Les Vampyres

As you know, the last two horror films set in northern California were John Carpenter's The Fog and Corey Haim's The Lost Boys. So I was half giddy with excitement about James Avalon's AVN-sweeping 2000 movie Les Vampyres.

Castrated men are washing ashore along the scenic Pacific Coast Highway. None of them is John Houseman's Mr. Machen. In the opening scene of Les Vampyres (the only porn movie ever to name-check Peter Ueberroth), we watch as a three-way goes horribly wrong for a poor fellow who finds his junk bitten off by two women he probably thought were his friends

After the credits roll, we meet earnest couple Jenny and Clint (Jewel Valmont and Joel Lawrence), celebrating his job promotion by spending the weekend at a cozy resort. They bump into the uber-creepy Veronika (Syren), Victoria, and Vivian, two-thirds of whom we just saw biting some poor dude's cock off (the poor dude was played by Brick Majors, Brian Surewood's brother). The trio invites the couple to dinner, and they accept.

But back in the room the couple change their minds and decide to order room service instead.

"She had a strange aura about her," Jenny confides. "She made me feel ... different."

Not to worry. Victoria and Vivian are out looking for man-flesh, and boy do they find some, luring a hapless voyeur into some cock-biting.

Veronica has her heart set on Jenny, but Clint, like me, thinks Veronica's loopy.

"But I'm drawn to her," says Jenny. "It's a ... longing."

Meanwhile, now les vampyres have offed a doofus cop who alone was on to their shenanigans. But Clint is also suspicious. Unfortunately, like the other dubious men in the movie, his reservations are not strong enough to resist their temptations, in Clint's case, a sexy vampyre in the shower.

When Veronika finally gets Jenny alone, she informs the quivering blonde of her secret past. And when Jenny is hip to her own supernatural resume, it's curtains for Clint.

Avalon was and is a talented director who makes his stars look their best. While Syren doubtless did the best she could, it is painful to hear her deliver lines. As if anticipating this, a lot of the incidental male parts are just as hokey. Les Vampyres is a very juicy and cable-ready horror porn that holds up well lo these eight years.

Studio: Metro
Director: James Avalon
Cast: Syren, Jewel Valmont, Joel Lawrence, Wendi Knight, Brick Majors, Violet Luv, Jack Hammer, Samantha, Brandon Iron, Nick Orleans

Review by: Gram Ponante

· Metro (metrointeractive.com)
· Buy "Les Vampyres" (gamelink.com)

Join us after the gap. (And don't forget your frenulum.)

Adam & Eve chose well with Waxman, who is not afraid to be goofy and who, unlike Hartley, does not participate in the action. Waxman also does not hover awkwardly by while porn stars like Syren, Mia Smiles, and Veronica Rayne provide the lab to Waxman's lecture; not that that would, in this case, be unpleasant, but there is a reason porn stars were brought in, and keeping things separate makes for a better movie.

Real-life couples were used as much as possible, and the effect of this first instructional video in Adam & Eve's "Personal Touch" series is a friendlier one as a result. Waxman keeps things light and kudos to folks like Syren who amiably listen to Waxman as the latter gives pointers about pleasing one's partner. The video does feel a little bit like an infomercial now and then, and we are surprised that Mia Smiles doesn't exclaim "And what else can a flogger do?"

Waxman's 101 course includes primers on safewords, washing one's Cyberskin dildo (cornstarch! who knew?), why flared bases are essential to anal toys, and why strap-ons are great for everybody. But remember: "Butt plugs are not the only option for your ass."

Informative without being too talky, and taking every opportunity to show rather than tell, "Toying with Pleasure" is so much more forward thinking than when my parents sent me to that glory hole.

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Buy "Toying with Pleasure" (gamelink.com)

Previously: Education Archive