The attention to detail warms the heart of the most nitpicky fan. Even I'm willing to forgive their trespasses against pubic hair.

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You're Nailin Palin: Interactive Adventures of a Hockey MILF

Studio: Hustler Video
Director: Axel Braun
Cast: Lisa Ann, Alexis Texas, Jay Lassiter, Chris Charming

In the Venn diagram of life, this movie represents the overlapping glory of Lisa Ann's strengths: she's done Sarah Palin, and she's done interactive porn. Have you done either of these things? If not, this will be a learning process. To begin with, thank your stunt-penises, Jay Lassiter and Chris Charming, for representing you so aptly.

You materialize in Governor Palin's office, where she promptly asks if you would like her to take her clothes off. If you say yes, she will. If you say no, angry red and black letters will inform you: YOU ARE NOT A MAVERICK!!! It's not as if you have total control. Try as I might, I couldn't get Sarah to put her clothing back on. I couldn't un-fuck her. Interactive porn is less like playing God and more like playing Cyrano de Bergerac: you forever strive to get laid.

And laid you get. You progress through the event tiers-teasing, masturbation, foreplay, oral, vaginal, anal-picking and choosing your favorite positions, until you finally give your stunt-penis license to cum. Once you're done with Sarah, Miss California (played by Alexis Texas) pays a visit to conduct an experiment "on the evils of homosexuality." Oh, satire! Thy name is lesbian scene.

In the Behind the Scenes footage, Alexis admits she doesn't know why she's playing Carrie Prejean, but that does not detract from her performance. Research be damned, Alexis fits in perfectly into the symphony your penis is conducting, joke and stroke. And just in case you forget which state representative you're pounding, she keeps the sash on.

Somehow, I feel that the interactivity helps the parody. Acting is reacting, and when it's just you and the jokes (and the sex), you can guffaw or groan or masturbate however you like. Overall, the humor suits Sarah. It's not that difficult to imagine the almost-VP launching dirty commands between pun-heavy innuendos. Personal favorite: when you're about to do her doggie-style, she says, "Why don't you fuck me like a sled dog so I can say I-did-your-rod?"

Of course, we can't forget to thank Lisa Ann. Her comfort in this role is apparent, and her embellishments are magical. After you share some particularly raucous cowgirl anal, Lisa Ann will smile and adjust her glasses ever so slightly. You will filibust a nut.

Why am I so into this? I don't know, but I'm positive I'm not the only one. It's been nearly a year since the election, and everyone is still just as excited by the idea of boning Sarah Palin. She's America's MILF. Years from now, future civilizations will unearth this ancient porno and realize they've discovered one of the sacred texts that make up the Cult of Palin.

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The Dark Side of Marco Banderas 3

Studio: Mercenary
Director: Marco Banderas
Cast: Marco Banderas, Lexington Steele, Annette Schwarz, Jada Fire, Pinky, Sienna West, Mya Luanna, Alanah Rae, Diana Doll, Rebeca Linares

Not only is Marco Banderas one of the nicest guys in porn, but he also has great teeth. So his "Dark Side" movies give the false impression that, because the sex is nasty, its perpetrators are, too.

But Banderas, like cohort Lexington Steele and a few others (Steve Holmes comes to mind) really comes across Annette Schwarz's face as grateful rather than "dark" in this series of vignettes featuring things like a dream sequence with Rebeca Linares and Alanah Rae (you see, they're selling cookies) and a glorious romp with Annette Schwarz in which the German uberfrau seems to inhale Banderas.

Then there are scenes with the unabashedly bootylicious Pinky and the exquisite Jada Fire as well as zaftig landmadel Katja Kassin and Mya Luanna, who answer the door to find Banderas in a towel speaking Spanish. It almost seems like a couples' movie if there weren't so much assfucking.

(NB: Plenty of couples I know assfuck on a regular basis, but they don't watch porn.)

Banderas seems genuinely happy to be amongst this bevy of hippy hotties, and there is no dark side evident whatsoever. So you'll have to oblige the title even if there's never a dark moment.

