· Blowjob with Pop Rocks (xtube.com)

We're not really sure what sort of proof is required (a sex tape? A voicemail? Dirty pictures?), or what her contract would entail—but then again, Vivid probably doesn't either. Who needs a well thought out business plan when you can get tons of publicity off some half-baked porn contract promise you'll never have to follow up on?

· Vivid Offers $1 Million for True Tiger Riding Tales (avn.com)

Unless...do you think it's actually not from a parallel universe, and just a couple of kids who happened to leave their video camera the wrong way up? No...that's way too unlikely.

· kne2 (xtube.com)

Yes, on closer inspection, one can see that this particular photo of a lovely young woman sunning herself at the beach features a lovely young woman...with a third nipple (or as we like to think of it, an extra love button). We're not sure where these pictures were taken—but you can rest assured we'll be keeping our eyes peeled for her...or others like her, in any case. Ladies, let your extra nipples out for air!

· Young Wife on the Beach (share-image.com, via indienudes.com)

Copyranter's Buygone Product of the Week is this lovely improvement on the telephone. Sports Illustrated may have their Football Phone, and that girl from "Juno" has her kooky Hamburger Phone, but playboys, pimps, and millionaires only use this nipple-less taffy lady whose nether regions send sounds across the country. It's the natural evolution Alexander Graham Bell would've wanted. Those European artists sure know what's up.

· Buygone Product of the Week: Oral Sex Phone (copyranter.blogspot.com)

Not sure you agree? Have a taste of what these chefs are cooking...we feel fairly certain they'll easily sway your opinion.

· The Real Food Porn: The Joys of Cooking Topless (villagevoice.com)

Yes, Natalie's deflowering has been sold to an American man for one million dollars. Yes, it seems like a lot to us, too, but hey: props to Natalie for scoring so much cash. Also in the works? A book deal and a biopic. Man, if we'd known auctioning off our ladyflower could be that much of a get rich quick scheme, we never would have pursued this whole writing scam.

· Girl Selling Virginity To End Auction In The Next Few Days (scandalist.thefablife.com)

Loewe, the Spanish luxury brand, came up with this advertisement for their new scent, Aire Loco. Really, we have no idea what's going on. We're just going to let this one slide.

· Nonsensical Sexuality of the Week (copyranter.blogspot.com)

· Apparently In Slovenia, all billboards have boobs. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

In all honesty, the spread is rather tasteful. We genuinely guffawed during the interview, especially when Marge asserted that she was happy to be a "MILK—a Mom I'd Like to Know." It's just so wholesome. And this is probably the most exciting celebrity cover to come out in a while.

The only real disturbances were Marge's boobs under the gauzy negligee. Maybe it's just the pink-sheen from her outfit, or the fact that she has nipples, but they look too...human. Too Playboy-approved. Too perky. Marge has three kids, and we always assumed she breastfed them. Could Krusty-brand Baby Formula be the key to her youthful bounce?

· Marge Simpson's Playboy Photos Revealed (worstpreviews.com)

Sounds interesting, really—but perhaps we'd all be better off using aphrodisiacs that don't turn our partners into objectum-sexuals. Now, who's up for some oysters?

· Man, woman getting it on. Man takes phone call. So woman f*cks man's pants. Man left to smell pants. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

Why anyone would want to snort cum is beyond us, truly, but in the case of Porno Dan from Immoral Productions we're thinking it's because his every day bodily fluids contain ample amounts of narcotics or narcotic-like substances. It's not entirely unlike a heroin addict shoving water through cotton (or so we are told) in the hope of getting one last hit or the "call the dealer again while you scrape the bag and lick the mirror" philosophy that has served some of us well over the years.

So, withholding all judgment and plunging forward, we took a gander at this unique phenomenon of girls blowing Porno Dan then snorting his load and found ourselves fascinated. We think you will, too. Seems like something so exotic should come from a far corner of the globe, like Germany, where Dan and his crew are at this very moment running around causing havoc at the Venus awards. Nope. It all goes down in and around beautiful Chatsworth.

The willing participants, and by willing we mean they both "slept" with Porno Dan and snorted his cum, include such lovely women as Amy Starz, Ashli Orion, Heather Starlet, Kylie Love, Sierra Skye and the wildest girl in all of porn—Amber Rayne. Yes, you read that right. Digital Playground's new contract star Janie Summers once snorted cum. That's why she made the boxcover of today's release. She also starred in Dan's "Fuck A Fan" series—twice. Translation: we should all expect amazing things from this wild young thing.

Heather and her gal pals explore new terrain, pulling gooey gobs of nut butter way up into their sinuses in a way that only a serious neti pot session will be able to fix later on. Crazy, crazy girls. Rumor has it that Ashli Orion loved snorting cum so much that she actually changed her MySpace nickname to "Cum Snorter." We're pretty sure that means you can start counting down the seconds until her profile gets deleted, but you get the general idea.

"Snort That Cum" releases from Dan Leal and Immoral Productions today. You're going to have to see these pictures to believe them.

Heather Starlet
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Heather Starlet
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Heather Starlet
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Heather Starlet
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Sierra Skye
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Sierra Skye
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Kylie Love
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Kylie Love
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Kylie Love
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)
Buy "Snort That Cum" (tlavideo.com)

True, we've seen weirder (much weirder) stuff in the realm of porno promos—but for today, this one definitely takes the cake.

Photographer Louie Banks chose the second option for an editorial in Gang Up Magazine, in a piece he calls "Plastic Fantastic." It's almost like your Barbie struck a deal with a Real Doll, but way less horrifying.

· Gang Up (gangupmagazine.com)
· Photo by Louie Banks (flickr.com)

So we're not all that surprised by the numerous photographers on Flickr who've chosen to depict lovely Barbie (and a few of her friends) in compromising—and decidedly Sapphic—positions. You never forget your first love, right?

· Lesbian Barbies (cityrag.com)
· Photo by Sakuri Lepestochek (flickr.com)

Seriously, though...they're still together? (Sorry.) The video—which accompanies clever lyrics like, "You've got a pussy, I've got a dick, so what's the problem?"—starts like any other, with some very mild teasing, then slowly ramps up until it explodes into an all out fuckfest. Backed by Rammstein.

Yes, it's weird. But hey, it's a porno music video: are you really going to say no to that?

· "Pussy" (video @ visit-x.net)

Above, a segment from the bikini babe version of "12 Angry Men." All that flesh really brings new life to the work, are we right?

· 12 Angry Men with HOT CHICKS (youtube.com)

Though if we had our druthers, we'd really have preferred Hot Chicks Cuddling Kittens or Hot Chicks Making You A Latte or even Hot Chicks Having Wild Crazy Sex 24/7—oh wait, we're writing that last one already.

· Hot Chicks Picking Up Dog Shit (hotchickspickingupdogshit.com)

· Bubes (bubes.tumblr.com)

Sexlets Gum—differentiated from other gums by the sexy lady on the package—is chock full of "a proprietary blend of natural male stimulating ingredients," which are apparently released into the bloodstream when the gum is chewed (mm, delicious!). When that happens, the blood starts aflowin', which leads to a larger, thicker penis and longer, harder, firmer and more powerful erections.

But that's not all! Since chewing gum promotes saliva, which kills bacteria, Sexlets Gum also helps maintain those bright shiny teeth and gums. Bigger penis and healthy teeth? Whatta combo!

Clearly, nothing can go wrong with this plan.

· Sexlets Gum (sexletsgum.com)