jessica drake is Zoe as today's Wicked Girl on a mission in "Kissing Girls," in which the long-leggedy pornstress lets us know (in standard-issue voiceover form) that this will be her year to climb the corporate ladder, make the world a better place, and find her soulmate. (As this line cuts to her trysting with Eric Masterson, we can assume that he is not it, else the movie would be very short.)

"He understood my passions and dealt with my neuroses," she says of him. But when he tells her to hurry because his wife will be home soon, she knows it isn't to be. We know that the movie will be about dipping her toe in the world of women.

Like Hustler is hitting a groove with (or at least spending a lot of time on) its "parody" movies, Wicked is co-opting mainstream successes and making them a little more porny. "Kissing Girls" is, obviously, Wicked's "Kissing Jessica Stein."

Frustrated with men, Zoe answers a personal ad. From a girl. At first she is hesitant, but when a montage sequence reveals that alll men are crazy, she reconsiders."Besides," she says, "aren't all women lesbians these days? Bisexual? Swingers? Isn't that all the rage?"

All the rage in Hell, maybe.

Anyway, drake bites the bullet and meets Moonbeam (Dana DeArmond), and they hit it off on Wicked's muted pastel restaurant set. And they have so much in common! They're both Scorpios, they like to drive, and neither likes labels! But they do like labia.

Moonbeam tells Zoe about first finding a woman attractive, when she caught her babysitter (Scarlett Fay) having sex with her 40-year-old boyfriend. Luckily, we don't see 12-year-old Moonbeam peaking around the curtains. We're also proud of ourselves that we guessed how another sex scene would be shoehorned in before Zoe and Moonbeam's inevitable coupling.

drake and DeArmond at first seem an unlikely porn pair, but DeArmond handles the transition from gaping and choking to couples'-friendly lesbo scene with aplomb, and even inspires the best ad-lib of the movie when drake says, "If I had a cock you'd be in trouble."

I've said it before and I say it again: it's great jessica drake does not have a cock.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Kissing Girls
Studio: Wicked
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: jessica drake, Dana DeArmond, Scarlett Fay, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade, Eric Masterson, Barry Scott, August

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Kissing Girls" (gamelink.com)

• This year's Olympics are so much funto watch! So when do they start playing again?
• Every time we think she's out, Jenna pulls us back in.
• This sex toy is so futuristic, you've already had three orgasms next week.
• Isn't it always nice to find out when people really are who (other) people say they are?

• This one's for the ladies who love other ladies.
• Meanwhile ... you mean to tell us there are guys attached to those things?
• Unlike your previous trip(s) to college, this time you might actually learn something useful.
• It's looks like this baseball season is finally starting to get interesting.
• Remember, don't call us at home this weekend. We'll be a little tied up.
• We love a good happy ending.

Thankfully, Nina Hartley is here to offer her assistance, in the form of "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex." With the help of bondage model and expert Claire Adams, Nina walks bondage beginners through all the basics of getting down and dirty while bound ... and throws in some super hot sex scenes by way of illustration.

Depending on your expectations, your enjoyment of the film may vary. For one thing, this is definitely some education with a side of porn and not the other way around: the film goes a full half hour without anyone getting naked, and the sex scenes themselves are heavily laced with instruction and tips.

Additionally, the film focuses on women tying up women and men tying up women, without a single bound man in sight. Yes, there are elements of bondage that are universal, and the film offers helpful insights for anyone looking to get bound and gagged. But if you're hoping for, say, some serious cock and ball torture action, this isn't the flick for you.

Nerds that we are, we still enjoyed learning the ins and outs of bondage sex—like what positions are best, how to tie a good knot, and all the fun little bondage gadgets. But we'd still recommend viewing this video when you're in a learning mood, not a fapping mood. You're bound to get something good out of watching the video, but it just might not be until after you've watched it, when you're putting Nina's lessons to good use.

• "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex" (adameve.com)
• Order: "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex" (Adult DVD Empire)

· We're so excited for the Olympics we've decided to have our own private "pole vault" competition.
· We know you're upset about Playgirl, but that's no reason to go off half-cocked.
· Compared to Kayden Kross, let's face it—you're just lazy.
· Funny, those Barely Legal kids don't look a day over 70!
· If you get to spend time with Kylie Ireland, then just quit complaining.

· Who says all pornstars have daddy issues?
· No matter what you think of these girls and their fashion sense, at least their legs are warm.
· Maybe we should throw in a couple of math problems next time and see how long it takes you to solve those.
· Have you heard about the vaginal virgin? Save the "rear entry" jokes, because she has heard those.
· Remember, the tentacles just want to love you. Don't fight it.

· Do you come from a land down under? Because this is probably what you're looking for.
· Seriously, who knew we were so big in Australia? We're almost as well known there as The Veronicas are here!
· So how did you celebrate National Orgasm Day? Oh, of course.
· Whenever Ava Rose is around, we just feel better.
· No, we're not cleaning that up.

· You put your Sir Reginald in my fiddle cove! You put your pudding hatch in my bone daddy! Now we'll never get this sorted out!
· How Russ Meyer never won an Oscar is beyond us.
· We're not sure if this makes any sense, but that's probably why we like it so much.
· Breast: The Other Meat.
· Well, it looks our retirement plans are in order.
· If you think this is weird ...well, it is a tad unusual we guess. But then so is whatever you dreamt about last night.
· Oh boy, does this movie suck. In the good way.
· Remember, all our readers are special. Some are just more special than others.