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Bree Exposed

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Bree Olson, Ava Rose, Jenny Hendrix, Missy Stone, Charlie Laine, Danny Mountain, Anthony Rosano, Tommy Gunn, Mick Blue

Bree Olson only appears in two scenes! I know I'm being greedy, but I was hoping for more. Naturally, the quality of her scenes more than makes up for the quantity, as Bree is a powerful force in her respective segments with Anthony Rosano and Tommy Gunn.

Since Anthony has the first scene, you'd expect him to set the pace for the rest of the actors. While his unchained fucking certainly typifies the wild tone of the film, I wouldn't designate him the golden standard of "Bree Exposed." Mr. Rosano gets very, very sweaty. Like, just-got-caught-in-a-monsoon sweaty. Also, he finishes by jacking off on Bree's feet and I wasn't prepared for it. Maybe that's a good thing?

The following four scenes are also wet and surprising, but in different ways. Mick Blue brings Missy Stone to squirt before embarking on a long anal engagement. Then there's a lesbian intermission with Ava Rose and Charlie Laine involving a rather ornate but uncomfortable-looking chair. Next, Bree seduces Tommy with an oh-so sensuous booty dance. Finally, Jenny Hendrix and Danny Mountain use the only bed in the movie for some very intense reverse cowgirl action.

As hot as all of the performers are, I felt the sound was the sexiest part of the movie. One moment you're listening to Bree describe the prodigious veins of Tommy's cock (prodigious, by the way), and the next, you're eavesdropping on the whispers between Jenny and Danny. It really says something when you can enjoy a porno with your eyes closed.

The only thing that soured my audio love affair was the ambient music. Before every scene you're treated to either an Enya techno remix or Gregorian chant-break beats. A minor concern, but it causes me to wonder what overall feel Andre Madness wanted to impart.

The straight story is this: there are five hot scenes that stand out strong against any environmental oddities that may exist. With every new scene, you can feel yourself getting excited, impatient, and just generally happy to see the performers. It's that Christmas-morning feeling that can't be faked, and it comes from the talent and enthusiasm of the actors.

And that's why I want to see more of Bree Olson: you can stare at her for hours and it won't damage your retinas.

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Cummin' At You 3D

Studio: Tommy Gunn Entertainment
Director: Tommy Gunn
Cast: Tommy Gunn, Sindee Jennings, Riley Evans, Tony DeSergio

Review by: Gram Ponante

Were this movie not 3D, it would still be an excellent interactive couples' title. The story is simple: Sindee Jennings wants to audition for producer Tommy Gunn's porn movie and, of course, she needs to be put through her paces. Along the way she is also tried out by Tony DeSergio and Riley Evans. (Almost) needless to say, she is rode hard and put away wet, as Ms. Jennings is a copious squirter.

But with 50 percent of the cast being Playgirl-friendly dudes, the interactive elements of "Cummin At You" leave plenty of room to see the guys from the females' point of view. To his credit, ladies, Tommy Gunn looks soulfully into your/Sindee Jennings's eyes as he eats you/Sindee Jennings out.

But what is truly revolutionary about this movie (which producers Gunn and Marcus London call a "preview of something even bigger") is that, either with the new breed of 3D-ready HDTVs or with the attached red/blue 3D glasses ("Or you can use the same glasses from the matinee of 'Up,'" Gunn said), you can experience the performers cumming—with whatever substance they have at their arousal—at you.

It's like "A Bug's Life 3D" at California Adventure except with the long-raging argument about whether female ejaculation is real or just urine.

I have had the opportunity ("pleasure" just isn't the most appropriate word) of Sindee Jennings squirting in my face in real life. But the virtual version is really cool. Not only that, but viewers get the illusion of the performers' ankles resting on their shoulders.

3D in mainstream movies is like parodies are to porn; some seem gimmicky and some exploit the genre in a suitable way. But 3D in porn just seems like the right way to go.

And it's worth mentioning that Gunn and company could have gotten this wrong in so many simple, porny ways, but they didn't.

"We knew we had to get Sindee," Gunn said.

