Fleshbot: straight, third grade humor

So who exactly is this Dick Smith and why...

Jonnobot — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:05:58 EDT

So who exactly is this Dick Smith and why does he get to look at phone porn images? More importantly, can we have his job? (news.com.au; thumb via WildDolls.com)

This is the end result of global warming—an...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 09:58:16 EDT

This is the end result of global warming—an ocean full of giant penis icebergs. Yes, our coastlines will be underwater, but at least it we'll be slightly amused by it. (metro.co.uk)

Not content with LOLcats—or LOLporn,...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:35:10 EDT

Not content with LOLcats—or LOLporn, for that matter—the folks at "I Can Has Cheezburger" have launched a funny Engrish site and what do you know ... pretty much all Japanese-to-English translations end up sounding hilariously filthy. Yes, that sign is offering cunt examinations. And yes, we are easily amused. (engrishfunny.com)

"The Best Hand Job In Town"

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:30:36 EDT

An Elgin, Illinois, car wash recently caused a bit of a kerfuffle by advertising their machine-free towel dry service as "the best hand job in town." Even more amusing than the hysterical reaction of the townsfolk—or that the local paper can't bring themselves to say the offending phrase—is the owner's defense that this is standard industry "lingo" and if you don't believe her then you morons should just Google it. Well, we didn't, so we did and you know what? She's right! So does that mean "hand job" is just a part of boring everyday business jargon ... or do all car wash owners simply have the same sick sense of humor? Check out our rogue's advertising gallery below and decide for yourself.

. . .

* * * * *

· Google Image Search for "best hand job in town" (google.com)
· Car wash promises best ' hand job ' in town (upi.com)
· Elgin car wash sign: Lewd or just lingo?
· Related: Car Wash Promises Best Hand Job

Dear Costco: Thanks so much for sending...

Jonnobot — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:50:08 EDT

Dear Costco: Thanks so much for sending us that promotional email this weekend letting us know that the Cummins Onan® P1700i Inverter is on sale. We'll try to pick one up for a future installment of our Marital Aid Test Kitchen as soon as we can. (Wait, it's not an industrial strength sex toy? We figured with that name and its general resemblance to one of these that it ... OK, never mind then.) (costco.ca - thanks Cory)

Finally, a summer superhero blockbuster...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:55:49 EDT

Finally, a summer superhero blockbuster that we actually want to see! Just don't tell us how it ends, k? (marklisanti.tumblr.com - thanks Blakeley)

The Nipple Gauge: Getting Our Faces Slapped Has Never Been Easier!

Violet Blue — Mon, 12 May 2008 11:10:44 EDT

While the sales copy promises us that "Getting her top off has never been easier!" we think that stopping a pretty girl on the street and asking to see whether her nipples are "Needle Nips" or "Cigarette Butts" is probably only a good idea if you (a) like to get kicked in the nuts a lot, or (b) enjoy that special feeling of being arrested for harassment. Still it's hard not to giggle at The Nipple Gauge, a titty-tip sizer that can be yours for a mere $6.95 and has not ever been Seen On TV&trade. The site's got some amusing amateur GGW-style pics and videos of boob-measuring at—you guessed it—Mardi Gras, once again proving that drunken coeds and boob flashing are like fine wine and good company: two great tastes that go great together, and ones that are always rewarding on their own merits.

· The Nipple Gauge (nipplegauge.com)

Stumped for what to get your mom for Mother's...

Jonnobot — Mon, 05 May 2008 11:50:21 EDT

Stumped for what to get your mom for Mother's Day this coming weekend? Yahoo came up with an idea which we hadn't considered before ... and don't particularly want to, either. Guess we'll just stick with that FTD floral bouquet after all, thank you. (Click for photo - thanks Doug)

Amen

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 09:56:20 EDT

We knew that the Bible was filled with all kinds of naughtiness—rape, murder, incest, laying down with strange beasts—but we inadvertently just discovered what might be the filthiest verse of all. Ezekiel 23:8 (King James Version): "Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." Translation: "When she was young, she had sex with a lot of dudes who grabbed her boobies and came on her chest." Of course, they say that like it's a bad thing. (bible.cc + cottonandsand.com; thumb via the observant Cum On Jugs)

Are these Mexican pastries (found in Phoenix,...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 10:14:29 EDT

Are these Mexican pastries (found in Phoenix, of course) really supposed to look like what we think they look like ... or have we been working here so long that our brain just sees something dirty in everything we look at? If that's the case, why are we so hungry right now? (guanabee.com)

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 10:00:17 EST

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer has been fired for using his official position to seek out women and have sex with them while on the job. Guess he was a true "Mountie." Huh, huh ... (canada.com, image via trekearth.com)

We realize it's probably just some sort...

