It's tough, man! But lucky for us amateurs, there are pros like these pornstars, willing and able to show off the many different ways to make three into one (it's like a threeway Kama Sutra). Take this group of talented fuck artists: they're employing what's known (by us, and only us) as the fuck chain—a simple, efficient way to make sure that everyone has a good time, at the same time.

· Dripping Goo (xtube.com)

In fact, we directly credit the time we spent watching this exact sitcom—which made it's debut on ABC March 1st 1977, dead in the heart of our developmental years—as being the reason we ended up choosing this very career path. I am Jack's endless string of sexual innuendo.

Thus, when XBIZ's Director of the Year Will Ryder, creator of "Not the Brady's XXX," came to us and asked what we thought about him making "Not Three's Company XXX," and casting it chock full of cock all-stars like Brynn Tyler, Penny Flame, Nina Hartley, Jenny Hendrix, Madison Scott, Sienna West, Alyssa Hall, and Roxy Jezel pitted against cock masters Van Damage, Tommy Gunn, Dino Bravo, Scott Lyons and last, but not least, the original God of Fuck Ron Jeremy, we thoroughly approved.

Okay, maybe he didn't consult with us "per se," but he did invite us to the set, which is just as good. It was there that we learned that this sexy homage to our favorite trio involves Jack losing his job, Janet taking a night job, and the Ropers assuming she is now a hooker. Of course, unlike the sitcom, we actually get to see everyone screw their hearts out—hooray!

Brynn Tyler takes an amazing fuck session in her tight pink box from Eric Swiss. Pouting beauty and Hello Kitty addict Jenny Hendrix looks incredible getting drilled by skinny Lyons, and sexy Penny Flame takes a crack at Roxy Jezel's dusky crack. Legendary performer Nina Hartley puts her cock sucking skills to the test again, and we love seeing Tommy Gunn go "full Guido" with the hair, gold chain, and machisimo—even if every Italian knows that you never go "full Guido."

Still, in the end it's Van Damage who steals the show, nailing white hot Madison Scott and Alyssa Hall at the same time. We're big enough to admit we're more than a bit jealous: pint sized sexual powerhouse Madison Scott is well on her way to becoming Performer of the Year, and definitely a full fledged Fleshbot Crush Object. We heart her. Big time.

"Not Three's Company XXX" arrives in stores this week, just 32 years and a few days after the original show aired. Enjoy this exclusive extended preview set.

· "Not Three's Company XXX"· Sitcums (sitcums.com)

Unfortunately, the FILF theme doesn't extend much beyond the title cards. Yes, there are scenes full of older men and younger women: but this is porn, and that's rather par for the course. In the feature's five scenes, there is no mention of taking the kids to Little League, no scenes of suburban dads driving home in minivans, no essence of fatherliness, period. Instead we're presented with a prisoner and a prison guard, a patient and his doctor, a vacuum salesman and his client—it's nice and all, but when we're promised fathers, fathers are what we want to see.

· Buy "FILF" (gamelink.com)

Thankfully, Nina Hartley is here to offer her assistance, in the form of "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex." With the help of bondage model and expert Claire Adams, Nina walks bondage beginners through all the basics of getting down and dirty while bound ... and throws in some super hot sex scenes by way of illustration.

Depending on your expectations, your enjoyment of the film may vary. For one thing, this is definitely some education with a side of porn and not the other way around: the film goes a full half hour without anyone getting naked, and the sex scenes themselves are heavily laced with instruction and tips.

Additionally, the film focuses on women tying up women and men tying up women, without a single bound man in sight. Yes, there are elements of bondage that are universal, and the film offers helpful insights for anyone looking to get bound and gagged. But if you're hoping for, say, some serious cock and ball torture action, this isn't the flick for you.

Nerds that we are, we still enjoyed learning the ins and outs of bondage sex—like what positions are best, how to tie a good knot, and all the fun little bondage gadgets. But we'd still recommend viewing this video when you're in a learning mood, not a fapping mood. You're bound to get something good out of watching the video, but it just might not be until after you've watched it, when you're putting Nina's lessons to good use.

• "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex" (adameve.com)
• Order: "Nina Hartley's Guide To Bondage Sex" (Adult DVD Empire)

"When I measured you last week," says Van Damage to comely Emma Cummings, "you weren't so womanly." If you were they, wouldn't you be compelled to fuck after such an exchange?

The blur is what happens when bodies start slappin'. You can't control it. Not even with a Blu-Ray player. Here, Derrick Pierce helps Brooke Scott with body image issues.

At no point in the movie, other than in the title and in the sound effects, is the idea of "babies" considered; the theme of the movie is more one of fat as a result of indolence rather than youth. Lee Stone chastises Jersey (no relation) Cummings over her slovenly workout habits, for example. Then Stone does that thing where he flips her upside down so she can blow him (see gallery). So she can't be that heavy.

Another possible title for this movie would be "Abby Winters-cum-Cocks-sans-Didgeridoos," but that wouldn't fit on the DVD.

· Hustler (hustlerworld.com)
· Buy "Barely Legal Baby Fat" (gamelink.com)

Well, the tawdrier the real thing, a pornic take on it almost seems to make the original look less harmful, as if a porn adaptation confirms how silly it is already. The same happened with Hustler's "Da Vinci Load"; it really improved on the book.

Mike Horner is particularly hammy in the role of New York Governor Eliot Splitz-her, and it is right and just that the adult industry still has some older performers around to add the right touch of Leslie Nielsen to parts like this one.

Students of history will be happy that Gov Lov pays attention to detail. The Governor is known as a man who cleans up the streets and, when he makes his assignations over the phone, is quoted a $4,000 fee.

But a porn movie unbound from its conventions, even if it is a topical movie like this one, won't fly. So Gov Lov needs to find other people to look at than just Horner and Cassandra Cruz as his special lady, thus trumped up scenes with different, vaguely-related pairings (Angela Stone as The Squirting Lobbyist, for example).

Unlike many hot-off-the-presses porn, however, this movie also has a bona fide B story. We meet two FBI surveillance agents, played by Van Damage and Veronica Jett, who get so caught up in the governor's shenanigans that they just can't help themselves.

The Governor is well-known to the escort agency, and he is set up with Kristen (Cruz) and they get to know each other (after the required funds are deposited in the agency's bank account).

After their tryst, they have the following conversation.

"Now this is going to be our little secret?" he says.

"Of course," she replies. "No one will ever find out."

As a movie specifically designed to be purchased by casual consumers, Gov Lov has all the porn world has to offer: speedy turnaround, a little humor, not too much talking, and some sense that these things could really happen. And Hustler put a little extra effort into the packaging, which is nice, since we're talking about people's lives here.

- Review by Gram Ponante

Gov Lov: The Eliot Splitz-her Story
Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Mike Horner, Cassandra Cruz, Kayla Paige, Angela Stone, Emma Heart, Veronica Jett, Kissy Kapri, Van Damage, Marcus London, Dino Braco, Kissy Kapri

· Order "Gov Lov" (gamelink)
· Hustler (hustlervideo.com)