Exactly. Because 3D is not about subtlety.

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A Real Swinger's Orgy

Studio: Private
Director: Kink.com
Starring: Peter Acworth, Princess Donna, Mr. Big, Maestro, Bella Rossi, Sarah Shevon, Sindee Jennings, Annie Cruz, Chery Torn, Catrina Cummings, Lilla Katt, Hollie Stevens, Savannah West, Amber Keen, Mason, Mark Davis, Mr. Pete, Derrick Pierce, John Strong, Mister Torn, Ed Vincent, Curt Wooster, Dean Strong, Trina Cox, Ryker, Danger Girl, Amber Rayne

Review by: Gram Ponante

Peter Acworth has a problem. He has impulsively made a promise to a very big client that he will film an epic swinger orgy at the massive Armory Building in San Francisco, which he happens to own as president of Kink.com.

Once he gets the go-ahead to begin shooting, he must then populate the event and dress the room, two things that anyone who knows Peter Acworth also knows he will have no problem doing. But, for purposes of this delightful, documentary-style porn Kink.com made in association with Private, we watch the British Acworth get all Hugh Grant nebbishy and tie himself into knots as the big day gets closer.

He approaches the always interesting Princess Donna in a bar. Here she plays a forgotten trophy wife. In a line that I will use shamelessly, he says, "If you are short of something to do, you should come to my sex party."

Various storylines unfold: a "Pina Colada"-style "I didn't know that you liked sex in public" misunderstanding between Mark Davis and his doctor (both show up at the Armory at the same time), a husband who thinks his wife is a prude, even though she looks exactly like Princess Donna, and a hapless cameraman whose real dream is to be in front of the camera, you know, fucking (when put to the test, he can't unload in time but, unlike in most porn, this fellow has a story arc).

Kink.com, which is known for hardcore fetish sites like Ultimate Surrender, Wired Pussy, and Men In Pain, is no stranger to suspension—as in naked girls dangling from ropes—but this is suspension of disbelief. We gladly check our cynicism at the door as the movie asks us to forget things we already know but then charmingly ties everything back together.

Orgy Day comes and the Armory looks great. A group of naked porn stars arrive, such as Sindee Jennings, Annie Cruz (rarely seen in Porn Valley anymore—it's good to know where she's been hiding), the adorable Sarah Shevon, beautiful, lush redheads Bella Rossi and Cherry Torn, and reliable porn dudes Mr. Pete and Derrick Pierce, all of them there to get the party started.

And that is what the final 80 percent of "A Real Swinger's Orgy" is: fucking, mixed with unobtrusive but satisfying plot resolutions.

Mark Davis, veteran woodsman that he is, cannot resist giving directions in a manner that would get a younger man kicked out of bed. Acworth, ever the fidgety host, flits here and there with seltzer bottles and drink orders, Sindee Jennings can be heard shrieking across the room, soaking all that nice antique furniture. At one point Mr. Pete is servicing Shevon ("Don't fuck me back or I'll come") when he hears Jennings caterwaul across the room and he shoots her a dirty look.

If this movie had been made 300 miles south in Los Angeles, the lights would have been too bright and the checks could not have been cashed fast enough. But we really are convinced that "A Real Swinger's Orgy" is the real deal, even with a little help from the pros.

So if you're not short of something to do, you should really watch this sex party.

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"Pure"

Studio: Evil Angel
Director: David Aaron Clark
Cast: Asa Akira, Keni Styles, Jessica Bangkok, Lana Violet, Destiny, Mr. Marcus, Jake Malone, Valentino

Review by: Gram Ponante

David Aaron Clark's first movie for Evil Angel is an exquisite piece of pornography. Based on the true story of Sada Abe, "Pure" updates the subject matter of 1976's "In the Realm of the Senses" to contemporary Los Angeles where, instead of working as a maid in a 1930's Tokyo hotel, Sada is the receptionist at Asian-run BDSM dungeon Realm.

