I remember this very clearly: I was at the home of someone who is now a Facebook friend and we were bored, and both of us knew it. Suddenly he turned on the radio, muttering "Wonder if Taco has a new song. 'Puttin' on the Ritz' is awesome."

I hate Taco's version of "Puttin' on the Ritz" so much, and Taco for doing it, that I can't help thinking about it every time I encounter a similar metrical construction, such as this week's title. And, Dear Fleshbot Readers, this happens a lot more than you'd think. "For a wonderful time" it is not.

To refresh (shudder) your memory or create nightmares:

So your task this week is to banish my demons with your own parody version (text only, don't wear yourself out) of "Puttin' on the Ritz" using this week's gapetastic title. (And, parenthetically, big props to last week's winner.)

· Vouyer Media (vouyermedia.com)
· Buy "Diggin in the Gapes 2" (gamelink.com)

Of course anything with Cassandra Calogera in it is "Jerkoff Material." If she were riding the bus, the destination window would say Jerkoff Ahead. Where most people say "Bye" when hanging up the phone, Cassandra Calogera's friends sign off with "Jerking Off Now!"

I hear she even greets people at holiday barbecues with specific areas in the yard where people can jerk off to her. It's like she's a cyborg crafted from space age alloys and jerkoff material.

So your job this week is to come up with a title that is less obvious but still takes into account there are fleshy minxes lolling about on the cover demanding to be jerked off to.

· Jules Jordan (julesjordan.com)
· Buy "Jerkoff Material 2" (gamelink.com)

There was a time when all pussies were hairy. Who would think of shaving them? And once upon a time Coca Cola was just that, until the famous Formula changed, the public bawked, and the original version had to be brought back and renamed Coca Cola Classic.

But now that even your mom shaves her parts, we need titles like "Hairy Pussy P.O.V." to let us know that we are about to witness some kind of freakshow.

Fleshbot readers, be like unto last week's happy few and tell us what this movie might have been called had it been released in 1984.

· Richard Lederer (verbivore.com)
· Buy "Hairy Pussy POV" (gamelink.com)

Fleshbot Readers, your answers to last week's contest were so thoughtful that we thought we'd resurrect another chestnut from sophomore year in high school that re-emerged meaning something totally different freshman year in college: "The Stranger."

While all porn (aside from "Naked Happy Girls") reveals a darkness, please create for this week a porn title that would make a Galois-smoking, coffee-rank, beturtlenecked and Algiers-lounging existentialist proud.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Deep Anal Abyss 2" (gamelink.com)

All right, so "Head Case" is a movie about blowjobs, I guess, according to the copy we received from the studio's PR firm:

Not one ounce of liquid love is wasted as these girls suck and tug their way to your happiness.

...but you can forgive me for thinking from the title that the flick is about the Insane. It's a common mistake. I am especially sensitive to this because I went to see "Titicut Follies" because I thought it was a porn movie.

So maybe that's not what producers meant, at all.

In the room the women come and go
Talking about Fellatio

Your job this week is to mine porn titles from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and, if you're especially skilled, you will be like last week's winner and smooth us with long fingers.

· 3rd Degree Films (thirddegreefilms.com)
· Buy "Head Case 5" (gamelink.com)

"Cyber Sluts," you see, are sluts who have an Internet presence.

Hasn't an Internet presence been one of the three defining qualities of a slut since at least 2001, along with a bar tab and a pubococcygeal tattoo?

Regardless, your task this week is to strain every last sinew like last week's winner by coming up with a title that might have seemed hip in 1996 but which now makes viewers think you're offering something delightfully retro but aren't, actually. Maybe Lenny Kravitz will finally win one this week!

· Wicked Pictures (wicked.com)
· Buy "Cyber Sluts 6" (gamelink.com)

Dear Readers, it is true that I couldn't care less who wins this weekend, but what I do care about, like getting a handjob from Tinkerbell, is if my neighbor's wayward and frank sister in-law will be at the SuperBowl party. Why? Because last year she wore no panties. The choice between Cardinals and Steelers and Ranch and Onion Dip pales in comparison to that of Angie in the Basement v. A Punch in the Face.

So the appearance of this week's movie is not arbitrary at all. What do you do about the pantieless SuperBowl guest?

· DVSX Pictures (dvsx.com)
· Buy "Panty Peek Freaks" (gamelink.com)

Hookers do this thing - they learn it at hooker camp - where they can successfully execute a handjob in, like, 30 seconds. But in real life, as in porn, the handjob must be magical.

Notice I didn't say "singular." I said "magical."

That is why I'm asking you to come up with a fantasy character you'd most like a handjob from, and why. The Hamburglar? Sure. But why? Radagast the Brown? Sure. But why? Tracy Scoggins? You get the idea.

· Hundies (hundies.com)
· Buy "Fantasy Handjobs 7" (gamelink.com)

Everybody—even Conrad Bain—knows that a creampie is vaginal by default unless it is specifically labeled an anal creampie. Why Jenavieve Jolie invites all comers to deposit a creampie by showing her (all right, it's adorable) ass is a mystery.

Fleshbot readers, your job this week is to Bend It like Bento by giving us a true story of being offered one thing but shown another in a case of sexual three-card-monte.

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Internal Combustion Cream Pies 14" (gamelink.com)

Actually that isn't my question, but I do like the idea of what Brahe called "the portal ass."

No, my question has to do with the admirable specificity of the title, an autistoid need to make clear that there are six of them, this is how they're dressed, and this is what happens to them.

So your task is to rise to the occasion like the final winner of 2008 and supply a fourth element to the formula: what happens after they take it up the ass? Be ridiculously specific.

· Private (private.com)
· Buy "6 Nurses Take It Up the Ass" (gamelink.com)

Can you come up with a better tag line for a Christmas porn than that? Do what you must: sexualize the Virgin Mary, give Santa a prodigious wang, plague Rudolph with an unseemly discharge, refer to a 69 that never happens, but take back Christmas from the captains of industry and return it to the carnal ice orgy it once was.

(And "Spirit of Christmas Assed" is taken.)

Since you are already bowed under the weight of familial pressure this time of year, we won't ask you to measure up to the Brobdingnagian efforts of last week's winner, but we'd like to see something by St. Stephen's Day. Something, Kevin, OK? We pay all that money for college and you come back looking like this? Oh wait. We're doing it again.

· Anarchy Films (anarchyfilmsdvd.com)
· Buy "Very Creamy Christmas" (gamelink.com)

Here is Mikayla Mendez on the cover of "Sexy Bitch." It's like someone—maybe it was you?—called her a Sexy Bitch from the laundry room and she's turning to say, "Who, me?" But now imagine that the blank white wall she's not looking at instead had a directive that would change her life, like "Eat more ham," "Jesus saves," or "No fat chicks."

What would you write? And what would you write it with?

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy "Sexy Bitch" (gamelink.com)

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Waist Watchers 4" (gamelink.com)

· Jules Jordan (julesjordan.com)
· Buy "Tunel Butts" (gamelink.com)

· Diabolic (diabolic.com)
· Buy "Need for Seed 3" (gamelink.com)

· Evasive Angles (evasiveangles.com)
· Buy "Mama Turned Me Out 3" (gamelink.com)

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Belladonna's Butthole Whores 3" (gamelink.com)

· Devil's Film (devilsfilm.com)
· See the real title (gamelink.com)

· Zero Tolerance (zerotolerance.com)
· Buy "Apple Bottomz" (gamelink.com)

If you are successful like last week's winner, you will tell us (one entry per person, please) what this dude is doing with his right hand.

· Evasive Angles (evasiveangles.com)
· See the real title (gamelink.com)