. . .

"Some say the path we take is guided by Fate or unseen forces," intones Lei in the voiceover, which is immediately reminiscent of the sort of stylish, formulaic, safe, and Skinemax -ready porn Wicked produces so well, or at least so frequently.

How does one become a hooker accidentally? Well, if you looked like Kaylani Lei and you were walking down Hollywood Boulevard dressed to enhance all your Kaylani Leitude whilst absently sucking your soft drink from a straw, it would be within reason for the common passerby to at least hope you were a hooker.

And the passerby would be right, because hooker Lei is en route to an interview about how she became a hooker accidentally. Turns out she met a dude, Marcus (Armstrong), online who wasted no time sampling the goods once they finally met.

"He didn't seem to be an axe murderer or anything," Lei recalled. Waking up alone, Lei was surprised to find $500 by her bedside.

Was she a hooker? Who knows. Marcus invites her to L.A. and at the airport she is greeted by a limousine containing not Marcus but instead a man named Deep Threat.

"Little did I know that it would change my life - " says Lei in the voiceover.

(wait for it)

" - forever."

"I realized I crossed a line," she says.

(wait for it)

" - that could never be uncrossed."

Also:

"I had changed - "

(wait for it)

" - and this was only the beginning."

Lei begins a crazy joyride of sex for money, immersing herself in "the life," in which intimacy, commerce, and hedonism coexist in an uneasy colloidal stew - forever. She fucks other women, rich swains at the opera, guys at the car wash, couples, anything that pays.

Wicked cannot solve this problem, but in the scene with Shyla Stylez and Tommy Gunn as the couple Lei beds, the movie falls victim to something that happens in porn all the time: Stylez looks more like a hooker than the person playing a hooker. It's like the Monty Python "Bicycle Repair Man" sketch, where everyone is a superhero.

But the highs become fewer and farther between.

"Every once in a while you ask yourself, 'What am I doing?'" Lei tells her interviewer.

"Why don't you just stop?" he asks.

"That's easier said than done," she says, blowing cigarette smoke. "You can't just walk away. It's in your blood. It's what you know. It's what you are. No matter how hard you try, you het sucked right back in. You're in for life. And sometimes? That feels like an eternity."

I hand it to Wicked for yet another unflinching look at the world of high-priced call girls this summer, the other being Latina Hollywood Hookers.

But just when you condemn Wicked for padding the script, you realize that all those (or most of those) sodden sentences work up to a twist ending like that Tom Cruise Isn't Gay Enough movie.

Like M. Night Shyamalan projects, the twist endings over the years have yielded diminished returns since The Sixth Sense. But this is porn, so we've got at least ten more years of them. So I'll leave it to you to decide if the twist redeems the movie.

Review by: Gram Ponante

. . .

The Accidental Hooker

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Shyla Stylez, Victoria Sin, Mikayla, Devon Lee, Jennifer Dark, Brad Armstrong, Tommy Gunn, Deep Threat, Niko, Barrett Blade, Derrick Pierce, Marcus London

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "The Accidental Hooker" (gamelink.com)

· In case you haven't heard, Jesse Jane is kinda hot.
· Are we getting sea sick or is that another Pirate ship on the (very distant) horizon?
· Are there any stories from our childhood that haven't been sullied by porn's tender embrace? Just checking, because we want to make sure they all get covered.
· Old madams don't die. Seriously, you can't kill this one.

· Teagan Presley is where the boys aren't. Literally.
· As we always say, even a little sideboob is better than no boob.
· Porn is the purr-fect crime (Sorry.)
· How do you prefer your girls—busting out or just busting up?
· Remember, no cake until you've, uh ... "finished" dinner. You might want that a la mode, too.

So how did it stack up?

With its lifelike bumps and curves (no smiley animal faces here!) and substantial girth, the Boss slid comfortably inside my parts, filling things out quite nicely. But form isn't everything: I reached down to turn the toy on and see how it functioned.

However, all my gripes about the dial faded away once the vibration kicked in. Though it's a battery-powered toy, The Boss comes with more than a bit of kick — and combined with the toy's size, the vibration is definitely enough to let you know who's in charge.

My heart still belongs to some of the fancier, rechargeable vibes; but if you're looking for a toy that has the power to make you swoon and — at a mere $58 — won't break the bank; you might want to let The Boss stop by and show you how its done.

· Buy the The Boss (babeland.com)

· Pornstar sex ... you're doing it wrong.
· Don't think of this as goodbye, Eva Angelina. Think of this as summer reruns until the new season starts.
· So this is why we never get invited to Tera Patrick's parties. (Among many other reasons.)
· Look, we love these girls as much as the next seaman, but we must be careful not to hunt them to extinction.

· We have got to get that new video game.
· Admit it—you're a little jealous of Helen Mirren.
· The Batman will save us! Unless one of these people has a free moment.
· Remember, we know what you like. But please keep telling us, otherwise we'll never figure it out on our own.

· Fuck the police! Especially when they look like Jessica Drake.
· We hated to see them go, but we liked watching them walk away.
· You too can fight censorship, one fap at time.
· HGTV is more than just for people who need decorating help: it's for fans of naked goth girls and gay bondage porn too!
· We give this tune a B plus. It's got a good beat and you can have anal sex to it!