Sada and Kichi soon grow fond of one another and have the sort of sex-filled honeymoon one might want performers in a porn movie to have. But Sada is a little obsessive and Kichi is a little fickle; there is potential poverty involved if he doesn't go back to his wife, and Sada believes her and Kichi's relationship is finite.

Back at the Realm we meet the dommes, played by Lana Violet, Jessica Bangkok, and Destiny. Each to her credit has her own thing going on, and we are able to view them as separate characters. Still, they seem to have Mr. Marcus caged 24/7, playing a rapper who is guilty about his success.

Styles is an up and coming British Asian porn star, which is doubly rare. Added to this exclusivity is the fact that he is an excellent actor. His presence—despite what happens—might make "Pure" Clark's first ever couples'-friendly movie.

But Clark never bogarts the creeps. In "Pure" there are two old-tymey porn staples in the persons of the reptilian businessman Pasquale (Valentino) and Sada's former professor, played by Jake Malone. Malone, in exchange for Sada's services, provides a cash infusion so that Sada and Kicki can continue playing house.

"Pure" is a very slow burn, and seems to get more compelling, sexy, and visually beautiful toward the end, with earlier scenes seeming ponderous. That said, in addition to just about everything in the movie being a niche or a fetish (leather nuns, asphyxiation, interracial sex, blowjobs while smoking, British Asian guys), "Pure" is the rare porn movie that makes us empathize with the characters.

Equal billing in "Pure" should go to the city of Los Angeles, particularly the corridor from downtown and Chinatown to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. There is not a pool or palm tree in sight in this movie, as if the city got its junk cut off, too.

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My Sexy Life

Studio: Muffia
Director: Phoenix Marie
Cast: Phoenix Marie, Andi Anderson, Eric Swiss, Angelina Valentine, Carmella Bing, Francesca Le, Tori Black, Adriana Nicole

A lot of porn seems DIY in a bad way, as if a lack of skill was masquerading as an aesthetic. But this movie, which is just a camera and a bunch of hot, raspy, incorrigible women who would be doing this even if they weren't getting paid (though the tits suggest they are) really makes "My Sexy Life" a boner-inducing trainwreck of a home movie.

It's the night after a big party (we're told this, and we believe it) and Phoenix Marie wants to recreate something on a cold morning that worked so well the night before, you know, when everyone was wasted. The delicious Andi Anderson strips down to a bikini and attempts a run at a Slip-n-Slide. It doesn't really work, but she looks good doing it.

Marie and Anderson are pretty much screaming at each other like any loud girls who know they're sexy. We wonder if the whole movie will be like this, and think: "I could stand this for maybe one full day. But I would stand the fuck out of it."

Phoenix takes us on a guided tour of her life, and we meet all her sexy friends (Adriana Nicole, Francesca Le, Tori Black, Angelina Valentine, Carmella Bing) in various semi-staged outings at the AVN convention, a soccer field, a dildo store, and on a trampoline.

While we are happy Phoenix Marie took us along, ultimately we wished someone else had been holding the camera. Shots are blurry or too fast; not careful enough to get a good look at the star. It is as if she thought her friends deserved all the attention in her own movie.

If there had been a B-roll of this movie, which there wasn't, it would have been great. As it is, we wanted more of a perspective on Phoenix Marie's "Sexy Life."

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Not Monday Night Football XXX

Studio: XPlay
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Angelina Armani, Lela Star, Sarah Vandella, Layla Rivera, Jaelyn Fox, Jessica Bangkok, Britney Stevens, Ashlyn Rae, Alyssa Reece, Topanga Fox, Ally Ann, Yurizan Beltran, Amia Miley, Tatum Pierce, Delila Darling, Cindy Jones, Mai Ly, Sophie Dee, Laci Laine, Rick Madrid, Billy Goodrich, Lee Bang, Evan Stone, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons, Eric John, Kris Slater

It's one thing to parody a sitcom, but parodying an American institution like Monday Night Football requires both a solid sense of humor as well as serious focus on fucking. The challenge for XPlay is even greater with this parody because there are no protagonists to ground the plot, and no classic conflicts to spice up with sex. As a result, "Not Monday Night Football XXX" features an amalgamation of sportscasting legends doing what makes them memorable.