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:54:09 EST

We realize it's probably just some sort of thinly disguised marketing hype designed to lure potential investors, but we were still interested in this "report" which claims that worldwide revenues from mobile adult video chat are "set to climax at $1.5bn within the next five years" due to increased 3G penetration ... mostly because we can never resist anything we read that uses the words "climax" and "penetration" in the same place. (vnunet.com)

Robot Chicken's Most Perverted Moments

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 12:45:37 EST

We porn bloggers are a very sophisticated bunch. We don't just look at porn and sex, we discuss it within the larger context of other societal, economic and historical phenomena to provide a mature, nuanced reading of the source material. Of course, sometimes we just like to laugh at dick jokes. That's why we so enjoy "Robot Chicken" on the Cartoon Network, because there's no sexual situation, erotic theme, or cultural taboo that can't be made funny with stop-motion animation and toy dolls. Check out this collection of best sexual moments from the show's archive and see what we mean.

· 10 Best Robot Chicken Sex Moments (adultswim.com)

Behold the oldest known map of Britain....

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 10:45:43 EST

Behold the oldest known map of Britain. Wow, some country thinks pretty highly of itself. (metro.co.uk)

Star Trek O-Faces: Where Lots Of Men (And Women) Have Come Before

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 12:20:40 EST

Say what you want about the Star Trek franchise and the people who endlessly obsess over its every detail—the original show and its myriad spinoffs are some of the filthiest television to ever find its way into your family room. Don't believe us? Check out the evidence compiled in the most convincing manner imaginable—a YouTube video! The people and aliens and even androids in that world are constantly getting busy before your very eyes ... and if that's not a utopian vision of the future, we don't know what is.

. . .

· Star Trek Orgasms (YouTube, via flabber.nl)

Previously: "Klingon Sex Manual", Orion Slave Girls, Sexy Trekkies, Naked Klingon Women

We're still scratching our head over this...

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 10:05:15 EST

We're still scratching our head over this puzzler from last Friday's Washington Post. There's definitely more "subtext" there than they planned on. (jcnemecek.com)

Naked G.I. Joe Babes: Knowing Is Half The Battle

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 12:48:40 EST

Since "Transformers" was such a cinematic tour de force certain to win upwards of 15 or 16 Academy Awards for awesomeness, it's only natural that Hollywood would take more of our precious childhood memories and exploit them: we just learned that G.I. Joe, he of the tribe of little plastic guys we used to bury in the sandbox and catapult across the driveway with firecrackers, is being turned into a live action movie. If that didn't make us ~~sad~~ psyched enough, imagine our glee at finding out that the evil temptress, The Baroness, is being played by the nippletastic Sienna Miller.

It may seem like an odd casting choice, but given Sienna's recent track record and the fact that Baroness was responsible for some of our first pre-adolescent "funny feelings," there's a pretty solid chance that this PG adventure could become a R-rated skinflick. Inspired by this news, we decided to seek out what we assumed would be a wealth of G.I. Joe babe fan art and hardcore fantasy fiction, except ... there isn't any. We know the mythology is a little dude heavy, but you're going to tell us that no one on the web has ever thought to dramatize a Scarlett-on-Snake Eyes-on-Destro threeway? Yet, outside of those silly "remixes" and this study of Joe's anatomically incorrect behind, there ain't much there.

We'll still share what little we found, but come on, folks! We'd expect this lack of ambition from fans of M.A.S.K. but not the Real American Hero! We just hope that this outtake of Flint and Lady Jaye double-teaming Baroness in a pool of butterscotch pudding doesn't end up on the cutting room floor.

· Flint and Baroness (YouTube)
· The Women of G.I. Joe Naked! (shesocrazy.com)
· Baroness Doing Cobra Commander's Laundry (myconfinedspace.com)
· G.I.J.O.E.????? (alistairbooya.blogspot.com)
· GI Joe? No! GI T.S.O.! (3-116thsniper.blogspot.com)

Tropical exuberance with a delicate, yet...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 16:01:44 EST

Tropical exuberance with a delicate, yet penetrating blend? Sultry mangos? Argentina's best waiting to burst from its shell? Soft, luscious and sweet pulp, alongside a solid piece of dark chocolate? Is this a candy catalog or the back cover of "South American Jungle Sluts 4"? (Boy, we are really hungry right now.) (romanicoschocolate.com, see "Flavors Chart")

Huh, huh ... we hear his stuff plumps when...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 11:10:16 EST

Huh, huh ... we hear his stuff plumps when you cook it ... huh, huh ... (copyranter.blogspot.com)

Magnetic poetry not dirty enough for your...

Lux Nightmare — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 11:30:57 EST

Magnetic poetry not dirty enough for your tastes? Check out these Hot Word Marble Magnets and you can give your fridge some "hot wet K-Y nipple erections." (etsy.com)