· If Tristan Taormino keeps us with these "Chemistry" experiments, she might create something really dangerous someday. Right now, though, she's just making us horny.
· Remember, all redheads aren't wild and fiery types—just the ones we like.
· Porn sets aren't always the sexy places a lot of people think they are—except in these photos, where they're exactly the sexy places a lot of people think they are.
· Fifteen years in the sex toy business may not sound like much, but it's still quite an achievement. Studies show that's equivalent to over six decades in other retail years.
· And you know what? We think these crazy kids really are gonna be just fine.

So how did it stack up? Our thoughts (and a preview clip) after the jump.

. . .

While hot porn that also educates may be Tristan's signature style, it seems it's not the hallmark of all Vivid-Ed releases. Though there's a lot of good about this release, it falls a little flat when it comes to sheer hotness—ultimately registering as a little more ed than sexy. The performers are hot, and the information is good, but unlike Tristan's previous Expert Guides to blowjobs or anal sex it never quite feels like the kind of educational porn flick you'd want to jack off to. As the information rolls by, there's too much to absorb and take in; it's a little hard to just lie back and get into it when so much is being thrown at you.

But if you're more interested in a video that will guide you through various positions than some hot porn that will happen to teach you a little something along the way, then "Positions" may just be what you're looking for. With short scenes on 18 different positions, and detailed information about the benefits and shortcomings of each, "Positions" leaves no stone untouched. Have a long, thin penis, or a partner who likes shallow penetration? Try the Pancake. Want a girl-on-top position that's easy on the knees? Go with the Froggie.

Though this release wasn't quite what we'd hoped for, we're still happy to see Vivid-Ed working hard to make sex education sexy, or at least provide some helpful information through porn. For a lot of people, porn is already an important (if not their only) source of sex education, so it's good to know that Vivid-Ed is making sure they get some solid information along with their titillation. Now if they'd just put out the "Expert Guide To Gape Rimming," we'd be totally set.

· Vivid-Ed (vivid-ed.com)

· Buy "The Expert Guide To Positions" (adult.dvdempire.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Tristan Taormino Gets Up Close And Personal With The G-Spot (Really!), Tristan Taormino Explains It All For You: "Expert Guide to Oral Sex Part 2", DVD: Tristan Taormino's "Expert Guide To Anal Sex"

In April, 2008 Evil Angel founder and director John Stagliano was indicted on obscenity charges in the type of case that has become familiar to First Amendment watchers who are also porn consumers: several Evil Angel titles, as well as trailers for a Belladonna movie, were obtained in a United States county in which "community standards" seemed rigid enough to bring charges of obscenity. In 2009 the case will likely go to trial.

Notwithstanding (of course) that the titles in question arrived by request of someone over 18 years of age, as they did in dozens of more lenient counties throughout the United States, Stagliano now faces an expensive legal battle in a season that has also seen court cases against the more extreme JM Productions and Max Hardcore.

"Defend Our Porn" is a compilation DVD of scenes from every current Evil Angel director, as well as alumnus Jules Jordan. And it also features a brand new scene with Tricia Devereaux, Stagliano's wife. Proceeds from the 16-scene, 10-hour, 3-DVD box will defray Stagliano's legal bills.

What is remarkable about the Evil Angel case is that, though the company is undeniably hardcore, it is less so, and far more arty, than the year's other porn defendants. A case against Evil Angel bodes ill for more mainstream adult companies.

So, as both a compilation "Best of" DVD and as a statement of rights, "Defend Our Porn" starts with a bang in a scene with the irrepressible Nacho Vidal from "Fashionistas Safado: Berlin". No male performer can hold a candle to Nacho in the talking dirty department. "Why did you come here with underwear?" is one of his gems. Melissa Lauren handles this onslaught with fear and aplomb.

Then veteran director John Leslie presents a scene with Naomi. This scene is reminiscent of mid-90's porn and Naomi is definitely the type of model who embodies that vibe and is beloved of fans of that era. Naomi, I am required to say, has an amazing ass. With it she coaxes a load from James Deen that I expect he is still proud of.

In an outdoor scene from Rocco Siffredi's "Rocco's Way to Love," (I'm hoping this is a translation), Kelly Stafford performs in a headlight-lit gangbang. It reminded me a little of "Rebel Without A Cause" if that movie had ended the way I wanted it to.

"Do you want to see the throat fucking doctor?" a game Sasha Grey is asked in "Face Fucking Inc.," a departure from the grainier previous scenes. What sets this scene apart is the Porn Valley-ness of the proceedings, clothing, and lighting, but Sasha Grey lends the scene star power and makes it memorable. Really, porn is about the people.

Nacho then returns with Avy Scott in a scene that would have been creepy even without the monkey.

Disc Two includes part of Belladonna's return to guys, "Cock Happy," as well as an Eva Angelina gangbang in which the 2008 AVN Best Actress is used most jubilantly. Mia Rose appears in a scene with Manuel Ferrara that establishes her as the anti-Teagan. Unlike the harder-looking or more Euro-style Evil Angel performers, the diminutive Rose is all Porn Valley, but uncharacteristically self-aware.

Disc Three includes a performance by The Unsinkable Sandra Romain (on a spotless beige rug). Belladonna returns deliciously in a scene from Jules Jordan's "Ass Worship," and, in the set's one original outing, Tricia Devereaux comes out of retirement for a clothespinny scene with Derrick Pierce.

"I told you I was in love with my husband," she says.

"That's not what we're talking about, is it?" he says.

Of all the great, blitzkrieg excerpts in "Defend Our Porn", this final segment takes its time and benefits from it. Devereaux was nervous about this scene. She's older, she's put on some weight—all the things that make women uncomfortable, even in (or especially in) porn. But she looks great, of course, and, much as it is a signature pleasure watching all the teenagers flying around on the other discs, to watch grown women Romain, Belladonna, and Devereaux get (and give) the business in Disc Three is a real payoff.