Rick Madrid plays the staccato-voiced Howard Cosell, who commands the preview show that the film is based around. He is joined by John Madden, played by Billy Goodrich, who spends time with fans, draws on the telestrator, and pimps tough-actin' Tinactin.

True to life, celebrities stop by to plug their latest projects/remind us of their scandals. OJ Simpson has his future read (keep in mind this is the 80s OJ), causing the fortune teller to flee the scene. Bill Cosby (manned by the same Thomas Ward who starred in "Not The Cosbys XXX") shows up as well, followed by a furious Laci Laine who demands Cosby leave his wife for her.

Although these allusions provide amusing intermissions from sex, they feel more like piecemeal potshots and less like parodies of the events they reference. Poking fun at the gimmicky, self-serving habits of a major network is clever, but without a strong, over-arching plot to center the jokes, the parody becomes a gimmick itself.

And like most parody porn, there's a clear distinction between the amusing and the arousing. There was one instance of Madden using the telestrator to discuss his favorite things about Angelina Armani (boobs, eyes, long, flowing hair), but it would've been doubly as funny to see him narrate an instant replay, telestrating the path of Eric John's cock as four cheerleaders tackle him in the locker room. Perhaps a "BAM!" or two would've been appropriate.

But there really isn't much to complain about. The simple fact that seventeen girls cram into five separate scenes is a daunting feat. With such an enormous cast, one might wonder how parody prince Will Ryder manages to coach this dreamteam to glory.

The answer? Teamwork: four gals for every gent, and no one hits the sidelines when the action is on. There's no showboating, no ball hogging, and the fans go wild for every play (seriously, there's non-stop cheering). Also, since every sex scene features a POV moment, viewers at home get to feel like they're part of the team! The sportsmanship is simply awe-inspiring.

Of course, there are a few star players. Evan Stone and Angelina Armani have the only one-on-one scene as the legendary quarterback Manhattan Joe and some floozy. He helps her get her foot in the door as a sideline reporter, so she helps him get his cock in her mouth.

"Well if I'm gonna taste your cock," she says, "I want you to taste my pussy." See? Teamwork.

Also exciting is the fact that Yurizan Beltran has her first non-solo scene. Yurizan, Lela Star, Mai Ly, and Alyssa Reece get bored watching the game at home, so they decide to ditch the remote and grab the vibrators. Even though it's her first time, Yurizan gives it 110% and really goes deep. I sincerely hope she continues this sociable trend.

The general mindset for parody pornographers seems to be "What if this show had hardcore sex in it?" Unfortunately, the finished product presents the question "What if this hardcore sex had jokes near it?" And while it's smart to unite the eternally homosocial institutions of pornography and sports, it's important to make sure they play together well. Perhaps "Not Monday Night Football XXX" could've used a couple more scrimmages before hitting the field.

And now I'm out of football puns.

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Not surprisingly, April's life is not like the day-to-day grind we all face: not once during the two hour run of "Glamazons" does April, say, go to an office, or clean her bathroom. No, April's life is the stuff of glitter-filled fantasies. Strutting around in her impossibly high heels, the lovely lady serves as a muse to many an admirer, and we watch as she's captured on film, in paintings, and in Polaroid; as her team of fellow glamazons defy death as they contort their bodies on the stripper pole; as she seductively dons sexy outfit after sexy outfit; and, of course, as she fucks.

And oh, does she fuck: we watch her tangling limbs with the lovely Ruby Violence (who also has her own masturbation scene) and enveloping Jerry as he takes her picture; we even watch her have her way with Barbie in a segment titled "April Vs. Doll That Symbolizes Unrealistic Ideas Of Beauty" (spoiler alert: April wins).

April fans will no doubt be satisfied by another stunning performance; Carlos Batts fans will gaze in awe at the arty feel of this glimpse into the life of an artporn power couple. And we can all appreciate another beautiful film that test the limits of what a porn film should be, shattering the standard format and creating something truly magical.

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