"Defend Our Porn" is a fundraising effort but it is also a loadblowingly good value for all the diverse, quality porn it provides.

Defend Our Porn

Studio: Evil Angel
Director: Belladonna, Christoph Clark, Jules Jordan, Jonni Darkko, Rocco Siffredi, John Leslie, Raul Christian, Jazz Duro, Jay Sin
Cast: Avy Scott, Belladonna, Dana DeArmond, Eva Angelina, Holly Wellin, Jack Venice, James Deen, Jazz Duro, Jules Jordan, Lexington Steele, Manuel Ferrara, Mark Wood, Melissa Lauren, Mia Rose, Mick Blue, Nacho Vidal, Naomi, Nikki Jayne, Rocco Siffredi, Sandra Romain, Sasha Grey, Tricia Devereaux, Derrick Pierce

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Defend Our Porn (defendourporn.org)
· Buy "Defend Our Porn" (gamelink.com)

Well, for starters, declaring it to be "The Orgy Edition" certainly doesn't hurt. Nor does kicking off the action with some poolside lovin'. Long before Tristan's even had a chance to explain the house rules, Penny Flame and Evan Stone are already getting to know each other better. In our book, that's a pretty promising beginning ...

And even after the action moves inside, "Chemistry 4" continues to deliver. As you might expect, there's a lot of group sex in this flick: over the course of several hours, the cast breaks apart and recombines into twosomes, threesomes, foursomes, and, yes, orgies (sorry, we have a house ban on the word "moresome"). And just how hot do things get? Check out the following clip:

Overall, "Chemistry 4" is a steamy selection of cinema, but it's certainly not without its flaws. Though most of the porn star confessionals help heighten the movie's intensity, there are a few that take away from the experience. Sometimes, actions are just louder than words, particularly when you're in the middle of watching a seriously hot fuck session.

But overall, Tristan Taormino has proved time and time again that she has a knack for getting hot performances from hot performers—and "Chemistry 4" doesn't disappoint. We're already looking forward to "Chemistry 5", and we can't give the series a higher compliment than that.

· Buy "Chemistry Vol. 4" (adultdvdempire.com)
· Vivid (vivid.com)

* * * * *

Previously: "Chemistry 4" Proves More Is Merrier

· Anyone want to help us produce and cast "Not The XXX Facts Of Life"? (We can dream, can't we?)
· Here at Fleshbot, everyone has a valid point of view. Even punks.
· We saw the future, and it looks like a giant penis with legs.

· Roxy Jezel may exist in another time and place, but we would still like to visit.
· Remember: if you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter!
· Actually we enjoyed lots of classic sports moments this week—as far as we're concerned, there's no such thing as an off season!

· Swingers really do make the world a happier place.
· We used to have a "Fuck Truck" of our own, but of course it got rear-ended.
· Here's something else you can stick where the sun don't shine.
· Anyone hungry for some Cheetos?!
· Remember, porn was created for one very important reason: to keep you out of jail. (Oh, and to help use up your data plan too.)

Is Kaylani Lei dead? The movie begins in a gauzy, brightly-lit room where she cavorts with a man in white underpants. According to the Porn Valley Book of the Dead, this and her four-inch white stilletos point to the Afterlife. But something is wrong; the apparition she's with appears to be Nick Manning in all that oversaturation, but it's not. Is she in Heaven or in Hell? We can't tell. Also, because the room is so white, we can't tell if a load has been dropped.

But wait. It's all a dream! Sandy (Lei) was only dreaming. It's Monday morning; she's not making love to an angel, she's a lonely working girl with a dog, and she's late for her carpool.

The car ride to the office is filled with the type of banter acting that reminds one of locally produced AM radio commercials. It's comforting. It says that, no matter how expensive the camera package and editing rig, that porn directors know the real reason people watch porn is for the sex.

It seems the office is going to undergo a round of layoffs, say the carpoolers. But, just as the movie opened with a more or less gratuitous sex scene (and I'm not saying there is anything bad about gratuitous sex in a porn movie), we now have the opportunity, through the porn-narrative techniques of exposition and flashback, to review each passenger's weekend sexcapades.

In the slow drive around the neighborhood, nerdy Jimmy recounts how he bedded a stripper in Vegas after a winning night at the blackjack table. He must've won big, because Hooker didn't make him wear a condom! Outside his casino-comped room, neon lights flash. Production design! Then the stripper's luchador husband arrives.

Then it's middle-aged Bob (Herschel Savage)'s turn. He and his wife get ready for a night of role-playing by talking about the APR on their leased vehicles. Wicked's couples'-friendly credo is this: See? Dom/sub couples are just like you.

"Next week, we're going to try something called erotic asphyxiation," Bob says.

Around this time I was waiting for the weekend adventures of the driver of the carpool, Sue. "I bet those glasses are just a beard for her sexual hellcattery," I said.

But Kaylani is the contract girl, so she gets her second sex scene first. She has a threesome with her friend and the pizza guy. The pizza guy. Never accuse Wicked of discarding history.

We finally get to Sue, who shocks our sensibilities by being a dirty little biker whore. With Brian Surewood unavailable, the role of lead biker went to an unshaven Evan Stone. While Sue's acting in the car was frankly abysmal, at the biker bar she acts with her eyes. Brilliant!

Four attractive people stuck in traffic talk about sex. Is there anything better suited to late-night cable? "Carpool" may be formulaic, but it's friendly, non-threatening, and fun. As the gang breaks up at the office parking lot there is a tidy wrap-up. With gas prices so high, I see room for a slew of inexpensive sequels.

Review by Gram Ponante

Carpool

Studio: Wicked
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Kylie Wilde, Nicole Sheridan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, Marcus London, Evan Stone, Alex Sanders, Dane Cross, Herschel Savage, Niko

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Carpool" (gamelink.com)

· Those F.A.M.E. Award winners: they really are gonna live forever!
· You people are way too good at this. (And that's why we love you.)
· You know, porn stars are just like you, except ... they're not.
· We've got football fever! Sorry, make that soccer fever.
· You know what they say: the only thing that separates a straight guy from gay sex is a six pack a really big check.
· Is that a strap-on in your pocket or ... yep, that's definitely a strap-on.

· If there's a way a sex toy can get too intimate, we think we found out what it is.
· We just thought of one other thing your favorite pornstar will probably never do: you.
· Wait, you can get fucked at home now? Why didn't anyone tell us this?
· Remember, everyone knows you jerk off. And now they know how.

· No offense to Harrison Ford, but we'd rather see Ava Rose's Holy Grail.
· Dave Naz' new movie reminds us of high scho ... junior hi ... fifth gra ... wait, how old are we again?
· Remember: there's no arguing about who are the hottest women in the adult industry. Unless you want to start your own magazine.
· We "started" offering hardcore porn ... by the minute, that is.
· But how Hardcore is too hardcore? Now we know, unfortunately.

· Rmember all those hot student sex parties during your college days? Yeah, us neither.
· Ah, the good old days of hot naked man-on-man wrestling. Some things never go out of style.
· Wait, so Julia Stiles still hasn't made her porn debut? We'll keep waiting.
· Banging someone else's wife is the new banging someone else's mom. Unless it turns out to be the same thing.
· Since when does 2 plus 2 equal infinity?
· We've been wondering why some guys are insecure about that whole "Sex and the City" thing. Now we know why.
· We always thought you were kinda cute. Wanna make a date?

· We went for a drive and went to the movies.
· We said goodbye to one old friend ... and said hello to a new one.
· Oh, and we got our eyes checked too.
· We found a new(ish) Japanese fetish to get stuck on... and then found something else to get excited about in our very own living room.
· We learned that the weather has strange effects on some people.
· Then we learned something about videogames ... and maybe a little about ourselves too.

· Now this is how you do a political scandal!
· Have you seen the new Indiana Jones movies yet? Those treasure hunters have even more fun than we remembered!
· Hey, Joanna Angel ... other people have to go too, you know?
· We are quite clever with our headlines, aren't we?
· If you're a parent with a kid in college, don't worry. They are up to exactly what you think they're up to.

· No matter what the issue, porn is always the answer.
· And if that doesn't work, just add more people.
· This probably goes without saying, but we would rob a bank if Stoya asked us to. Maybe even if she didn't.
· Remember, if you ask for it, we provide it. You did ask for stripping furries, correct? We could have sworn that you did. (P.S. Enjoy the three-day holiday!)

Well, the tawdrier the real thing, a pornic take on it almost seems to make the original look less harmful, as if a porn adaptation confirms how silly it is already. The same happened with Hustler's "Da Vinci Load"; it really improved on the book.

Mike Horner is particularly hammy in the role of New York Governor Eliot Splitz-her, and it is right and just that the adult industry still has some older performers around to add the right touch of Leslie Nielsen to parts like this one.

Students of history will be happy that Gov Lov pays attention to detail. The Governor is known as a man who cleans up the streets and, when he makes his assignations over the phone, is quoted a $4,000 fee.

But a porn movie unbound from its conventions, even if it is a topical movie like this one, won't fly. So Gov Lov needs to find other people to look at than just Horner and Cassandra Cruz as his special lady, thus trumped up scenes with different, vaguely-related pairings (Angela Stone as The Squirting Lobbyist, for example).

Unlike many hot-off-the-presses porn, however, this movie also has a bona fide B story. We meet two FBI surveillance agents, played by Van Damage and Veronica Jett, who get so caught up in the governor's shenanigans that they just can't help themselves.

The Governor is well-known to the escort agency, and he is set up with Kristen (Cruz) and they get to know each other (after the required funds are deposited in the agency's bank account).

After their tryst, they have the following conversation.

"Now this is going to be our little secret?" he says.

"Of course," she replies. "No one will ever find out."

As a movie specifically designed to be purchased by casual consumers, Gov Lov has all the porn world has to offer: speedy turnaround, a little humor, not too much talking, and some sense that these things could really happen. And Hustler put a little extra effort into the packaging, which is nice, since we're talking about people's lives here.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Gov Lov: The Eliot Splitz-her Story
Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Mike Horner, Cassandra Cruz, Kayla Paige, Angela Stone, Emma Heart, Veronica Jett, Kissy Kapri, Van Damage, Marcus London, Dino Braco, Kissy Kapri

· Order "Gov Lov" (gamelink)
· Hustler (hustlervideo.com)

"I'm also a professional dominatrix," she lies.

This is the cloud that hangs over "Undone"; will Young's fib be found out?

. . .

At the SM club a group of bored enthusiasts lament the lack of quality slaves when Young and Daniel walk in. Daniel disappears. The others fall on her immediately, pawing at the young Young like a pack of dogs. SM dogs.

Whether she is discovered or not, Young is pegged for a newbie submissive right off. She is pressed into service as a bootlicker and all-around "expulsions of desire". Because of her lies.

She is made to alternate between the fake cock of Selina Raven and James Mogul's real one. She is used, abused, and discarded.

"Undone" is another great short from Young. I only have one problem:

The power exchange of SM movies adds an element of drama not found in standard porn films. For this reason "Undone" could have gone without Young's voiceover, which overexplained what was a fairly obvious (if no less tasty) plot. "This turned me on with great pleasure," we learn.

Like Young's other recent short movie, "Writers and Rockstars", "Undone" takes advantage of the taut playground that is Madison Young, and that is enough; we can see the ironic freedom one achieves through bondage, and we can see her "secret smile" - we don't need to hear about it.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Undone
Studio: Madison Young
Director: Madison Young
Cast: Madison Young, Daniel, Selina Raven, James Mogul, Raina Degre, Luke Degre

· Madison Young (madisonbound.com)
· Buy "Undone" (tlavideo.com)

· No matter how you choose to celebrate the month of May, there's no reason masturbation shouldn't be involved.
· So, is it time for our checkup again?
· Sometimes sex just isn't dirty enough. Except when it is.
· We remember when we had a young American body.
· Former glamour models never die ... they just have second thoughts.

· So that's where Randy Spears has been hiding!
· It's a dirty job and we're kind of glad that Ariel X is doing it.
· If we all put our heads together, no porn movie will go unwatched.
· Sometimes it's almost like the people making porn know exactly what we want!
· Remember, you're all winners in our book. Actually, just the guy who won our contest is. The rest of you are tied for second place, though.

Pro: With page after page of beautiful photography by celebrated British erotica/fashion photographer Rankin and a nicely designed layout, this is a sex-related coffee table book that's actually sexy. You might even be tempted to leave it on your coffee table when company comes over—which, given the sad state of sex education in this country, would probably be a good thing.

Con: Those photos might be beautiful and all, but despite some attempt at racial diversity they get pretty homogenous after a while (and not just because everyone is heterosexual): the models are uniformly young and pretty and slender, and we know there are more than just young and pretty and slender people who have sex. It's like overdosing on an endless lowfat Pinkberry sundae: all that trendy, bland sweetness can get pretty cloying. Give us those dumpy, hairy hippies in "The Joy Of Sex" any day.

Pro: It's a fun read. Em and Lo have made their names with friendly and honest advice, so it's no surprise that their signature tone and sense of humor is present in this book. If you somehow thought that sex books always had to be dry, boring, and technical, this is a book to change your mind.

Con: About those pictures again? Playful as they are, they're also pretty darn tepid for a sex manual: there are naked boobs galore, but except for a purely anatomical shot or two you have to look long and hard for a glimpse of a dick—never mind a hard dick or even the barest hint of penetration. We know they're aiming for "tasteful", but a sex book without actual sex in it starts looking sort of like an American Apparel catalog. (Minus the apparel, of course.)

Pro: It's extensive. After so many years in the sex advice business, Em and Lo have amassed a lot of expertise about what makes people tick (and moan and sigh), and they share a tremendous amount of that knowledge here. With nine detailed sections, they leave almost no stone unturned. Hey, a book that devotes an entire section to handjobs and an exhaustive guide to the different kinds of sex toys on the market these days must have something to teach you.

Con: Encyclopaedic as it might be, it's hard to tell just exactly who this book is supposed to be for. If you're already sexually active, it's unlikely you're going to interrupt a session with your (probably white and slender) partner to look up a new position or learn how to put on a condom, and if you're not already having sex with someone ... well, wouldn't a book like this be sort of frustrating and/or besides the point? And as for people on either side of that fence who just want a resource for general sex advice and resources: there's this cool thing called the interweb where you can look up pretty much anything you like (including plenty of Em & Lo's archived material), won't cost you $25, and won't get sticky when you spill lube all over it. (Unless you spill it on your keyboard, in which case you're probably beyond the help of whatever a book like this could tell you anyway.)

So there you have it. Now excuse us while we get back to arguing about who gets to take the book home with them over the weekend. (Hey, at least we agreed that the pictures were pretty.)

· Buy "Sex: How To Do Everything" (amazon.com)
· Em and Lo (dailybedpost.com)
· Photos by Rankin (rankin.co.uk)

· We stay the same age, but those crazy hipster kids seem to just keep getting younger (and nakeder.)
· Of course, we never thought these people would ever come of age, but somehow they made it!
· Some folks got new jobs, others got promotions, and the rest of us just wanted a raise.
· You could learn something from Sasha Grey, if only you would stop drooling on yourself and pay attention.

· Katsumi loves you and only you. Well, you and your stand-in.
· We tested your o-face savvy. As usual, everybody's a winner.
· We all learned a little something about fluffers.
· We tried to remember the good old days. We don't recall having that much fun though.
· This must have been so humiliating for you.
· We went where no one has gone before, and couldn't wait to get back.
· Remember, one man's fantasy is another girl's day job. Oh, and call your mom, you ungrateful brat.

You might be confused about who the virtual You will be fucking in this movie: isn't she supposed to be Katsuni? Well, this movie was made during her losing court battle but before she was forced to change one letter of her name to appease a distraught French woman who claimed she was being misidentified as a hot porn star.

It is a customer not scared of adjustments who purchases an interactive movie; there is a lot of direct address ("See? My titties are already hard," Katsumi says to you) and, the way Digital Playground does it, there is a lot of zooming back and forth against whatever greenscreen background Katsumi appears against.

But the "Virtual Sex" DVDs are unlike other movies in that the environment is rigidly controlled. The sound is clear and present and there are no distractions to take the viewer away from the star.

"So what do you prefer?" she asks. "My boobs? My pussy? My ass? Or my mouse?"

International symbols for those parts show up at the periphery of the screen when it is time for the DVD to become really interactive. Digital Playground's go-to stunt cock, Scott Nails, steps in as your proxy in Katsumi-servicing.

I'll take a break here and say that Katsumi looks really good, even if Scott Nails never consulted You about how You, personally, would service Katsumi. Only then would this DVD be truly interactive.

But lest you think that Katsumi doesn't care about you and only has eyes for Nails, she drops a bit of Gallic science on you before Nails delivers his vicarious load.

"I love being on ze top so I can make love with you ... the way I want."

- Review by Gram Ponante

Virtual Sex with Katsumi
Studio: Digital Playground
Director: Robby D.
Cast: Katsumi (prior to legal name change), Scott Nails as You

· "Virtual Sex With Katsumi" (gamelink.com)

Well, eight months after it first started making headlines we finally managed to score an invite to the Zivity beta site, and now we can tell you: not very much.

After all the hype it's received, we expected ... well, something we hadn't seen before, or at least something pretty special. You know, something slightly more than just an opportunity to set up a profile page and look at some pictures of naked chicks female beauty.

Granted, Zivity has entered the market at more than a bit of disadvantage. With megaporn site (excuse us, modern pinup showcase) SuicideGirls setting a certain standard for adult communities online, it can be pretty hard for any new kid on the block to compete. Still, given that Zivity is clearly aware of SG (Missy Suicide is one of their photographers), you'd think they'd at least try to have a site that's more impressive.

No such luck, though: aside from the photos and their totally original voting system, there's not much there there Does anyone really need yet another website where they can set up yet another profile? Sure, the pictures are pretty hot (if a bit tame) ... but why do you have to have one more profile to keep track of just to look at them?

Sample model page

Sample Photo Set

Photo Upload Page (note: no nudity for nonmodels!)

To be fair, Zivity is in beta, so maybe they have some other features in the works that will be in place before their public launch. If not ... well, we sure hope at least a chunk of that $7 million is winding up in their models' pockets. We hate to see good money going to waste.

· Zivity

* * * * *

Previously: Zivity's Big Score: Good Money After Bad?, Porn 2.0: Haven't We Been Here Before?, The New Porn.com: When Bad Things Happen To Good Domains

· Jimi Hendrix kissed the sky with some foxy ladies, except maybe he didn't. At least we got a valuable history lesson out of it.
· If you haven't figured out yet why we're such Lorelei Lee fans, well ... we're sorry that your eyesight is so bad.
· When it comes to her fans, Ava Devine is very hands-on.
· We all have our "Heavy Loads" to bear.

· There's still more porn awards to hand out? Did you win anything this time?
· Is it possible that Keeley Hazell has always been a singer, but we were just too distracted by her breasts to hear anything?
· Remember, only 29 more shopping days until National Masturbation Month is over. Then what will you do for the other 11?

Sometimes male performers can't perform, and are sent home. But women with an advertised talent for squirting sometimes don't squirt. In such cases they stay right where they are and the movie changes around them.

I make it rain / Who make it rain? / I make it rain/ Ooooo! announces the theme song to "I Make It Rain."

Why Depth is a sex therapist in this movie is unclear, as Chase knows everything she needs to do. Maybe her health insurance allowed her more sessions than she actually needed and she decided to use them all up, the way I did when I got that gift certificate to Claim Jumper and ate all that food just so I wouldn't appear ungrateful.

Squirting came to the fore in the western world's mind with the advent of Cytherea, who was a slip of a thing. But Depth chooses women who are a bit thicker, like Chase (pictured)), Flower Tucci, Jada Fire, and Cindy Crawford, and that makes all the difference.

But Chase does not erupt volcanically. "There it is! There it is!" cries Depth at one point, but it seems more for the benefit of fraud lawyers.

Still, Chase has a smoky, scratchy Brenda Vaccaro voice, which makes up for a lot. I think Depth, deprived of such a graphic display of squirting, fell in love instead.

· John E. Depth (itsabigblackthing.com)
· Buy "I Make It Rain" (gamelink.com)

Though Cinema Erotique has a smaller library than some other sites we've seen —at present, there's only about 30 movies and 31 shorter striptease clips—the movies themselves are a bit more involved than, say, the latest Bang Bus update. Running about 20 minutes each, the movies run the gamut from girl with toy to girl/girl to girl/boy, with a bit of spanking and bondage thrown in for extra kicks. Don't have 20 minutes to devote to porn? Those striptease clips like the one above can help make the most of your busy, busy schedule.

And if you're in the mood for photos, Cinema Erotique has those too. And for all the nerds out there, there's the "Editing Room," with behind the scenes shots, movie scripts, and soundtracks. (We're not quite sure why you'd want to read the script for "Dial S For Sex" — but hey, to each their own.)

The one downside (and it's a huge downside for many of us here at Fleshbot) is that Cinema Erotique's offerings are only available in Windows Media format. We're not sure where that's acceptable—France, maybe?—but it made us sour a bit on what it otherwise a site well worth checking out ... though not enough to totally dampen our enjoyment of soon-to-be classics like "Internet Bride."

· Cinema Erotique (cinemaerotique.com)

· They say that history is written by the winners, unless some porn studio gets to it first.
· So that's what it looks like when 300 sweaty Greek guys get replaced a few hot babes!
· Kimberly Kane has worked in some interesting places. Sadly, our office is not one of them.
· Meanwhile, Hillary Scott is much better at this game than that silly Carmen Sandiego ...

· ... and Casey Parker makes us really miss living in California.
· Some gay porn stars don't retire ... they just change into tranny porn stars!
· If you don't "get" tentacle sex, maybe it's because you haven't been looking in the right place.
· Penny Flame and Tristan Taromino want to hurt you. But in a good way.
· Usually, the porn world isn't nearly as sordid as some people think it is. Sometimes, though, it's exactly as sordid as some people think it is.
· Remember, if you want to get to Carnegie Hall ... practice, practice, practice.

The film stars Sirpa Lane—who played the Beauty to the original French "Beast" that "inspired" this one—and Vassilli Karis as a Lando Calrissian-esque space rogue with a knack for bar fights and bedding hot women. The two hook up one night after he beats up a rival suitor and once the steamy deed is done, she recounts her recurring nightmare of being attacked in the woods by a bearded dude with a snazzy embroidered vest. This is what is called "foreshadowing."

Soon after, Capt. Larry Madison (yes, that's his futuristic space name) realizes that the man he beat up the night before was in possession of a rare metal called Antalium, which is used by the military for its neutron weapons and that said metal came from the mysterious uncharted planet Lorigon. Quickly, the new loverbirds are off to the races to conquer the planet and secure all this precious material for the their ownselves. Yay, imperialism!

It should be said that for a low-budget futuristic adventure pic, this film is much better than it has any right to be. The story actually honors a lot of standard sci-fi conventions and shows a shocking amount of scientific literacy. Terms like "gyroscopic stabilizers" get thrown around (correctly!) and the script actually knows the proper ratio of oxygen needed in the atmosphere to sustain human life. To a true nerd, such details are impressive. If it had even half the budget of a LucasFilm production (instead of what we are guessing was about 1/1000th), this could have been a respectable mainstream picture.

Minus the stock footage of horses fucking, of course. Seriously, why does every 1970s Eurotrash flick have a scene where humans get turned on by catching two horses doing it?. It's such a cliche of the genre—even if it is on another planet.

Once on Longion, they quickly discover that it is ruled by a sadistic robot that hordes all the Antalium for itself and pays the planet back by keeping its citizens in a THX-like mind control haze. The good news is that no one ages and there's lots of free food ... so why not just start humping? That's exactly what happens for the next 35 minutes or so as various pairings roll around in the grass making sweet, sweet love—until Lane realizes she's paired off with ... beaded vest guy! And he's got more than just beads hiding underneath his robes! It's the Beast ... in space!

We don't want to spoil all the fun for you, but you can imagine where this is headed. Groovy mind trips, bestiality and lightsaber glowing plastic sword battles ensue. If you're buying this flick just for the sex scenes, you'll probably be disappointed. There aren't enough of them and they're too far apart for this movie to be considered a true raunchy romp, but if you like your "so bad, it's good" movie nights to have a little extra spice, it is a fun ride.

Soon to be re-released by Severin Films, the DVD will be available in two versions, an NC-17 level grope fest (full-frontal softcore only) and an "uncut" XXX-version, although it seems pretty clear that the brief hardcore action was inserted after the fact using replacement actors and extreme closeups. (Although, the Beast himself certainly benefits from a little extra endowment and there is a deleted scene of his Beast-like climax.) If only George Lucas had been inspired by "Deep Throat," instead of the other way around, just imagine the movie we could have had.

· Buy: "The Beast in Space": XXX Version or Unrated Version (severin-films.com)

Helpfully arranged in sections with titles like "Bodily Fluids" and "Infidelity" and labeled with funny graphics reminiscent of road signs, "Bad Sex" nevertheless doesn't offer much shock value and, what's worse, provides few tasty examples of good sex before that, too, went bad. Instead, readers are left with a series of literate, astute, and blunted stories of lust gone wrong.

Exceptions include Monica Drake's "The Splatter Artist," a bittersweet tale of an ejaculator both premature and prolific, Lisa Gabriele's "Dead Wood" (you do feel sorry for her) because not only does she lose her boyfriend but she also comes down with a "battered pussy," and the one cringeworthy story in a book tnat should be full of them, Neal Pollack's shamefaced "Man's Best Friend" (it involves a different kind of battered pussy).

Even though I was disappointed with this volume of anti-erotica, I look forward to a sequel with the kinks worked in.

· Nerve (nerve.com)
· "Bad Sex: We Did It, so You Won't Have To" (amazon.com)

. . .

The first stop is Catalina Island with a pre-pregnancy Paulina James and a pre-arrest Jack Venice. Reeking of alcohol, they are denied a bike rental. Somehow they are allowed golf carts. They make their way to the west side of the island and engage in some clifftop action against the overcast Pacific sky.

Back in L.A., Casey picks up Devon for a beachside romp. They race like blonde gazelles across the sand, if that's what gazelles do, and if gazelles can be blonde. Then they retreat to a bedroom where they compare tattoos.

"You have such a spankable ass, dude," declares Devon.

Next, it's off to wine country. Parker explains how raisins are made, then declares that she hates raisins.

The blonder the partner, the better the scene. Parker meets Aubrey Addams in Napa and